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Tag: social anxiety

Published on Leave a comment on Vivid dreams and struggling to focus.

The past couple of weeks my sleep has been off the chart, and so have my dreams. Some pretty damn vivid ones, and some rather personal and touching ones. Almost like a blockage has been cleared and my brain is finally starting to process some of the things that weigh heaviest on me. That is what I like to think anyway. If that is actually the case is a whole other matter.

I think it would be fair to say that a lot has happened in my life which has gone completely unresolved, or even processed and accepted. I have always been great at shutting things out of my mind, and pretending they don't matter, or never happened. Not denial as such, I often refer to some of these events and recognise their role in my life, but then I tuck them neatly away again for years more. 

I think it would be good to address some of those issues one day. From childhood friends dying young, to loss of family members. Losing contact with my daughter, and living knowing she is out there and I am missing so much. There is a lot to discuss one day...

But at the same time I don't put my behaviours down to those events. Some of this stuff is just hardwired and not in any way a creation of sadness and trauma in my younger life. 

Earlier this year I spoke with the GP about my ongoing mental health, how it affects my day to day life, and questioned if there might be other factors that would explain things better than simply putting it down to anxiety and depression all the time. Most recently my diagnosis was social anxiety, because it fitted with how I felt about being around others, and being in busy spaces. But to me there was a little more to it than that. The medication I took changed some things for me, but not others. CBT became infuriating as I was being told exercises with the mind would resolve the remaining matters. It did not. 

The route of investigation led me to explore ASD, and a referral was made by the GP in March. A recent conversation with a friend (now Oct) got me wondering why I had not heard anything back. Having put my sister down as a reference, I checked with her to see if she had heard anything. The answer was a resounding no.

This was all last night, and on top of an inactive morning, no notable exercise on the Sunday either, I was already on edge. The events over the next 30 mins or so just snowballed into a "complete clusterfuck" (medical term!). Needless to say I struggled for hours last night, and can feel the after effects today. 
Ironically a great example of how some of my behaviours and mannerisms are simply not explained away with "anxiety" all the time. 

Today, even though I am a little worn out from what felt like a night of terror, with weird dreams which felt very real, broken sleep, and frustration levels off the chart, I decided I would find out what was going on with the referral. I started to write an email, then decided I would call the surgery instead so there were no misunderstandings. With the noted from Patient Access in front of me, so I had the dates and comments, I placed a call to the surgery.

I spoke with reception and explained my situation, and was then put on hold. After a while she came back to me an explained she had spoken to her senior and it appeared that although I had been sent a form to fill out with my details, the issues I had, and who I wanted to use as a reference. And even though I had completed it immediately and sent it back.... It had never been actioned, so no referral was ever started. 
Nice! Frustratingly the doctor I spoke to at the time is no longer at the surgery, so they are unable to simply carry on with the process. 

So, back to square one I went. Speaking to the receptionist, I asked if I would need to do the 8am call to try and get an appointment to speak to another GP start the process over again. Thankfully I was told that I would be added to the list for the afternoon, and would be sent a text questionnaire to complete. Which I promptly received, completed and returned. Now I wait... Again.

This time I have a whole list written down, things to mention, questions to ask. I just have to hope that I actually get a call this time. If not I shall give it til after the morning appointments, and give them a call back and chase it. From here on in, I need to take control of it, and not be passive about it. 

This whole thing is not about medication, recognition, any kind of assistance or benefit, unless of course there is something available that can actually help me control things a bit better. But it is about understanding myself. I think I have been through this a number of times now, but the most important thing to me is understanding, and learning coping strategies. 

While writing this I have had a call back from the surgery, and been given a telephone appointment for next Wednesday. No idea who with, it's all a big mystery. But at least I have the appointment set, and have a list to work from. 

At some point I really do need to sit down, maybe with a counsellor and talk through some of the stuff that weighs heavy on me. Get it off my chest, and into the relevant brain department for processing and storing correctly. Not hiding away on a shelf, and try to forget about it and "move on".

I should also try and not only understand and create ways to cope, but communicate them to others, so the support I receive is appropriate, rather than overwhelming and emotional.

Right, today has been enough of a struggle as it is, so I am gonna wrap up there. Hopefully I will have a better night sleep and have a clearer head for making more sense soon.

Published on Leave a comment on Time for an update. I GOT MARRIED !

So, since we last spoke I have been to Florida, got married. In the past month I have had surgery, come off my Sertraline meds, had a long haul holiday, gained a wife, seen a rocket launch, run some bucket list runs, and so much more. What I am trying to say is, the last month has been frickin mental for me!

That said, it's all good. I managed to get some nice runs in while I was away, Cocoa Beach, Key West, and some runs in Davenport too. Sadly I didn't manage to get any cycling in as I was really starting to feel fatigued, especially with the record breaking temperatures they were having in Florida while we were out there. 

So, what has happened in the past 20 days. 
Well, we flew to Florida on 29th July, bloody long day with some minor hiccups at Orlando airport with the car reservation. Already exhausted, and having planned to skip the human element at car rental, that was the final straw for me, and I had a little internal wobble. I just wanted to get to the house and hide for a bit. No time for conversation, drama or anything else. Let alone walking round Walmart for groceries. The shopping part was easy enough, it was more the "first time" experiences of the place for the others that was mentally exhausting. CAN WE JUST GET SHOPPING AND GO !!

The next morning, after a poor sleep, I got into the routine I had planned for myself and went out for a run before sunrise. The plan was to do something early each morning, not only starting the day with some time to myself, but also being up at 5am was going to avoid jetlag at the end of the trip. Spoiler alert, it worked a treat, I have been fine since Day 1 back in the UK.
Hard work, as it was already high 20's low 30's by the time I got out. Finishing the run and coming back to the community I was greeted with the fact that the vehicle gate code and pedestrian gate code were NOT the same, and I was locked out. This would become a bone of contention over time. 

Soaking wet, 6am, and of course everyone was still asleep. After 20 mins or so I managed to contact the house and get let in the gate. Phew!

Over the course of the trip to Florida I clocked up over 2,000 miles of driving, which took its toll on each day, especially the drive to and from Key West, being 400ish miles each way. But the reward for all this was some amazing adventures, some of which I shall talk about in another blog on my other page. 

So, apart from a wobbly start, and long days behind the wheel, how was it?
Well, I got married.... Did I mention that? lol
Something I have been looking forward to for a long time now, and I finally, proudly wear a wedding ring. So that was SO worth it. 
Another revelation was finding Melatonin sitting on a shelf in Walmart. Having heard so much about it, I was curious about it, and could not pass off the opportunity to see if it helped with my sleep. 2 weeks later, I can say so far so good, and my sleep has been good. Especially the getting settled part, which is what I have always struggled with. 10mg dose, and a large bottle of it, I will see how I go long term before asking the doc to prescribe it. 

Speaking of doctors, first up, arm has healed really well, can't see the surgery site at all, and no ill effects. Sadly I am still waiting on the biopsy results, but I am sure they will come in time.
As far as Sertraline goes, I can honestly say I have had no issue being off it. I am aware that I am prone to little wobbles when things get full on, however for the most part things have been just fine. 

In fact, even while in Florida, in busy surroundings I managed just fine, using coping behaviours I have developed over the past year. Focusing on only the things closest to me, rather than the depth of crowds, and sheer masses of people. I am quite proud of myself for learning another way of coping with things like that. 

