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Tag: social anxiety

Published on Leave a comment on To medicate, or not to medicate….

Not my first rodeo with anti anxiety, anti depressant meds, so that is not an issue as such for me. When the time is right, needs must, and I have no issue with taking such medications to help. But is that time now?

I am getting ahead of myself here, the last thing I said was I was going to speak to the doctors. Well, that appointment has come and gone. Much to my delight the conversation was relaxed and open, and I felt I was able to express myself clearly. More importantly I felt I was listened to throughout, and the doctor understood where I was coming from. Ironically 2 hours before the appointment I received a call from the surgery informing me that the appointment would now be on the phone as the doctor was working from home! Alright for some eh. 

I discussed how I have been anxiety "free" for a long while now, and how Covid times have shown me there is a way to do my job, and be in a good place mentally too. And that even starting to process returning to an office environment has thrown me into a tailspin, and it is affecting me. I said I have always been bad in public spaces, or crowded environments, and do much better alone or in controllable spaces. From there we moved onto the more general aspect of the issue, and the social anxiety.

Her feelings on the matter were two fold. Firstly recognising that this new episode is triggered by the fear of being back in a space I can't control, and that this has until now been avoidable with no impact to my ability to do my job, or work for a living in general. And that secondly she would like to try and improve my general wellbeing in all walks of life, by getting me help for my "anxiety disorder". Her suggestions being using medication to control the anxiety, and counselling to address the social aspect of it, and help me find ways of improving my state of mind in such settings.

We also discussed moving forward with matters at work, and how I can go about addressing my anxiousness about being in an office again. Going back over how things were before Covid, and how I have over the years learned ways to "cope" with the anxiety it caused me, rather than overcome it and feel normal at the end of a working day. Touching on how mentally exhausted I get when in uncomfortable situations. Using all my mental energy to appear and function as "normal", and when the curtain falls, just crashing and being left exhausted, and totally drained. Not to mention feeling edgy and in a foul mood. Repeat that on a daily basis, and the cycle is, wake up OK, interact with partner and friends, go to work, be drained of all your will to live, come home and be an utter arsehole until you go to sleep....Repeat...

Some would say I am not that bad, or too cranky etc, but even that alone takes all my reserves to maintain. Being aware that you are behaving like a bit of an arse is really upsetting. So you are then left with two options. Hide away, or draw on your final reserve of mental strength to at least be likable. It is a really hard one to explain, everything feels so fake. Oh look, its people, slap that smile on, crack a joke or two and reply to "how are you" with a very plastic "yeah yeah good thanks". Rather than, "well to be honest dying inside right now, this is exhausting the shit out of me".

Having spent so many years with multiple personas (not split personality), switching at will to suit the audience, I have become very self aware, and know the second I am starting to be "fake" . And let me tell you, being fake has an energy burn 10x higher than just ticking along being me. To put it in physical terms, as some people only understand those, think of the difference you feel between walking at a nice sedate pace, and running flat out as fast as you can. Heart rate rises, body temp sky rockets, muscles tense, and energy rapidly drains from your body. Now imagine feeling like that, while still just walking along. It would be alarming right? Welcome to my anxiety mind!

So, here we are, post appointment. Diagnosis "Anxiety disorder", treatment, counselling and medication, prognosis hopeful but too soon to tell. I have sent off my referral to the Mental Health service providers locally, and await to hear back with any sort of waiting time, and suggestion of treatment. I have informed my work of the outcome, and await hearing if there is any intervention at this stage, and I have collected my medication from the pharmacy.

The last two are the important factors here. Work, I am sure there is no need for any intervention at this point for a number of reasons. Firstly there is no official 30 day notice period given to return to the office yet. Just the pre-notice notice, if that makes sense. In the meantime we all await to hear if there is a chance of overturning the decision to end WFH. And secondly, at this point the anxiety has not affected my work. While working from home I am still able to function OK, but can honestly say that my focus and concentration has taken a huge hit, as I have touched on before.  If and when work are to do anything, it will be a referral to the Occupational Health service, to assess my ability to carry out my job, and see if they agree with the GP. The GP has said they are more than happy to work with the OH to make sure the best and most suitable arrangements are made, to allow me to work, while managing my well-being. 

The second factor being the medication, and the point of this blog entry. So the deciding factors here are a bit of a mess, hence blogging to try and make sense of it. Bear with me here. 

My need to go down this whole road, to me at least, has been the anxiety triggered by the knowledge of the request to return to the office coming. Until that point I have felt better than I have ever been before. Sure there have been moments of avoidance and struggling with socialising away from work. That is something I have always lived with, and chosen my battles carefully. Risk vs reward so to speak. Is the end goal worth the use of all my mental energy, feeling exhausted and edgy for the next day or two? As you can imagine there are not too many scenarios which warrant that result. The GP wants to tackle this aspect too, so the medication and counselling is to help with all walks of anxious life. OK, great.

