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Tag: social anxiety

Published on Leave a comment on Unexpected wobble!

I have been working from home now for...errm... 33 months thereabouts. In that time, since the initial testing the PC would work remotely, then returning to the office, I have only been back to the office once. That was to collect a few things I needed, just to clear out my desk so to speak. In that time a lot has happened, and as some readers of the blog will know, I have realised that working in the office environment has long been a source of anxiety for me, and was affecting my quality of life. Due to Covid and the whole Work From Home thing, I have literally had a news lease of life handed to me, being able to do my job, while not having to go to the office and be around others. 

Well, that WAS the case....
Yesterday, logging onto the work computer, username, password, enter.... Wait..... ERROR!
Hmmm, try again, ERROR!
Reading the error it said that "signing in on this credential is not possible, as we cannot access the required domain" In other words, the PC would not connect to my work network. Shit!!!

Thinking it might be an internet connection problem, I tried the alternative internet connections I have. I have a total of five available, so went through them one by one. Nope, nope, nope! Checking with people in the team to see if anyone else had problems, it appeared it was just me. Double damnit. Checking my other PC on the same internet connection all was well, so it wasn't that. Then I remembered, when we started working from home, one or two of the PC's got a little homesick and decided they wanted to be plugged back into the mothership, aka the LAN connection in the office. Once this had been done, they worked fine again.

You know what this means... I was going to have to go to the office. As soon as it became apparent, my anxiety went through the roof. I have spent two years battling to stay at home, I am 99% of the way there to be permanent, once work can commit to writing, but because of my poor PC feeling homesick, I would have to go in. Not how I saw my day going. Having told the team what the situation was, I started to get the bits together that I would need to take into the office, to connect, and check the remote access once there. Grabbing a bag, I spiralled into a blind panic, getting tangled in cables, becoming confused about what I needed to take with me, and could feel my heart pounding.

Now I know some will be thinking, "get a grip", but quite frankly, I have been trying to do that for years now, and prefer the way things work currently, without the need for added stress like this. It is the first time in quite a while that my mind has spun up and instantly out of control, and to feel that way again makes me feel physically sick and panicked. Finally getting myself as together as I could I headed out. As soon as I started the car, I could feel myself almost tingling with anxiety. Immediately wondering who will be there, who will see me, what will they think, what will I say, and so much more.

For the next 30 mins, driving to the office in quite heavy traffic, I kept having to bring my thoughts back to the moment, and stop thinking about what would happen next. South London roads are not the place to lose your concentration. Finally arriving in the area, I needed to find somewhere to park. A lot has changed around there in the past few years, and most roads are permit parking. Falling back to an old faithful space I got parked. Lifting the bag from the footwell, it felt 10x heavier than putting it in the car. Like my mind was trying to prevent me from going through with this. Locking the car and walking away, I could feel my heart racing now, sweaty hands, and a million thoughts rushing through my mind. Getting closer and closer, I just continued to feel worse. 

Seeing the building in the distance, I focused on the moment, and tried not to give myself time to think, walking quickly, reaching the door and hitting the buzzer before I could blink. After what seemed an eternity, the door clicked and in I walked. Greeted by a colleague I have not seen for maybe a couple of years, I switched on my game face, and instantly became my work persona. I could feel the switch, and can honestly say I really didn't like who I was being, but its the happy go lucky Michael they all expect, so that is the character I needed to play to get through this. Almost like an imposter, I chatted as I moved through the building, ticking off the social politeness requirements, before scurrying off to the old office and getting sorted. 

Walking into the office was a relief. Taking a moment at the door to see that no one was in there, and no other lights were on on the floor, I could breathe for a minute, knowing I was alone. As I stood there in the doorway, I felt a moment of relief, then a wave of familiarity. Not just from being back in the office, a place I have worked for many years, but also familiarity of how draining that whole routine felt every day. Running the gauntlet of the ground floor, walking into the office on the 2nd floor, and wondering which colleagues would be in the office that day, taking a minute between floors to gear myself up, and get my game face on, before becomes fake me for the next six hours. 

One good thing that did come from this whole "adventure" was the confirmation of how I feel about the whole workplace environment. This was not walking into a strange place, not meeting strange people, none of the usual things that we are anxious about. I was feeling this way purely in the expectation of the old "normal". Confirming that I am 100% not an office kinda guy. It was not all in my mind, it was not something I had made up in the early months of WFH, this is real, and it makes me feel mentally and physically ill. 

OK, I am in! Like a hacker from a movie, it was time to do my thing. Putting my backpack on the desk, and starting to unpack leads, peripherals etc I instantly realised I had screwed up when packing. With everything laid out on the desk, I realised that I didn't have my Wi-Fi dongle, therefore would not be able to test the remote login software to check the VPN connection was available. Great! So at best, I would restore my connection to the work network via a LAN connection, go back home and still not be able to access it. Thankfully I had one thing I could check. While at home with the PC not logging in, I was unable to sign into my work email on my phone. Once I had plugged the PC in and managed to sign in, I again tried my phone and to my relief, it signed in this time. Obviously something was blocking my user access to the network, and plugging in had sorted it. 

Seeing all my applications opening without issue, I didn't waste another second. I signed out, powered the PC down, and packed up, opting to leave the building the quiet way this time, bypassing all the other people, and avoiding the need to use my fake face anymore. Stepping out of the building and heading for the car, I felt like I had just pulled off a heist, and almost wanted to break into a sprint. I refrained of course. Getting back to the car, sitting down and taking a moment to settle, I could feel the stress draining from my body, my heart calming down, and felt like I could focus again on the things around me. It felt like an hour long panic attack was finally ending, and I was starting to regain control of my faculties. The drive home seemed so much more relaxed, window down, fresh air (as fresh as it gets around here), and music on. Picturing walking back into my home office and getting settled again. 

That was of course until I started wondering if it WOULD sign back onto the network remotely, would it work on my Wi-Fi, could I plug the LAN back in, or would that throw it all out again? Yup, classic over thinker, how to mess yourself up even when everything is well. 

