I have been working from home now for...errm... 33 months thereabouts. In that time, since the initial testing the PC would work remotely, then returning to the office, I have only been back to the office once. That was to collect a few things I needed, just to clear out my desk so to speak. In that time a lot has happened, and as some readers of the blog will know, I have realised that working in the office environment has long been a source of anxiety for me, and was affecting my quality of life. Due to Covid and the whole Work From Home thing, I have literally had a news lease of life handed to me, being able to do my job, while not having to go to the office and be around others.
Well, that WAS the case....
Yesterday, logging onto the work computer, username, password, enter.... Wait..... ERROR!
Hmmm, try again, ERROR!
Reading the error it said that "signing in on this credential is not possible, as we cannot access the required domain" In other words, the PC would not connect to my work network. Shit!!!
Thinking it might be an internet connection problem, I tried the alternative internet connections I have. I have a total of five available, so went through them one by one. Nope, nope, nope! Checking with people in the team to see if anyone else had problems, it appeared it was just me. Double damnit. Checking my other PC on the same internet connection all was well, so it wasn't that. Then I remembered, when we started working from home, one or two of the PC's got a little homesick and decided they wanted to be plugged back into the mothership, aka the LAN connection in the office. Once this had been done, they worked fine again.
You know what this means... I was going to have to go to the office. As soon as it became apparent, my anxiety went through the roof. I have spent two years battling to stay at home, I am 99% of the way there to be permanent, once work can commit to writing, but because of my poor PC feeling homesick, I would have to go in. Not how I saw my day going. Having told the team what the situation was, I started to get the bits together that I would need to take into the office, to connect, and check the remote access once there. Grabbing a bag, I spiralled into a blind panic, getting tangled in cables, becoming confused about what I needed to take with me, and could feel my heart pounding.
Now I know some will be thinking, "get a grip", but quite frankly, I have been trying to do that for years now, and prefer the way things work currently, without the need for added stress like this. It is the first time in quite a while that my mind has spun up and instantly out of control, and to feel that way again makes me feel physically sick and panicked. Finally getting myself as together as I could I headed out. As soon as I started the car, I could feel myself almost tingling with anxiety. Immediately wondering who will be there, who will see me, what will they think, what will I say, and so much more.
For the next 30 mins, driving to the office in quite heavy traffic, I kept having to bring my thoughts back to the moment, and stop thinking about what would happen next. South London roads are not the place to lose your concentration. Finally arriving in the area, I needed to find somewhere to park. A lot has changed around there in the past few years, and most roads are permit parking. Falling back to an old faithful space I got parked. Lifting the bag from the footwell, it felt 10x heavier than putting it in the car. Like my mind was trying to prevent me from going through with this. Locking the car and walking away, I could feel my heart racing now, sweaty hands, and a million thoughts rushing through my mind. Getting closer and closer, I just continued to feel worse.
Seeing the building in the distance, I focused on the moment, and tried not to give myself time to think, walking quickly, reaching the door and hitting the buzzer before I could blink. After what seemed an eternity, the door clicked and in I walked. Greeted by a colleague I have not seen for maybe a couple of years, I switched on my game face, and instantly became my work persona. I could feel the switch, and can honestly say I really didn't like who I was being, but its the happy go lucky Michael they all expect, so that is the character I needed to play to get through this. Almost like an imposter, I chatted as I moved through the building, ticking off the social politeness requirements, before scurrying off to the old office and getting sorted.
Walking into the office was a relief. Taking a moment at the door to see that no one was in there, and no other lights were on on the floor, I could breathe for a minute, knowing I was alone. As I stood there in the doorway, I felt a moment of relief, then a wave of familiarity. Not just from being back in the office, a place I have worked for many years, but also familiarity of how draining that whole routine felt every day. Running the gauntlet of the ground floor, walking into the office on the 2nd floor, and wondering which colleagues would be in the office that day, taking a minute between floors to gear myself up, and get my game face on, before becomes fake me for the next six hours.
One good thing that did come from this whole "adventure" was the confirmation of how I feel about the whole workplace environment. This was not walking into a strange place, not meeting strange people, none of the usual things that we are anxious about. I was feeling this way purely in the expectation of the old "normal". Confirming that I am 100% not an office kinda guy. It was not all in my mind, it was not something I had made up in the early months of WFH, this is real, and it makes me feel mentally and physically ill.
OK, I am in! Like a hacker from a movie, it was time to do my thing. Putting my backpack on the desk, and starting to unpack leads, peripherals etc I instantly realised I had screwed up when packing. With everything laid out on the desk, I realised that I didn't have my Wi-Fi dongle, therefore would not be able to test the remote login software to check the VPN connection was available. Great! So at best, I would restore my connection to the work network via a LAN connection, go back home and still not be able to access it. Thankfully I had one thing I could check. While at home with the PC not logging in, I was unable to sign into my work email on my phone. Once I had plugged the PC in and managed to sign in, I again tried my phone and to my relief, it signed in this time. Obviously something was blocking my user access to the network, and plugging in had sorted it.
Seeing all my applications opening without issue, I didn't waste another second. I signed out, powered the PC down, and packed up, opting to leave the building the quiet way this time, bypassing all the other people, and avoiding the need to use my fake face anymore. Stepping out of the building and heading for the car, I felt like I had just pulled off a heist, and almost wanted to break into a sprint. I refrained of course. Getting back to the car, sitting down and taking a moment to settle, I could feel the stress draining from my body, my heart calming down, and felt like I could focus again on the things around me. It felt like an hour long panic attack was finally ending, and I was starting to regain control of my faculties. The drive home seemed so much more relaxed, window down, fresh air (as fresh as it gets around here), and music on. Picturing walking back into my home office and getting settled again.
That was of course until I started wondering if it WOULD sign back onto the network remotely, would it work on my Wi-Fi, could I plug the LAN back in, or would that throw it all out again? Yup, classic over thinker, how to mess yourself up even when everything is well.
I got home, grabbed a drink, and set everything back up again, opting not to use the LAN connection just yet, and see how things worked on Wi-Fi. I am happy to report that it all signed in fine, and I was back working again within two hours of it all going wrong. Quicker than most have managed I will add.
For the rest of the day I felt a little wound up, and more stressed than I have for quite some time. Looking at my HR and measured stress levels for the period they were all elevated. That was from briefly walking through a room of people before escaping to the quiet of a familiar office. The strange and sad part is though, that evening it felt like I had just got home from a whole day in the office. In need to unwind and relax before I could get back to being myself.
It just felt so familiar, and as I said before, confirmed how little I like being in that environment.
Which brings me back to, waiting to hear back from work. Many calls have been missed now, and I still have heard nothing back from HR about the progress of my personal situation. Given that the not knowing caused a spiral and me to be off sick for a period, I was hoping it would be taken more seriously, but alas no.
Anyway, better get on.. Thanks as ever for reading. Normal service has now resumed.