Or is it? In general, I don't like being around a lot of people, fake people, talking shit, all in the name of looking good. No thanks, I will stick with the genuine people I actually like, people who know ME and not one of my personas, and that I can actually communicate with, without becoming exhausted. There is no denying that there is social anxiety for me in both settings, but one is far more manageable than the other. Do I feel the anxiety in the calmer setting needs addressing? Maybe! It would be nice to spend more time with people I like in a wider range of settings and environments, but do I want to medicate to do that? THAT is the question here.

The other half of the question, am I happy to medicate, and have to attend counselling to learn coping mechanisms to return to an office, to do a job I have done without fault for the past two and a half years from home? Well............... errm, no, not really! I appreciate I did it from an office before, but that was before WFH was even accepted as possible for my team, and before it necessitated us being at home to do our jobs, to enable the company to keep functioning through Covid. A change I was willing to make for my employer, at very short notice. A change which proved itself to be beneficial to the company on a number of fronts, and one which showed me that my mental health was SO much better away from an office environment. All very accidental. But when you discover a better method by accident, or through circumstances, do you change back because the old normal is the only right way?

If you commute to work by car and the main road you use is closed, and a diversion is set up. If the diversion it turns out it's a quicker route. When the main road opens again, do you go back to your old route? See where I am going with this? There is a new, proven route / work method, why deviate from it for the same of going back to the "good old ways"?

So now, while I wait to hear about the official line on WFH, if any appeal has been successful, or if indeed we will get our 30 days notice to return. Do I start the medication now, to primarily treat the anxiety caused by the news. Tolerate the side effects as the levels build up in my body, and possibly trigger worse anxiety in the short term, and maybe the need to take time off work anyway. Or do I wait for the outcome, and if it us unfavourable, and the notice is given, THEN start the process of taking the medication, at which point I feel it would be more than needed, as my anxiety will blow up? Feel free to share your thoughts.

I know the idea of the meds is to help with my social anxiety too, but right now, I don't want to take meds, and feel like I have been forced into this by matters at work. Which are the primary reason I am in this situation, and had this conversation with my GP in the first place.

Phew, that was a lot to get out of my little head. Thanks for reading. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Double jeopardy !

That paradoxical moment when you realise how anxious you are getting about seeing your GP about your anxiety! Seeking help about a debilitating condition, but feeling almost incapable of having that conversation with the person who can actually help you. In fear of the reaction and response you will get from that person.  You really couldn't make this up. But thankfully it is not the first time feeling this way.

I know good trumps bad here, and that ultimately the doctor is there to help and guide me through this time. They have done it before and can do it again. Having run through this exact scenario at the RCGP many times in aid of helping students learn, you would think I would be well practised. Well in that regard I am, but it doesn't make doing for real any easier. 

There have been a couple of times over the last decade where I have felt that the GP and I didn't connect in the way necessary to build trust. I didn't feel comfortable enough explaining to the GP what I was honestly feeling, started to feel stupid, so popped the cork back in the bottle of emotions. That can really set me back. But fingers crossed this wont be the case today. 

The second part is when the GP asks you what YOU want them to do and help with. When doing this in scenarios, it almost felt stupid to be asked what you wanted. Especially if this was your first time feeling this way, you would not have a clue what you were going through, and what was wrong, let alone what was available to help you. But I get it... Once you understand that they don't all want to force meds or treatments on you, and are asking how you would like to tackle the issue, it makes more sense. If only there were an easier way of going about it. Maybe running options by you, expressing their preference and then asking if you would rather go a different way?

But here I go, already 3 steps ahead of the whole process, and I am not going for another 2 hours! I just want to relax a bit, and stop running doom scenarios, and stressing myself out more. But, if it were that easy, I would not need to see the doctor in the first place eh. 

What I want from today is to create a safety net, if things slip further, to have options and a plan in place. For when my mind can't quite do these things as well anymore. If I really start to spiral, to have considered that meds are the right way to go. If I need to take a time out, and take time off, so be it, and whatever happens after that be prearranged by me in a state of sound mind, so none of the decisions are knee jerk or irrational.

In my head I have thought through and discussed with myself the worst case scenarios re work. I know if it all goes wrong and gets too much, leaving IS an option, and not an irrational one. There is a plan there of what I would do next, how I would get by etc. More importantly though, there is a bigger more hopeful plan in place to not reach that stage. To find a way to move forwards, and not have any dramatic changes. Compromise can be found if both parties are willing. And seeing the GP today is the beginning, and works fine in either scenario.

So I guess what I am saying is, this is a necessary evil that I have to go through, and a conversation I am dreading, but must happen. The only unknown now, for the next 2 hours at least, is which doctor I will see, and what their attitude to mental health is.

If you are reading this after 14.30 on 27/07/22 then I have seen the GP now.

