Just a quick update from Snaz Central. 

Had a quick chat with my line manager this evening and was told that they are happy with my progress since our last chat, and things are improving. I have to say this reflects my feelings too. Over the past week or so I have tried to slow things down a bit and be methodical about my approach to things, which seems to have had the desired effect.

On the downside, it appears a bug has finally gotten hold of me and I have a sniffle, which is poor timing as I am about to have a little bit of leave for the first time since August ’24. But that is always the way isn’t it. Just as you think you are about to unwind and relax and take some much deserved and needed downtime, health catches up with you.

Fingers crossed it is gone in a day or two and I can carry on as normal. The next few days look interesting for weather, and are my last chance to get anything active done until I start recovering from my little dental surgery, so hopefully I can make the most of things and take a breather.

Anyway, like I say, tiny update, nothing much more to say other than I am in a good place, happy with life and myself. Hope it is the same for you. 

That is how I am starting 2025. Non conformist, following no rules, setting no goals, and definitely trying not to give myself a hard time about anything. This time of year SO many people are caught up in the “new year new me” movement. Vowing to make all kinds of changes to their lives. Unfortunately a lot of these goals we set ourselves are either impossible to achieve, or way out of our control. So instead of setting ourselves up for success, we take the first step down the road of certain failure.

If I have learned anything over the years, it is “life is 10% what we do and 90% luck”. Maybe not quite as drastic as that, but the desire to do something is one thing. Having the means and opportunity to, is something else. That is not to say, don’t have ambition, don’t set goals, don’t dream of success. Of course you should have aspirations in life. Just keep them realistic, and don’t be too hard on yourself if things don’t go to plan.

For me, last year was fantastic, horrific, terrifying and exciting just to name a few of the feelings I felt. Jan we were warned of redundancy, March it was confirmed, May we were let go. June I was accepted into the Brigade, August I started training, Oct I passed out and Nov I went solo.

During that time I lost weight, gained weight, trained hard, ran a record distance, didn’t cycle enough, put on too much weight, felt a bit crap for it. Learned new sleeping patterns, survived on 5 hours a night, then rediscovered sleeping for 9-10 hours. Fought off germs, maintained strong mental health.

2024 also saw me reassess friendships and acquaintances, recalibrating my focus to pay more attention to those who I have reciprocal relationships with, and distance myself from one-way relationships. I made some great new friends starting my new job at the Brigade, and while focused on my own personal development, realised I expended too much energy on others.

I really do feel a much stronger person starting 2025, certainly compared to how I went into 2024. I know what I want, I have focus, intention, and drive to achieve. I have no goals as such, just things I would like to achieve if at all possible. The journey starts mid Jan with the surgery, that alone will start a chain reaction of changes in my life, hopefully all for the better.

I am mindful that I want to get out on the bike more this year, purely because I know how positive it is for my mental health. Speaking of mental health, I am set to do a course this Jan to become a Mental Health First Aider. Something that I have wanted to do for a while now, but find myself in a fortunate position and the right mindset to do finally.

In short, this year is about me! Making myself stronger mentally and physically, making myself available for others who need some support, and just need some guidance to make life better for themselves. I want to do so much, but at the same time know life has its limitations, so I am going to keep it real. A little list in my head of things I want to do, which will change as time passes. But nothing I would commit to paper or the blog.

Have fun, be healthy, be authentic, care and share. That is about the sum of my goals for 2025. How about you?

Thanks for reading, and here’s to this year being the year of the least “low mood” entries for me on here ever.

It has been a while since I have even considered my anxiety levels, so I thought I would have a sit down with them this morning before work and see how they are doing.

It turns out, surprisingly, with everything that is going on both in my life and my head, not to mention my body, things are actually looking good.

I’m sleeping relatively well, don’t find myself dwelling on things too much, unless it’s something  major, and in general my mind feels quite stable. Especially when looking back over recent years, even a year ago I was in a terrible place.

Now I am in a much higher pressured environment, fighting to learn as much as I can, perform the best I can, while still being able to function and do my job, yet I feel delightfully relaxed.

That’s not to say I don’t feel pressure from the job, of course I do, if I didn’t something would be wrong. However I am delighted to say I feel normal levels of stress and anxiety. Not crippling ones. A phrase I didn’t think I would be saying.

