This time of year can be a challenge at the best of time for me, with the darker mornings, the lack of sunshine, and the colder weather arriving. It is often this time of year I start to see a decline in my mental health, and depression comes a-knockin'. However with all that said, every year I try and be more and more mindful of how things are going, and try to document the progression of the feeling. With the clocks having just gone back, and being able to feel the difference at the moment, I thought it would be a good time to take a little look at how I am doing.
Of course, I forgot to mention that we also have a new puppy too, so that adds its own set of unique challenges too. So, join me for a quick look at how things are in my head right now. Where I think they are going, and how I plan to deal with everything on my plate.
But first, a word from my sponsor.. Just kidding!
I just wanted to quickly mention the ASD referral I occasionally talk about. Having spoken to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, and having monitored my Patient Access notes, I see he was correct, and that no referral had been made all those months ago. So he has made the referral himself and I can see from the records that the letter was sent. Now I just have to wait.
So, back to me and my changing state of mind.
The first thing I want to address is the title of the entry. Depression or exhaustion. The only reason this even comes to mind is that I am very aware of how much mental energy a new pup being integrated into an existing doggy household takes. The pack dynamic with the existing two has always been a bit weird, but harmony lives in this house when all is well. And the same can be said for the present, with the introduction of Freyja. She is a bold little thing, much to the annoyance of other female Anya, who has enjoyed being a bully to the boy, Kallik for a long time now. So she is currently being served a large hot portion of her own medicine.
So what has that got to do with the title you might ask. Well, the energy it is taking to keep things ticking over is notable. I can feel the impact it is having on my mental energy levels, not to mention impact on sleep etc. Which all comes together to create the drop in energy levels I am feeling. It's not that it is too much, nor that I can't cope. Quite the opposite, it is a welcome disruption to my routine, and one that challenges me to adapt rather than rinse and repeat the daily routine.
At this point reading back, I can already see the results of mindfulness sessions on the Calm app lol. Seeking positivity in adversity! I joke but the app has been amazing for me. I will come back to that.
So the introduction of the new routine has basically shown me that I can feel exhausted, wiped out, and mentally drained for reasons other than depression. The desire to stay in bed when it is dark and cold outside is normal for this time of year, and that not every change in physical and mental energy levels is a mental health issue. I am sure if I looked back over the years of entries I would see that this time of year I take a dive. I don't even need to look to see that I have historically struggled a bit more this time of year, been back on meds, and off work with depression etc. I know it all to be true.
The difference here is the level of self awareness. As I have this challenge of a new pup (I keep saying I, I mean us, me and my wife. We are in this puppy adventure together), I am more than aware of what is draining me. Normally I would feel like things were on a decline and I was about to spiral down, down, down. But this time I feel I have control a bit more. I know I am tired, so I am making a conscious effort to give myself more time and space, accept a lower level of energy, and not to convince myself this is an episode, and accept it for what it is. A seasonal change with challenges.
The reason for the title should be becoming clearer now. This is my realisation that there are more reasons than depression to feel exhausted in every way. Sure the season plays a role, but so do other external factors, and for me it is important to differentiate between the causes. One of the biggest issues I, and I am sure many others face is the feeling of impending doom, and the subsequent self destruction behaviours which ensure we go down that road, and reinforce our beliefs that we are doomed.
I have said this before I know, but being self aware enough to catch yourself before you throw yourself into the perpetual spiral of doom and depression is really important. Today is one of those days for me. Laying in bed this morning, awake earlier than usual due to the puppy, I was aware of how nice it felt to be curled up under a warm duvet. I could hear the rain outside and knew there was no running, dog walking or cycling happening today, so why bother to get up yet.
Then the reasons hit me, I want some breakfast, I deserve a lazy few days / week and a bit of a rest, and quite frankly that if I stayed in bed much longer I would start to ache. So here I am in a moment of realisation, writing this to make sure I don't forget, and others too can see, it's not always depression.
