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Published on Leave a comment on Redundancy – The bigger picture

The short version is after 24 years, my journey with the company has come to an end. All very sad indeed. Part of a bigger plan by the company to restructure things. 

However, sometimes it is good to take a step back and look at things through rose tinted glasses. Not to make it into something that it is not, but instead to appreciate what happened in those years.

Many years back I started writing a book, and reflected on the "Sliding Doors" effect. In fact I have blogged about this in the past too. Sometimes a simple action can have massive consequences. This is indeed one of those matters. 25 years ago I was an operations manager for a security company in South London. Tired of the role, but not actively looking for something else, my mum handed me the local newspaper, which had a big ad on the back of it for a company. I applied, went for the interview and got the call to start ASAP while I was still driving back from the interview.

Now I digress a little here, but the long and short of it was, I had had a company van for years, and had no car of my own. To commute to the new job in the wee small hours would require a car. So off I went to somewhere with guaranteed finance, paid an arm and a leg, and bought myself a Vauxhall Vectra. At the time it was the newest car I had owned. Previously I had had a modified Cortina (don't laugh), and used to go to Chelsea Cruise at the weekends. However I was out of touch with this, and there was this new thing now, the internet. So I googled a few things and found a small internet forum called Cruise Central. A load of like minded people who modified cars and met up regularly. Pre Fast and Furious franchise I might add. This was 2000.

Anyway, long story short, after first being suspected of being a copper, I was eventually welcomed into the folds, and became a regular user of the forum. From here things moved fast. Talk of meets spawned the idea of a new forum. Introductions were made, and a meeting took place where a small group of us, some of who I still speak to a quarter of a century later, formed a new forum.. Cruise-South!

I won't go on about what happened next in detail, but I will say for better and for worse, that forum made me the man I am today. From forming friendships with some amazing people, to learning to work with the media and police. Getting adult experience of what it was like to lose someone you knew and cared about. Relationships, conflicts, learning to read characters, and of course developing a split personality and all sorts of mental health issues! 
This was the inception of "Snazy", and the start of a bit of a battle with myself, but one that has taught me so much, so I am thankful.

The point I am getting to is, had I not taken this job, I would not have bought the car, had no reason to join a forum, would not have met the people I did, and life would be so so different. And quite frankly, I would not change a single moment for a second. I am proud of who I became, even prouder of who they became, and like to kid myself that the interactions I had with some had a positive impact on their lives and journeys. 

The past 24 years have seen some tragic moments for sure. However they have also seen some mighty triumphs too, and I am always one to try and see the positives rather than the negatives. Just like now, I see the positives of a decision I made 24 years ago, and the rewards of the journey I took, rather than the doom and gloom of losing my job.

Truth be told I made some amazing friends thanks to the effects of taking the job, and made one or two friends from the actual job itself. I am not going to sugar coat it and pretend it has all been wonderful, it really hasn't. However the few friends I have made and kept from the job, I am really grateful for. They have taught me about differences of options, the power of conversation, diversity and so much more.

Now, after all this time I get the opportunity once again to spread my wings a little, broaden my horizons, and move on to something else. I have looked at other industries and roles quite a few times over the years, but generally been happy with what I did. So this is just a firm nudge to move on, and follow one of those paths I have often gazed down. Which one, I really don't know right now, but there are a few to look at and see which fits best.

I won't go on for much longer, but I just wanted to make this entry to acknowledge and appreciate the amazing people I have met through my journey, especially those I met from the forums and the effects of simply buying a car to get to and from a new job. The world works in mysterious ways.
So if you are reading this, and we met through Cruise-South / CSOC or the modified car scene, can I get a hell yeah!! If we still talk today, it is because I value your input and conversation, and hey, some of you I even consider friends.

Love to you all.

Next episode I hope to discuss my options and thoughts for the road ahead, that should be interesting (or boring)

Published on Leave a comment on Made redundant today.

Yup, that's right, after 24 years working at the same place, in just two roles, a swiftly called meeting this afternoon wrapped it all up into a couple of neat sentences. Our role is to be "absorbed" into other operations, and therefore our services are no longer required. The end of service will be around March some time, but we are currently waiting on one-to-one consultations to find out more. There will of course be a compensations package. 

Before I carry on, by "today" I actually mean yesterday, but I have just been taking a bit of time to digest all of this before putting fingers to keys. Having thought over this overnight, I thought it would be best to write in a short series of entries, so not to miss anything out, or skate over some parts to keep the entry short. So I will start with the immediate thoughts, and feelings on the situation.