I am sure there will be another entry a bit later on, maybe today, maybe in a few days, depending what state of mind I leave the doctors in. 

Thanks for reading.

Published on Leave a comment on How it all begins.

As I start to feel the slipping feeling of my mental state, I thought it would be interesting for me to document, for myself, the things I start to notice as time goes by. It starts out simple and slowly becomes more and more unsettling, until doing the most basic of things starts to become impossible. 

Loss of focus. This one hits hard especially for working. Dealing with numbers and sequences of characters all day, the ability to read and recall is quite important to me. For example, looking at a phone number on a screen, while dialing it on the phone. Sometimes it's two quick sequences of numbers, but as focus slips, it becomes a collection of two digit numbers, so rather than 12345-67890 it becomes 12-34-56-78-90.. When trying to work quickly, that soon becomes very frustrating, and you get behind on things quickly. 

Which brings me onto frustration and franticness (is that even a word). Generally as you start to do something you make little errors along the way, we correct loads of them all the time, without so much as batting an eyelid. But as you start to make more little mistakes, and are more and more aware of them, it soon turns into a frantic spiral of doom. "I can't do this" becomes the mantra, and you begin to give up and doubt yourself.

 Being manic comes next, with self doubt, fear of messing up big time, and the desire to just get the hell outta there. It would be simple to just remove yourself from the situation all together, rather than mess up and make yourself look like an idiot, not to mention let everyone down. Some of these situations are so hard to explain to someone who has never felt that way. And I should point out that just because the person is feeling like they are failing, they could in fact be acing it, but are just unable to see that for themselves. 

Focus is one I notice almost straight away. Did I mention that.. Oh yes, I did. But here is a different example. Let's call it attentiveness. Trying to be in the moment, spend time with people, listen and be attentive, engage in conversation. It's not that you are distracted by something else. Not even caught in your own thoughts for once, you just simply become vacant. It is not for the lack of want to engage, just simply being unable to. It works both ways too. Being mid sentence and simply losing your place. Which reminds me of something else. 

Confusion. Simply trying to make yourself understood, trying to find the right word for a situation, or being able to express yourself properly. Over the past few days I have given up mid sentence while trying to think of the word I wanted. Confusion plus frustration leads to just wanting to run away. 

There is so much more to add to this, and I will try a second part tomorrow, but it's late now and I NEED sleep. Hopefully my back will be less painful tomorrow morning and I can get out on the bike for a few hours to clear my head a bit. Phew, feels good to have gotten that off my chest. 

 

Night! 

Published on Leave a comment on Self destruction in 3…..2……

I have noticed over the past couple of weeks I have been a bit less enthusiastic about things, exercise and healthy eating in particular. Other things still spike my interest from time to time, but it's dwindling by the day. Having taken a week or so off from exercise etc following my trip to Wales recently, I thought it might be a little slump due to inactivity, and I would swing back into it in no time. However a couple of weeks later, and nope, it's just getting worse. 

Over the past week I have done a half hearted run, body in it, mind disinterested. I did a nice bike ride through town the other day, I enjoyed that a lot, fresh air, open spaces, and things to keep my mind busy. Then the past 2 days I have done a ramp test (ftp power test on the indoor bike trainer) and an indoor effort on AdZ (virtual version of the Alpe du Huez). Both times I pushed hard, but at a certain point my brain just said "that's enough" and turned off the power supply to my legs.

It is almost as if my brain is allowing me to do these things, just til it gets the distraction and satisfaction it needs from the excessive physical exertion, then just says, "ok, that's me done", and suddenly my body says WTF are you doing to me, and cuts me off. 

Now I can say the above with quite good confidence, as I know I have been here before. Running and cycling myself into the ground, to mask what is really going on, and distract myself from it all. It is my coping mechanism for when things are not going right in my head. So I guess it is time to check in with my brain and see what is going on to cause this behaviour.

Also, another reason to jump on sorting it out ASAP is the other side effect. Eating comfort food! Horrible habit, one likely to undo all the good work I have done over the past year, so something I am keen to get control of quickly. Some of the food it to replenish the shed loads of energy I have expelled while flogging myself for my brains entertainment. The rest is just excess, and needs to be sorted out. *he said eating a chocolate pastry twist while writing this.

So, what is wrong? Well, to be honest, I think the whole Work From Home thing is really getting to me right now. Before there is any confusion, by that I mean, the uncertainty of knowing if we will be allowed to continue working from home. I love my own space, the peace and quiet to work in, my own environment, my own equipment choices to work with. In fact there is nothing I dislike about working from home at all! So the thought that it might all end soon is bringing my world crashing down right now. We are due to hear by the start of Sept what is happening next, but there are no clues whatsoever what that plan may be.

I know certain work groups are being called back in to the offices, I know the word "flexible" is being banded around a lot, but I have no idea what that all means for me and my group. I was hoping we were going to hear something this week, but alas, at the time of writing this on Thurs 26th Aug 2021, there is no word.

