I have just penned a draft of a letter to work, making a formal complaint about the way matters relating to my mental health are being handled, and as I read back through it I realised something.
While I was writing it I was trying to find the right words to express my feelings on the matter. Words that carried the right weight, and conveyed the right message. However on reading it back, I could feel the emotion of each word bubbling away inside of me. I was not crafting a strongly worded letter, I was saying how I was feeling.
On the realisation of that, I did a quick assessment of how I am feeling right now, and discovered that I am actually nowhere near as OK as I am trying to show I am. On the surface all is well, the mask is in place, the stuff upper lip holding firm. But below the surface, I can feel myself shrinking away. Becoming more and more affected by being ignored, feeling worthless, and losing all my motivation and energy.
Sure the weather isn't helping much, and not being able to get out and blow off some steam isn't ideal, but as a whole, I feel mentally drained. Something that even shows in my Garmin metrics. Sleep poor, body battery poor, resting HR elevated, stress higher than normal. And all because I can't get my HR to take my seriously and deal with my situation once and for all.
When you think mental health, you should also think urgency. When a situation becomes so dire that the person waiting on a decision needs to start taking medication, alarm bells should start to ring. Once all the facts and reports are in place, it becomes a mere formality to tick some boxes, and make a decision. Such a decision should take a matter of weeks of all parties are available to discuss.
Once that matter spills over into months it becomes out of control, and is either misunderstood, or beyond the remit of the person charged with the responsibility of the decision. That, or a matter of laziness and ignorance to mental health.
When this carries on to a point where it has been almost EIGHT MONTHS since all the details were in place, it becomes something far more serious. Either a calculated attempt to brush the matter aside and hope it goes away. Ignorance is bliss, they will go away if I ignore them long enough. ORa display of complete inability to deal with the matter. Either way it is a complete and utter failure internally by a department to deal with a mental health matter with the urgency and compassion required.
If you are the person on the receiving end of this treatment, depending on the fragility of your state of mind, this could be utterly devastating. For a very vulnerable person to feel ignored, belittled and worthless, this could literally be a matter of life of death. The decision you are waiting on could shape your whole future, will you have a job, can you pay your rent, can you afford to live..... Do you want to live?
Thankfully I am not of the mindset to end my life. However, sadly there have been cases in recent years where colleagues have done just this. Not I might add because of direct failings of HR, but none the less we have had the completely mentally vulnerable working with us, so who is to tell who that next person is, or what will be the straw that pushes them too far?
I am now left gathering myself up, and trying to find some get up and go before I spiral further down into depression and a feeling of self loathing. A feeling I am all to familiar with. This time of year usually sees me flourishing, instead I am curling up, and not even wanting to get out of bed. Hopefully I will hear something soon, but I am growing tired and impatient now, and quite frankly becoming disappointed with myself for being so understanding and patient.