As a whole then, things have been great. Frustrations have been treated as just that, run of the mill hiccups and pains in the arse, rather than personal attacks, and failures. 

Do you know what, I am gonna wrap this up here. I have a lot more to talk about, but very little is mental health related, so I will pop it over on my Michael Snasdell blog instead. It is all worth talking about, but in the right context.

Thanks for reading and supporting, hope everyone is well, and here's to many happy years as an old married man 🙂 

Published on Leave a comment on Aaah, that’s better.

After two weeks of respite following the surgery on my arm to remove the lump, it feels great to be back at it. And by "it" I mean cycling and running. Having avoided it on instruction for two weeks, to avoid stressing it or getting it full of sweat, over the last two days I have both cycled and run, and IT FEELS GREAT!

 

 

As you can see from the joy in my face in the pictures, I am really in my happy place when being out and about, not to mention active and getting the heart pumping. The effect it has on my brain is enormously positive. I can already feel a change happening in me with just two days of being back in a routine. That is one of the reasons I think keeping that up while I am away is going to be important too. With all the stresses of the trip, it should hopefully keep me a bit more grounded. 

I have gone on about this a thousand before I know, but I really do support the notion that physical exercise, of any kind (so long as it raises the heart rate a bit) can be amazingly helpful for not only your physical health, but your mental health too. Long hikes, short runs, bike rides of any kind, just to name a few. Escaping your surroundings for a bit, giving yourself a bit of breathing space, and most of all headspace.

The main point of these blogs is a two pronged thing. Firstly to share my experiences with others, show there is a way, and a little hope when things are getting too much for you. Life is full of ups and downs. The ups are the easy bit, but recovering from the downs is the hard part. Hard but not impossible, so long as you don't give up hope and self belief. 
The second part is giving me the tools I need when self belief is at a low point, and recovering from a down seems like the hardest struggle of my life. Having notes, a diary or some way of remembering how you did it last time is so so helpful when getting things back on track, as I have found time and time again. But the playbook changes, and so should the notes, hence each time I have a down, I make a record, and see how things have changed, and what works for me now. 

This is NOT a "how to" for anyone else, merely a rough map to show there are various paths to take, and you can find yours too. 

I think the tough part for me this time around, especially while weaning off meds, was recognising what was heightened anxiety, caused by my brain being a bit of a dick, and what was just every day "oh that's shit" feelings, that everyone experiences every day. Differentiating is really important, but hard when you are in the thick of it. Taking an every day piece of bad luck and catastrophizing it to the point where it is targeted, personal, and the world is against you is so easy to do, I speak from experience.

The trick is to catch it at the start. Stop, take a moment, a few breaths, slow down. Separate it from your low mood, they are not associated. Understanding these elements can change everything. 
The example I use all the time is a common scenario. 
You are standing at the sink washing something up, you drop it. As you try to catch it you bend hitting your head on the work top. You pick the item up, go to put it under the tap to rinse it, and get splashed.

SLOW DOWN... Sometimes it's easier to accept things. OK, you dropped something, if your reflexes don't catch it straight away, let it fall, don't have a knee jerk reaction. Look down, take a breath, pick it up, take a breath. Back under the tap it goes. Nice and easy, one step at a time. Each step was individual, not one event.

It is the same with everything else in life too, they are not all connected, it is not all part of a masterplan to ruin your life. The more you panic and rush, the more of a catastrophe it becomes, and the lines become blurred.
I know, it is SO easy to say all this from a stable situation, and it never feels like it at the time. But it comes back to the tools and a little self belief. These are not only skills for getting you out of a hole, but also work for keeping you out of the next one too. The less stress you feel day to day, the stronger the mind is, and the more resilient. Going back to the point of this blog, taking a bit of time each day, or as many as you can manage, to decompress, process things that have happened, and appreciate that here you are, still doing OK, in spite of it all. Build that self belief one day at a time. 

For me, it feels great to feel positive and free again. Nice to know my escapes still work, and most of all that I am mostly in control of your life.
Side note, I have gained a few lbs while I have been unable to train, and really don't care. I am heading into two weeks of "relaxing" if that is the right word. Getting married, soaking up some sun, and of course running and cycling in some new places. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope everyone is well. Always here for a chat.

PS... My CamelChops custom bar bag is on its way too, how flippin excited am I to get that on the Canyon and off for a ride !!

Published on Leave a comment on Three years later, a look back and forward.

Three years ago this month I wrote a blog entry on my other blog, titled My case to remain working from home. At the time we were about 4 months into a global pandemic, restrictions were starting to lift for the first time, and things were starting to change, fast! Having started working from home at the very beginning if the Covid pandemic, I had now settled into my new routine, and apart from some physical wobbles with training and not being allowed to go out and cycle as much as I usually would, all was fantastic.

Now for the first time, the idea of returning to an office was becoming a reality, and it did NOT sit well with me, mentally. In the first couple of months of the situation it had been all new territory, all so unknown. How long does a pandemic last, when will normality return etc. The impression most had was, the weather would warm up, summer would come, and we would all go back to normal. Well, we know how that played out now don't we. But in the moment, going back to the office was always on the cards.

Thankfully during 2020 there was no rush from my employer to get us back to the office. Realising it was still a dynamic situation, everyone was told to sit tight, for which I am eternally grateful. As time went on, I noticed more and more how much healthier I was both mentally and physically with working from home. My own little office, everything the way I wanted it, no noise, interruptions or irritations. For me, feeling mentally stable, with no anxiety on a day to day basis was my idea of paradise, and it was not something I was about to give up without a fight.

The end of the year came, Covid spiked, and into 2021 we went, still with uncertainty about getting normality back, never mind going back to an office environment. As we entered Spring of '21 the talk of returning to the office started back up again. Talk of a hybrid working scheme, split between office and home for certain work groups. Conversations were being had at a higher level, with occasional vague communication to the team, but still nothing solid. Having been working with an internal mental health group, I put out a little survey to see how people felt about returning to an office. People from all different roles, and locations. Getting everything back, I wrote another blog, almost directed at the company and the decision makers, setting out my case for the WFH road ahead. Work From Home - The road ahead.

Now it had been a year since the start of the pandemic, and I had been working at home throughout. Myself and the rest of my team could certainly see the benefits. However both within and outside my group, concern was starting to be raised about the impact on peoples mental health. The lack of personal face to face interactions. Not so much causing problems for the role and the company, but for the people themselves. The company recognised this, as did many others, and provisions were made for those struggling to be able to safely return to the office. The bit I wasn't hearing was what provisions were being made for those performing and feeling better OUT of the office. That's because there didn't seem to be much consideration for this side of things. Only the other way.

It was around this time, in the summer of '21 that I started to make noises about it, and make the case that while some suffered, others thrived. Of course I wanted those struggling to be looked after, but I would like a voice too. Talking to HR, I set out my concerns for returning to an office as and when the time were to come. Little did I know even the thought of that was a long way off.  As consultations continued, there was talk of a new way, three groups of roles. Office based, hybrid, and remote. But again, there was no indication of who fell into what category. As summer came to an end, and the weather turned, lessons from 2020 were used, and the decision was made to sit tight for another winter, in case of a spike in cases. Yup, Covid was still rampant back then, you forget so quickly!