I have run through the possibilities in my head a thousand times, and continue to do so. True to the definition of madness, doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result. It feels like I am going insane, but the truth is, I am just exhausting my mind with pointless thoughts. It is what it is, and ultimately, I can't really control what the next step is. All I can do is influence any flexibility I may be given, by staying positive, and being a team player. Showing I can do what I do, from where I am now, with no issues. Not that it really needs proving, given its been about 18 months now. 

Previously I have said that whatever the decision, whatever the company decides, I will just knuckle down and get on with it. But if the truth be told, I am not sure I can! The way my mind is right now, I am on the edge, and ready to really start to fall apart. I am far from sitting in the corner of a dark room, rocking back and forth. However my brain is going flat out, 110% and starting to wobble a bit now. My fear here is things getting too out of control, and ending up in the hell hole I have been in before, taking a long time to get my head straight again. To be perfectly frank, if I am told that we are going back to the office in anything like a full time capacity, I am not sure I can now!

I know that sounds a bit arrogant, and might even make me sound like I am trying to control things, but it's just how I feel. If I ask myself honestly if I could work 5 days a week in my old office environment, and function at the level I do currently, my honest answer right now would be no. Not a chance! It feels empowering just saying this out loud, so I am glad I am writing this to share. The only problem is, what difference does it make? Honestly, probably none at all. 

I am not trying to set ultimatums, nor trying to be in full control of what comes next. Instead I am simply recognising my limitations, and setting out a line in the sand for myself, to protect my own sanity and mental health. Simple fact here, I don't like working in my old office environment. I could not put my finger on one single thing that is the problem. The commute is fine, it's not far and I enjoy cycling in. The idea of having to travel, whilst a bit of a bummer is the harsh reality of life. Being away from home, and losing the convenience of being home for contractors or deliveries is a sucker punch, but such is life.

The main thing it comes down to is the office environment. People, personalities, noise, hygiene (that's a huge one !!), and the ability to create an environment that I thrive in. So, pretty much everything that comes from being in a shared office! Not a good start I know. Of course, there are variables to consider, such as capacity.

Depending on the plan of return (if at all) there has been some talk of reduced capacity, and only spending X% of the week in the office. This sadly requires an investment in equipment, which makes it a little less likely in my opinion. However I would add that I would happily put large chunks of my own money in to procure said equipment, if a split office/WFH was decided on. Just thought I would get that in there. I have done so already to make WFH more comfortable, so why stop now. Although I would rather spend the money on making my home office even more comfortable to be honest.

But for now, I wait. We wait! We are all in the same boat, all hoping for what works best for us. And my brain continues to burn itself out, filling itself with negative thoughts, worries of being told to go back to the office, and panicking over what I would do if that happens. Could I cope, would I be better finding another job? Could I ask that I work in my own environment in the office? Is my mental health relevant enough to allow me to have an open discussion about remaining at home? Of course there would be compromises, which I would expect, but is it even valid and relevant? Is it going to be one rule for all. Will other peoples actions affect what happens to me next.... Jeeez I need a lay down here!

So, as you can see, my brain is not having a good time recently. These thoughts are just a 30 second snap shot of what is happening in my head over and over for every waking moment. Of which there seem to be more and more each day, as my ability to sleep dwindles away. Urrgh, mentally exhausted. But unlike when I am punishing myself physically, my brain doesn't cut itself off. Instead it just keeps going until its not functioning properly. Trouble finding the right words in a conversation, struggling to maintain focus on things, drifting away into my own little world mid conversation. Forgetting what I am doing, so many signs that all is not well. But what do I do?

That is my quandary right now, what do I do? 

I guess this is my plan of action for now...

  • Wait and see what happens next, at least until the road ahead is a known thing.
  • Keep a limit on the amount of physical exertion, it's not fixing anything.
  • Watch what I am eating.
  • Get into a healthier routine of sleep and rest
  • Speak to the doctor if things persist
  • Consider my own road ahead, once the company announce theirs. 

The main thing here is recognition of what is happening in my head, and this is it. I know I am struggling a bit right now, and have to be mindful of how I proceed. Not wind myself up with unknowns and things I can't control, but instead focus on what I can control. Consider and plan conversations I can have with people who can play a part in alleviating my struggles. I know what I want to say, just not how to say it. Something along the lines of quite simply "if we are going back to the office, I don't know if I can stay in this role". Sounds SO dramatic when I put it like that, and see it in writing, but the truth is, it's how I feel right now. As I say, what difference that makes, I don't know, but I have to say it, and put it out there for my own sanity. No point bottling it up, or pretending that isn't how I feel.

Oh well, I think I will leave it there for now. Step 1 done, recognising and taking action. Now to see how well I can keep a leash on myself, and resist the calling for more self destruction. 

