Really struggling today to think straight. Combination of fatigue and just not feeling right upstairs, more the latter I think. Slept badly last night, didn't rest as much as I should have over the weekend, eaten badly, stressed my body any mind over the past couple of days. And to top it off, decided to go for a run this morning, which in retrospect was a silly idea taking into account all the above! But hey, when will I learn.
Really started the day off in a shitty mood, couldn't care less about anything right now, very much an "aaah fuck it" approach to the day. Not sure why my mood has taken such a swing like this, but I can feel it and it sucks hard! Even on the run this morning I kept having little mini stops, and the voices in my head just said "quit, just walk, fuck running!" I pushed back and finished the run, which usually gives me a sense of achievement, and lifts me a bit, but not today.
Instead I am hot, tired, and most of all distracted by my own thoughts. Unable to have much of a thought process, which makes working rather difficult for me. The simple tasks seem fuzzy, the smallest irritation is a massive deal, and my patience is absolutely non existent. Right now, my one desire is to curl up with the dogs in a dark room, have some gentle ambient sounds, and let everything else just dissolve away. No Ann, not you. Even the most simple of tasks turns into a fight for concentration. You know when you walk into the kitchen and forget what you went in for? Well, its the same process for almost any task I start at the moment. Pick up your phone, no idea why. Walk into the hall, forgotten where I am going. Open a window on the PC, now what, how do I do the task I am trying to do?
Hence hiding is preferential.
I have wavered for the past few weeks about my state of mind, and how things have been since the little matter of WFH ending. Up and down is definitely one way of explaining it, but more accurately I would say pretty stable, just with the occasional fall of a huge emotional and mental cliff. It is hard to explain, it is almost like a switch being flipped, for no apparent reason, or so it feels. Maybe its just excessive mental load, that is the only thing I can put it down to.
Lots going on, fingers in all sorts of pies, meanwhile the worry of work rumbles on, and I think all put together it is just causing me to shut off from time to time, to in some way protect myself from dealing with too much in one go. I think it really becomes apparent to me when it starts to affect my "go-to" activities. Saturdays ride felt like far more of a chore than it should have been. Sure it was hot, and I ran out of energy. But the after effects of just wanting to hide for a bit in a dark room were not so much physical than mental.
Same again with running this morning. I know I have felt hot and exhausted before. Reading through notes on previous runs shows that. But what gave in this morning was the mind, not the body. And to me, that sucks. Running and riding are my escapes. When all else goes wrong, I escape with them, but right now, my mind is pushing back, almost as if it wants to fall further and go deeper down the rabbit hole.
My response to all of this, well this is going to be tough for sure. Staying as positive as I can, and trying to remain objective is key. See through the distraction and darkness, and find the positives in all the situation when subconsciously I am trying to quit and shut down. Stay aware of myself and my feelings, and respond in ways which are for my own sake, and not that of others.
The work part, well that is a tougher situation. On normal days it is bad enough to stay objective and deal with issues as they arise. But right now, with my head in a funk, dealing with an absolute shit show of a location, and with the WFH situation looming. Just the idea of logging on is an effort and one that feels counter-intuitive if my own well-being is my main concern. I have my Occupational Health appointment tomorrow afternoon, so will have to write down some notes about what is going on. Otherwise right now, I would just be like a nodding dog, and have nothing constructive to add to the appointment. Which would be bad for me I am sure.
So much to think about right now, the more I write, the more I realise, so I guess at least this is helping (as usual)
I will leave it there, and will start to make my notes for tomorrows appointment. Maybe feeling this way right now is a good thing, as it helps me see clearly how messed up my head is actually getting about all this. Ya think?
Thanks for reading. Here's to things getting better. Have a great week all.