OK, so Spring 2022, it has now been a whole two years since Covid started. Two years working at home, and slowly but surely setting up a nicer and nicer office environment for myself. Spending my own money, and hoping dearly that we at least fell under hybrid, and would just be left to our own devices with regards to office days. 
Then finally, the day came, the official announcement was made, and we were..... Office based! WTF! How was this even possible, two years working from home, everything working perfectly, in fact better than ever, and somehow it was back to the office for us. Naturally this was not received well, and an immediate protest was made. A protest / appeal which a year later is still rattling on in 2023. 

In the past year, since that announcement I have been making my own case for remaining at home. My home office is better equipped than my work office was, my mental health is better than ever, as is my physical health, so why change that?

So, let me jump to the point of this blog, as in reality the summary above is just a recap of all the other blogs I wrote over this time period. Is working from home better or worse for MY mental health?
If you believe the mainstream and the masses, it is not possible to be better off mentally by being isolated away from people. Humans thrive with interactions, and face to face is far healthier. However things like this always fail to take into account the input from those with anxiety, who prefer to be introverts, and to put it plainly, just don't like people. I fall into all the above categories, and was reminded of this with a couple of quick visits to the office for I.T reasons last year. Nope, nope and nope, given the choice, I choose NOT to be in an office. 

Over the past year I have been making my case to medical professionals, work HR dept, and my line manager, trying to explain why it would be detrimental to my mental health to return to working in an office. During that process I have had my first issue with anxiety in years, been back on medication, and am slowly coming back off them. Thankfully a couple of months back now, the decision was finally reached that due to mental health concerns, and the impact an office environment would have on my anxiety, I would officially remain working from home indefinitely.

Two points I would like to make. Firstly, the wording of the new agreement for working from home is far from ideal. Talking about it can be reversed at any time etc. But I understand this is a general remote working agreement, and does not specifically address the reasons for my change. So I am happy with that.

Secondly, some I am sure (I could name a few) will ask, why did you take an office job if you don't like working in an office. And to that I say, Oooh Fuuu.... No no, seriously.
When I took the role I took it because I liked the challenge, and have loved the role ever since. During the 20 years I have done the role, a lot has changed, and I have been through a lot. Ups and downs in mental health, break-ups, losing loved ones etc, so it has been hard to quantify the impact the actual environment has on my well being.  With Covid I was suddenly removed from the toxic environment of an office, and finally able to set myself up the way it suited me, and no one else. 

From Day 1 it started to become apparent that just working alone made such a huge difference to me. Improved moods, better sleep, sharper in my role, not to mention my time keeping was perfect. Strangely the same can't be said for everyone, even when only commuting to the next room, but hey! There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that working from home is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  The extra free time with no commute is a bonus, but the biggest take from it all is my mental health. Apart from the wobble late last year, caused by the indecision of the company and HR being unable to decide if I could stay working from home or not, my mental health has been impeccable, as has my physical health in general too. They go hand in hand, happy mind, healthy body.

So there we have it, I am happy as a pig in shit, working from home, having spent thousands of pounds of my own money making my home office the perfect working environment for me and my little mind. As for the rest of the team. Well, they await their fate, still hanging on to remaining at home, but with the shadow of uncertainly hanging over them every day. A shadow which weighed as much as a mountain when it hung over me. As far as I know, no one else has made their case to remain at home regardless of decision, so I am truly thankfully that I am out of the shadows now. Some believe that now that the company is actively returning to the office in the USA, the UK and Europe will soon follow suit. Whatever happens, I know what my situation is now.

Yours smugly
Michael 

Anyway, thank you for reading. Interesting fact, I only wrote four entries in this blog in 2020 and four on my other blog too. Crazy, only eight blog entries in the year the world went into lockdown ! What was I thinking.

Published on Leave a comment on Raw, real and relatable.

So I have just finished watching the Second Chance Podcast interview with Tom Gaymor on YouTube (link below) and can honestly say I am experiencing such a mixture of thoughts and emotions, it's quite strange. It is always amazing to hear other peoples stories in depth, especially when you already have preconceived ideas about them. In Tom's case, I am a long time follower on Twitter, and find a lot of what he says and stands for very relatable. However, on listening to the podcast, my eyes are now open wide with enlightenment and amazement. Life is not a competition, not for a second, however some of the battles Tom has faced put my own into perspective. I am sure Tom would say the same about many other people himself. No two lives are the same, so it is wrong to try and compare, but sometimes you can't help yourself. 

Link to the Podcast here. 
Second Chance, Tom Gaymor

The first part is about Tom's early days in motorsport, an environment which I imagine is character building, and by his own admission sets a high bar for the other parts of life.  Following an accident, Tom begins to struggle with his mental health. Finding things he once considered normal, to know be terrifying challenges. Even the most mundane of situations now creating chaos in his life. I won't go into too much detail, as I would definitely recommend giving it a watch or a listen, but let's just say it is at this point things became very relatable for me. 

Control. This is a word that comes up a lot in the interview, and during my recent CBT I realised played a big role in my day to day life too. To be clear, control in the sense of routine, known outcomes, and forward planning, rather than being a controlling personality who wants everything done their way. 
I think "control" is a good summary of my requirements of situations. I don't like surprises, I like normal.

As I watched I was writing paragraph after paragraph in my head in response to it all, yet as I sit here writing this my head is empty. Usually for me, my thought process is very repetitive, unable to shake a thought or an idea until I do something with it. Either speak to someone or write it down. But for some strange reason, the conversations I was having internally as I watched, seem to have washed away. Almost as if I was speaking with Tom as part of the interview. I don't know, it's a hard one to explain.

I think the most profound part for me was to hear how immediately debilitating the anxiety was. From the instant it took a hold, normal life becomes a thing of the past, and everything you once took for granted disappears in a flash. Everything feels new, scary, and such a big challenge to overcome. Everyone is different, and we will all struggle with different things. I have no idea what part of the brain decides what will suddenly become problematic, but the common theme seems to be social environment. I have never been particularly social or engaging, in Tom's case he was, however we were both somehow left with a feeling of discomfort around people. Regardless of if you are social or more introvert, not being able to mingle with society for even the most simple of things is crippling. The natural instinct is to hide away from it, to avoid it, but in reality this just makes things worse. 

The feeling of not fitting in, isolation or just feeling frantic about what used to be normal should be the alarm bell to get some help and guidance with things, however humans are pretty good at adapting to changes in life. It is not always for the best, but we do it anyway. Once we adapt, we just carry on as normal. And for some this is where the problem can start, not dealing with the underlaying issues can have catastrophic consequences in the long term. For me it was probably a few years before I did anything about my issues. I had just grown familiar with avoidance, and my greatest trick, masking. Masking or acting as Tom put it, is a great defence, building a character front that can appear to be fine. Happy, chatty, engaging, and all the things the world wants you to be. However as soon as you remove yourself from the situation, the exhaustion sets in, and the anxious mind takes over. 

Unable to switch off from all the thoughts going through your mind. Playing situations over and over again. All in the past, but IF ONLY you had said something else. No matter how many times you remind yourself that the past is the past and you cannot change anything, it makes no difference. 
Or on the flip side, preparing for something that has been planned in advance. Catastrophizing it long before it has happened. Thinking through scenarios, how things might (or might not) play out. Before you even get there you have lived the whole event a hundred times, and are ready to go home. 

I was writing notes as the interview went on, highlighting some of the above points that had been discussed, to remind me to include them, when out of the blue Tom mentions writing notes in the same sort of way. OK now it really is getting freakishly relatable. Looking at said notes, it brings me onto the next one I have written down, and the final part I wanted to address. Telling someone. 

