Yesterday I had some assessments at work, just to see how my development is progressing, and to make sure I am doing the job properly. I want to start by saying I am definitely still OK to continue doing my role, there are no issues there.

That said, there were some areas of improvement identified, some of which I was already aware of, and looking to get more guidance on, so there are no surprises for me there. However there were some points made which really made sense, so I shall go into a little more detail on this.

The assessments were carried out by different people, the latter being the assessment where I flagged up more of the areas to develop. In the debrief which followed, so  very honesty and frank conversations were had, and neuro diversity was mentioned more than once. Anyone who has read more than a single blog of mine on here will know this is a phrase I am very familiar with, and a subject I am curious about.

A couple of years ago I identified that there was definitely something going on in my brain which made me think and behave a little differently to some others around me. At the time I was mainly focused on the mental wellbeing issues it created, and the anxiety it stirred up. But as I studied it more I realised there was a much larger impact on my day to day life, as well as my past, than I had ever noticed.

So to sit with someone with some knowledge on the subject and have an open discussion about it, as well as have my behaviour analysed from a third party perspective was a really positive thing for me. I have had many conversations with people I know about this topic, but generally with people who are not necessarily in a position to have an informed opinion on the matter. Being able to step back from a friendship and deliver an honest opinion is not always easy, so this setting was perfect. A manager at work, who knows me in general but has the opportunity to observe and report honestly. A genuine game changer.

I have never for one second thought that I would not be supported at work, it has always been clear that my employers are very aware of different learning styles and personalities, but I have always been a little cautious about approaching the subject. Not through shame or embarrassment, but more from being stubborn and too determined for my own good.

My mindset has always been, develop as far as I can, then if I am still in need ask for help. Looking back at that decision it sounds good to me, but in reality probably isn’t the right way to do things, especially when surrounded by so much support. So I am going to do things differently!

In the debrief observations on my processes were made, and comments made on how it appeared my thought process and work flows had occurred. For me, I am generally totally unaware of how these things work, but to have them broken down, and shown back to me was a game changer. I frequently over think things, and am more than aware of that, and have found ways to slow my mind down, and take control back from these spiralling thoughts.

However I have never taken the time to understand my work flow, and therefore have never had the opportunity to address any issues which may exist  within them.

UNTIL NOW! Having now had the chance to digest what I was told, and what we discussed, I can see that I have areas in which I can develop and grow in. If I can understand and take control over how some of these processes work, that could be beneficial to me both in and outside the workplace, so a win-win!

The first step here is to note down the areas which were identified, and take some time to work through them myself. So I feel I am in control of what happens next. The last thing I want is to become part of a process, rather than going through a process of which I have some input in. Being in control after all is one of my traits, as many will tell you!

Next up is to go through an assessment process to better understand these behaviours, and find a way to adapt so I can be at my best all the time. I think I know myself pretty well now, and as far as mental health goes, I have taken a long time to understand the triggers for episodes of depression and anxiety. That is NOT to say I have full control over these, as I absolutely do not! But I have become better at identifying when things are starting to get rough, and take the necessary action to minimise the impact of said episode.

However I have never taken the time to understand my work flow, or some of the more intricate processes in my life. From doing simple tasks, to carrying out complex activities, I have some very set tendencies, and after yesterday I am definitely more aware of them.

So the assessment process. Well that is a bit of an unknown for me for two reasons. Firstly, the NHS assessment, which I asked for two years ago now, and was recently informed that it had never been submitted. Regardless of the apology and the promise of it being fast tracked and hearing back soon, in the couple of weeks since the email… NOTHING! Not a word. Now I don’t expect it all to be taken care of and done in a matter of weeks, but some further acknowledgement would be nice.

Side note, this reminds me of the time I was sent for an urgent assessment for severe anxiety. I was told to go to the local health centre and go to a certain area. I went in, was directed by reception to a room, and there I sat. The appointment time came and went, and nothing. No one came out, no information about what was going on. Almost 30 mins after the appointment time, someone finally came out of the room and said they were sorry and they had been busy. Right, and popping your head around the door 30 mins ago was too much to ask… I’m here for anxiety FFS!

Anyway, back on track. So I don’t expect miracles from the NHS, however there is another route, and this is through work. Thanks to yesterday and my fabulous colleague taking the time to explain things to me, I have a bit of a better understanding of it all. There is a work provided assessment route, which appears to be a lot quicker than the NHS one. First doing a basic assessment, and then if required doing a more detailed one. The outcome of this is fed back through work and used to identify opportunities to change the approach to learning things, the chance to practise and better understand some processes, and in short, used to better my development, whilst not making me feel like a special needs case, or a burden.  That sounds good to me!

Now I want to take a moment to reflect on my initial reaction to the debrief. Obviously there were scores and marks involved , we all love a tick mark, and I am pretty sure the X’s were not kisses showing love for my answers. Generally I would come away from that feeling deflated. Given there were 2 hour long assessments that day, amongst working my shift, mentally it was quite a draining day. Even more reason to curl up in a ball of self pity. But I didn’t! Immediately after the test I was back working the last part of my shift, awaiting feedback. And once the feedback was delivered, which I might add I stayed late for, I happily got in my car and drove home in horrendous traffic.

My coping mechanism, a voice note, a couple of minutes long, sent to a few close people to me who would understand it. (Sorry Lee, we will laugh about that for years to come 🤣) But looking back, what I was actually doing was a verbal blog entry. Saying things to process them and understand them better. It is just how my brain works, and I am starting to understand that part more too now. It started in turn started conversations which helped me better explore the situation. So all in all a a very good process for me.

I have just realised how many times I have said process in the process of writing this entry lol. But that’s it, that is what it is all about, understanding my processes, and how my brain processes things, and identify the times it is different to that of others. Not to make excuses or exceptions, but more to make adaptations so that the end result can be both on par with others and satisfactory to all.

I am excited to learn how I am different to others. Not quirky behaviours that just make me who I am, but the parts which would help if I understood better, to make me a stronger person, and better at my job.

Probably better to leave this one here for now, rather than say “processes” one more time! Thank you for reading this far, I hope it has made some sense. It did to me writing it, and as usual I walk away from the keyboard understanding myself just a little bit more.