I got home, grabbed a drink, and set everything back up again, opting not to use the LAN connection just yet, and see how things worked on Wi-Fi. I am happy to report that it all signed in fine, and I was back working again within two hours of it all going wrong. Quicker than most have managed I will add.

For the rest of the day I felt a little wound up, and more stressed than I have for quite some time. Looking at my HR and measured stress levels for the period they were all elevated. That was from briefly walking through a room of people before escaping to the quiet of a familiar office. The strange and sad part is though, that evening it felt like I had just got home from a whole day in the office. In need to unwind and relax before I could get back to being myself. 

It just felt so familiar, and as I said before, confirmed how little I like being in that environment.

Which brings me back to, waiting to hear back from work. Many calls have been missed now, and I still have heard nothing back from HR about the progress of my personal situation. Given that the not knowing caused a spiral and me to be off sick for a period, I was hoping it would be taken more seriously, but alas no.

 

Anyway, better get on.. Thanks as ever for reading. Normal service has now resumed. 

Published on Leave a comment on My history with anxiety. Pt 2

In the last entry about this subject I focused on the first thing I can look back on, and identify as a coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety. The problem there is it is a retrospective glance back, and I can say categorically that I was completely unaware that any of this was going on. Sure I knew I had to have my hanky in my pocket, and I guess if you had asked me about it at the time I would have compared it to a comforter of some sort. In my younger years I had actually played with my hair a lot more (back when I had some), and would play with my fringe or the hair on the crown of my head. Probably why they are the first to areas to disappear.  I guess as I got older and appearance mattered more, I switched my hair for a hanky. Kinda makes sense really. 

Again, all of this was very much a habit, and a subconscious behaviour to deal with my feelings about certain situations. One thing I can say though is, for a period of time in my teens and early twenties I had far less in the way of social anxiety, my inhibitions were almost non-existent, or so it seemed, and I feel like I behaved like a "normal" person. I don't have any recollections of much in the way of worries about doing things. I was a bit of a gym rat, working out 5-6 times a week, training hard, comfortable in a gym environment, a little shy socially but nothing terrible. Girls really were no on my radar at this point, so I think I was happy in my own little world of gym, friends and home life. 

I think back quite regularly to try and work out when I first became aware of my issues, and if anything happened to start the ball rolling. I have had quite a few moments now where I think I have put my finger on it, but ultimately I think it is a catalogue of events and experiences which all added up together, finally triggered by an event which acted as a catalyst.

Early years, we grew up poor, and I mean POOR! OK not homeless, but hand-me-downs, handouts, living on benefits, three of us in a one bed flat. (me, my mum and my sister) Single parent family, short holidays provided by social services, dinner would sometimes be toasted burger buns with tomato ketchup (no burger), being the kid at school who struggled to bring a toy in. My aunts would send money to my mum at holiday times so we could have a tin of Quality Street, the only actual family holidays were twice a year to North Wales to stay with my aunts, travel paid for by them. I can recall my mum saving the two or four pages in her benefits book which could be stamped by a different Post Office other than the nominated one, which she would use when we were in Wales. Aware of my position on the scales of society, so limited the people I socialised with. Older mum than most kids so stood out for that. The fat kid, struggled with bed wetting, the list goes on. It wasn't the best of starts, but I would not change it for the world. Mum did her best to make the best of a bad situation, and rather than being an ungrateful child who wanted for nothing, I feel it has prepared me in life to know what nothing feels like, and to be thankful for what I have. Which I sometimes struggle to do. 

Going back to Wales for a moment, I think it is fair to say that the three or four weeks a year we would spend there really impacted me deeply. And although I still live in the same house I grew up in (not the one bedroom, we moved when I was eight), 42 years later being back in Wales almost feels more like a home than being here. I am going to analyse my thoughts here and say that Wales offered me hope and security growing up. It was always a happy place, great memories were made there, and I can't look back and think of any negatives. Instead it gave me a happy place, somewhere to escape to a couple of times a year, and something to look forward to. I have to say I think that feeling lives on today, and arriving in Wales each time we travel there gives me the most honest feeling of "home" I can experience anywhere.  Familiarity of the areas, space to walk and breathe, surrounded by nature, and somehow able to escape my own mind, and my fears for a moment. 

Getting back on track, I can remember when changing schools came around, the idea of leaving the nest of St Michaels seemed terrifying. I had been to nursery, infants, and junior school all on the same site. Almost 10 years of the same routine, same walk to school (back when kids walked to school!), being around the same children, and all that was going to be ripped away from me. My new school would not be a local one, but instead I would have to get the bus five miles each morning and evening, travelling to a new area, and one which was home turf for most of the kids at the school. I felt like an outsider for sure, most of the others knew other kids from primary school but not me.  Our tutor group was good though, and over time I managed to forge bonds with a small handful who I would stick with through my years there. 

Secondary school was also the first time I really experienced someone dying. My aunt had died a few years earlier while I was at primary, but I had known she was ill, and my mum told me on the bus home from school one evening. Damn, I got a bus home from school, that was lazy. The news was sad, and I remember feeling a loss, but not much more than that. It felt very matter of fact, not in the way it was delivered, but the way I received it. I think my mum probably expected more of a reaction, but there wasn't to be one.  It was not until secondary school, and hearing the news that one of the boys I travelled on the bus with each day had died as a result of being hit by a car at the bus stop we got off at daily, that I had any kind of emotional reaction to a death at all. In fact looking back over my life since, I think that was the one and only time I ever cried at the news of someone dying. I certainly didn't for my mum, or the passing of a number of close friends in close succession. I will come back to that.

From around this time, I would say I became quite emotionally numb to life in general. Little sympathy for much going on around me in day to day life, feelings of sadness, but crying wasn't really a thing. I would hazard a guess and say that from that point on, the only reason I cried was in pain, and even that was pretty rare. A few broken wrists didn't really bring tears to my eyes, but a couple of other notable moments of physical pain definitely did. 