Thanks for reading 🙂 

PS, I just realised I managed the whole blog entry without saying "anxiety" once. All whilst being full of it!

 

Published on Leave a comment on Man behind the mask.

Yesterday I watched a video about viral video start, and how it changed their lives. One of those stars was Tay Zonday. This was on a Yes Theory video on YouTube, a channel I have really fallen in love with over recent months. Whilst talking about his experience since going viral, he reflected on how he is expected to behave by the public. A certain persona is required, expectations of how he should conduct himself etc. He went on to explain that he is autistic, and in the circles of autism, this behaviour is known as "masking".

Ref this video, time stamp around 20.20
https://youtu.be/7FWwjVHMgEU?t=1220

Bells rang out loud in my head, this is an expression I have used for a long time now when discussing how I feel I should conduct myself around strangers, or people who have preconceived perceptions of who I am.

Before I go on, quick disclaimer. If you have met me, and we have spent a bit of time somewhere, at an event, or in a large gathering, you probably don't know ME. If I have spent a larger amount of time with you, engaging in relaxed conversation, openly expressing myself, and being relaxed, then you probably know me better than most. There are just a small handful of people who know ME.

Tay makes reference to his two personas, his government named, and his public identity known as Tay. The side he chooses to share on his YouTube channel. This is something I am very familiar with, and can probably best explain it by going back in time a little. 

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I was part of a team that ran a popular internet forum (of its day). On the forum, and website I was known as "Snazy", yup, the same name as this blog. Obvious play on my surname, doesn't take much explaining really. As part of this community I would say I was well known, and would be recognised at meet ups, and other social events. When events were arranged, the "popular" people were regularly encouraged to attend, just to  help boost the attendance. This is not an attempt at a humble brag that I was any kind of minor celeb, or better than anyone else. I was just a name at the forefront of an online community.

Regularly before going to any sort of gathering, I would get anxious, talk myself out of going, and find excuses not to go. Only to be talked around, and end up going. Always happy and chipper to people I engaged with, regardless of if I knew them personally, or it was an introduction to someone who used the site that I had never met before. So it slowly became my "Snazy persona". The appearance and behaviour of the person people thought they knew. I never really questioned it, or put much thought into the whole situation. Just sucked it up, and put my game face on when the time came. 

Towards the end of the forums popularity, I started to realise I was actually miserable, and quite unhappy with the whole situation. Sinking deeper and deeper into depression at the time, I started to question why I even behaved this way. Just to meet the expectations of people I had never met before, and probably would not ever again? Just to be popular, although this was not something I thrived in either way. One night, while chatting to a friend, I said I didn't feel anyone knew ME. Sure Snazy was popular, but what about me, who even knew me.  Told I was being silly, I threw down the gauntlet, and said "ask 10 people we both know, what my real name is".

Back then MSN Messenger was the IM platform of choice (told you I was going back!!), so the only thing people could see was your screen name, and your email address. At the time my screen name was always "Snazy The Daddy" with a series of emojis after it, determined by how I felt at the time. My email address was also Snazy related.  Off she went, and started asking, and time after time, no one could tell her my actual name. I think out of the 10, one got it, and that was only my first name. She was shocked, I was unsurprised but at the same time mortified. 

So that is my first realisation of "masking". Becoming a person people expect you to be, or displaying a persona which seems comfortable, and fit in with the surroundings of a social environment. Whilst just under the skin feeling terrified, exhausted and completely overwhelmed.

As life has gone on, I am able to look back and identify event after event in which I have put on a mask, just to get through whatever the situation was. This is not to be confused with putting on a brave face to deal with a sudden and unexpected situation. This is something I am sure we are all accustomed to, a devastating family event, a serious accident, or anything else that requires us to remain composed to get through it. We have all been there, and it is something we as humans generally excel at.

But masking is different. Putting on a mask just to be in a certain everyday setting, be it a busy commute, a work place, or a social gathering. Projecting confidence is the best way to get through situations which make you uncomfortable. Less questions, less stress, on the surface at least. The problem with wearing a mask, is it is exhausting, mentally! In a short space of time, I can go from being fully charged and ready for a day, to exhausted and ready to sleep for the rest of the day. The amount of energy anxiety, and masking it takes out of you is impossible to comprehend unless you have felt it first hand. 

There have been times when I have agreed to engage in some sort of event, and it has taken literally days to get my energy back. Not only does the draining of the energy knock you for six physically, it also has a deep and profound mental cost too. Causing you to want to withdraw from society for a bit, to get yourself back together. Leaving you questioning your decisions, and reluctant to do something like that again.  Personally for me, just being in an unfamiliar place, and not needing to really engage with anyone, can really tire me out fast. A plane journey for example. Lots of eye contact, checkpoints, and reasons to speak to people briefly. The requirement to be polite and approachable really takes its toll.

