Confusion – Snazy

The past few days have been a bit full on to say the least. After a long week of cycling last week, Sunday came around and it was time to complete the 26.2 miles of the Virtual London Marathon. With my head in the clouds and my mood in the gutter it was always going to be challenging. But with the increased lack of activity in my brain (does that even make sense? Increased lack?) it was even harder to make sense of what was going on, let alone stay in the right frame of mind to put myself through the mill to complete the task. Long story short, I did, just about. 18 miles mainly run, the last 8 walked. Got there in the end. Finishing a little deflated with the time, but in the circumstances I am taking it as a win. Six and a half hours. Sub six is the goal if I ever bother again.

Then there is the increase in meds, dose doubled, from Monday, which is a good thing as my brain continues to play games and stress me over nothing. That said, the brain numbness is definitely setting in now. My attention span is non existent, and I have to apologise at the start of conversations in case I tune out mid sentence. The first couple of days with the meds increasing I could feel the wooziness, and the absolute lack of attention and focus I now have. To the point of choosing not to drive. I haven't cycled either, but that is not through lack of want, just lack of useable legs right now! I have however been sleeping a lot better, broken but longer durations. Although the past couple of nights I have struggled to settle at first.

Yesterday was pretty full on. Ann returned to work after being off with her breathing for the past couple of weeks, during and post Covid. However this was short lived as she was back home quickly, and after a chat with 111 the ambulance was on its way. Meanwhile I was preparing for my 3rd CBT session. I subsequently rescheduled that as the ambulance was sure to arrive in the middle of it. Which by the clock, it actually did, so well played me. Back to CBT next week. Ann was whisked away to hospital for further checks, while I went out for a quick walk to clear my head, before heading to the hospital.

On arriving at the hospital and finding Ann in A&E, I received an email from work. It was just a quick catch up, but the content of it was quite good. In short it says "HR agree you should remain WFH". Which is what I really needed to hear, so that is massive and positive. But remember how I said I could turn anything negative, well in a flash... My brain went to, "but for how long", "is this just a play on words", "will me being off sick affect their decision" and many more negative thoughts.
I do however have a catch up meeting on Teams with my boss on Friday, so can address some of my concerns again then. I just need to remember to write them down as I think of them, or I will just forget them in the moment. I really can't remember anything at the moment.

Right now the way my brain is, I can type this as long as I rely on touch typing, and don't try and look at the keyboard. If I do, all the letters and keys float around and I have to chase them to type. It all feels very unpleasant indeed.

Going back to how I am feeling, and how the meds are affecting me, I spoke with the GP again at the start of the week, and it has been agreed that my absence from work should be extended a little while longer, to allow things to settle down in the grey matter, and for me to level out a bit before trying to actually function on a useful level. If I tried to work now, I would probably just stare at the screen and be completely unable to decide what to do next. How can you write a blog in that case I hear some of you ask... Well, first off, badly!
Secondly, this is me focusing just on what is in my head, and using my instincts and muscle memory to hammer it out on a familiar keyboard. I am sure there are typos in here. Hard to explain, but to get these thoughts out of my head is actually beneficial to my well-being, as oppose to working myself up over things with work.
So the extra time off will hopefully allow me to get some fresh air, clear my head, find some balance, and maybe even get some more news from work about how things are progressing.

I am sure there were more things I wanted to say, but as I sit here swaying from side to side trying to recall them, I realise it's time to sign off for now.

Til next time.

As I start to feel the slipping feeling of my mental state, I thought it would be interesting for me to document, for myself, the things I start to notice as time goes by. It starts out simple and slowly becomes more and more unsettling, until doing the most basic of things starts to become impossible.

Loss of focus. This one hits hard especially for working. Dealing with numbers and sequences of characters all day, the ability to read and recall is quite important to me. For example, looking at a phone number on a screen, while dialing it on the phone. Sometimes it's two quick sequences of numbers, but as focus slips, it becomes a collection of two digit numbers, so rather than 12345-67890 it becomes 12-34-56-78-90.. When trying to work quickly, that soon becomes very frustrating, and you get behind on things quickly.

Which brings me onto frustration and franticness (is that even a word). Generally as you start to do something you make little errors along the way, we correct loads of them all the time, without so much as batting an eyelid. But as you start to make more little mistakes, and are more and more aware of them, it soon turns into a frantic spiral of doom. "I can't do this" becomes the mantra, and you begin to give up and doubt yourself.

Being manic comes next, with self doubt, fear of messing up big time, and the desire to just get the hell outta there. It would be simple to just remove yourself from the situation all together, rather than mess up and make yourself look like an idiot, not to mention let everyone down. Some of these situations are so hard to explain to someone who has never felt that way. And I should point out that just because the person is feeling like they are failing, they could in fact be acing it, but are just unable to see that for themselves.

Focus is one I notice almost straight away. Did I mention that.. Oh yes, I did. But here is a different example. Let's call it attentiveness. Trying to be in the moment, spend time with people, listen and be attentive, engage in conversation. It's not that you are distracted by something else. Not even caught in your own thoughts for once, you just simply become vacant. It is not for the lack of want to engage, just simply being unable to. It works both ways too. Being mid sentence and simply losing your place. Which reminds me of something else.

Confusion. Simply trying to make yourself understood, trying to find the right word for a situation, or being able to express yourself properly. Over the past few days I have given up mid sentence while trying to think of the word I wanted. Confusion plus frustration leads to just wanting to run away.

There is so much more to add to this, and I will try a second part tomorrow, but it's late now and I NEED sleep. Hopefully my back will be less painful tomorrow morning and I can get out on the bike for a few hours to clear my head a bit. Phew, feels good to have gotten that off my chest.

Night!