As my teens passed, I carried on like any normal kid, got a job, learned to drive, but avoided things like alcohol or smoking, and definitely no drugs. I would describe myself as quietly adventurous at that stage in life. I had a passion for cars and speed, liked to go to clubs for the atmosphere and feeling of belonging. Weekends at Equinox in Leicester Square were the norm. When I was 18 I went away for the first time, buying a holiday from a newspaper ad, with two friends from work, and flying off to Poros in Greece for two weeks. Somewhere I would have my first experience with alcohol in the form of copious amounts of tequila shots each night.  I had grown up !

At some point my social circles changed a bit and I "modified" a car for the first time. Ironically it all started with a trip to Wales. Leaving home for a trip with Steve, we got as far as Elephant and Castle, I pulled up to the petrol pump to fill up, and saw it was out of use. Manoeuvring the car to another pump I clipped the island puncturing a tyre. We swapped it for the space which was a different size, and drove to Wales. Arriving in Wales and deciding it needed to be changed, and a spare sought, we went to Kwik-Fit in Llandudno. They had the tyre in stock and the car went off to get sorted. The guy then came through and asked would I be interested in four new tyres, and could get them on buy now pay later...CREDIT !!

Of course I jumped at the idea, but on leaving the Kwik-Fit the car felt different. Arriving at my aunts house and looking at the car, they had fitted lower profile tyres to the car, and I loved it! And so started my love for modifying my cars. Now in the new world I was going to new places and meeting new people, and still at this point enjoying the social side of life. This is where things changed a bit. Hanging out with a new group of friends, which included a couple of girls. The story gets a bit messy from here on in, so will spare you some of the details, but the long and the short of it.. One of the guys who was seeing one of the girls went on a short holiday to HMP Feltham, and in the time he was away, I kinda started seeing the girl. This turned into something quite deep and emotional, and at the grand old age of 20, I lost my virginity! Immediately besotted with her we stuck together, I moved in to her place, and in a few short months we were at Bromley Hospital A&E as she had "food poisoning" which turned out to be pregnancy. A child was born. This was 1995.

After about 18 months of her being born, me and her mum were drifting a bit, and after a silly argument we split up. Determined my child would not grow up as a single parent child, I made sure I was there all the time, supported them financially, and tried to be a father. Seeing her develop was amazing.
All was well til around 1998, when for reasons I won't go into, access was stopped with immediate effect. I would honestly say, that as the years have gone by, I have denied the impact this had on my mental health. But recent years of digging deep and being honest with myself, I would have to say that THIS was the moment my mind started to fall apart. Occasional phone calls from her mum would anger me, filled with demands and accusations, to the point when I punched through a laminated panel, slicing my hand open. I recall calling Sainsburys in Forest Hill straight after, asking to speak to my heavily pregnant sister, and telling her "don't panic, but I have cut my hand open quite badly and it won't stop bleeding". She very kindly rushed home from work, bandaged me up and came to the hospital with me. 

I think 1999 was a bad year for me, desperately trying to find my feet again. Throwing myself head first into gym life, changing jobs now working nights doing security. The majority of my life was now work (60-80 hours a week) and going to the gym sometimes twice daily, five times a week. Retreating more and more from the more social side of things, and I guess distracting myself from anything around me that could hurt me again. Relationships were short lived, jumping around trying to find a sense of happiness and belonging, but still coming to terms with not being able to see my daughter. I tried to be matter of fact about it, but the reality was it was eating me up inside, and stopping me from getting close to people, or having any meaningful friendships of relationships.

So THAT, I think was the moment my life changed, and I altered course to arrive where I am today. To this day I have issues with closeness, there are certain situations, especially around kids, even my own nieces and nephews which make me highly uncomfortable, and affect my relationships with family and loved ones. Obviously a lot more has happened since then, and I will carry to story on soon. But for now my mind is tired and frantic from thinking this all through, so now is probably a good time to call it a day.

Thanks for reading one of the longest entries I have written for a while. I do love it when the flow returns, but hate deciding where to call it a day for an entry. 

Til next time. 

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Published on 1 Comment on Feeling positive

OK, let's not get carried away, but today feels like a good day. Started out by getting up earlier, with the plan being to contact the GP to get a follow up appointment and discuss my med does, with the view to possibly increasing it. The past couple of weeks have been a little testing to put it nicely, so it got me thinking that maybe I needed an increase. However after getting up this morning and waiting for the GP phone lines to open, I had a think, reasoned with myself and decided that with all the upheaval at the moment, maybe now is the wrong time to just up the meds. Maybe let things settle down a bit first and see how it goes. Returning to work (I will come back to that), the change in weather, the sudden decrease in cycling and time outside, all has an impact on my mental state, and is not a direct reflection of my actual state of anxiety.

I had another CBT session this morning, my 8th so far. Prior to the session, especially yesterday I was talking myself out of doing the session, telling myself I didn't feel I needed it anymore, that I was starting to feel better, and any other reason I could come up with. However speaking to Ann about it, I soon realised that I was actually doing this as an avoidance behaviour, and just kidding myself. Of course I need to keep doing the sessions, and should finish the course, who am I kidding! This morning I was dreading getting started with it, but once in the moment, I soon fell into my happy place, and away I went. I mentioned to the therapist that I had considered dropping out or cancelling the session, and she was pleased that I had told her, and that I recognised my reasoning for it. Look at me, I am learning more and more about myself.

One word that has come up again and again is "control". Along with "structure" they are the two words that define my most basic needs. Not to be controlling, but to have an element of control over what I am doing, where I am going, and who I am with. Knowing who I will be with and what is going on makes life a lot easier for me, especially in new situations and surroundings. I only have to look back at certain events to realise how important those two things are to me, and how things can quickly spiral if I am trying to just be a free spirit.  With this knowledge, and the new skills I am learning with CBT I find myself more willing and able to push the boundaries a little, and to try and change my perception of things, especially before even trying or experiencing them.