In conversations over the past 10 or more years, I have referred to wearing a mask, to be a person people think I am, or just as a game face to get through a situation. It is a concept I am familiar with, but hearing Tay speak of it just validated everything I have ever said about it before. It is a relief to know that it is something others identify with, and also sadly battle too. 

Most recently, with the pandemic, and working remotely. Being able to isolate myself from unnecessary, and unwanted interactions, I have been MUCH better. Feeling more in control of my mind, bouncing back with plenty of mental energy, and feeling more positive about the engagements I choose to participate in. This is just one small area of my life obviously, and there have of course been other times when I have been less able to control things. And at those points, it is even more obvious to me how detrimental avoidable encounters are to my mental and physical state. 

I am sure for those who know me, there are those who are now nodding, as it all makes perfect sense to them. Then there are some who are confused and a little bewildered to have not realised all this was going on behind the scenes for all this time. And of course there will be those crying "attention seeker", or other blinkered and selfish comments. There are a few I can guarantee for sure will be saying that!

Either way, I will wrap this up by asking you to take five mins out of your day, and asking yourself, how many of your friends and social circles know YOU? I don't mean every little thing about you, just have an understanding of you as a person, and know what makes you tick. How many of the closest people around you could for example plan a multi event and location day out with you, and get it right? I bet it is less than you think. 

Fact is, within the groups of people who surround us, we have things in common that bind us as a group. Outside of that common ground, people very rarely take the time to find out anything else about you, but instead create a social construct they think you fit into. In reality, one thing in common, could be countered by a whole host of different beliefs, morals, and life preferences. I am not saying this is a terrible thing, it's just human nature, to pretend to feel we know someone, without taking the time to actually try to. 

But, and this is the big bit... Give a little consideration to how much energy goes into being the person you think they are. For some of us, it is simply unsustainable. 

Thanks to Yes Theory, Tay Zonday, and everyone in my life who has taken the time to try to get to know Michael Snasdell, and not just Snazy, the guy they think they know. If you know Snazy, you DON'T know me!

 

PS, Tay, I know this is not exactly the road you were going down with "masking", but it energised me enough to offer my take on it. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on The “New Normal” is coming… (Pt 1)

It has been a long time since I last wrote an entry here, and for the most part I would put that down to the vastly improved state of mind I have had over the past year to 15 months. There have of course been lows, but nothing in comparison to what I would usually go through in my yearly rollercoaster ride of mental state. 

So much has happened in the past year, I really don't know where to start, so in no particular chronological order, I will break it down into pieces, and have a ramble. 

RCGP. I have been working with them again this year, helping medical students better understand the presentation, diagnosis, and treatment of anxiety and depression. It never ceases to amaze me how natural some are with the situation, and show genuine compassion. While others struggle a little, almost suffering from reverse stigma, and feeling uncomfortable about discussing someone elses mental health. It is those I hope to make an impression on the most. This years sessions have been very different, moving to online Teams consultations. Which in itself has taught me a lot about myself, whilst making life a whole lot more comfortable. Mainly because it avoids the commute into town to the RCGP, which in itself is hugely stressful for someone with social anxiety.

Working from home has been a complete game changer for me, I should have started with this really, as it could drag on, but here goes anyway. 

Being quite and introvert and socially anxious person, personal interactions with others can be quite draining. Over the past year or so, I have felt much more alert, and fresh throughout the working day. Not spending mental energy on social things that actually have no impact on my working day, and rather spending the extra energy I find myself with, getting stuck into projects at work. The physical aspect of getting to the office has never been an issue for me, in fact I enjoyed my daily 10 mile each way commute by bike, as it gave me time and space to prepare myself for the shift ahead. The more exhausting part was being in an office, and that was purely mental exhaustion.

That is just the tip of the iceberg for working from home for me. There are SO many pros, and at best a sprinkling of cons. Being able to work whatever hours the day demands is no longer a stress. Getting a call to say there is a sickness, or something is up and I am needed in ASAP, once meant rushing my routine (which is very important to me) and driving into work. This was always the start of a bad day. Now, the same call means walking into my home office and logging in. Be it for 5 mins, or the rest of the day, I am in effect "on call" whenever needed. 

As far as mental wellbeing goes, I can honestly say, in 15-16 months now, I have had one dip. It lasted about a week, I had a lot going on at home too at the time, and at worst it meant a slight lack of focus for me, nothing more. Even through the winter months, which we have effectively had 2 cycles of during WFH now, I have been much better than I can ever recall being in many years gone by. The much expected low simply hasn't arrived. I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever, that working from home has been the key to this massive shift for me. 

Although as I write this, I am more than aware that the end of June is just over a month away. This is the date for the next "checkpoint" for the UK Government, and indeed my employer to consider, and detail the next stages of what is to come for the "new normal". This in itself has probably wobbled me more than anything in the past year or more. The uncertainty of what comes next. Will it be all back to the office, will there be a choice? Flexible working from home and office throughout the week has been mentioned. As has the "choice" of home or office. Personally, for me, home is the best way, and the only way I can stay on this level. 