I can also see where the average person on the street feels like there is something wrong, and ends up with a diagnosis of depression. That diagnosis soon turns into depression and anxiety as they start to question their ability to function, and on it goes.
OK, so I have established that this is not depression. In general I feel positive, upbeat, and have drive to do things when the opportunity presents itself. Can I go for a long walk or ride right now. Well, no.... There is a new puppy in the house who needs keeping an eye on (not obsessively, just frequently), and the weather is shite, so I will give myself a pass on that one. Could I do something indoors in the gym? Probably yes, but if I am honest, I am just being lazy right now, and rightly so too, so ner! Plus as I write this my nose has just started streaming, so I think this break in exercise and routine is the usual trigger for my body to have a meltdown and fall apart for a bit. But am I depressed, or on the road to it? Nope, I don't believe I am.
It is worth me taking a moment to mention puppy life. It has been a long time since I had a young pup, and in addition to that it has been equally as long since I introduced a pup into the home with an established dog. Oh how quickly you forget the implications of this. It has only been a few days, and already I am starting to remember how unsettled things can become. But also at the same time I can recall how wonderful things are when harmony arrives. So there is hope and and endgame.
With all that said and done, Leanne and Natalie you have sooo much respect from me for the journey you have both been on with your litters. Having a whole litter of pups, from their most needy moments, to their most disruptive. On the go 24/7, mixed in with having an existing pack of Malamutes in the house too. Words cannot express how in awe of you I am right now. The fact you are still both functioning, bothering to get dressed in the morning, and even entertaining having people over to make a fuss of the dogs.... WOW !
But, the fact that you are doing all of the above shows you are maybe stronger than you give yourself credit for, and that you have the grit and determination to do what you set your mind to. Regardless of the obstacles that life regularly throws in your way, you are bigger and better than it all. So give yourself a massive pat on the back, and hug from me, because I think you are fuckin' awesome!
Before I go, an honourable mention to Calm, the app.
I am sure most people have heard of it, many have snubbed it or make light of it, some have possibly looked then seen the price and said no thanks!
Well, there is no price for good mental health, if you ever venture down Struggle Lane, or Anxiety Drive, you will realise that as good as meds and short counselling sessions are, there is only one way not to get lost down one of those roads again, and that is with constant self awareness, and well-being. Mindfulness can play a huge role in this, reminding you to check in with yourself, cut yourself some slack (just as I did above) and take things for what they are, not what you could make it if you worry hard enough.
I started using Calm a couple of months back, while I was in a good, strong place mentally, and found a new routine with it. One session a day minimum, and using it throughout the day if I felt myself getting wound up. Again, self-awareness, and being able to feel when you are slipping a bit plays a part. Mindfulness is almost the polar opposite of depression. A positive spiral. The more you use it, the more aware you become. The more aware you become, the more you use the app as self help to avoid the opposite.
There are short sessions of daily wisdom, reflection, meditation, even yoga. By short I mean short. Anywhere from a few minutes, to extended meditation sessions. Yes, I said it, meditation. No, not chanting, and sitting in the lotus position while dressed in a sheet, and levitating. Just relaxed sitting or laying, checking in with yourself, and being self-aware. Feeling your breathing and heartbeat, and learning to let things pass on by without conflict. I know it sounds goofy, but trust me, after a week or two of it being part of the routine, it feels good. I often find myself smiling as I listen to a wisdom session. Recognising and realising how relevant it is to me, and how daft some of my actions and reactions can be at times.
It is amazing the difference three deep breaths can make, and even more amazing what a 10 min session can do for how you feel. Try it, I dare you!
Anyway, enough rambling, I have dogs to see to. I joke, I am so relaxed they are all asleep at my feet right now.
Thanks for reading, and please take a moment to take care of yourselves. This is a challenging time of year, don't struggle alone, there is always someone ready to listen.