Yesterday was a turning point for sure, with the appointment with the GP, the chat about meds, and realisation that I am starting to feel crap both physically and mentally. The past couple of days I have had mouth sores, felt tired, and a sudden loss of structure to my days. Not to mention eating lots of junk food.
I write this from a bench by the river, as I have come out for a morning walk. Having spent last night calming my mind by thinking about going for a ride today, my first day being signed off sick. But waking to slightly crap weather, and forecasts of rain in a while.
As I have been walking, I have already convinced myself that the idea of going for a ride is silly now, but will check the weather in a bit and see if that's possible at all.
So many thoughts going through my mind at the moment, flying through at 100mph, without a chance to react. Like walking through a crowded street and just hearing people shouting things, but not having time to digest them. So I thought I would stop mid walk to jot some of them down, so not to forget them later.
Right now, having just started the new medication, it is hard for me to try and get a grip on myself. Not only does it feel like a giant step back, it also leaves me wondering what's coming next. How will they affect me, will any rise in mood be from them or me. So many questions and concerns right now.
The only thing I could think of doing was to use this as a benchmark for myself, log how I feel right now, before any medication has any effect, and then go from there to try and get a sense of what's going on.
Before leaving home I called my boss, as its procedure to speak to a manager. Even though I have sent an email, having received no communication to acknowledge it, I thought it best to make the call. I got voicemail, so left a long message saying I would be off, but really hoped to hear something from them while I am off, and said it might help things if I were to. We shall see on that front eh.
In the meantime, my mood is pretty low, a sense of self loathing creeping in, but I feel in control. Practising my CBT to ward away the crap thoughts. While walking I have noticed I am definitely feeling a lot more anxious about the people around me. Walking along slightly busy streets, trying to make space for myself, but feeling people are magnetically attracted to me, which ever way I go, they go too, walk along a wide pavement and somehow they seem to brush right by me. Sunglasses on on an overcast day, headphones in (listening to Parenting Hell) to block out as much as I can to try and be alone with my thoughts.
Tension in my neck and shoulders has me feeling uncomfortable, and has been a theme of my sleep for the past couple of days. Walking makes my lower back hurt too, so the combo of both is not ideal. But that's another good excuse to stop and write this.
Physically within myself I feel balanced, but have to make a point of not over doing it for the next couple of weeks. Walking, running and cycling are my escapes from my mind, which can sometimes becomes a bit self destructive.
I guess that's its for now, I better carry this walk on. Just feels good to jot all that down, and download it from my head. On to over thinking other things now.
Heres hoping I hear from work, but not holding my breath.
Another entry coming soon for sure. Be patient, there is gonna be a lot of these types of entries for a while.