So here goes...
Since 2020 there have been some big changes in the company, closures, consolidations, and other cost saving measures. My team have avoided a couple of rounds of redundancies in the past, and I have to say I took the threat far worse then than I did recently. I am sure there are some blog entries to be found which reflect how badly I took the threat, and the poor mental state I was in at the time. It is actually quite incredible to look back at those times, and see the differences from then til now. 

This time however it was for real. In the weeks leading up to the announcement, there have been some warning signs, and on the actual day, the activities within the company in the morning indicated all was not well, and that there was bad news on the horizon. So when the email came in to say we were having a team meeting, including a senior, and HR, in the next 30 mins, with the whole team, I think it is fair to say the writing was on the wall. On the lead up to the meeting I was frantically messaging those closest to me saying I thought I was about to get made redundant, while at the same time in my head starting to process the news.

A year ago I would be a shaking, mumbling mess, of that I have no doubt. However as the meeting started, the faces of the managers said it all. No words were needed other than when and how much. However a sombre statement was read out, which detailed the reasoning for the decision, a rough time scale, and that support would be available and further meetings would be had with employees in the coming days and weeks to give individual details. Logging out of the meeting, I was officially aware that I was being made redundant, and obviously told my nearest and dearest immediately. While at the same time the IM's came alive with messages from people in the same boat. 

From that point on, well it has been interesting. Obviously there is still a job to do, so you have to remain professional. But it is hard to avoid the fact you just got canned. There is no bitterness or bad feeling there for me. 24 years service (just missing out on my 25 year pay award, damnit!). I feel I have been treated fairly, paid well (something I will revisit), and having spent the last four years working from home, I honestly don't think I could have asked for more. So I am strangely grateful for the opportunities and the journey.

The rest of the working day was strange, there was a eerie quietness about the place. No one talking much, communications to a minimum, with the occasional random question or statement, but that was about it.

For me, my brain sprang into motion, thankfully at a reasonable speed, and I started processing what this meant for me. Sitting at my expensive home office set up, which I paid for myself, the first thought was "what am I gonna do with this lot". Not a major concern, a past expenditure now (apart from the chair), so something that I am sure will serve a purpose in the future one way or another. Then my mind turned to what comes next...

That is an interesting one for me, and I will go into my thoughts on that on the next entry maybe. However, there are a few points I want to make in this entry beforehand. 
I am more than aware my role has paid pretty well compared to the job market out there, and that the role itself has afforded me some luxuries. The biggest one being free time. Having worked part time for almost the past 15 years now, not starting til midday Monday to Friday. I have had plenty of time to spend with my thoughts, and had the freedom to exercise and escape for a while.

Obviously there is a bit of a reality check about to hit, and I am sure it is going to take some getting used to. Working longer days, maybe weekends, being paid less, and having to try harder to find time for my escapes. Escapes which I am positive have helped put me in the stronger mental health position that I am in today.

Of course, it is not just me in this flotilla of boats. As we all move away from this role, a lot of others are also going through the same processes, some I would hazard a guess, taking the news not quite as well as me, and seeing a dark road ahead right now. To them, I wish them the best, and hope they can take some time to reflect on how exceptional the last however many years have been, and hope they can make the required adjustments to find some light. 

And of course, I have to take a moment to recognise the changes this means to my home life too. No more being at home with the dogs all day, no more cosy home office. Back to seeing the wife in the morning and then again in the evening, depending of course on what path I take next. Lots of uncertainty, but very little worry or concern. With the suggestions of what the redundancy will be, I am confident I will have the time to make some careful decisions on what lays ahead, decide what path to take and what my future is, while being able to pay the bills to keep a roof over our heads in the meantime.  That's the main things covered. 

I will wrap it up there. I just wanted to get my initial thoughts out there, reflect for a moment myself, and check in with myself to see if any feelings I was not aware of surfaced while writing this. I am pleased to report this is NOT the case, and that after writing this, I still feel headstrong and positive. Thank you to those of you who have already reached out with supportive words and reassurances that it will all be OK. 

Watch this space for the next instalment, where I will hopefully spit ball some ideas I have had.
Not how I saw this year going, but got to stick with the positives, like .. I might be able to buy a new bike now...woohoo!

 

Published on Leave a comment on Knowing when to give up.

Sometimes in life you can expend too much energy on a lost cause. Regardless of what walk of life it is in, eventually the price is no longer worth the prize, and you simply have to call it a day. The tough part is knowing when that time is. 