The first time you connect with someone in the right way, and are able to tell them what you are going through. Your struggles, and how it makes you feel about yourself and sometimes about others. It is such a moment of empowerment, and in some cases it can happen more than once. Depending who you surround yourself with, there will be certain elements which are more relatable, and therefore easier to be open about with different people. I am lucky to have a tight circle of friends, a great support network, and I am proud to say it works both ways. I think that has probably been one of the most important parts of it. 

Talking about things should be a dialogue, not a monologue. If you just talk, there is no structure, it becomes a wild ramble (a bit like my blogs at times), and can just be a little empty. Being able to relate to the person you are talking to, even if from a totally different walk of life is key. That is my finding anyway. Having spoken to a number of professionals from counsellors to CBT therapists, if you don't connect, it feels pointless, and becomes a bit of a chore. I have had times where I have had more benefit from a coffee with a friend, than a few sessions with a "professional". I don't mean any offence when I say it like that, but it is true. I am sure other people connect better with some of the pros I have spoken to than I did. But if its the wrong person, it is counterproductive and can actually make matters worse.

For quite a few years I worked with the Royal College of General Practitioners in London, as an expert patient. The idea was to work with medical students, and do role play scenarios. They would do a consultation, and I as the patient would present myself in a way similar to how I would to my GP. They would then diagnose and offer treatment or advice. The one thing I always tried to drive home in the debriefs after each consultation was engagement. Taking the time to connect and engage with the patient. Try and form trust, and help the person feel they were being listened to, understood, and most of all were not alone. For some people the GP or therapist may be the only person they will ever try to speak to about their feelings, and the outcome can be tragic in some cases. 

It is all very well saying "talk to someone", but when the reply is "chin up" or "you'll get over it", it is pointless. The same way it can be pointless telling people they should ask how you are twice, once "how are you" and then the "and now how are you really". You will only get asked for help if you are the right person, one they feel comfortable talking to.

It's a fickle thing the mind, and it works in the most mysterious of ways, but one thing anyone who has ever had any sort of battle with anxiety would agree on is you have to want help, before you can start to get back on track. 

I will always share my thoughts and experiences, just in the hope that there may be that one person out there who it resonates with, and they can feel less isolated, know they are not the only one who struggles from time to time, and that there is hope. Your new normal may not be the same as what you are used to, but as long as it makes you comfortable within yourself, and content with every day, you are winning. 

Right, I am rambling now, so that's me done with this rushed entry.
Thanks again Tom for being one of those people willing to peel back the layers, and share his experiences. It is really heart warming to see and hear.
Honorary mention to Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe and their Parenting Hell podcast, which over the past 12 months or so has really explored mental health and anxiety. I would love it if there was a spin off where mental health was discussed even more. Experiences of the well known, but relatable makes a world of difference. 

Published on Leave a comment on Dismissive of my own well-being.

I have just penned a draft of a letter to work, making a formal complaint about the way matters relating to my mental health are being handled, and as I read back through it I realised something.

While I was writing it I was trying to find the right words to express my feelings on the matter. Words that carried the right weight, and conveyed the right message. However on reading it back, I could feel the emotion of each word bubbling away inside of me. I was not crafting a strongly worded letter, I was saying how I was feeling.

On the realisation of that, I did a quick assessment of how I am feeling right now, and discovered that I am actually nowhere near as OK as I am trying to show I am. On the surface all is well, the mask is in place, the stuff upper lip holding firm. But below the surface, I can feel myself shrinking away. Becoming more and more affected by being ignored, feeling worthless, and losing all my motivation and energy.

Sure the weather isn't helping much, and not being able to get out and blow off some steam isn't ideal, but as a whole, I feel mentally drained. Something that even shows in my Garmin metrics. Sleep poor, body battery poor, resting HR elevated, stress higher than normal. And all because I can't get my HR to take my seriously and deal with my situation once and for all.

When you think mental health, you should also think urgency. When a situation becomes so dire that the person waiting on a decision needs to start taking medication, alarm bells should start to ring. Once all the facts and reports are in place, it becomes a mere formality to tick some boxes, and make a decision. Such a decision should take a matter of weeks of all parties are available to discuss.

Once that matter spills over into months it becomes out of control, and is either misunderstood, or beyond the remit of the person charged with the responsibility of the decision. That, or a matter of laziness and ignorance to mental health.

When this carries on to a point where it has been almost EIGHT MONTHS since all the details were in place, it becomes something far more serious. Either a calculated attempt to brush the matter aside and hope it goes away. Ignorance is bliss, they will go away if I ignore them long enough. ORa display of complete inability to deal with the matter. Either way it is a complete and utter failure internally by a department to deal with a mental health matter with the urgency and compassion required.

If you are the person on the receiving end of this treatment, depending on the fragility of your state of mind, this could be utterly devastating. For a very vulnerable person to feel ignored, belittled and worthless, this could literally be a matter of life of death. The decision you are waiting on could shape your whole future, will you have a job, can you pay your rent, can you afford to live..... Do you want to live?

Thankfully I am not of the mindset to end my life. However, sadly there have been cases in recent years where colleagues have done just this. Not I might add because of direct failings of HR, but none the less we have had the completely mentally vulnerable working with us, so who is to tell who that next person is, or what will be the straw that pushes them too far?

I am now left gathering myself up, and trying to find some get up and go before I spiral further down into depression and a feeling of self loathing. A feeling I am all to familiar with. This time of year usually sees me flourishing, instead I am curling up, and not even wanting to get out of bed. Hopefully I will hear something soon, but I am growing tired and impatient now, and quite frankly becoming disappointed with myself for being so understanding and patient.

Published on Leave a comment on Getting things straight while I wait.

Following on from yesterdays frustrations, I thought I would put my thoughts down here, as I have all along through this process. Yesterdays interaction was counter-productive, and I have to say had a horrible impact on my state of mind. Something I have long tried to avoid, but the situation yesterday felt so dire that it put me into a bit of a tailspin. Last nights sleep was poor, and today I feel a bit twitchy and edgy while I wait to hear back from any one of the parties involved. 

Going back through the timeline of all this, and making notes for my reference, I feel even more annoyed about it all now, than I did yesterday. 

In May 2021 I first started conversations with HR about the road ahead. Highlighting how different my life had become since lockdown, and how it felt almost impossible to return to that way of working, knowing my mental health would suffer for it. Initial responses were good, but at that point we were a long way from getting back to an office, let alone normal lives, so it is easy to say.

At this time I also started a series of blog entries expressing how I was feeling, and what my dream of the future was for work. Life was now so different, and I felt like a new man. 

By May 2022, as the world started to get back up to speed, and everyone started to find out what the new normal was for them, I waited. With the company still working on their new hybrid working scheme, no one knew which work groups would end up with different arrangements. Around this time we were informed there were three groups, office, hybrid and remote. Until now we had been remote throughout Covid, and with no short fallings in our work flow. Proving we were an effective team working remotely. Remembering of course that our role is a remote one regardless of if we are in an office or not, as our workforce is nationwide. 

With all the chatter and rumours, I reached out to my HR and expressed my concerns, explained how I felt, and tried to get some clarification on what direction we would go in. Sadly no one had the answers, but I was assured that consideration would be given when the time came. 

