It's back to work I go...
It has been a while, in fact it feels like an eternity if I am honest, both since working, and writing anything. But lets focus on them one at a time.
I have been off sick from work since mid-way through September, when the anxiety all got too much for me, and my mind went pop. Signed off by the GP immediately, and put onto meds, and into therapy, the past 6 or so weeks have been one heck of a journey. And it's not over yet, far from it. I was late starting the meds due to reluctance to getting back onto a long course of medication for what felt like a short term glitch. However with no sign of the glitch being sorted any time soon, I decided getting on the meds was the right way to go, and thus far it has been the right decision. CBT has helped too, and I am planning an entry about that too, I just have to get my mind to work right to try and make sense of it all.
Getting back to work has always been at the front of my mind, as with previous episodes, work has always offered me a sense of routine, and helped my structure my days even at the worst of times. So it is quite a relief to reach this point. That said, it is not easy!
Right now my brain simply refuses to play ball, mostly because of the medication. Describing its effects to my therapist yesterday I think I hit the nail on the head explaining the difference between my current medicated and non medicated states.
Without meds I have what I would describe as a large Las Vegas style neon sign in my head. This lights up with all sorts of worries, both important and unimportant at the most inopportune times. When I am trying to sleep, it will over power my thoughts and make sure it is the only thing I can think about.
With meds the sign goes out, and we swap the Vegas strip for a casino, and the slot machines. Now, when I try and think about something it is like hitting START or pulling the arm on a fruit machine, the reels start spinning, the icons become and blur and a thousand images / thoughts run through my head every second. Trying to focus on one topic is like trying to pick out the cherrys symbol on all three reels at the same time, impossible!
I hope that makes some sense, as in my head it makes perfect sense.
Usually when in a normal state of mind, without medication, I am able to focus quite well at the job in hand, or stay part of a conversation. However currently I can barely stay focused for one sentence. During my CBT yesterday I kept drifting away during the discussions, and had to ask for things to be repeated as I just could not take in what was being said.
Last weekend a few small packages arrived for my for my office. Three simple monitor stands, comprising of 4 pieces of wood, and a few fittings. To say I felt a massive sense of achievement from putting a couple of them together is an understatement. Staying in the moment for 5 mins, focused enough to look at the instructions, make sense of them and put it all together was fantastic and a real boost for my confidence. Which was perfect timing as a few days later I was returning to work, so at least I was not worried I could not concentrate at all.
I have managed two days now working, and I have to say it is draining. Not as bad as it would have been a week or more ago, but I am VERY aware of how much energy it is taking to keep my head in the game. Again, it feels like I have accomplished something far more than doing a days work.
That brings me to the writing side of things. As a coping mechanism it is great for me, so at times when I am less creative and unable to put too much down in writing, it is a bit of a set back for me. Not being able to get rid of the thoughts that weigh heavily on me takes it toll. So sitting here writing this now feels fantastic, and like I am starting to get a little bit of my sparkle back. But I won't get too carried away just yet. There is a big difference between a little clarity, and feeling better over all.
During the past few weeks, I have so many things I wanted to write, but just not had the thought process to put anything worthwhile together, and after 10 mins of not putting anything in writing, the thoughts are gone again, so a few missed opportunities which will hopefully come back to me at a later date.
I am now staring blankly at the screen again, so think it is best to leave it there for now.
Thanks for reading, thank you to everyone who has lent an ear, chatted on IM and even given me a hug. 🙂