Tag: health

Laying in isn’t always bad.

April 23, 2025 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

Today I determined that the desire to have a lay in for me is not always a bad sign. For years if I felt the urge to just stay in bed when I woke up, alarm bells started ringing and paranoia would quickly set in. The feeling of doom and gloom would soon overcome the relaxation of just taking a few minutes to enjoy doing nothing.

Having grown used to staying in bed when I was starting to feel depressed or anxious, it became my first sign warning that things were starting to take a turn for the worse. Sure I remember lazy lay-ins when I was younger. Nothing to do that day, and feeling like I wanted to have some physical rest, but those days feel long in the past.

These days if I were to wake up and just want to stay in bed, rather than planning my days activities in my head, I would panic a little, thinking I was at the top of the slippery slope of depression. This is a self taught behaviour, and to be honest, a good one for the main part. Catching the signs early in recent years has led to better outcomes and shorter spells of poor mental health.

Having said that, today when I woke up I knew I didn’t have work, had heard the rain in the night, so knew I didn’t want to immediately go out for a ride or walk. My chest is still yucky so I was definitely not going for a morning run. So with all that in mind, I had no immediate plans. I got up to use the loo, and felt achy as I walked (lots of walking yesterday), so decided to get back in bed for a minute.

I think the difference in how all the information was processed is key here. Having logical reasons to want to remain in a nice warm bed. Not messing around getting dressed, and then trying to get comfy on the sofa. Instead just hopping back into bed and relaxing for a bit. Waking up gently, rather than in a rush, or with an agenda. It actually felt really nice.

Yet here I am at the kitchen table with a coffee and writing this now. The lay in didn’t last too long, maybe 45 mins or so, but that was long enough to tick the “I don’t have to get up yet” box, enjoy a bit of sprawl time in the bed without any stress. Me time!

So now I have a new process when I wake up, and one I have been expanding on for a while now. Wake up but don’t get up, take a minute to adjust and do a systems check. Open eyes slowly and adjust, don’t rush. When I start moving, go slow, I have time. Then a self check, how do I feel physically and mentally, do I need to change my pace?

If all is going well, and all boxes are checked, go about my morning routine. If not, allow time to assess what is wrong, and what I can do to correct things before getting going. If I feel a bit tired mentally or physically, slow down, even stop. WAIT… Let’s get this right!

I have the addition now to check the reasons for wanting to stay in bed “for a little bit longer”. Is it chilly, do I want a snuggle, am I feeling poorly, am I just a bit tired and need to give myself longer to wake up? Or like today, do I just have a free day, feel like pampering myself, and fancy a little bit longer laying in bed with my thoughts?

Writing this, and remembering there is a difference between the feelings of CAN’T get out of bed because of how I feel, and DON’T WANT to get out of bed because I fancy a lay in. Staying in bed is not always a bad thing now, and that is a great feeling and deserved acknowledgement here. THAT is why I got out of bed this morning. A cause and thought finally outweighed the enjoyment and relaxation of being in bed.

Right, I am off to do….. NOTHING today. I saw the doctor yesterday, and even he said take it easy for a bit til this virus passes fully, so that is what I am going to do. Maybe a lazy session on the trainer later at most.

Have a great day all 🙂

Which came first, the spiral or the doubt?

June 4, 2020 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

With so much going on in the world recently, and a somewhat intense 2020 so far, it is easy to lose track of oneself. Usually self help checks keep me on my game, but with time taken on other more pressing matters than my own well-being, it has been a time where I have let things slip. And now I am left wondering just how much has slipped by un-noticed. 

At the start of the year, after getting my head back out of the sand from Xmas and all that comes with that, we moved straight on to the first event of the year being the trip to Svalbard. As I am sure most are aware, Ann (my better half) suffered a somewhat catastrophic accident in the first few days there, resulting in an airlift, a trip to the hospital, emergency flights home, and being operated on and hospitalised within days of arrival back in the UK. The road to recovery is long, and the first month or so of that was very intense. So naturally, and completely unbegrudgingly, I got stuck in, and focused on her recovery.

At the same time, my chest had been bad prior to the trip to Svalbard, so I had not been cycling to work as usual, but instead driving. So on my return to work, and keen to spend as much time at home caring for Ann, I chose to continue to drive to and from work. I have to say by this point I was getting a bit lazy anyway, so it was a great excuse. 

Now cycling for me has always been a good escape, a chance to think, burn calories, and breaaaathe!! So three months in to the year and no cycling, well that’s not good!

Mid to late March, and Covid-19 became a reality, so in a last minute rush, a work from home scheme was set up, so commuting on the bike became unnecessary, so even less opportunity or inclination to ride a bike. It’s not going well at all. Needless to say, we all know how things went from there. UK lockdown, restrictions on activity and being outdoors, as well as an extra nudge from my wonderful introvert mind, and that was me done with going out.

