Over recent years I have found myself wondering where this all began. What was my trigger to this whole battle with mental health, and when I could first recall the first instances or behaviours.
I usually have these internal conversations late at night when I am trying to sleep, like now. 11pm on a Wednesday night. So I decided that the best way to deal with it is to document it. Then then next time I have these conversations, I can look back and remind myself and stop the cycle in its tracks. That's the plan anyway.
So last night I was laying here at about 12.30am, trying to shut my mind up, and events of many years ago kept coming back into my head.
I am going to try and write this little mini series in a more constructive way, but for now wanted to get this one out of my head.
My Twisty! Since late in junior school, and definitely through secondary I used to carry cotton hankies. Good old fashioned cotten, washable hankies. None of that tissue nonsense. Gross I know! Anyway, hygiene aside, I always had one with me, much like my trust in inhaler, it was one of the items on the pocket checklist before heading out.
Now these hankies, originally intended for their main purpose soon became something much more. My twisty. Wherever I was, whatever I was doing, I would always have one hand in my pocket, twisting the corners of the hankie. Tighter and tighter, the more nervous or uncomfortable I felt, the more I would fiddle with them. This habit went way on into my twenties.
Now I know it's just a fidget thing, loads of people use things like that to pass time, create a distraction, or cope with anxiety. Heck we had a craze for fidget spinners, but for me this is just one little piece of the puzzle which helps me see my road map to where I am today. And also helps me to see this isn't sudden, or sporadic, but more a long term pattern for the way I have always been.
I'm just going to wrap it all up there, but will add more parts to this series in the coming days as more things come to mind.
Next up, late bed wetting, and how it shaped my early years...
Watch this space.