Early July 2022, we were told that the decision was imminent, and we would know very soon. Sure enough by the 19th of July we received word, and it was not good.  At this point I forwarded an email to HR which I had pre-written for this exact situation. Knowing my mind would be all over the place, writing would be impossible, so "here's one I made earlier". The next day I received a comprehensive reply, recognising my concerns, and telling me the following...

we will always support anyone with a disability and look at reasonable adjustments. I am not sure if you have been to our occupational health provider previously, but we will need to send you to our occupational health provider to understand if you have a disability and what that disability is and get some professional advice on what we need to know as employers. Once we receive a report back, we can then have a discussion on what is next, but without this we are unable to determine if you will continue to work from home or return to the office.

 

Sounds simple enough, right? A formality and one I completely accepted, and embraced. After all it would be good to get the opinion of an expert on this, so I wasn't to feel like an entitled brat. One was arranged for 16th Aug 2022. While I was waiting on this appointment to come around, growing ever anxious, and it really starting to affect my day to day life, I spoke with my GP. This was on July 27th 2022. At this point she recommended medication and a referral to IAPT. A couple of weeks later I had my Occupational Health appointment, and was told the report would follow shortly. Without going into detail, the report was very supportive and understanding of my situation, and very clear in its intention.

A few days later I received a paper copy of the report, and HR would have received their copy too, via email or post I am not sure. None the less, I received NOTHING back as far as HR was concerned. The report they had requested, and since received got no recognition from them at all. So on the 9th Sept 2022 I emailed my HR and asked for an update and confirmation that they had received the report. Along with an update from my GP, noting I was now on medication due to the anxiety caused by waiting and waiting. The reply was a short and sweet one, and basically told me that I now had a new HR rep, and that it was all being handed over to her. Getting this information I forwarded my last email to her, and introduced myself and my situation. 

I received a reply from the new rep the next morning, saying she would get back to me shortly, and just clarifying the source of my OH report. A few days passed and I had heard nothing, so I followed up with her again, and politely asked for...

Even just an idea of when I can expect a decision to be made about my situation, so I can try and get things under control would be appreciated. 
At this point it has been 3 weeks since the report was sent, and I have heard nothing.. 

I received a reply apologising for the delay, that she had been on leave and was catching up on emails, but had reached out to my line manager for more information. That was the last I heard. From Sept 12th 2022, I didn't hear another word from HR. I occasionally caught up with my manager to try and get updates, but really didn't get anything other than he was waiting on HR to update him. On the 14th of Sept, during a follow up assessment with my GP, my medication was increased and it was recommended that I not work for a while, and I was subsequently signed off sick on Sept 20th.

After seven weeks or so off sick, I returned to work, hopeful that having seen how bad things were getting, the matter would receive some attention and be sped up. I returned to work in early Nov 2022, and once again heard nothing. On the 3rd Jan 2023 I emailed my HR and line manager with a comprehensive timeline of events, long details of what had happened, what I was waiting on and who had said what, along with prodding a bit that the report had been received back in August of 2022. While I received a reply from my manager, the only thing I got from HR was an auto response.

I am out of the office on  29th December to 5th January 2022 with no  access to my emails.  I will respond to your email on my return    

You may note that it says Jan 5th 2022, that should actually read 2023. It is irrelevant though, as I received no reply whatsoever. In fact I heard nothing from HR on the matter until I chased it all up once again on, wait for it, 3rd March 2023. I sent a few emails that day, to various levels of people in the business, all with varying points and requests. Keeping it polite and professional, I asked my HR...

Further to the attached email dated 03/01/23 , I just wondered if you had had a chance to follow up on my PHC report.
It has been quite a while now, and I would really like to get this whole matter wrapped up for the sake of my sanity.
I would appreciate it if you can drop me an email and let me know the current situation.

I received a swift response for which I was grateful.

I have been away from the business and just returned today. I am catching up with emails. I will come back to you  as soon as possible

Within a couple of days I had established via my manager that there was a meeting taking place between himself and HR soon, so I once again emailed HR and asked if we could speak prior to this, so I could ensure all my concerns were being addressed. You may have already seen my blog from yesterday expressing my dismay at the outcome of my conversation, but in case you missed it, I shall summarise.

HR seemed blissfully unaware of who I was, what I did, what issues I faced. Not to mention unsure of the time I had been off sick, the content of the HR report, or what indeed I was even waiting for. Expressing they were not sure a WFH role was ever fully WFH. Having waited since last August, when my case was handed over, my OH report was received and I had ultimately been off sick, it felt like I was insignificant, and it was almost an attempt to  "leave him long enough and he will fuck off". That is truly how it felt, and indeed currently feels. 

Instead of feeling like I have been patient with a process of due course, which ultimately has my health and sanity at its heart, it feels like I am an entitled, pestering arsehole, who is joked about amidst the ranks, and frowned upon. Needless to say that is devastating to my mental state, and no matter how hard I try to deny it, has affected me deeply. 

I am told that meetings are taking place today to discuss the situation, my manager has also expressed frustrations at how long it is all taking. Senior HR are aware of my feelings on the matter, so right now I have done all I can to try and push things along. To my knowledge a senior Ops manager is also involved in todays meeting, although I am unsure if my situation is on his agenda, it is an opportunity to discuss it with someone in a position to make a decision. Senior HR are also involved to a level that the decision can be made from their side too. So in reality, with all those who can, now aware... What exactly am I waiting for now?  This is where my main frustration lays now. 

The longer I wait, the harder it gets to sleep, and function day to day, and I am simply not willing to put my mental and physical health on the line because certain parties simply cannot be bothered to move things along in a timely manner. Should things persist, and no progress be made, I will not hesitate to speak with my GP again. 

I have been told by a number of parties involved in todays meetings that I will hear an update today via email or call. While I don't expect a final decision, I would at least hope that an email will be received as promised. Although I am not going to hold my breath with the above timeline in mind. 

Thank you so much if you have made it to the end of this rant. I really appreciate it.
While I know it is probably frowned upon to openly publish things like this, and employers may not like it, I am using this blog to timestamp and record my feelings in relation to the constant delays in resolving this matter. 

 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on The year ahead – 2023

2022 was one heck of a year. A lot happened, I feel I achieved a lot, and grew as a person both physically and mentally. So I go into 2023 on a high, and with a positive state of mind. Wanting to improve on the last year, and feeling I know the direction I want things to go in. Now all I have to do is make them happen.

There have been a few challenges along the way, and one heck of a hiccup resulting in me ending up taking time off sick with anxiety for the first time in a few years, as well as ending up on medication again. That wasn't the plan, but at the end of the day, life doesn't always go to plan.

For me, a new year, is in reality nothing more than another day, another week. Truth be told we put way too much emphasis and pressure on the calendar resetting to Jan 1st, and the year rolling one digit forward. New Years Resolutions, promises to ourselves an others, unrealistic goals and so much more. Nope, it is just another day. But sure, I will play along, it is a great opportunity for a fresh start, to set some goals, and to improve ourselves. 

However, regardless of how pure the intentions are, we have to be realistic, and honest with ourselves and others. If your goal is to be fitter, do that, be more active than you were the year before, don't aim to become an adonis by Spring time. If your goal is to treat people you care about better, first up, take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you treat people the way you do in the first place. Maybe they are the wrong people to be around in the first place. But then after that, try pausing to consider the impact of your decisions on the ones you love. How would you feel?