A few attempts have been made along the way. In March just before lockdown I managed one single ride on the new bike in Richmond with Jason, then that was me done with outdoors. So, onto the trainer, and for a few weeks I got stuck in with Zwift, then a few things happened and interest started to fade again. Next up, running. By this point I am more than aware I am gaining weight, eating crap and not doing enough activity to balance not only my mind, but also my body. More weight piling on, and less and less inclination to do anything about it. 

Now here we are in early June. More weight gained, all efforts and activities have completely ceased now, my interest is near rock bottom, but my frustration is through the roof. Once again fat, a noticeable change in my resting heart rate, I feel heavy and slow, and a huge part of me is struggling to get back on my feet. But that tiny powerful little part of my mind won’t let me. Am I making excuses, and I getting too old for this “get fit” shit? 

I will go with the former for the majority of it, it’s just in my head, and I am just making excuses. Sure, I was going to give P90X another go, but by week 4 I was struggling with recovery, starting to skip sessions or part of, and really fighting to find the willpower to push through the discomfort. Partially because I know previously discomfort has led to long term pain, not something I want to repeat right now, especially with restrictions on physical treatments. 

Sleep is suffering, falling asleep in pain and discomfort, and waking the same way, day after day. It’s not how I like living my life, and I am desperate for a change. But without the motivation, and willpower to drive me, I am at a total loss on how to do this. In the past it has been a challenge to myself, prove something great, and achieve something greater. Right now it just seems like too much effort for not enough reward, and my mind just shuts me down as soon as I start thinking about it. 

I don’t want greatness, I don’t want the bulk of the past, I just want to be healthier, and feel it both mentally and physically. 

Deep inside, I know my lack of cycling is not helping at all, in fact it is one of the huge contributors towards how I am feeling right now. But with a “bottom of the pile” feeling, similar to how I felt on the first couple of days of London to Amsterdam, there is bugger all motivating me to get on a bike right now. Sure I have the trainer, but in this case it’s just not the same. I need physical exhaustion to help settle me, but I need air and freedom too. But outside, isn’t where I want to be right now, and people are my kryptonite. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. All that bulk I have put on probably isn’t helping me struggle my fat arse free!

So as I sit here late at night, after an evening of watching Titan Games, making me want to try harder, and overcome my negativity, and watching dream bike builds, hoping to inspire my love and desire to get back on my bike, I am left feeling a little lost.

Am I spiralling here, am I off back down the rabbit hole? Or am I simply just over thinking everything, living in fear of depression, dragged down by all the negativity around at the moment, and just fighting to find my footing. I have the mental power to break free of this, I have done it before, I can do it again. But before I can push, I need to know what I am fighting, who is my enemy here exactly? 

I want to believe, that it is just a serious bout of self doubt, and that I just need to sort my shit out. Overcoming self doubt just needs one good hard push in the right direction, however I have no plan, so no direction at the moment. I have a home gym, I have road bikes, a gravel bike, running shoes. I am literally out of excuses, yet somehow keep finding them.

What I need is a plan, and a good one. Structure, direction, a vague goal, and motivation to keep me going so I can achieve what I want and need to. So now what? What do I do? How do I do this?

I am totally at a loss, and struggling…..Something needs to change!

Royal College of General Practitioners session

December 3, 2018 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

The clock is ticking down on my next session at the Royal College of General Practitioners on Friday, and I have to say the suspense and stress is building. It will be my second rush-hour trip to Central London in the week, which never bodes well with me even at the best of times.

The first session I did was a real eye opener, and while it was fun, it was quite draining too. That was starting from a nice high spot in my mental cycle. This time around I am somewhat lower than I was before, so it will be interesting to see what impact that has. Whatever the cost to me, the important thing is being able to help the students understand the presentation of anxiety and depression.

On the plus side, the whole day is a known thing now, it is not full of surprises and uncertainty, so that will help enormously I am sure. I will just get there nice and early again, missing the majority of the morning rush, and have a little wind down walk before getting started.

I will have to put some thought into the scenario for this time too. I am quite happy with the original, but it is good to mix things up a bit. As much for my sanity as theirs. Really is quite draining mentally, recalling events from your life, and playing them out in a scenario over and over for a day. By the end of the day you are mentally exhausted. I kind of envy the actors who also participate in these events. Surely it is much easier to pretend to suffer with something you don’t already struggle with. Maybe I am wrong, who knows.

Either way, as I say, the main thing is the students come away from it all with a better understanding. I really do want to have more time to answer questions, and help in any way I can. With so much work being done to raise awareness of mental health issues, it is only right to make sure it can be identified and caught nice and early, so help can be given before the issue worsens for the patient.

Which reminds me actually, I have got to read back through my emails, and do a submission to the BMJ as suggested by Niki. It may come to nothing, it may be the beginnings of being able to do something more positive, time will tell. Not like I don’t like writing now is it!

Right, better get my head in gear and thinking cap on, ready for the (next) big day.

Thanks for reading.

PS, students, you can now find all my MH writings on my new website www.snazy.co.uk (if you are not already reading this entry there)