I know it is expecting way too much, and it is far from a demand. Having worked for the company for over 20 years now, I know how important oversight is for management, and appreciate the trust put in us to work from home, and be trusted to go the best possible job we can. But you cannot ignore the fact that during the pandemic, while it has suited, it has been OK. The idea for certain departments to work from home in the past was simply out of the question, and not a discussion even worth starting. However I think, if the recent events have shown us anything, it is that it IS possible, and the outcome is probably more a more productive, coercive workgroup.

I think it is clear from the paragraphs above, what my feelings are on returning to an office environment. I simply don't want to. I am happy to be checked up on, visited at home, or whatever other measures are required to keep me safe and alone in my home office. Which I have to say is a lot better equipped than my office based desk was. Mainly through buying things at my own expense, but something I am quite happy to do in the longterm. Heck I would even consider a pay freeze for a while, How's that for an offer?

Anyway, enough about working from home, for now at least.

In other areas of life, the fresher state of mind for me has allowed me to look after myself physically too. Cutting out a lot of the junk food, which was mainly whilst in the office at work. Taking the time I would have spent commuting to take better care of myself. Getting back into running has been huge for me. Since Xmas I have gone from doing Couch to 5K, to running a half marathon distance. A distance I have never achieved before, so to day I am feeling good is an understatement. That on top of working out, and still getting as much cycling done as I can, and that all rounds up to another huge tick in the box for this new normal.

I think one of the strangest parts of the whole thing has been the social isolation. Something I crave most of the time, suddenly became something everyone was doing. No longer was it a fight to get personal space, in fact it was insisted upon. It has been quite incredible, and I know that there have been other friends of mine who have found it equally as much of a relief.  That is not to say the isolation for many has not been crippling. 

I am not going to sit here, and selfishly say how great things have been. The pandemic has been horrific on so many levels. Losing loved ones to a cruel virus, being kept apart from those we crave to be with, for long durations, business collapses and so many other horrible effects from it all. The pandemic is not one of those things this generation will ever forget. But on the flip side, some people learned what it is like to feel detached from society, unable to engage, as much as you would love to. A greater understanding has been found of what social anxiety feels like. In this case, afraid to go out in case of catching the virus, but to many like me, the same anxiety is found simply by going out and interacting with others, even when they are perfectly healthy, and of no threat.

OK, my brain is a little fried from this sudden outburst of expression, so I am going to leave it there for now. But will come back to this soon, and carry on my catch up on how things are. 

Thanks as ever for reading.

Take care

Published on Leave a comment on Everything’s a trigger!

Riding home from work one evening this week, something suddenly came to me. A moment of clarity, a rare thing these days! Triggers! What are they, and starts my anxious mind spinning. 

Whilst having a late night Netflix binge at the start of the week, I got watching "Your Mind, Explained". A series of shorts I have to recommend, especially for anyone trying to get to grips with any mental health issues.  One episode in particular resonated with me, surprise, surprise it was the one about Anxiety. In a couple of minutes, with a couple of simple diagrams, the process which causes anxiety to be an issue is explained brilliantly.

To recap, anxiety is a natural feeling, which is why everyone at some point refers to moments of anxiety. From remembering to doing things before leaving home, to triggers which help up make decisions in the blink of an eye (cross or don't cross the road etc), identifying danger, using our past experiences, or things we have learned growing up. Anxiety is a necessary process to keep us safe and functioning. 

The problem arises when that process is used irrationally, albeit unintentionally. There is a time and place for genuine anxiety. Most will know the unwanted kind which tends to pop up when you are in a new environment, or in a situation which could change things for you, exams etc. This is usually a short lived thing, but it triggers all sorts of physical actions. Upset stomach, dry mouth, you know, all those things which you really don't need right there and then. 

For others, these moments are all too frequent, and triggered by what most would deem the most insignificant of events. Getting on a crowded train or bus for example. For me, this can be complete hell, for most it is just an unwanted situation, but one you will get through with little more than a little reluctance. 

As I was taught by Netflix, this is Social Anxiety, and quite simply, it is the feeling of being judged and watched by everyone around you. Fearing that you are not worthy, not wanted, or just don't fit in. Simple eye contact can turn into a fast spinning whirlwind of panic. Of course, eye contact is something 95% of people avoid in confined spaces anyway, which is demonstrated by our love of phones, games consoles, and newspapers when using public transport. Not to mention my two favourites, headphones and sunglasses. 