Often pride, morals or sheer stubbornness can stand in the way of common sense, and instead we drive ourselves mad trying to achieve the nigh on impossible. And when that happens, it can really take its toll.

So many examples spring to mind right at this moment. 5am on a Saturday morning, lower back pain, tired as hell after already having had a broken nights sleep due to the dogs being arseholes. Sitting here now on the laptop having finally given up on trying to get back to sleep. Taking a quick break from writing this to clear up a nice warm shit the pup has just laid in the hallway, next to the puppy pad, in front of the open back door. The idea of getting back to sleep now is just fantasy.

Having already been up between 00.30 and 02.00 trying to settle the dogs, feeling the back and hip starting to ache more and more. Then finally getting back to bed and watching the clock roll around to 02.30 before finally drifting off, going through the calming the mind process all over again to get a couple of hours sleep seems pointless to me, and dare I say not worth the effort it will take.

My brain has been racing since I woke just after midnight, and quite frankly I can't decide what is more uncomfortable, my mind or my body. When I did try to get back to sleep earlier my brain was already far too active, and as I have said in the past, once the brain wakes up, the fight is over. Unable to stop thinking about the smallest of things, and the smallest thought snowballing into the biggest issue ever, what is the point in even trying. If I do try the thoughts go round for a few minutes, I toss and turn, get frustrated that I am not sleeping, look at the clock, and repeat the cycle all over again. Purposely trying to get my mind to focus on relaxing things, but somehow managing to think of random distracting stuff instead.

Example, I thought to myself, if I can't sleep much more, and wake up near dawn, I will get ready and go for a ride. Daft as it sounds, imagining myself riding along or running, or even walking in a park is very relaxing for me. But then my over active mind says "yeah but which way are we going to ride?" Away the centre of town I think to myself. "OK so along the Thames?" Maybe, that could be a good plan. "But how will we cross the Thames, the ferry won't be working today?" Hmmm good point... "Well we did see that sign that said you can use the DLR to get across when the ferry isn't working, but where are the stations we can use, do we have to carry the bike up and down stairs, how much does it cost, where do they come out on the North side?" OH SHUT UP !!

So even the fun things in life suddenly become irritating when my mind is on a mission to mess with me. I did think of writing this earlier, as I lay there listening to the pup whimpering outside the bedroom door, but I was caught in the cycle of listening to her settle, winding myself up that she was going to start again, finally believing she had settled, then listening to her start whimpering again. So the idea of walking past her to get to the laptop to write this, to clear my head seemed like a bad one. 

Does it sound like I am rambling right now, really going on with too much detail, well, welcome to my brain right now, I am writing it as I am thinking it, and I am sure the keys are melting under my fingers as I try and keep up with the thought process. 

Ironically, as I am calming down, sitting at the kitchen table writing this, getting this all out of my head, I have three dogs sitting under my feet, all fast asleep now. With the pup to my left, and her stomach gurgling like a blocked drain. I dread to think what is going to come out of her next, but fingers crossed it will at least be outside. 

Aaaah, that is a bit better now. Taking a few deep breaths, trying not to inhale puppy gases as they are really unpleasant right now. As the words appear in front of me on the screen, the burden on my brain seems less, however the discomfort on my back and hip and growing by the second. It is a tough balance to find, but right now writing this is the important part for me, so suck it up and get comfy.

There are so many other examples in life of the same thing for me, especially right now. I am sure we all feel the same at times, putting so much mental energy into something, obviously with the best intentions, only to realise it is all a waste and an excess stress on the mind. Fruitless!
It is bad enough just investing time and thought into something without seeing anything for your time, but when the process becomes almost obsessive, being something your brain gets caught up on, driving you to the point of questioning your own sanity.. Well then it is really frustrating and borderline upsetting. Not to mention completely mentally exhausting. Then as you lay there wondering why you feel so wiped out, you realise it was never worth your while in the first place, and the task was completely pointless.

But do you learn from that, nope, not at all. Instead you repeat the same process over and over, with the occasional moment of realisation that you have been there before. Then carrying on driving yourself insane for no good reason whatsoever.

We interrupt this blog writing for some 6am noisy dog play, requiring the dogs to be split up to keep the peace. See it's all go here. Five mins ago they were all fast asleep.

Anyway, where was I, oh that's right, driving myself mad with repetitive thoughts.
So what I am trying to do here is to convince myself and remind my future self that sometimes, "it's just not worth it", and that you need to cut the thoughts off as soon as you realise what is happening. 