For me, looking back over 2022, especially the thousands of images I captured, I could see what my "goals" were. I use quotes because I don't really subscribe to goals much anymore. A few years back with cycling I realised striving to achieve goals was robbing me of the happiness and genuine moments I was experiencing, trying to reach those goals. So ever since I have aimed at the grin factor, and the happiness things bring me, as well as the mental stability certain things give me. Aiming for something is great, it gives us a direction to head in, a focus. That is all I need in my life. 

This year I will turn 50, in about six weeks time in fact, and I can't wait! It's a milestone I once wondered if I would ever reach, then something I feared. However as the years have passed, and I have found my stride, I feel it is something to celebrate (no I am NOT having a party!), rather than cringe about. I am in a happy place in life, a great relationship, a place I understand mentally, and financially I can't complain. I am fit and healthy, which was never something I really saw when I was younger. Someone in their 50's was slowing down, spreading out, and their health was starting to fail. 50 years old for this generation can easily be as plentiful as 30's and 40's. 

In the summer I will also get married to Ann, in Key West in Florida. Something I am excited about and looking forward to. Seems fitting that the year I turn 50 and finally start to grow up a bit (mental age of a 15 year old maybe?) I also get married. I think I always imagined myself married at points in my life, but at other times gave little thought to. But it is nice to be going into marriage with a good feeling in my heart about it, and not some youthful, rushed thing domed to fail. 

The wedding itself being in Florida means that not many people will be attending, which is a little bit sad in one sense, as there are a handful of people I would love to share such a special day with. But at the same time plays to my happiness too, as the last thing I want on mine and Ann's big day, is to be overwhelmed with anxiety if everything is OK, how many people I will have to interact with, and feeling like there is a whole load of fake around me. This way, we have our moment, in a beautiful place, and after that, when we get back, can pick and choose our times and places to celebrate with smaller groups of people. That sits really well with me, and I hope with Ann too. Discussions would indicate that at least.

With regards to the rest of the year ahead, there are a few things I want to see happen, and will do all I can to help them along their way. There are some plans I have for myself, to keep myself healthy and challenged, and then there are things I am curious about, and may or may not look into further. 

I would love Work From Home to become a permanent thing, officially. Signed off by work, approved by the most senior of people, and removal of any doubt or worries about what the future holds for my job. The wheels are in motion, things are happening, but after 6 months since the original decision was made, for us to return to the office, nothing more has really happened. My OH assessment doesn't yet seem to have provoked a response from work, so this Jan I will be working towards, and pushing harder for resolution once and for all. 

Going hand in hand with the above, I would like to review and consider my options for medication for both long term uric acid levels for my gout, for which I take Allopurinol, and the meds I am currently on for my anxiety. While just a low dose, I would like to consider if I can be back off meds for aniexty and depression, at least until I feel I need them again, which hopefully won't be for a few years again. This is something I need to speak with the doctors about, and then carefully reduce the dose, while paying close attention to the effect it has. In reality, if the decision is to remain on both, so be it, but I would at least like to see if it is a need or just a precaution. 

Also with the doctors I have another decision to make, and one which also requires a bit of discussion both with them, and others around me. Having spent many years with myself and my thoughts. Writing blogs in the moment to read back through later, something kept coming up, especially with the regards to anxiety. I have never really found a cause for my dips in mood, the key to depression or trigger for my anxiety, however I have become more and more aware of what can provoke reactions from me. Working through CBT recently for social anxiety I started to see a pattern appearing.

The GP had referred me for social anxiety based on my preference of working at home, and my dislike for being in busy places. Which fitted fine in the short term. However as the CBT went on, and I challenged myself to push the boundaries a little, I realised it was more than that. It wasn't so much the large groups of people, it was the noise, and the overwhelming impact it had on my senses. Unable to think straight is what causes the anxiety, and from there it spirals fast. Avoiding busy places, or noisy and confusing places is simply me protecting myself from the inevitable reaction that will happen. 

Even the relaxation of just sitting in a relatively quiet space, focusing on one thing can be destroyed in seconds by another source of sound. Immediately everything suddenly feels loud and overwhelming. My thoughts blur, my focus disappears, and I begin to catastrophize. From this point there is no going back. If listening to music in public, if there is too much other sound, I have to turn my music off until the clash has passed. Imagine a music room at school, where kids have all just been given drums, triangles, recorders and violines and are trying them out, together, loudly, all at once... That is what happens in my head when senses clash. Visual, and audiable are the worst two for this for me. 

Anyway, back to the point. I started to wonder if there was actually a cause to my anxiety after all, which was affecting my life from behind the scenes, leaving me unable to function at times for no apparent reason. OK, I am just gonna say it, Autism!
Something I have never really considered, and to be honest not understood either until the last six months. Looking at some of the details, and understanding that the word "Autism" does not mean non-functioning, not able to be "normal", or anything else as drastic as that. But instead can be as simple as someone who struggles with sensory overload, the symptoms of which can manifest and play out in a multitude of ways. 
Looking into ASD screening has been an eye opener for me, and something I am curious about, but as of yet undecided on. I don't want some sort of life changing diagnosis, I don't expect to suddenly feel better. I just want to understand myself and my mind a bit more. I am comfortable avoiding social situations, I am fine with people thinking I am rude. But if I am honest, it would be nice to be able to explain it to myself an others simply, rather than over thinking and then being left to make "excuses" for my decision and behaviour. It's not me, it's YOU!

I will look into this more over Jan and decide from there, but I am VERY curious indeed. So probably will get it done in one way or another. 

Finally I come to my physial activities for the year. Having missed a lot of running last year due to injury, I am going to get back into it again. Ease up the load on the bike for a bit, and spread myself out a bit focusing on well-being and not well done's for achievements. 2022 was a huge year for achievements, a marathon, 3 halves, Ride London, the trip up Alpe D'Huez and more. So I have nothing to prove to anyone. I will always be inspired and motivated by the numbers in the sports I love, but fitness first this year. Mental and physical.  My physical activities maintain my mental health, so the two go hand in hand as a "goal".

That's about me for now, just wanted to get that all out there as the new year starts. 
Whatever your goals and ambitions are, I wish you all well, and thank you for sharing my journey with me. 

Thanks for reading, and happy new year. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on They think it’s all over… CBT

It is now!
After three months, and 12 sessions of CBT, my therapy part of my treatment is over. I have graduated. Completing the course, and learning some new skills along the way. So how was it, what happened, and where am I now. Let's have a look shall we. I will also give a little update on the work situation and the OH/HR saga.

First up, let's take a look at the CBT journey. 
My initial diagnosis and referral to SLAM was for "severe anxiety disorder", that was from the GP, and led to my reintroduction with the system. My conversation with the GP had been very work environment focused, and the issues I felt I faced if asked to return to an office. We touched on my general anxieties too, but from this consultation, and the initial consult with SLAM, it was decided that the main focus of the treatment should be "social anxiety". Indeed this seemed logical given all the immediate issues I faced were people related. 

The first session or two were very awkward for me. A new person, meeting over Teams, and trying to breakdown my automatic barriers with regards to opening up to someone about something so personal. As we got into things, I felt myself relax a little, and just be an open book as much as I could. Open to trying new things, and happy to follow the lead from the therapist. CBT is quite a structured system, so there isn't much room for free-styling the sessions, or too much digression from the path. 