As an experiment last week, set by my therapist, I tried to find ways to practice pushing my limits a little, and doing things I felt would make me anxious. One of those was speaking to groups of people, or persons I don't know. I had intended on going for a ride, stopping at an unfamiliar cafe and sitting there to eat for lunch, however the weather had other ideas. Instead I decided on something a little more tame, but still something I have avoided repeatedly. On Sundays I take part in a ride on Zwift (online training platform) which is a social event, and has a Discord channel running at the same time, where participants talk, have a laugh, and generally socialise. The idea of being on such a channel, speaking with strangers etc has long scared the hell out of me, but with no other options to try my experiment I downloaded Discord, and when the ride came around, I jumped on. 

For the first 20-30 mins of the ride I just sat back and listened in to what people were talking about, how they interacted, and tried to decide if I could engage with them without feeling stupid, or causing anyone any upset. When the moment presented itself for me to speak, I took my phone off mute, and spoke. Terrified yet vindicated all in the same moment. Moments later someone else responded, and the conversation begun. Careful to mute myself after speaking each time, I felt like I had taken a huge leap, and was now a part of something. Jumping in from time to time to offer some humour, have an opinion or just be a part of the group. Following the session I felt really positive about it all, and know I would not have done it without the CBT sessions and tools I have gained from them so far.

This week, when the ride came around again, I opened the app at the very start, and made a conscious effort to be more involved. Feeling I was getting to know a few of the people on the call, I felt a little braver, and able to be a little more like my natural "cheeky" self. By the end of the session I was more than happy to speak numerous times. After the session I wrote a little message to the group to thank them for the welcome I had received, and explained that I had been doing an experiment for my therapy. I was surprised and delighted with the response I received from that. I wrote the message because I felt like I needed to explain my actions to others, but with a nudge from a friend, and a little retrospective thinking, I realise this was not necessary. However the response had felt good, so no harm done. 

As you might be able to tell from this entry, I am starting to find my flow again with writing and expressing myself, so am hoping to catch up with a few entries over the coming days, and make some notes for myself, while sharing a bit more about my journey so far. I have booked a few days off work soon to give me some time to level out a bit from the sudden rush of going back to work, and also to settle down with the new normal. 

So I shall leave it there for now, and close by saying that I feel pretty good about myself at the moment, and hope to keep up the momentum. 

Thanks for reading as ever. 

Published on Leave a comment on Heigh-ho, heigh-ho…

It's back to work I go...

It has been a while, in fact it feels like an eternity if I am honest, both since working, and writing anything. But lets focus on them one at a time. 

I have been off sick from work since mid-way through September, when the anxiety all got too much for me, and my mind went pop. Signed off by the GP immediately, and put onto meds, and into therapy, the past 6 or so weeks have been one heck of a journey. And it's not over yet, far from it. I was late starting the meds due to reluctance to getting back onto a long course of medication for what felt like a short term glitch. However with no sign of the glitch being sorted any time soon, I decided getting on the meds was the right way to go, and thus far it has been the right decision. CBT has helped too, and I am planning an entry about that too, I just have to get my mind to work right to try and make sense of it all. 

Getting back to work has always been at the front of my mind, as with previous episodes, work has always offered me a sense of routine, and helped my structure my days even at the worst of times. So it is quite a relief to reach this point. That said, it is not easy! 
Right now my brain simply refuses to play ball, mostly because of the medication. Describing its effects to my therapist yesterday I think I hit the nail on the head explaining the difference between my current medicated and non medicated states.

Without meds I have what I would describe as a large Las Vegas style neon sign in my head. This lights up with all sorts of worries, both important and unimportant at the most inopportune times. When I am trying to sleep, it will over power my thoughts and make sure it is the only thing I can think about. 
With meds the sign goes out, and we swap the Vegas strip for a casino, and the slot machines. Now, when I try and think about something it is like hitting START or pulling the arm on a fruit machine, the reels start spinning, the icons become and blur and a thousand images / thoughts run through my head every second. Trying to focus on one topic is like trying to pick out the cherrys symbol on all three reels at the same time, impossible!

I hope that makes some sense, as in my head it makes perfect sense.
Usually when in a normal state of mind, without medication, I am able to focus quite well at the job in hand, or stay part of a conversation. However currently I can barely stay focused for one sentence. During my CBT yesterday I kept drifting away during the discussions, and had to ask for things to be repeated as I just could not take in what was being said. 

Last weekend a few small packages arrived for my for my office. Three simple monitor stands, comprising of 4 pieces of wood, and a few fittings. To say I felt a massive sense of achievement from putting a couple of them together is an understatement. Staying in the moment for 5 mins, focused enough to look at the instructions, make sense of them and put it all together was fantastic and a real boost for my confidence. Which was perfect timing as a few days later I was returning to work, so at least I was not worried I could not concentrate at all.

I have managed two days now working, and I have to say it is draining. Not as bad as it would have been a week or more ago, but I am VERY aware of how much energy it is taking to keep my head in the game. Again, it feels like I have accomplished something far more than doing a days work. 

That brings me to the writing side of things. As a coping mechanism it is great for me, so at times when I am less creative and unable to put too much down in writing, it is a bit of a set back for me. Not being able to get rid of the thoughts that weigh heavily on me takes it toll. So sitting here writing this now feels fantastic, and like I am starting to get a little bit of my sparkle back. But I won't get too carried away just yet. There is a big difference between a little clarity, and feeling better over all. 

During the past few weeks, I have so many things I wanted to write, but just not had the thought process to put anything worthwhile together, and after 10 mins of not putting anything in writing, the thoughts are gone again, so a few missed opportunities which will hopefully come back to me at a later date. 

I am now staring blankly at the screen again, so think it is best to leave it there for now. 

Thanks for reading, thank you to everyone who has lent an ear, chatted on IM and even given me a hug. 🙂 

Published on Leave a comment on It’s all just a blur!

The past few days have been a bit full on to say the least. After a long week of cycling last week, Sunday came around and it was time to complete the 26.2 miles of the Virtual London Marathon. With my head in the clouds and my mood in the gutter it was always going to be challenging. But with the increased lack of activity in my brain (does that even make sense? Increased lack?) it was even harder to make sense of what was going on, let alone stay in the right frame of mind to put myself through the mill to complete the task. Long story short, I did, just about. 18 miles mainly run, the last 8 walked. Got there in the end. Finishing a little deflated with the time, but in the circumstances I am taking it as a win. Six and a half hours. Sub six is the goal if I ever bother again.

