The past week or so I have really been fighting to get to sleep. Once I am asleep I seem to do OK, albeit waking up a little earlier than I would like. But the initial getting off to sleep is hard work. Certainly harder than it has been for a while now. A couple of years back I got a bit like this, and I resorted to going for runs at 1am to clear my head and wear myself out a bit. However that was quite short lived and just seemed to correct itself, so it's return is very much unwelcome.
Now, it would be more than fair to say that I have quite a lot going on at the moment, which could be contributing to a busy mind, awaiting test results on the lump I had removed, unable to train for the past two weeks, an up and coming trip to Florida next weekend (woohoo), oh and of course, I am getting married the weekend after that. So that is quite the mental load to be getting on with. So it is hardly a surprise that my mind can't switch off too easily.
If I break down how I have been feeling recently, it might make a bit more sense. So here goes, as I write it, I expect the fog to clear.
First up, headaches. Not bad ones, just lingering , dull aches. Reluctant to take anything for them as they are so mild, but definitely aware of them. Stress, tension? Maybe. I have taken something for it for now, so lets see. Just usually a good indicator my brain is working overtime, and that I am getting wound up.
Then there is the inability to switch off and get some sleep. Apparently I do some of my best thinking while horizontal, so as soon as I go to bed, my brain really gets going. I can have had a nice relaxing evening, feel totally unwound, and as soon as I am in bed, BOOM! My head becomes a think tank! The worst part about this is, not only does it keep me awake, but I actually wasn't joking when I said I do my best thinking laying in bed. Suddenly it is filled with ideas and solutions to things I have been wondering about. The problem is, I try and stick to the rule of once I am settling, don't get my phone out or anything.
By the morning, the ideas are all gone, with the occasional one coming back to me at a random point in the day. My consideration for the solution, a cheap digital dictaphone. Of course I could grab my phone , but that goes against the grain. I could call out to one of the Google devices to make a note and remind me in the morning, but what if it gets it wrong. Surely £16 for a cheap dictaphone which I can simply press the button, say what I am thinking and leave it there is worth the investment?
In fact, the idea for this blog entry was thought up last night, it was much better the first time it went through my head, honest! So to be able to quickly make some notes about something, from the title to the main content, would help alleviate the frustration no end. Hey, who knows, it might even get me used to hearing my own voice, and encourage me to carry on writing the two books I started years ago.
The other issue with my brain behaving this way, is it is very disruptive for sleep. Over the past week I have become worse again at going to bed at a reasonable time. I think subconsciously I am trying to wear myself out before trying to sleep, but of course that doesn't actually work, and it's not really a thing. Physical fatigue does not equate to getting to sleep quickly. I of all people should know that by now, which is why it is important to identify it here, and do something about it. Tonight I shall go to bed earlier.. And stare at the clock for an hour or so before falling asleep.
Next up for me is my general sense of agitation. I would not say I am irritable as such, no more than normal anyway. However there is an underlaying feeling of being twitchy and easily annoyed. I am not angry or short tempered, but seem to have a sensation of "oh FFS" ever present in my head.
I would say I have no idea why, however I would say there are two very clear reasons why. A lot going on, and my routine is broken.
As I said in the opening, there are a few big things going on right now, the final plans for the trip and wedding are not so much a burden, but a constant thought process in my head. I am very aware I have been to Florida before, but the others have not, so feel somewhat responsible for them having the best time possible. I am a stickler for planning things, and at the moment the plans just feel a little bit loose. It would just be nice to have a basic itinerary to work off, and plan the days according to the weather. Not really something that should be bothering me, but you know when you just want the best, and it eats away at you?
Then there is the wedding, which I am of course really excited about, and can't wait to happen, there is just the small matter of getting to and from Key West from Orlando for the weekend lol. Should be a nice drive, and a fantastic weekend. I just want to make the most of the time we have in the Keys, and tick off as many things as we can. For me other than the getting married part, I want to do some running and riding.
And that brings me neatly back around to exercise. Since the surgery on my arm, I have not been allowed to run, and cycling was strongly advised against. If nothing else the dressings would peel off, not to mention getting sweat in a fresh wound. So after almost 2 weeks of not being able to do my usual morning exercise, be it running or cycling. my mind is getting worn out. Thankfully the stitches come out tomorrow, and with no dressing, so long as the cut has closed nicely, I should be able to run and ride again, and clear my mind. Just in time for the trip.
Time and time again, when I have to take a break from running and cycling I am reminded of how much of an integral part of my life and indeed coping mechanism it all is. So it will be a massive relief to be back in the groove soon.
The final piece of the puzzle, and the elephant in the room is the reduction of meds. In the final week of weaning off them now, and I am down to 25mg one day on, one day off. So absolute minimal, and probably totally ineffective. That said, the timing sucks a little, as without careful consideration I would usually consider this a wobble caused by reducing the meds, and get back on them pronto. So it is important to me to be mindful of all the other things going on right now, and realise they have an impact on the strongest and most level of heads, let alone mine.
As next week starts, and the final countdown to the trip comes around, I will me off the meds totally, and flying solo for the first time in almost a year. Well aware that if I do feel stressed or have disturbed sleep, it will more than likely be "normal" and not me flagging.
Oh, one final thing. Weird dreams!
Not just one or two, loads. My take on it is this is the opposite of what happens when you go ON the meds. Usually your brain seems to let thoughts go a little easier, far less dwelling and fixating on silly things, and after an initial period of a daydream like state, dreams seem to become few and far between.
Now the meds are no more, it feels like my mind is making up for lost time, and going crazy. Almost like it has a backlog of things to process and clear out of the system, and they are all merging into one in the rush. Not a bad thing, just noteworthy.
Right, I am done, I am off to buy a dictaphone lol.
Thanks for reading as ever.