Feeling positive

OK, let's not get carried away, but today feels like a good day. Started out by getting up earlier, with the plan being to contact the GP to get a follow up appointment and discuss my med does, with the view to possibly increasing it. The past couple of weeks have been a little testing to put it nicely, so it got me thinking that maybe I needed an increase. However after getting up this morning and waiting for the GP phone lines to open, I had a think, reasoned with myself and decided that with all the upheaval at the moment, maybe now is the wrong time to just up the meds. Maybe let things settle down a bit first and see how it goes. Returning to work (I will come back to that), the change in weather, the sudden decrease in cycling and time outside, all has an impact on my mental state, and is not a direct reflection of my actual state of anxiety.

I had another CBT session this morning, my 8th so far. Prior to the session, especially yesterday I was talking myself out of doing the session, telling myself I didn't feel I needed it anymore, that I was starting to feel better, and any other reason I could come up with. However speaking to Ann about it, I soon realised that I was actually doing this as an avoidance behaviour, and just kidding myself. Of course I need to keep doing the sessions, and should finish the course, who am I kidding! This morning I was dreading getting started with it, but once in the moment, I soon fell into my happy place, and away I went. I mentioned to the therapist that I had considered dropping out or cancelling the session, and she was pleased that I had told her, and that I recognised my reasoning for it. Look at me, I am learning more and more about myself.

One word that has come up again and again is "control". Along with "structure" they are the two words that define my most basic needs. Not to be controlling, but to have an element of control over what I am doing, where I am going, and who I am with. Knowing who I will be with and what is going on makes life a lot easier for me, especially in new situations and surroundings. I only have to look back at certain events to realise how important those two things are to me, and how things can quickly spiral if I am trying to just be a free spirit.  With this knowledge, and the new skills I am learning with CBT I find myself more willing and able to push the boundaries a little, and to try and change my perception of things, especially before even trying or experiencing them.

As an experiment last week, set by my therapist, I tried to find ways to practice pushing my limits a little, and doing things I felt would make me anxious. One of those was speaking to groups of people, or persons I don't know. I had intended on going for a ride, stopping at an unfamiliar cafe and sitting there to eat for lunch, however the weather had other ideas. Instead I decided on something a little more tame, but still something I have avoided repeatedly. On Sundays I take part in a ride on Zwift (online training platform) which is a social event, and has a Discord channel running at the same time, where participants talk, have a laugh, and generally socialise. The idea of being on such a channel, speaking with strangers etc has long scared the hell out of me, but with no other options to try my experiment I downloaded Discord, and when the ride came around, I jumped on. 

For the first 20-30 mins of the ride I just sat back and listened in to what people were talking about, how they interacted, and tried to decide if I could engage with them without feeling stupid, or causing anyone any upset. When the moment presented itself for me to speak, I took my phone off mute, and spoke. Terrified yet vindicated all in the same moment. Moments later someone else responded, and the conversation begun. Careful to mute myself after speaking each time, I felt like I had taken a huge leap, and was now a part of something. Jumping in from time to time to offer some humour, have an opinion or just be a part of the group. Following the session I felt really positive about it all, and know I would not have done it without the CBT sessions and tools I have gained from them so far.

This week, when the ride came around again, I opened the app at the very start, and made a conscious effort to be more involved. Feeling I was getting to know a few of the people on the call, I felt a little braver, and able to be a little more like my natural "cheeky" self. By the end of the session I was more than happy to speak numerous times. After the session I wrote a little message to the group to thank them for the welcome I had received, and explained that I had been doing an experiment for my therapy. I was surprised and delighted with the response I received from that. I wrote the message because I felt like I needed to explain my actions to others, but with a nudge from a friend, and a little retrospective thinking, I realise this was not necessary. However the response had felt good, so no harm done. 

As you might be able to tell from this entry, I am starting to find my flow again with writing and expressing myself, so am hoping to catch up with a few entries over the coming days, and make some notes for myself, while sharing a bit more about my journey so far. I have booked a few days off work soon to give me some time to level out a bit from the sudden rush of going back to work, and also to settle down with the new normal. 

So I shall leave it there for now, and close by saying that I feel pretty good about myself at the moment, and hope to keep up the momentum. 

Thanks for reading as ever.