So this is what the stress and anxiety of normal life feels like eh? And to think some people feel that their life is a continual punishment with these meagre levels of stress. But I am not going to knock it, it is all relative and we can only react to what we know.

Some people see massive pressure from life as being totally normal, and I am sure some have looked at what I have been through and wondered what all the fuss was about. So I will take the grown up stance and say “it’s all relative”. If you don’t know any different, why would it not be the worst feeling ever.

OK, I will keep this short, but in general, I feel good. I feel a bit run down and have mouth ulcers, I am about to have massive dental work done, soon I won’t be able to eat solid food for ages, but on the plus side I am about to have some time off work at last. So it’s all good.

New year, new me…. Just around the corner.

Normally words that would fill me with fear coming from a manager, let alone two, but today it was reassuring.

As I have mentioned there have been little niggling things that have been eating away  at me day to day. Getting myself wound up about them, and feeling like it is holding me back and making me second guess myself too much.

It’s no secret, and the managers have been aware of it too, sometimes having to point stuff out, in the nicest possible way. What I had not realised was, how visible my frustration was. Which again is actually a good thing in this situation.

There is making a mistake, and acknowledging it, then there is making a mistake and having no idea it happened, let alone what you did wrong. Showing my frustration inadvertently also displays passion, and the desire to get it right. So long as you have that, along with the correct information to make adjustments, and also the right team, you are on the right path.

Thankfully for me I have all of the above, and feel like I am going in the right direction. Support, encouragement, and knowledge is all I need to sort out the niggles and become the best I can be at my job. With so much collective support and knowledge around me, I am in the best place possible to thrive and achieve.

Taking reassurances from management today that they feel I have what it takes, and they believe in me. Not to mention that they feel I have integrated well into the watch. I can come away from the meeting feeling good about myself, minus the points for the bits I’m struggling with a bit at tle moment. But all round it’s looking good.

Each time I write an entry I have to remind myself how short a time it has been, and how new to this I am. Each day I learn new things, experience different situations, and become better equipped to deal with what comes next. So tonight I go to bed after a meeting with seniors feeling strangely good about myself. Here’s to the future.

There, I said it, and I think I am right about it too. Right about thinking it, not right about actually feeling that way. It seems any time I am spoken to about something, given a nudge or bit of advice, it feels like the biggest telling off in the world. I would say I feel like I am back at school and getting told off in front of the class, but firstly I was never told off at school, and secondly it is hardly a public flogging. 

It is always done discreetly, and with respect. Never harshly, never in a non professional way, but the words echo around inside my head for hours after, and every action I take seems to be over-thought. As I said in my previous post moments ago, for some reason the echo of the words of advice stamp all over anything else going on in my head. 

What I need to take into account is I am still learning, it is still early days, and I have only scratched the surface of the things I can expect to come across. My level of experience is barely “beginner”, yet for some reason I expect myself to have all the knowledge under the sun, and hold myself to a much higher standard than I think anyone else is actually doing. But I think if this blog has shown, it is a behaviour I excel at. 

Interestingly as I am writing this, something has just come up in the room that has everyone querying it. Which is one of those things that for some reason helps, and centres me a bit, making me realise regardless of the level of experience in this place, there is always something that comes up that stops everyone in their tracks. Turns out we are all human after all, and I guess I am not the only one that feels this way at times.

If I was NOT feeling this way I guess it would be more of an issue. I think the bit that really bothers me the most is the repetitiveness of it. I am going to put it down to muscle memory from training, and the fact that not all scenarios can be recreated in training, and the way I practised over 12 weeks is the way I keep doing it at the moment.  The best thing I can think of doing is trying to retrain my brain by being methodical about it until the right way becomes the muscle memory.

A little self compassion, and a touch of slack for a while is what is needed here, and that way hopefully I can stop overloading myself with self doubt. Hopefully that in turn will lead to me giving myself the credit I deserve where appropriate. 

Right, I am done with beating myself up, for tonight at least. 

And it still is really, but it seems the highest high gives me a smile yet the tiniest low gives me a wobble that just keeps going.