Then there is the increase in meds, dose doubled, from Monday, which is a good thing as my brain continues to play games and stress me over nothing. That said, the brain numbness is definitely setting in now. My attention span is non existent, and I have to apologise at the start of conversations in case I tune out mid sentence. The first couple of days with the meds increasing I could feel the wooziness, and the absolute lack of attention and focus I now have. To the point of choosing not to drive. I haven't cycled either, but that is not through lack of want, just lack of useable legs right now! I have however been sleeping a lot better, broken but longer durations. Although the past couple of nights I have struggled to settle at first.

Yesterday was pretty full on. Ann returned to work after being off with her breathing for the past couple of weeks, during and post Covid. However this was short lived as she was back home quickly, and after a chat with 111 the ambulance was on its way. Meanwhile I was preparing for my 3rd CBT session. I subsequently rescheduled that as the ambulance was sure to arrive in the middle of it. Which by the clock, it actually did, so well played me. Back to CBT next week.  Ann was whisked away to hospital for further checks, while I went out for a quick walk to clear my head, before heading to the hospital. 

On arriving at the hospital and finding Ann in A&E, I received an email from work. It was just a quick catch up, but the content of it was quite good. In short it says "HR agree you should remain WFH". Which is what I really needed to hear, so that is massive and positive. But remember how I said I could turn anything negative, well in a flash... My brain went to, "but for how long", "is this just a play on words", "will me being off sick affect their decision" and many more negative thoughts. 
I do however have a catch up meeting on Teams with my boss on Friday, so can address some of my concerns again then. I just need to remember to write them down as I think of them, or I will just forget them in the moment. I really can't remember anything at the moment. 

Right now the way my brain is, I can type this as long as I rely on touch typing, and don't try and look at the keyboard. If I do, all the letters and keys float around and I have to chase them to type. It all feels very unpleasant indeed.

Going back to how I am feeling, and how the meds are affecting me, I spoke with the GP again at the start of the week, and it has been agreed that my absence from work should be extended a little while longer, to allow things to settle down in the grey matter, and for me to level out a bit before trying to actually function on a useful level. If I tried to work now, I would probably just stare at the screen and be completely unable to decide what to do next. How can you write a blog in that case I hear some of you ask... Well, first off, badly!
Secondly, this is me focusing just on what is in my head, and using my instincts and muscle memory to hammer it out on a familiar keyboard. I am sure there are typos in here. Hard to explain, but to get these thoughts out of my head is actually beneficial to my well-being, as oppose to working myself up over things with work.
So the extra time off will hopefully allow me to get some fresh air, clear my head, find some balance, and maybe even get some more news from work about how things are progressing. 

I am sure there were more things I wanted to say, but as I sit here swaying from side to side trying to recall them, I realise it's time to sign off for now. 


Til next time. 

Published on Leave a comment on Just so tired!

The past couple of weeks now I have felt more and more lethargic in the mornings. Mentally and physically exhausted, and happy to just stay in bed all day of the opportunity were to present. My saving grace here is trying to build a routine for myself. At the moment I am off work sick, so part of my daily routine is missing, however I have managed quite well to substitute that section with cycling. Managing a good ride each day. 

In the morning I now find myself forcing myself to get out of bed, then making breakfast and a coffee, plonking myself in front of the TV and waking up slowly, before checking the weather and heading out for a ride. I have purposely scheduled my meds for 9am to make sure I am up and awake by that time, so no long lay ins. 

Once out on the bike I take it easy, and plod around, taking in the sights, keeping the brain busy, and getting some fresh air. But that seems to be my limit right now. Actually doing anything purposeful seems impossible at the moment. Focus is gone, attention span nowhere to be found, so trying to achieve anything which requires any of that is pointless and frustrating to try. 

I have said before about losing your flow mid sentence, we all do it, but I do it constantly at the moment, and it's the same for my train of thought. A blessing and a curse all at once. 

I am due to increase my meds on Monday which will be interesting, and also give an indication of what is causing my lethargy. It could be the meds as numbing my mind has always been an effect of them, or it could be the break in routine that is throwing me into a spin. Either way, right now I will just go with the flow, as the anxiety levels are dropping, sleep is improving, and general state of mind is better. 

I can't help but continue to feel that the meds are almost unnecessary, with anxiety levels having reached the point they did due to the speed at which work have dealt with the whole WFH issue. It still bothers me now, wondering what is going to happen, but alas there is still no answer on thay front. A full 10 days after I last spoke to work, not a single email to advise of what is going on. So still the cause of the spiral continues. I just don't get it. Thinking about it makes me anxious, sad, confused and angry all at the same time. As I have said before even a "we need to pass this up the line, hold tight" would be something, but nope! 

With the meds increasing, the wait continuing and the anxiety hanging on in there, I think this is going to be a long journey. While I am happy to wait it out, I just hope it won't be too long, as once I reach the point of questioning my own sanity, it becomes a whole different story, and depression starts to creep in fast. It's a cycle for me, and one I would rather avoid. So hopefully I will hear back from work next week.... How many times have I said that now? 

I am pleased to say Covid has been and gone now, and I am starting a bounce back physically from that at least. So the cycling is playing a part in helping me at least feel I can recover quickly. An important message for me right now, assuring myself I can bounce back from this episode of anxiety quickly too. Last time around with Covid it lingered for a while, so it's good to have shaken at least one monkey off my back. To be unable to get out on the bike right now would be crippling. 

 

Side note, I am sitting in the front room soaking up some morning sun, while watching the F1 while I write this. To write the above I had the sound on mute, as soon as I turned it back on, my ability to carry on writing dissolved. Focus, I just can't! 

Anyway, it's the weekend. Thanks for reading, and here's to a better week for news next week. 

PS, I'm off my for my flu jab shortly, if that doesn't knock me for six I will be surprised. 