To be fair I have gotten better at this when it comes to sleep these days. 5am or beyond I am happy to call it a day, look at my sleep score, sulk for a moment, and start the day. Obviously if it was summer and the sun was up now I could go for a ride, but alas my days of riding at night and in the darkness are behind me, and I find little pleasure in it anymore, unless it is to meet a sunrise somewhere pretty. So instead I have taken to using the early hours to clear my mind, do some mental housekeeping, and be as restful as possible, while accepting I am unlikely to go back to sleep. Ironically this has actually led to me getting an hour or two on the sofa of late. A welcome side effect of not fighting my own mind. Although I could do without the stiff neck. 

With that, I guess it would be an idea to go and stretch my back out a bit, and relax the mind now it has much less in it. Maybe a session of mindfulness with Calm, starting with the Daily Jay, and seeing where my mind takes me after that. Who knows, in a couple of hours I might even get the bike and myself ready, and go find the answers to my earlier questions... Where do we cross the river when the ferry isn't running, and the lifts on the tunnels are not working. DLR here I come. 

Thanks for reading, hope some of this makes sense to at least someone who spends the time reading it. If not, it's out of my head now, so purpose served either way. 
Have a great weekend, and just think, Christmas Day is less than 10 days away... FML !! 

Published on Leave a comment on Trying too hard!

I'm not gonna lie, I don't always try too hard, hell I don't even try to do the right thing some of the time, but every now and then I find myself in touch with my consciousness, and try and do what is right. 

As the years have passed, I have realised that sometimes that is to my detriment. Putting strain on my mental health and state of mind, for the sale of others. Sometimes the others don't seem to be putting as much heart into it as me, and I end up feeling exhausted and empty, rather than tired and full of a sense of teamwork and achievement. 

I had a great nights sleep last night, woke refreshed and surprisingly free of social burdens. Not bothered by much of what has happened of late, and free to think for myself. The clearest thing that came to me was, "why are you doing this to yourself?". The alarming part was I had no answer. 

Beating myself up week after week, overdoing it, not giving myself enough 'me time', and for what! The reality is, nothing, other than sense of doing the right thing. It's all well and good doing the right thing, trying to be helpful, supportive, productive etc, but if it leaves you in a complete mess, and unable to do the things that actually matter, what's the point! 

I had a lovely bike ride yesterday, something I have not had time for for weeks now, and a good morning run to clear my head this morning. So right now, today, this week is about me! And doing what is right for me. Less hours at work, more time focusing on my health. 

I always find myself getting caught up with a feeling of not doing my fair share at work. Working a shorter contracted day than the rest, when things are tough I like to step up. But then when I get in a mess and remember WHY I chose to do shorter hours, the penny FINALLY drops and I realise what has happened, vow never to do it again, and then next time comes around. 

Well I have caught myself this time, and I ain't going down that damn rabbit hole this time. 

 

Right I am off to stretch, do some mindfulness exercises and spend some time with me. 

Have a great day, and an even better week. 

PS there may be trouble ahead...... Lol

Published on Leave a comment on Cloud of negativity.

Right now I can feel this huge cloud of negativity hanging over me. The other day I said about the differences between depression and tiredness. Today I will take it one step further and reflect on how tiredness can lead to lots of negative thoughts.

The past week has been a testing one for sure. As the week has drawn on, and the tiredness increased, so has the frustration and negativity. It is all part of the same thing, and easy from afar to see what is happening, but each time something even mildly bad (fed up of saying negative already!) happens, so the tension builds even more. 

To add to this, the restraints of looking after the new pup also mean that going out on the bike or for long walks is not so easy right now. My escape route is blocked so to speak. My usual dash for freedom and reset is blocked. Now I am not saying it is Freyjas fault, nor impossible to get out there. There is a second thing blocking my path, weather! 

Obviously this time of year the weather turns quite fast, and with it goes the mood, so getting on the bike and going for a ride is more faff. More layers, deeper clean of the bike after a ride, not to mention a little less freedom in where I go and what I go. Taking pictures is a bit harder with full fingered gloves on. Am I getting any pity yet? No! OK I will carry on lol.

Looking out of the kitchen window as I write this, at 8.30am on a chilly November morning, I can see the outside calling to me, and I do plan to go out there, but I am just watching the outside temp and hoping it climbs quickly so I can escape for a bit. Although deep inside I know it will barely be in double figures today, so not quite sure what I am hoping for here.