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least, but have to say it brought the most amazing feeling of belonging and cohesiveness possible. As things unfolded everyone in the team pulled together and made the biggest of things seem like a breeze. Familiarity with certain things helped, and a little experience made sure things flowed seemlessly.

I came home from work yesterday beaming and feeling like I had done good things and made a positive difference during my day. While that might seem like I should have been on an amazing high, it was not the case.

I say that but as I do, I realise that might not be the truth. Here I go contradicting myself. OK truth is in the moment it did feel quite far along the feelgood scale. However…

Why is it the slightest negative which should barely register feels so shitty and bad. Totally wiping out the positive feeling.

Bear with me while I work my way through this, it’s as confusing to me as it is to you reading it.

I guess what I am saying is the the highest high becomes so insignificant compared to the slightest low. When I say I like that I realise that I am just stating the obvious and this applies to all situations and moods in life. The smallest negative thing can take the wind out of the best of celebrations.

I am writing this to try and work through the mood and get back on my feet. Why do these little moments keep me rattled so long? It is SO frustrating. What I need to do is change my muscle memory, and try to eradicate these moments I have, then I won’t have to work through them, simple eh!

The feeling I have been waiting for for a while now, and it has finally arrived. Sitting at the desk, taking calls, making calls and speaking to staff is all starting to feel a lot more normal. Far less fear and peril of the unknown, and now just more like curious of what the day will bring.

I am starting to feel far more confident about things, and how the room works, dealing with processes and working things through from start to finish. That is not to say that I am not faced with “what the heck” moments each shift. I don’t think that day ever arrives to be fair, but those with more experience are far less surprised at some of the calls than a newbie like me.

I guess the main thing here is experience and repetition of calls and processes. Just like in training, the more time you do something, the more natural it feels, and muscle memory plays a big part in all of that.

I cannot start to explain how good it is to finally feel that I can do this. I know I have flip-flopped from positive to negative, but hopefully I have flopped for the last time. From here on in I will read back here if I have another flippidy flip and reassure myself that I CAN do this, and any doubt should be put aside.

Like I say, every day there is something that teaches me something new, a new way of doing something, or a role that we carry out that I would never have even considered. Not to mention the sheer number of repeat calls of various types.

I am starting to realise that this is a really boring entry, but I needed to make note of this moment so I stop beating myself up over low moments.

All that said, I still get nervous at the start of each tour, and again at the start of each shift, but I am kinda happy about that as it’s keeping me humble and grounded. I actually don’t want to start to take things for granted. For now the excitement of it all keeps me on my toes.

Right, that’s it, boring entry over!

OK I don’t feel quite that bad, but after a couple of wobbles and minor harmless rookie errors I am slipping back into a slump of self doubt. Reassured by my fantastic team, I bounce back each time having learned from my mistakes, but it doesn’t help with the feeling of not belonging that washes over me from time to time. 

Early days in training that feeling was normal, and something I expected to feel after being in my old job for so long, but I was sure I had started to shake that. Apparently that is NOT the case. Even now, the radio cues up, I press the necessary buttons and take a breath to speak, then for a moment think “that the fuck am I doing”, then my eyes dart all over the place checking and double checking I have done all the required things before I start talking. 

Now the thing to note here is its is NOT a race, and nothing is meant to be rushed. Methodical and deliberate is the way, not frantic and carefree. So taking a moment to double check things is normal and the right way to do it. But for me, looking over things and double checking means I am doubting myself, and it doesn’t feel right. 

As I am writing this I am realising that I am actually doing exactly what I am meant to be doing, and I am not doing anything wrong at all, but I just can’t get my head around doing things that way. I know in time it will become the norm, and I will feel more comfortable with the process, but for now I am very conscious of it all. 

I think combining the little mistakes, and the double checking everything culminates in my mind as getting things wrong and not being able to cope. It is only natural to be self critical, especially in a role of responsibility such as this. In fact I would go so far as to say that it is a positive to remain aware of my actions, and while feeling like it is a weakness at the moment, I consider it a strength moving forwards. A balance needs to be found, and I think that comes in time.