We focused on diagrams, and formulations of how things worked in my mind, how I responded to certain situations, and how my thought processes worked before, during and after encounters with different groups of people. Also taking a look at my beliefs before something occurred, and what my perceptions of myself in that situation were. One example of this was being asked if I was happy to speak to another therapist one on one for five mins, about a random topic. As my previous entry said, this left me terrified.

However, on actually doing the exercise, and looking back at the video of it, things were not as bad as they seemed, in the moment at least. And that reminded me of the complexity of the issues. Put in the situation, with nowhere to run to, my game face went on, my personality went into overdrive, and I faced it head on. Watching myself back I was shining with energy, and came across a lot more confident than I thought I might have. During the debrief I expressed how surprised I was at how comfortable I seemed to be. But an hour or so later, I was reminded of the cost of this display of glitz and confidence, an absolute energy crash.  See it turns out that the shying away from these situations is not just about confidence, it is about self preservation too, and trying to conserve my energy. 

This is something I can look back on and recall clearly time and time again. People will say how chatty I was, or how I looked like I was having a great time, but behind closed doors, for the next day or two I am thoroughly mentally exhausted, and reach a point of not being able to function. Thoughts become clouded, patience is stretched, and ability to focus is gone. THIS is why I refrain from certain environments, to be able to function day to day like a normal human being. 

So looking back at that session and the experiment, it was important to me as it both reminded me, and set in stone my beliefs about my behaviour towards such situations. Possibly not the preferred outcome of the experiment, but to me was invaluable, and something I can say I understand and am happy with the way I have chosen to behave. There is a theme that runs through this whole course which will become apparent over time I am sure. 

As we moved on through the sessions I wavered in my commitment. The build up to the sessions was becoming a source of anxiety itself, and at one point felt like the worst part of my week. Blogging about it, I tried to get some clarity for myself, and see things from an external perspective. I knew in my heart that the sessions were good for me, and as pointed out by a couple of friends, maybe it was the "challenging the norm" that was what I was being defensive about, and they were right. But so was I.
As the weeks progressed, my focused changed a bit, and for a while felt almost incompatible with the direction the course was heading in.  I had shared one of my blog entries with the therapist at one point, so I could give her an insight into my feelings towards the work we were doing. The outcome of this wobbled me a little, when we discussed this the following week. She mentioned that my blog had mentioned her by name, and that she had not consented to this. Reminding me that just like the recordings of the sessions required my consent, mention of her name in my blog also required her consent, and she had NOT given that. 
The name drop had been purely accidental, and in my furious flow of keystrokes, I had written her name rather than "the therapist", however I now felt chastised by the person who was trying to help me overcome my social anxiety, and issues with people I don't know / trust well. Own goal! The rest of the session was awkward, and I spent most of it tuned out, thinking how badly she must now think of me. Counterproductive to say the least.

This was one of a couple of moments in the course that made me feel a bit on edge, and lose faith and focus for a bit, but I am happy to say I stuck with it, and went back for more each session. Except for one. One morning I just could not bring myself to log on to Teams, and sent an email apologising and explaining what I was feeling. Anxious about the sessions, off course with objectives, and a little disillusioned with the process.  As we had passed the half way point with the sessions, I had started to feel that I understood my thought process with regards to social situations. Having challenged myself on a number of occasions for experiments for the course, putting myself in situations I would usually avoid, it was becoming clear to me what I was happy to do, OK with pushing myself to do, and happier just to avoid.

The main take away from these experiments was finding my happy medium, the place I felt I could cope with the anxiety from, whilst maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Not shutting myself away from society, but not pushing myself to become some sort of social butterfly I have no interest in being. This is where the direction we were going in started to seem off. Having discovered these things, the part that affected me the most was the post situation stress and anxiety. The build up to future events is always a little stressful, the thought process goes into overdrive, and panic sets in. The further into the future the event is planned, the longer this panic lasts for. Sometimes weeks of dwelling on things that are yet to happen, and quite frankly insignificant. 

The biggest issue I actually face, and I realised this thanks to the CBT, is after the event. There are three stages of any event, before, during and after (duh!)
Before is variable, the duration can be minutes or weeks, but however long it is, the mind works overtime to create all sorts of terrifying scenarios for me to over think, lose sleep over, and get worked up over. 
During, well obviously that is how ever long the event is, or however long I stay there before fleeing. Game face on, mask on, smile, laugh, make jokes.... Run and die!
After however, now we are talking. Away from the threat, mask off, and back in a safe place, all should be over you would think, but in fact this is where the real damage starts. 

Post event self debrief... Replaying events, and conversations over and over in my head. Rewording exchanges with people, thinking up alternative responses, imagining how I came across, wondering what people thought of me. Had I looked weak, should I have said something different. Hours and hours of reliving an encounter which had lasted 10 mins. Using up more and more mental energy to the point of exhaustion. It is hard to explain the effect of this process on me, other than to say it is exhausting and debilitating. Not to mention the knock on effect for any future situations which bear similarities. 

I am sure there are people out there who will say "over thinking, we all do it". Just like the use of the word depressed or anxious. There are varying degrees of it, and to say "I understand" can sometimes be insulting rather than encouraging and supportive. 

Anyway, I digress a little. Lets get back to CBT in general. 
With the email sent about how I felt the direction was off, I went into the next session a little afraid of how the email had come across. See how this works, I learn to engage, tell a person that is helping me that I need to do something different, then dwell on it, and dread the outcome of the conversation and what they will think of me!
Anyway, I received a reply acknowledging my concerns and saying we would discuss these on the next session. The next week we met on Teams, and I have to say it was a breakthrough moment for me.  The session basically consisted of a one to one chat about the course so far, what I had learned, the direction I felt I needed to go from here on in, and a discussion about general anxiety disorder. It felt liberating to take control for a bit. My first time using that word in this entry, but a word that came up time and time again over the weeks, control. I will come back to that.
The session itself really restored my faith in the process, and renewed my commitment to finishing it til the end of the course. 

A few short weeks later, and this past Tuesday I had my last session, and was officially discharged. Both me and the therapist agree it has been a positive experience, and my achievements are noteworthy. Having had my last session the week before, in the days following I travelled into town on the tube for coffee with a friend in SE1, then walked back to the car afterwards, once on the tube that day was enough. See, learning and knowing my limits.
A few days later I dropped the car for a service, then got a couple of trains home, before heading for a morning hot chocolate with Ann at Costa. Then later in the day getting a train back to collect the car, this time alone. During the train journeys I was able to use my new found skills to distract myself from negative thoughts, prevent a spiral of anxiety, and complete the trips without feeling exhausted or distressed. Quite the achievement for me, and to do this twice in the space of a week, WHO AM I !!

So, back to "control". This came up time and time again in the sessions when explaining what I was feeling in any situation. Loss of control equates to the unknown, which starts the mind going. Conjuring up all sorts of crazy and unrealistic scenarios, which the rational mind identifies and rejects, but the irrational anxious mind takes it and runs with it. Before you know it you are thinking about all sorts of catastrophes, from what was once a simple "as a stranger a question" moment.  My minds ability to go off on a tangent is something quite impressive. A moment of thinking about something simple in the house, can in seconds turn into recollections pf seeing my mum pass away, laying there lifeless. The possibilities are endless. Probably why quite a few of these blog entries go off on wild tangents from time to time. 