Published on Leave a comment on CBT – Round 2 – FIGHT (or flight)

Today saw the second session of CBT for me, and I have to be perfectly honest, my mind was not in the right place for it today. Since the last session I have had a homework assignment to do, as well as a long questionnaire to complete, but quite frankly my mind has really not been up to the task. In fact it has not been up to doing much of late. Putting off and just leaving some tasks all together, choosing instead to slouch in front of the TV and binge watch TV programs. Although it is not all negative, after all, sometimes it's good just to completely let go. Relax a little, break the routine and just do whatever the mind chooses to do. All that before of course, reinstating a strict regime to follow, to keep the mind busy, and a routine ticking over. 

So back to todays session. It started with getting up in time to get the homework and questionnaire complete in time to send back before the session. That in itself was a challenge, finding myself getting confused and wound up by some of the questions. Not to mention starting to feel anxious while answering some of them, as they required me to put myself in stressful situations to decide on the answers. By the time the session came around I was already tense and my head was spinning a bit. 

At the start of the session I mentioned to the therapist that I was off to a bad start for the day, and we went over the mornings events to try and ease the stress a little. I of course know that had I bothered to get the assignments done before this morning, it would have made for a much easier start to the day. But I have already made my excuses, and I am sticking by them. From there we moved on to the rest of the session, going through the homework, discussing what I had learned about certain aspects of the anxiety structure, and seeing what I could improve on. Then the world turned upside down. The question came, "how would you feel if I asked you to speak to someone you have never spoken to before. Strike up a conversation, and chat for five minutes?". By the time she got to the end of the sentence my heart was already pounding and my mouth had gone dry. 

In a flash, running scenarios of what would we talk about, what would they be like etc. Pausing for a second I said "terrified!" The idea of someone else suddenly becoming involved and being expected to make small talk was horrific. Here I am in my safe little bubble, just me and her chatting about things, and suddenly there would be someone else! She replied, "do you think you could manage it though". Instinct said NOOOOOO!!, my happy space is not getting into these situations in the first place, let alone struggling my way through it. But obviously, for the sake of making some progress on the CBT course I know I have to put myself in awkward and uncomfortable situations, so I said I could do it, but didn't feel good about it.

We then went through some pre conversation questions, asking me to gauge how I felt 1-10 about various things like ability to hold a conversation, did I feel safety behaviours would come into play and so on. After this it was explained who the person would be, how we would structure the chat, and what would happen next. Then it was time, the therapist brought the person into the meeting, and made introductions. To my relief it was a lovely softly spoken young lady, so any fear of confrontation or being overwhelmed slipped away. After the introductions we spoke about the chosen subject of exercise and fitness. Throughout I fiddled with a pen on the desk out of shot, and found myself doing what I do best, talking and talking, offering compliments and positive reinforcements to them, while trying to keep the conversation in my control until the time was up. It was not a total monologue, but I was aware of how much I had spoken, and how little I had breathed, based on my heart rate by the end.

She went off, and me and the therapist did a recap, and re-ran the questions again. I had found myself much more confident towards the end of the conversation than I had first thought I would. I am starting to learn things about myself I didn't know. The inital avoidance of the conversation is far more powerful than the anxiety once engaged in the moment. The anxiety then switches to what I can only describe as a sand timer filled with energy inside of me, and I can feel the energy draining away as each moment passes. Almost controlling my fight or flight response, keeping myself in the uncomfortable moment but at great expense to my energy reserves. It is all related, not two separate issues, but it is interesting to see the point at which it switches over from complete avoidance (comfort zone for me) to fight or flight. In my case I choose fight, but thankfully only metaphorically, and fight in this case is to fight my own anxiety, and stay in the situation.

So that was the stranger moment over with.... Or was it. As we finished up the summary of what had just happened, I was asked how I would feel repeating the exercise, this time trying to avoid any physical coping mechanisms. Sit on my hand so to speak, and focus on the conversation and staying engaged. My immediate reaction was almost identical to the first time, became a fidget, and started looking all over the place. But within seconds, I felt myself calming down a bit as this was going to be the same person again, no new introductions, just a new topic, and trying to stay in normal conversation. This time I actually sat on my hands and tried to leave breathing room in the chat for her to speak to. By the end of five mins, despite feeling more comfortable about the conversation, I found myself almost in a tight ball, and hunched up. I had found a different want to use up the excess energy generated by the fight or flight reflex. 

Asked by the therapist if I felt that safety behaviours played a positive role in the conversation, I had a mixed response. From the brief exercise I had learned that when my body switches to fight or flight, like anyone else I get a surge of adrenaline which causes my body to feel full of energy. If I can find a way to expel that energy, while remaining in the situation, things start to become more manageable. For example, the first conversation, while more challenging, felt more relaxed due to playing with the pen. Much like my trusty twisty handkerchief I wrote about before. It has clearly played a much more profound role than I had given it credit for. 
With regards to other safety behaviours, such as complete avoidance of situations, while it certainly makes aspects of life far more comfortable, it is also sadly impractical to avoid people completely. Besides, contrary to belief, I do actually like some people.. Not many, but a few, and I enjoy their company, so being able to do that more would be lovely, hence here I am in therapy.

So my take away from todays session is that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, more capable than I believe I am, but go into hyperdrive when put in a situation which makes me feel uncomfortable. That part I think I knew all along. Maintain control, wrap it up quickly, and get the hell outta Dodge! Flight plays a part in my responses after all, it's just a little bit delayed for politeness. 

Going back to the start for a moment, to address the lateness in getting the assignment done. It all comes back around to the slowing down of my mind at the moment. I am pretty sure it's 90% meds 10% mood, but I just have very little get up and go at the moment. I have recently started having random thoughts just popping up in the middle of other things. For example last night I was thinking about a route I could walk or run, and suddenly roast potatoes and gravy.... What the hell! I mean I love them and all, but what did that have to do with it, But they quite literally dropped straight into the middle of my visualising a route. Just one of many random thoughts. That said, I would take random interruptions to my thought process over the inability to let a thought or worry go for hours on end. Just takes some getting used to. Needless to say, certain tasks which require concentration or focus are rather difficult right now. Next week my med dose increases a little, so it should be interesting to see how that affects things. In the past it has gotten worse before it has got better, so we shall see.