Now for a reality check…
Every shift I spend eight to 12 hours speaking to the public, offering advice, sending help to people, sometimes  on the worst day of their life. Speak and work in conjunction with other agencies to make sure the public and employees of the organisations are provided for and kept safe in their roles. I give it my all, I ask questions when unsure, and work with an amazing team of people who support me in my development and role day to day. 

I am doing a job I always dreamed of doing, and still chuckle when I drive in through the gates for each shift. Seeing the organisational emblem on the entry way to the building makes me genuinely proud to have achieved what I have, and smile knowing that the start of the year had me so uncertain, but now I feel like I am on an amazing journey. 

I am paid well for what I do, the conditions I work in are fantastic, and the people I work with are amazing, what more could I want? All I have to do now is improve every day, becomes the best I can be at my job, and love every minute of it.

Oh and the other thing I have to do is take a break. I am more than aware I have been working since early Aug and really could do with some time off now to let everything settle a bit and my brain calm down for a couple of weeks. I can’t wait for that time off now, but until then, I am ready to go on the next big challenge. 

Who knew it! Who would have thought a year ago that I would go to a work Xmas do and come away having enjoyed myself? Certainly not me, but guess what, I DID IT !!

When I was reaching the end of training, and was told what watch I was going onto, I was invited to the watch Xmas do. Now for background I have declined EVERY work do, for any occasion for probably the last 15-20 years. I am NOT kidding! So I had a decision to make, give it a go, or go by past experiences and just politely decline. From the first paragraph I am guessing you have already worked out which way it went.

Getting the information on the plan it already sounded fun, and from what I knew of the people I was going to be working with, I had a strong belief that I could actually enjoy myself on an afternoon / evening out, so I went with it.  Date in the diary, not much more thought about it to catastrophise about it all. After passing out, the tours have flown by and before I knew it, it was time. To give myself half a chance at having the mental energy to get through the evening I decided on a nice restful day building up to it.

SO…. Imagine my excitement when Jason asked me if I fancied meeting him in town that morning for a coffee and a drone flight. Not wanting to miss out on a fun morning I of course went with the flow and hopped on a train into town. This was knowing that later that afternoon I would be back on the trains heading in to quiet old Camden Town for the first part of the Xmas do, then back on more trains to get to SE1 for the food and drinks part.

After getting home from the mornings adventure, I had time to get changed quickly, get myself ready and hop back on a train. It was once I got to the train station to go back into town I realised that I had forgotten to charge my phone while at home, and was already below 50%. My phone and my camera are my secret defence, and the thing I hide behind when I am in uncomfortable situations.. You know, like being on public transport, being in a busy pub, or being around a group of people I am keen to fit in with.

For the first part of the evening  we went Quiz Boxing. A fun little quiz show styled experience where we teamed up and did battle over general knowledge for an hour. Fantastic bonding experience, and a nice way to slowly let my defences down and ease into the whole setting.  After that, it was back on the train and off to the Slug and Lettuce by the London Eye, for some food and drinks.  Thankfully Katherine had managed to reserve us a little spot at the back of the place, so at least the evening was not spent being knocked around in a pub which was heaving.

The drinks flowed, I of course was on the cokes, and not the sort being served up in the toilets I might add! We sat, chatted, laughed, gossiped, ate food and drank plenty, and when I felt I had had enough, I excused myself, had a few hugs, and called it a night. Walking to the station and hopping on the train home.

This morning, it is fair to say I felt the effects, a little mentally exhausted, but for the first time in ages, not from trying to be someone I am not, and not from trying to impress people. I was just tired from the level of engagement I had had , and nothing more. No fakery, no bullshit, just straight up engagement and enjoyment, on a level I cannot recall ever having experienced.

Being among such a relaxed group of people, with nothing to prove, no reputation to live up to, or expectations to satisfy was delightful, and I can’t believe I am saying this, but something I would happily do again (once my batteries have recharged).

So this is me, saying thank you to the whole team for a great, fun and genuine evening out. Thank you for reminding me it IS actually possible to be out there in the scary wide world, and not spend every moment of the time internalising what people are thinking of you. How your last comment was received, and what they will be saying about you when you leave. It is SO refreshing.

Who am I becoming…. What will I be like in a years time. Let’s wait and see.