So I have just finished watching the Second Chance Podcast interview with Tom Gaymor on YouTube (link below) and can honestly say I am experiencing such a mixture of thoughts and emotions, it's quite strange. It is always amazing to hear other peoples stories in depth, especially when you already have preconceived ideas about them. In Tom's case, I am a long time follower on Twitter, and find a lot of what he says and stands for very relatable. However, on listening to the podcast, my eyes are now open wide with enlightenment and amazement. Life is not a competition, not for a second, however some of the battles Tom has faced put my own into perspective. I am sure Tom would say the same about many other people himself. No two lives are the same, so it is wrong to try and compare, but sometimes you can't help yourself.
Link to the Podcast here.
Second Chance, Tom Gaymor
The first part is about Tom's early days in motorsport, an environment which I imagine is character building, and by his own admission sets a high bar for the other parts of life. Following an accident, Tom begins to struggle with his mental health. Finding things he once considered normal, to know be terrifying challenges. Even the most mundane of situations now creating chaos in his life. I won't go into too much detail, as I would definitely recommend giving it a watch or a listen, but let's just say it is at this point things became very relatable for me.
Control. This is a word that comes up a lot in the interview, and during my recent CBT I realised played a big role in my day to day life too. To be clear, control in the sense of routine, known outcomes, and forward planning, rather than being a controlling personality who wants everything done their way.
I think "control" is a good summary of my requirements of situations. I don't like surprises, I like normal.
As I watched I was writing paragraph after paragraph in my head in response to it all, yet as I sit here writing this my head is empty. Usually for me, my thought process is very repetitive, unable to shake a thought or an idea until I do something with it. Either speak to someone or write it down. But for some strange reason, the conversations I was having internally as I watched, seem to have washed away. Almost as if I was speaking with Tom as part of the interview. I don't know, it's a hard one to explain.
I think the most profound part for me was to hear how immediately debilitating the anxiety was. From the instant it took a hold, normal life becomes a thing of the past, and everything you once took for granted disappears in a flash. Everything feels new, scary, and such a big challenge to overcome. Everyone is different, and we will all struggle with different things. I have no idea what part of the brain decides what will suddenly become problematic, but the common theme seems to be social environment. I have never been particularly social or engaging, in Tom's case he was, however we were both somehow left with a feeling of discomfort around people. Regardless of if you are social or more introvert, not being able to mingle with society for even the most simple of things is crippling. The natural instinct is to hide away from it, to avoid it, but in reality this just makes things worse.
The feeling of not fitting in, isolation or just feeling frantic about what used to be normal should be the alarm bell to get some help and guidance with things, however humans are pretty good at adapting to changes in life. It is not always for the best, but we do it anyway. Once we adapt, we just carry on as normal. And for some this is where the problem can start, not dealing with the underlaying issues can have catastrophic consequences in the long term. For me it was probably a few years before I did anything about my issues. I had just grown familiar with avoidance, and my greatest trick, masking. Masking or acting as Tom put it, is a great defence, building a character front that can appear to be fine. Happy, chatty, engaging, and all the things the world wants you to be. However as soon as you remove yourself from the situation, the exhaustion sets in, and the anxious mind takes over.
Unable to switch off from all the thoughts going through your mind. Playing situations over and over again. All in the past, but IF ONLY you had said something else. No matter how many times you remind yourself that the past is the past and you cannot change anything, it makes no difference.
Or on the flip side, preparing for something that has been planned in advance. Catastrophizing it long before it has happened. Thinking through scenarios, how things might (or might not) play out. Before you even get there you have lived the whole event a hundred times, and are ready to go home.
I was writing notes as the interview went on, highlighting some of the above points that had been discussed, to remind me to include them, when out of the blue Tom mentions writing notes in the same sort of way. OK now it really is getting freakishly relatable. Looking at said notes, it brings me onto the next one I have written down, and the final part I wanted to address. Telling someone.
The first time you connect with someone in the right way, and are able to tell them what you are going through. Your struggles, and how it makes you feel about yourself and sometimes about others. It is such a moment of empowerment, and in some cases it can happen more than once. Depending who you surround yourself with, there will be certain elements which are more relatable, and therefore easier to be open about with different people. I am lucky to have a tight circle of friends, a great support network, and I am proud to say it works both ways. I think that has probably been one of the most important parts of it.
Talking about things should be a dialogue, not a monologue. If you just talk, there is no structure, it becomes a wild ramble (a bit like my blogs at times), and can just be a little empty. Being able to relate to the person you are talking to, even if from a totally different walk of life is key. That is my finding anyway. Having spoken to a number of professionals from counsellors to CBT therapists, if you don't connect, it feels pointless, and becomes a bit of a chore. I have had times where I have had more benefit from a coffee with a friend, than a few sessions with a "professional". I don't mean any offence when I say it like that, but it is true. I am sure other people connect better with some of the pros I have spoken to than I did. But if its the wrong person, it is counterproductive and can actually make matters worse.
For quite a few years I worked with the Royal College of General Practitioners in London, as an expert patient. The idea was to work with medical students, and do role play scenarios. They would do a consultation, and I as the patient would present myself in a way similar to how I would to my GP. They would then diagnose and offer treatment or advice. The one thing I always tried to drive home in the debriefs after each consultation was engagement. Taking the time to connect and engage with the patient. Try and form trust, and help the person feel they were being listened to, understood, and most of all were not alone. For some people the GP or therapist may be the only person they will ever try to speak to about their feelings, and the outcome can be tragic in some cases.
It is all very well saying "talk to someone", but when the reply is "chin up" or "you'll get over it", it is pointless. The same way it can be pointless telling people they should ask how you are twice, once "how are you" and then the "and now how are you really". You will only get asked for help if you are the right person, one they feel comfortable talking to.
It's a fickle thing the mind, and it works in the most mysterious of ways, but one thing anyone who has ever had any sort of battle with anxiety would agree on is you have to want help, before you can start to get back on track.
I will always share my thoughts and experiences, just in the hope that there may be that one person out there who it resonates with, and they can feel less isolated, know they are not the only one who struggles from time to time, and that there is hope. Your new normal may not be the same as what you are used to, but as long as it makes you comfortable within yourself, and content with every day, you are winning.
Right, I am rambling now, so that's me done with this rushed entry.
Thanks again Tom for being one of those people willing to peel back the layers, and share his experiences. It is really heart warming to see and hear.
Honorary mention to Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe and their Parenting Hell podcast, which over the past 12 months or so has really explored mental health and anxiety. I would love it if there was a spin off where mental health was discussed even more. Experiences of the well known, but relatable makes a world of difference.