Then there is the sort of anxiety I noticed on the ride home, and a far more common one for me. Situational anxiety. Have you ever had a confrontation with someone, and found yourself replaying it in your head? The confrontation lasted 30 seconds, a quick exchange of words, and it's over. But for you, in your mind, the next 20-30 mins are spent dwelling on it. Replaying it, rethinking what you could have, or should have said or done? I am guessing at that time period, as for me, it can last a few hours or a few days. I kid you not. Revisiting the situation, going through the whole thing from start to finish, examining what was said by the other party, exploring what could have been meant by every word. Wondering what that person is thinking or saying about you, how could you have handled it differently. Wondering if they are even bothered about it, or simply moved on. 

An exchange on social media last week is a great example of that. And for the few words that were said, their meaning was chewed over for a couple of days at least. With the intentions towards me,  of the person saying them mulled over too. 

Anyway, back to the ride... 

Riding along a quiet road, decent pace, I noticed a few young lads by the side of the road throwing conkers at each other. From about 50-100 metres away I could see what they were doing. Playful, laughing, no aggression.  However as I got closer I started thinking they might throw something at me as I passed. A lone cyclist, quiet road, I mean, why not, that's what kids do, right. 

Now I KNOW this isn't what all kids do, and I know it is completely irrational to assume something would happen, but that is how this mind works. So now I am getting tense. Remember this is all happening within 50-100 metres at about 20mph! Getting closer I can feel my grip on the bars increasing, shoulders tensing, waiting, preparing for something to be thrown my way. 

Will it hit me, will something bounce on the ground near me, will it make me fall off or wobble. Just the one or multiple, if they do, should I stop, should I just shout, maybe just ride on. If I stop or shout, what do I say, do I swear and become immediately aggressive, laugh it off, turn around and confront them. 

If I say something, what if they reply, would it turn physical, 3 onto 1, confronting is a bad idea, but why should they get away with it... And so on.
10 seconds later, I have passed them, stiff as a board, stressed as I can possibly be. Breathing out for the first time since seeing them.... NOTHING! They are still messing about, play fighting among each other, probably didn't even see me pass by. A few deep breaths, the cycle of anxiety broken this time around, and I carry on on my way home. 

Within a minute of this happening, my mind is busy, writing this blog entry in my head. It's a breakthrough! Finally I have a perfect example of how the anxious mind works, and how quickly normality can become hell for some people. Similar cycles pop up repeatedly for the remainder of the ride home, and every ride which has any kind of interaction or even just potential interaction with people along the way.

Now imagine that thought process, almost ever present, ready to leap out at you and start spinning. Any situation is a potential trigger, it just takes the wrong word, look, or environment for it all to start spinning. Shopping, travelling, driving, the list is endless. And the list is very different for different people. 

So finally after almost a week, here I am writing this, hoping that it once again strikes a chord with one or two people out there, and makes some sense of what they are feeling. Or in some cases, makes it easier for others to understand how some peoples minds works. 

Anxiety and avoidance go hand in hand for this exact reason. It is not the fear of the activity or event, not the lack of will to participate. But instead the fear of the unknown, unplanned, unforseen. Being unprepared for a situation which might arise, and the subsequent spiral of thoughts it will induce. 

Meeting a stranger for the first time. I can outwardly appear fine about it. My natural defences will help me fight through the situation with some dark humour, a little laughter and finding a way to speed my way through the encounter. Like a duck in water, on the surface, all seems calm, I am gliding along through the conversation or situation. But below the surface, all hell is breaking loose. Legs kicking like crazy, struggling to stay afloat and present.

While I may glide through a situation with apparent ease. By the end of it I am absolutely exhausted and drained. Needing some me time to recharge, regroup, before I can even contemplate being in a similar situation. The natural ability to fight through a situation can become a serious drain on the mind, and if put in a situation too many times, in too short a period of time, can lead to a complete shutdown. 

This is something I try and avoid putting myself through. So if ever you see me being quiet, doing my own thing, not being too chatty or getting into big conversations, that is more than likely all that is going on with me. The same I would guess would apply to some others too. 

To put it into context, when the average person has a physically exhausting day, it is nice to put your feet up in the evening. When the same person has a long week, it is nice for them to take the weekend to themselves to get their energy back. When you do that for too long without a good enough rest, you become weak, exhausted, and unable to function correctly..

Welcome to my mind.... It is exactly the same, you just can't see the soreness, or massage it away. It just takes time. 

Phew, speaking of exhaustion... For once, it is physical for me, and that is a nice feeling. Doesn't mean I will sleep any better, but it is nice to physically feel recovery once in a while.

Speaking of sleeping, before I go... YOGA!

I blogged about relaxation the other day, with James and his reflexology being one way to recharge. At the moment yoga is my thing. Spending time with yourself, relaxing the mind while working the body hard, all in the privacy of my home, and not moving an inch. The best part being, with no risk of encountering anyone in the process. 30 minutes of a near state of meditation is an amazing thing, and something I am really benefiting from. So if you get a chance, relax, be at one with yourself, and take some time out to relax your mind. 

A few deep breaths here, and I am done.... 

Namaste