Right, I shall leave it there for now, but to summarise, session 2, shellshocked but feeling positive. 
Back for another blog entry soon, got so much more to write, just lacking the focus to be able to get it out.

Published on Leave a comment on My history with anxiety. Pt1

Over recent years I have found myself wondering where this all began. What was my trigger to this whole battle with mental health, and when I could first recall the first instances or behaviours. 

I usually have these internal conversations late at night when I am trying to sleep, like now. 11pm on a Wednesday night. So I decided that the best way to deal with it is to document it. Then then next time I have these conversations, I can look back and remind myself and stop the cycle in its tracks. That's the plan anyway. 

So last night I was laying here at about 12.30am, trying to shut my mind up, and events of many years ago kept coming back into my head. 

I am going to try and write this little mini series in a more constructive way, but for now wanted to get this one out of my head. 

My Twisty! Since late in junior school, and definitely through secondary I used to carry cotton hankies. Good old fashioned cotten, washable hankies. None of that tissue nonsense. Gross I know! Anyway, hygiene aside, I always had one with me, much like my trust in inhaler, it was one of the items on the pocket checklist before heading out. 

Now these hankies, originally intended for their main purpose soon became something much more. My twisty. Wherever I was, whatever I was doing, I would always have one hand in my pocket, twisting the corners of the hankie. Tighter and tighter, the more nervous or uncomfortable I felt, the more I would fiddle with them. This habit went way on into my twenties. 

Now I know it's just a fidget thing, loads of people use things like that to pass time, create a distraction, or cope with anxiety. Heck we had a craze for fidget spinners, but for me this is just one little piece of the puzzle which helps me see my road map to where I am today. And also helps me to see this isn't sudden, or sporadic, but more a long term pattern for the way I have always been. 

I'm just going to wrap it all up there, but will add more parts to this series in the coming days as more things come to mind. 

Next up, late bed wetting, and how it shaped my early years... 

Watch this space. 

Published on Leave a comment on Lots in a little time

 

It's been a few days, and what a few days it has been! Walking, cycling, Zwifting and more.

After Tuesday things have stayed quite positive, with the occasional hiccup here and there. Biggest issues have been my back pain and crappy sleep, but more on that in a bit. Being back on the bike has been a massive help to me I think. Being able to free my mind of the dark and worrying thoughts for a while is always a positive start to a day. With a good hard real world ride yesterday, a lethargic Zwift session the day before, and plenty of walking in between, my head is a much fresher place to be.

Yesterday saw a call with my manager regarding my recent visit to the GP, and the outcome of that. The plan being to take these findings to HR, and arrange an appointment with the companies Occupational Health service, in order to better understand the impact of my situation, and to address any adaptations to the role or "workplace" to accommodate the recommendations. This is a road I have been down before with work, and one I am comfortable with. Even if the intentions of the first referral years ago were somewhat questionable, but lets not go there again!

The conversation with the manager was a very pleasant and understanding chat, which was quite welcome I have to say. While I am pretty much an open book when it comes to talking about my mental health, having a conversation with a new person about it can feel quite awkward at times. Thankfully I have known this manager a long time now, and it was just a matter of finding a common language to get the conversation started. By the end of the chat it felt like I had been understood, and we were on at least the same chapter of the book about what was needed.  A referral to OH has been made, so now I await an appointment and go from there. 

In the meantime I am due a follow up with my GP next week, but of course I need to chase this up as their appointment system at the moment doesn't show an appointment for me. No stress, just taking things one step at a time. Next week I also have a consultation with the local authority Mental Health team IAPT for an assessment for counselling and any other treatment recommendations moving forward. I remember the first time I spoke to them, and how hopeless it made me feel by the end of the conversation. So I am putting that to the back of my mind, and hoping for a better experience this time around.  What do we think they will recommend for social anxiety? A group session maybe? lol

All in all, as far as mentally anyway, things are on track. I mentioned to my manager during the chat the possibility of an assessment for ASD too, so that is all noted. Yet to see what the GP and IAPT think about this, and what the timescales would be. The next week or two is all about appointments, chats and assessments, then we take the next step, whatever that may be.

From a work perspective, it is recognised that changes may be needed depending on what OH think of it all. The biggest thing that came up again and again with my manager was the way working in the office with the "team" makes me feel, and how time away has made me realise that the office environment is probably THE biggest contributor to my struggles with anxiety on a day to day basis. Jeez just interacting on TEAMS is harder work than it should be at times! Fingers crossed the chat with OH which I believe is virtual at the moment (Covid rattles on) is good enough to put across what the actual issues are here, and not sound like a whiner.

My biggest fear at every step of the way, being seen as a work shy little whiny princess who wants it all his own way. I am sure anyone who doesn't understand anxiety (not just feeling a little anxious) will see it as a ploy to just stay working from home. To some, as it has throughout Covid, working from home is just for lazy people who don't want to work. Whereas in reality, with WFH I actually spend more time working, am more flexible with my time, and able to adapt better to changes in requirements. Only this week I was able to log on to work at 7am and get the day started much earlier than usual, which allowed me to help the team long before I was officially starting work that day. But hey, WFH is for lazy people, and isn't productive. 
Let's see eh.

Physically however the back pain has continued, which has led to poor sleep and feeling tired a lot of the day. I was not sure over the past week if that was mental or physical exhaustion, but as my mood lifted things changed a bit. However some residual lethargy remained, the product of crap sleep and dare I say poor diet too. Dealing with the back was first up, and today I visited Andrew Fung the awesome Osteopath, visiting him at clinic in Greenwich. Had a lovely little walk there with Ann from Greenwich Park, so arrived in a good frame of mind. An hour later, lots of popping and cracking from my back etc, and I am already moving a lot more freely, however will be following up with another appointment next week. It was good to get a professional take on how things were, and be assured that things are on the mend, so I look forward to my next appointment with Andrew next week. I won't pretend I am not left with discomfort at the moment, but am sure I will sleep a little better tonight, and hopefully get on the road to normal again soon.

