Sitting here this morning, raining outside, got plans later this afternoon, and I am having an internal debate. Do I jump on the trainer for a bit and have a quick Zwift session, or do I take it easy this morning and enjoy my afternoon. I can always go for a ride or have a Zwift tomorrow... Right?
Then the thoughts and questions start. Am I just having a chilled morning, am I being lazy, or do I have a low mood today? If you apply the same to say running, and asthma. As an asthmatic I am familiar with being seriously short of breath and struggling to breathe. However I am also familiar with pushing hard and feeling a shortness of breath which is simply from over exertion. They are not the same, but having a history with asthma creates a moment of worry about what it is. Does that make sense?
When you have a condition, and are regularly affected by it, any sign of symptoms immediately starts an internal conversation about what could be wrong. So today, rather than just saying "I can't be bothered" and brushing it aside, I then have to worry about why I can't be bothered. Then you start to see other signs which may or may not be there, then the anxiety really kicks in and you are now spiralling.. Over a simple decision.
Fixating on what will come next, is this the start of an episode, how bad will it be, what can I do to stop it... That's it... STOP! Take a breath, step back and look at everything one piece at a time. You have worked hard this week, you are a little bit sore still, you want to enjoy your afternoon with your friend. Its fine, you are fine, you are just being sensible and letting yourself rest, and have some downtime. It's the weekend, it's what it's for.
Welcome to the mindset of an anxious person who also deals with depression. Nothing is simple, nothing is straight forward and thought free. Everything you do is filled with continuous internal dialogue, so the easiest thing to do is nothing. No people, no activities, just NO!
Aaah, that's better. Get the thoughts out of your head, slow the frantic thought process down by writing it down. Hearing it as you say or write it, finding the weaknesses in the argument, and seeing the rational viewpoint. Calming down, breathing easier, heart rate slowing, feeling at peace again.
Having these blogs, written in the moment, gives me the ability to look back at similar thoughts and moments, see how they break down, and what the outcomes are. Be able to see it worked out OK, even when I did take the lazy approach for example. Sometimes the best person to talk to is yourself, just the other you. The calm you, the sensible you, and not the version that catastrophes the simplest of things.
I will leave it there, but hope you enjoyed a simple five minutes in my mind.