2022 was one heck of a year. A lot happened, I feel I achieved a lot, and grew as a person both physically and mentally. So I go into 2023 on a high, and with a positive state of mind. Wanting to improve on the last year, and feeling I know the direction I want things to go in. Now all I have to do is make them happen.
There have been a few challenges along the way, and one heck of a hiccup resulting in me ending up taking time off sick with anxiety for the first time in a few years, as well as ending up on medication again. That wasn't the plan, but at the end of the day, life doesn't always go to plan.
For me, a new year, is in reality nothing more than another day, another week. Truth be told we put way too much emphasis and pressure on the calendar resetting to Jan 1st, and the year rolling one digit forward. New Years Resolutions, promises to ourselves an others, unrealistic goals and so much more. Nope, it is just another day. But sure, I will play along, it is a great opportunity for a fresh start, to set some goals, and to improve ourselves.
However, regardless of how pure the intentions are, we have to be realistic, and honest with ourselves and others. If your goal is to be fitter, do that, be more active than you were the year before, don't aim to become an adonis by Spring time. If your goal is to treat people you care about better, first up, take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you treat people the way you do in the first place. Maybe they are the wrong people to be around in the first place. But then after that, try pausing to consider the impact of your decisions on the ones you love. How would you feel?
For me, looking back over 2022, especially the thousands of images I captured, I could see what my "goals" were. I use quotes because I don't really subscribe to goals much anymore. A few years back with cycling I realised striving to achieve goals was robbing me of the happiness and genuine moments I was experiencing, trying to reach those goals. So ever since I have aimed at the grin factor, and the happiness things bring me, as well as the mental stability certain things give me. Aiming for something is great, it gives us a direction to head in, a focus. That is all I need in my life.
This year I will turn 50, in about six weeks time in fact, and I can't wait! It's a milestone I once wondered if I would ever reach, then something I feared. However as the years have passed, and I have found my stride, I feel it is something to celebrate (no I am NOT having a party!), rather than cringe about. I am in a happy place in life, a great relationship, a place I understand mentally, and financially I can't complain. I am fit and healthy, which was never something I really saw when I was younger. Someone in their 50's was slowing down, spreading out, and their health was starting to fail. 50 years old for this generation can easily be as plentiful as 30's and 40's.
In the summer I will also get married to Ann, in Key West in Florida. Something I am excited about and looking forward to. Seems fitting that the year I turn 50 and finally start to grow up a bit (mental age of a 15 year old maybe?) I also get married. I think I always imagined myself married at points in my life, but at other times gave little thought to. But it is nice to be going into marriage with a good feeling in my heart about it, and not some youthful, rushed thing domed to fail.
The wedding itself being in Florida means that not many people will be attending, which is a little bit sad in one sense, as there are a handful of people I would love to share such a special day with. But at the same time plays to my happiness too, as the last thing I want on mine and Ann's big day, is to be overwhelmed with anxiety if everything is OK, how many people I will have to interact with, and feeling like there is a whole load of fake around me. This way, we have our moment, in a beautiful place, and after that, when we get back, can pick and choose our times and places to celebrate with smaller groups of people. That sits really well with me, and I hope with Ann too. Discussions would indicate that at least.
With regards to the rest of the year ahead, there are a few things I want to see happen, and will do all I can to help them along their way. There are some plans I have for myself, to keep myself healthy and challenged, and then there are things I am curious about, and may or may not look into further.
I would love Work From Home to become a permanent thing, officially. Signed off by work, approved by the most senior of people, and removal of any doubt or worries about what the future holds for my job. The wheels are in motion, things are happening, but after 6 months since the original decision was made, for us to return to the office, nothing more has really happened. My OH assessment doesn't yet seem to have provoked a response from work, so this Jan I will be working towards, and pushing harder for resolution once and for all.
Going hand in hand with the above, I would like to review and consider my options for medication for both long term uric acid levels for my gout, for which I take Allopurinol, and the meds I am currently on for my anxiety. While just a low dose, I would like to consider if I can be back off meds for aniexty and depression, at least until I feel I need them again, which hopefully won't be for a few years again. This is something I need to speak with the doctors about, and then carefully reduce the dose, while paying close attention to the effect it has. In reality, if the decision is to remain on both, so be it, but I would at least like to see if it is a need or just a precaution.
Also with the doctors I have another decision to make, and one which also requires a bit of discussion both with them, and others around me. Having spent many years with myself and my thoughts. Writing blogs in the moment to read back through later, something kept coming up, especially with the regards to anxiety. I have never really found a cause for my dips in mood, the key to depression or trigger for my anxiety, however I have become more and more aware of what can provoke reactions from me. Working through CBT recently for social anxiety I started to see a pattern appearing.
The GP had referred me for social anxiety based on my preference of working at home, and my dislike for being in busy places. Which fitted fine in the short term. However as the CBT went on, and I challenged myself to push the boundaries a little, I realised it was more than that. It wasn't so much the large groups of people, it was the noise, and the overwhelming impact it had on my senses. Unable to think straight is what causes the anxiety, and from there it spirals fast. Avoiding busy places, or noisy and confusing places is simply me protecting myself from the inevitable reaction that will happen.
Even the relaxation of just sitting in a relatively quiet space, focusing on one thing can be destroyed in seconds by another source of sound. Immediately everything suddenly feels loud and overwhelming. My thoughts blur, my focus disappears, and I begin to catastrophize. From this point there is no going back. If listening to music in public, if there is too much other sound, I have to turn my music off until the clash has passed. Imagine a music room at school, where kids have all just been given drums, triangles, recorders and violines and are trying them out, together, loudly, all at once... That is what happens in my head when senses clash. Visual, and audiable are the worst two for this for me.
Anyway, back to the point. I started to wonder if there was actually a cause to my anxiety after all, which was affecting my life from behind the scenes, leaving me unable to function at times for no apparent reason. OK, I am just gonna say it, Autism!
Something I have never really considered, and to be honest not understood either until the last six months. Looking at some of the details, and understanding that the word "Autism" does not mean non-functioning, not able to be "normal", or anything else as drastic as that. But instead can be as simple as someone who struggles with sensory overload, the symptoms of which can manifest and play out in a multitude of ways.
Looking into ASD screening has been an eye opener for me, and something I am curious about, but as of yet undecided on. I don't want some sort of life changing diagnosis, I don't expect to suddenly feel better. I just want to understand myself and my mind a bit more. I am comfortable avoiding social situations, I am fine with people thinking I am rude. But if I am honest, it would be nice to be able to explain it to myself an others simply, rather than over thinking and then being left to make "excuses" for my decision and behaviour. It's not me, it's YOU!
I will look into this more over Jan and decide from there, but I am VERY curious indeed. So probably will get it done in one way or another.
Finally I come to my physial activities for the year. Having missed a lot of running last year due to injury, I am going to get back into it again. Ease up the load on the bike for a bit, and spread myself out a bit focusing on well-being and not well done's for achievements. 2022 was a huge year for achievements, a marathon, 3 halves, Ride London, the trip up Alpe D'Huez and more. So I have nothing to prove to anyone. I will always be inspired and motivated by the numbers in the sports I love, but fitness first this year. Mental and physical. My physical activities maintain my mental health, so the two go hand in hand as a "goal".
That's about me for now, just wanted to get that all out there as the new year starts.
Whatever your goals and ambitions are, I wish you all well, and thank you for sharing my journey with me.
Thanks for reading, and happy new year.