The other side of things, the nutrition side has been bugging me for a few weeks. Just before France I stopped using the Huel I had been using for meal replacement. On the week or two running up to that time I asked the question openly if people thought the Huel could be contributing towards how I was feeling. Better sleep, more energy, resting HR dropping to an all time low for me (around 37bpm). Not convinced it was that, when I got to the end of the trial bag I had ordered, I didn't get anymore. But shortly after stopping, things took a dive. Coincidence? 
Well, we will find out soon I guess, as today two more bags of Huel arrived (with another free t-shirt). So from Monday I think I will be back on the shakes in the morning, and cleaner eating the rest of the day, and we shall see how things go from there. If things start to improve again I will be shocked and delighted, and of course a Huel customer for life!

For now, it's almost the weekend, the weather is looking great, my bikes are calling, and I can't wait to get some more miles in the sunshine in. Maybe even a ride with a friend, if I can find one! Haha

 

Have a fun and safe weekend all. 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Another day, another dilemma.

It was recently mentioned to me that it might be helpful to look into the realms of ASD with regards to my behaviours, and general mindset, not to mention the symptoms I have commonly discussed on this blog and with others. Fair to say this is not the first time it has been mentioned, and has been the topic of quite a few conversations with certain friends of late. Obviously we know I struggle with anxiety in general. But is that the condition itself, or simply a symptom of a bigger issue? That is the question for today.

Before I dive into that, I wanted to make note here that today in general has been a pretty shitty day. No particular reason, just generally started out on a low, and for a while went deeper and deeper into it.  Snappy, struggling to focus and keep my cool, and VERY irritable. Nothing particularly on my mind, but just had no tolerance for anything at all. Noises especially today have really wound me up.  I had a nice walk in the sun with Ann before work, try and get some of those endorphins flowing, then came home to relax before work. Nope, not happening, just getting wound up tighter. 

After another conversation with another couple of friends, I thought I would re-run an ASD screening test I have done before. Recalling the score, I thought it would be interesting to see where I scored now. As I went through the questions, it is incredible how many things you realise "trigger" you. Reading scenarios, then taking a moment to honestly answer the question. Not the "yeah yeah I am fine", but really being honest with myself. As I said before it is nice to pretend that you can do anything, but "coping" with something is not the same as being able to simply do something. 

Similar to being asked by the GP yesterday if I could go to the shops OK, and first saying "well yes", then realising I shop at off peak times, generally prefer smaller stores, always use self checkout to avoid interaction and so on... So, nope, I CAN go to the shops, but it is NOT easy. So today answering the questions on the assessment I thought I would allow the same thought process to take place. I learned something for sure! I am NOT OK !

By the end of the test, I scored quite highly, well into the "severe" score range, and displayed multiple strong signs of ASD. Then to the "what next" section. Well of course this was done on a private companies website, so there were places to enquire, but also some helpful pointers on who to speak to and where to find help. Like I say, this is not the first time considering ASD, so I have some ideas of what is out there. The wait for the NHS last time I checked was somewhere in the region of two years for assessment. While private clinics such as this one have much shorter waiting lists, but come with a price tag of around £2,000.

So now I am left wondering what to do next. The idea of ASD is not a simple and convenient one for me. But as I have said to others in the past, the more I have learned about it, and the more I look back over my life, the more it would make sense. Will it change anything, not really. I am not looking to "cure" my anxiety as such, not turn my life around. I like who I am, and how I live, label or not. But it would answer some questions I have asked myself, especially about my upbringing and earlier years. It would help me convey to others what I struggle to do, why, and what they can do to help me. And of course it would make me cool.... OK I am lying about that one, but there is nothing wrong with knowing what is going on inside the grey matter.

Like I say, it doesn't change anything fundamentally for me, life goes on. But it helps with the frustrations of life when you struggle being on a busy train, around strangers, or some days just want to be left alone for a bit.  Like today. Not to an extreme, but it has taken me a few hours of being at my desk working to start to feel balanced in any way. The first couple of hours, trying to do quite simple tasks of comparing data fields on documents, focusing on an issue to resolve it, or just typing in a phone number required exhausting amounts of concentration. To a point of "arrrgh I can't do this" and wanting to just call it a day. Moment like that are usually the catalyst to a much bigger and longer episode. But thankfully in the peace and quiet of an office, on my own, I was able to work my way through it, and feel much better in my mind this evening. There is hope! 

Using today as an example, this is what I was trying to touch on yesterday. An anxiety disorder, triggered by stressful situations, being in an uncomfortable environment is one thing. However today was not triggered in any way. I slept OK, and simply woke up feeling like I needed space, fresh air, and some time out. So there probably is more to it than straight forward socially triggered anxiety. And with that in mind, that is why I was so torn about starting the medication straight away, or waiting for some more questions to be answered, and more things to become apparent. If I had started the meds yesterday, one of the side effects is heightened anxiety for a while, and today would simply have been put down to that, and nothing else. 

Instead, I have had the head-space to consider opinions of others. And that is actually quite important. To have the honest and frank opinions of others, as it is so hard to see sometimes how your behaviours actually appear. From time to time I will catch myself acting differently due to how I am feeling, but most of the time it is more likely others can tell you more about your behaviours than you can yourself. So I am very grateful to have such people around me, and encourage anyone who thinks they have something of benefit to say to let me know. No offence will be taken I promise. Unless you are being a bit of a twat, in which case, expect as good as you gave. 

So now with the test results, the comments and opinions of others around me, some of whom are in a very educated position to form such opinions, when I see the doctor next I can raise the question of ASD screening, without feeling like I am clutching at straws, searching for a label, or just trying to find more and more excuses as to why I should continue to work from home.  Where it goes from there, who knows. I am sure there is a long long waiting list, and one which will not be in my favour with work related matters. However at least having had the conversation and been referred for screening, or indeed considering paying to go the private route may help in all walks of life. Time will tell. 

Thanks as always for reading a long ramble, and a special thanks to those who have taken the time to reach out, share their thoughts and opinions, and give me a little bit of hope and direction.

 

Til next time...