Control also manifests when I am in an uncomfortable social situation. If I become loud, and the centre of attention, I can control the direction of the conversation, and exit when I please, so that is where the social butterfly mask comes into play. I can't get away from it, so let's control it. Exhausting as it is, in the moment it helps me maintain control, and prevents my thoughts running away with me. But I can't maintain it for long, and when I over stay, it is like Cinderella at the ball. Midnight is coming, and the world is about to come crashing down.

Anyway, that about sums up CBT for me. A journey I took with a therapist, to get to know myself a little better, challenge the normal, and push my boundaries. To explore my limits, and understand my behaviours. Mission complete, and happy with the outcome. So all is well.......?
GOD NO !!!

I will end this entry here, and do another for the road ahead, and where I am now. You have read enough I am sure.

Thanks for reading, more to follow soon. I mean REALLY soon!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on The fine line defined

On my current journey with anxiety and my mental health, I have once again made some interesting discoveries. The first being with the medication. I have felt over the past few weeks that the control I have over my moods is all my own doing, and that the relatively low dose of meds might not be worth while. However after a recent late evening wobble, and the panic setting in that I would dwell on it for weeks and not be able to sleep at all that night, I slept fine. Now I am not saying this was all down to the medication, as I know for a fact I was using techniques to distract myself from the subject. However feeling like I was going to struggle, then discovering I was actually doing OK was just a reminder of the mental numbness the meds provide. Ideal for situations just like this. I am happy to report that I have been OK with it all since too, although a little annoyed when it pops back into my head. 

So between the meds and my new found skills and techniques to deal with unwanted thoughts, I have done well, and am thankful to be on the meds. My plan to try and ease off them any time soon has been put to one side, as it seems that this is a good balance for me, especially as my mental clarity returns, allowing me to be able to write and vent again. 

Recently though, while working with the therapist on goals and what I want to achieve from this round of CBT, my goalposts have moved a little with the realisation of a couple of different factors. 
Firstly with setting goals I am encouraged to push my limits and try things I generally avoid. Tackling social situations which cause me anxiety, in order to experience them and learn from them. The aim here is basically exposure therapy, becoming more familiar and comfortable with certain situations, and trying to chip away at the pre event anxiety by reinforcing my thoughts with positive experiences. 

The second part is about me and my familiarity with certain aspects of my day to day life. When something flares up, you tend to focus on that issue, and put all the other things aside for a while. Attributing everything to that one single issue, and making it the source of all evil which needs to be overcome. In all the noise of CBT and the positive strides I am making, I had forgotten about so many other aspects of day to day life for me, and other issues I deal with. Kidding myself for a moment that if I can overcome the issues addressed in my CBT, I will be a new man... But that is NOT the case. 

As my mind clears, and I start to get back to my normal activities, I am able to ask myself questions about what I want from life, and answer myself honestly, without any sort of perfection pipe dream ideas. 

What got me thinking about all this was working from home. Sorry, but don't panic, it isn't going to turn into a post about that, although I should say I have not heard a word about WFH since returning to work from my sickness a while back. Not even the promised check in calls. Oh well!
No, instead this is about the isolation aspect of WFH, as many have spoken of MH issues arising from spending so much time alone, you may recall I actually said I had seen benefits. 

I took an afternoon to consider if it was actually having any negative impacts on me at all. On days with crappy weather, with no commute to do, I will generally stay indoors 99% of the day. Maybe spending a while in the garden with the dogs a few times a day, but nothing more. But is that a bad thing? To have a restful day, relaxing the mind and body for a bit? Some would argue that it is detrimental to someones wellbeing to be isolated like that, but in reality it is downtime for me, and something I need plenty of. In fact I would go so far as to say, having this level of control over my engagements with others is a wonderful thing. Another example of how I control my interactions, sending packages. I would rather pay more to send something to someone and use an automated drop box, than go into a local store to drop off something. A tiny interaction, but one I would rather not do. Am I afraid, anxious, or just anti-social, that is hard to say, but I will address it later. But in short, after careful consideration, NO, I don't see WFH as a negative for me, in fact I stand by my original feelings about it, and I think it is definitely a positive. 

The next thing to look at is socialising, as it is something that my CBT has focused on over the past eight weeks or so. As the sessions have progressed I have been called on to take a look at my social skills, and how they could improve for me. I think the main reason for this goes back to my first talk with the GP, and mentioning being in an office environment made me feel anxious. As we discussed this, she focused on the social aspect of the anxiety, which is fair enough, but we didn't touch on my more general anxieties, and other bits. This passed over to the MH experts and my CBT became focused on the social part, rather than broader anxiety, and that is how it has stayed. 

As the sessions have gone by, there is no denying I have gained some valuable tools for dealing with social situations I find myself in, however I feel like there are other issues I have, and struggle with that are overlooked by this focus. To this extent the sessions are feeling almost non productive at times now, and dealing with things I would not likely choose to encounter, and avoid for reasons other than anxiety as such. Although it may be generalised as that.

One of the things that I have recently been reminded of is how noise affects me. This is where the divide of anxiety and other starts to show up. For me noise, be it environmental or other sounds such as music, or even just loud conversation, is something that really impacts my state of mind. To be clear, it is not simply loud noises, I love a concert as much as the next person (artist and environment allowing). For me it is more about noise clashes. A few examples maybe

Listening to music, and hearing other sounds, music or conversation over the top of it
Watching TV, and someone speaking at the same time
Busy environments with lots of talking, laughter, screaming. (shopping centres etc)
In short, noise clashes, be they natural or man made. My brain struggles to process them, I get frustrated and then feel almost anxious, and want to escape the area. I have tried many times on focusing on one sound, trying to zone out, but it is very difficult for me to do, especially if I am already in an unfamiliar or uncomfortable environment. 

This combined with crowded spaces with lots of people moving around is an absolute nightmare for me. With regards to places like concerts, getting in and out is horrible, but actually being there in the moment is fine, or at least worth the effort of staying calm for. Like many things, it is all about the cost to me in mental energy. If it is something I want to do badly enough, I will put myself through hell to be in that moment, and worry about the cost later. But to be in a situation I don't like, then suffer the same drain of energy feels like a fail and absolute torture. 

With all the above in mind, I am left back at the same point I was before the latest bout of anxiety, and that is wondering what else there is to it, other than just anxiety. 
A while back I considered some testing for other things like Autism. Not for a diagnosis, or any sort of weird labelling exercise, but to better understand what the strange combinations of symptoms and quirks I have, and what they amount to. Just to understand it for myself and help me make better decisions moving forward. So in the new year, after CBT is all done, and I have a fresher head on my shoulders I may once again look into getting some private testing done. Curiosity not cure is my mantra for this. 

When all is said and done, and coming back to the title of the entry, I am keen to discover a few things, such as what is down to my general anxiety, and what is down to something else. What can I have some control over, and what ultimately has control over me. And most importantly, how do I adjust my life/ behaviours, and educate others around me to my particular needs. I don't want to be the guy who simply dismisses things without trying them, in fear of what might happen. I know that is something I can both control and do better with. But I also know that certain settings are simply not my thing, and regardless of reason or excuse, I wish to avoid them at all costs.

Lots more to say on some of this, but feel I have gone on long enough now and am just rambling, so will call it a day here. I am keen to get a couple of other entries done soon, but going to let the brain rest for a bit, so I don't write absolute trash.

Interesting side note, I have been writing this during quiet moments between work. Which to me is huge, to be able to switch my thought processed so effectively again is a great feeling. 

Thanks as ever for reading.