lethargic – Snazy

The past couple of weeks now I have felt more and more lethargic in the mornings. Mentally and physically exhausted, and happy to just stay in bed all day of the opportunity were to present. My saving grace here is trying to build a routine for myself. At the moment I am off work sick, so part of my daily routine is missing, however I have managed quite well to substitute that section with cycling. Managing a good ride each day.

In the morning I now find myself forcing myself to get out of bed, then making breakfast and a coffee, plonking myself in front of the TV and waking up slowly, before checking the weather and heading out for a ride. I have purposely scheduled my meds for 9am to make sure I am up and awake by that time, so no long lay ins.

Once out on the bike I take it easy, and plod around, taking in the sights, keeping the brain busy, and getting some fresh air. But that seems to be my limit right now. Actually doing anything purposeful seems impossible at the moment. Focus is gone, attention span nowhere to be found, so trying to achieve anything which requires any of that is pointless and frustrating to try.

I have said before about losing your flow mid sentence, we all do it, but I do it constantly at the moment, and it's the same for my train of thought. A blessing and a curse all at once.

I am due to increase my meds on Monday which will be interesting, and also give an indication of what is causing my lethargy. It could be the meds as numbing my mind has always been an effect of them, or it could be the break in routine that is throwing me into a spin. Either way, right now I will just go with the flow, as the anxiety levels are dropping, sleep is improving, and general state of mind is better.

I can't help but continue to feel that the meds are almost unnecessary, with anxiety levels having reached the point they did due to the speed at which work have dealt with the whole WFH issue. It still bothers me now, wondering what is going to happen, but alas there is still no answer on thay front. A full 10 days after I last spoke to work, not a single email to advise of what is going on. So still the cause of the spiral continues. I just don't get it. Thinking about it makes me anxious, sad, confused and angry all at the same time. As I have said before even a "we need to pass this up the line, hold tight" would be something, but nope!

With the meds increasing, the wait continuing and the anxiety hanging on in there, I think this is going to be a long journey. While I am happy to wait it out, I just hope it won't be too long, as once I reach the point of questioning my own sanity, it becomes a whole different story, and depression starts to creep in fast. It's a cycle for me, and one I would rather avoid. So hopefully I will hear back from work next week.... How many times have I said that now?

I am pleased to say Covid has been and gone now, and I am starting a bounce back physically from that at least. So the cycling is playing a part in helping me at least feel I can recover quickly. An important message for me right now, assuring myself I can bounce back from this episode of anxiety quickly too. Last time around with Covid it lingered for a while, so it's good to have shaken at least one monkey off my back. To be unable to get out on the bike right now would be crippling.

Side note, I am sitting in the front room soaking up some morning sun, while watching the F1 while I write this. To write the above I had the sound on mute, as soon as I turned it back on, my ability to carry on writing dissolved. Focus, I just can't!

Anyway, it's the weekend. Thanks for reading, and here's to a better week for news next week.

PS, I'm off my for my flu jab shortly, if that doesn't knock me for six I will be surprised.

It has been a few days, and as the mood continues to dip, so do the energy levels. Earlier in the week I put the lethargy down to the high temperatures, but as the weather has returned to normal, and my sleep periods extended, the tiredness has really taken a hold. Lack of interest in getting up in the mornings, seemingly slipping towards the "just another half hour" of the days of depression. And even once up, unless I am fully engaged doing something, I quickly feel ready to sleep.

Another thing I have noticed is a long background headache. The past couple of days now, its just there nagging away, threatening to get worse. It's not dehydration, caffeine deficiency or anything like that. As usual my fluid levels are sky high, and my caffeine intake has not differed. It is more like a stress/ tension headache, which just doesn't want to give up.

Speaking of tension, the lower back muscle tightness and pain still doesn't seem to want to ease up in any way, and it spreading into my shoulder and neck. Just feels like I am turning into a big ball of stress right now. Which in some respects is hardly surprising. The discomfort, combined with the tiredness I have been feeling are starting to leave me less and less able to focus on tasks. Instead becoming distracted by either symptoms, or starting to put things together in my head, and worry myself into a deeper state of stress and anxiety.

I have the doctors in a couple of days time, and already that is starting to worry me too. Going over the consultation in my head over and over. What do I say, how do I explain why I think I am feeling this way. Will I sound bone idle and like I am trying to pull a fast one. What is deemed a "disability"? Dare I even utter those words? It just seems such a crass thing to say, when others around me suffer much more in different ways all the time.

In reality, I am hoping I will see a decent doctor, who I will feel comfortable explaining my symptoms and situation to. Hopefully I will be able to discuss the past 15 or so years, and how I have slowly learned what I can and can't do. Periods on medication, total periods of depression and anxiety on record. And somehow get across how different the past two years have really been for me, until now anyway.

In the meantime I am trying to keep up with my exercise, and stay active, to at least get a mental boost that way. But I can't deny being distracted while I exercise now. Morning runs and rides are thwarted with thoughts of "I might not be able to do this soon", which really kills the mood I have to say. Not to mention the back pain too, which kinda makes riding and running that bit more difficult. A 40 odd mile ride yesterday wasn't too bad, and thankfully I managed to lose myself for a bit. But by the end I was truly exhausted. A run this morning, first in a while was uncomfortable to say the least, pressure around the hips and pelvis from the muscle tension made it a bit miserable.

One thing the ride yesterday helped me with though was reminding myself of the difference between mental and physical exhaustion. Are highlighting that what I am feeling at the moment, during a working day is mental exhaustion. My brain absolutely running at full speed, some on day to day work stuff, and the rest seems to be preoccupied and bunged up with worry and overthinking about what is going on, and what lays ahead.

Boy oh boy, I am getting tired just thinking about it all to write this, so I am gonna go and write myself a list to take to the doctors with me on Wed. Part of me is hoping they don't suggest meds right now, but the other part realises that at times like this, I am not great at judging my own state of well-being, and have turned to a doctor for a reason. I think I would like to stay off meds at least until any discussion between my line manager, HR, and the seniors has taken place, but who am I to judge.

Right now I am 99.9% positive it is the news of the return to the office that is the cause of this. Over 15-20 years of mental health issues, there have only been a handful of times I feel I can put my finger on the trigger. It always amused me before when I was asked by doctors, and I had no answer. On this occasion, I am pretty darn sure of it. Now I just have to wait and see what everyones opinions of my thoughts are, and how it is treated.

*sigh* Right, back to the real world. Thanks for reading.

Tag: lethargic

Lethargic, unfocused and headaches.