Then there is weight... Something that silently creeps up on me and quickly destroys my self confidence, and drive to train more. It is a vicious circle, get an injury, gain weight, lose fitness, feel unable to train as hard as I would like. Eat crap, gain more weight, try to train, get an injury... repeat! In the past few months I have gained about 20lb, can feel it in every way possible, from breathing to fitting of clothes, and desperately want to get back on the right train, but this cloud...

Yup, that damn cloud of negativity hanging over me. Creating doubt, stirring anxious thoughts, doing all it can to keep me in a slump. Stuck in the mindset that home under the duvet is safe and warm, lets just stay here. But truth of the matter is, I don't want to do that, I enjoy being active, I enjoy riding, and running, and most of all I like being healthy and not a fat blob on the sofa pretending the world is a better place if I stay put.

It's not all doom and gloom though, as I said the other day, I am not depressed, more self suppressed. This is all my own doing, and all within my control to change it. I am not hating on myself, just recognising an unhealthy behaviour in myself, with the desire to change it. And change it I will... Soon!
I am a strong believer in doing things at the right time. Committing to a new routine when your mind is not in the game is a recipe for failure. Choosing the right time and way to start something new, or make a big change to routine, especially if you depend on routine to get through each day, is imperative.

The next few weeks will see lots of changes. Freyja will be fully jabbed so can start to go out for walks, mealtimes will change a little allowing for more flexibility for me and my daily routine. Being able to walk all the dogs (one at a time) each morning or evening will give me something more to do, and encourage more activity for me. Not to mention that the more freedom will allow bike rides to resume. 

I think the big one to me at the moment is getting running again. I know it has a positive impact on my weight, and mental well-being, and is a quick way to burn off some excess energy, and blow some of that cloud from over my head. Just got to hope my left leg plays ball, and lets me get a few miles in each time. Just to rebuild the self confidence.

Right, enough rambling, time to get ready to go out on the bike, and shake some of the negative shit from the past few days away. 

Thanks for reading. As ever I feel better just for getting this out of my head, but there is more to come, you have been warned!

Published on Leave a comment on Depression or exhaustion.

This time of year can be a challenge at the best of time for me, with the darker mornings, the lack of sunshine, and the colder weather arriving. It is often this time of year I start to see a decline in my mental health, and depression comes a-knockin'. However with all that said, every year I try and be more and more mindful of how things are going, and try to document the progression of the feeling. With the clocks having just gone back, and being able to feel the difference at the moment, I thought it would be a good time to take a little look at how I am doing. 

Of course, I forgot to mention that we also have a new puppy too, so that adds its own set of unique challenges too. So, join me for a quick look at how things are in my head right now. Where I think they are going, and how I plan to deal with everything on my plate.

But first, a word from my sponsor.. Just kidding!
I just wanted to quickly mention the ASD referral I occasionally talk about. Having spoken to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, and having monitored my Patient Access notes, I see he was correct, and that no referral had been made all those months ago. So he has made the referral himself and I can see from the records that the letter was sent. Now I just have to wait.

So, back to me and my changing state of mind.
The first thing I want to address is the title of the entry. Depression or exhaustion. The only reason this even comes to mind is that I am very aware of how much mental energy a new pup being integrated into an existing doggy household takes. The pack dynamic with the existing two has always been a bit weird, but harmony lives in this house when all is well. And the same can be said for the present, with the introduction of Freyja. She is a bold little thing, much to the annoyance of other female Anya, who has enjoyed being a bully to the boy, Kallik for a long time now. So she is currently being served  a large hot portion of her own medicine. 

So what has that got to do with the title you might ask. Well, the energy it is taking to keep things ticking over is notable. I can feel the impact it is having on my mental energy levels, not to mention impact on sleep etc. Which all comes together to create the drop in energy levels I am feeling. It's not that it is too much, nor that I can't cope. Quite the opposite, it is a welcome disruption to my routine, and one that challenges me to adapt rather than rinse and repeat the daily routine. 

At this point reading back, I can already see the results of mindfulness sessions on the Calm app lol. Seeking positivity in adversity! I joke but the app has been amazing for me. I will come back to that.

So the introduction of the new routine has basically shown me that I can feel exhausted, wiped out, and mentally drained for reasons other than depression. The desire to stay in bed when it is dark and cold outside is normal for this time of year, and that not every change in physical and mental energy levels is a mental health issue. I am sure if I looked back over the years of entries I would see that this time of year I take a dive. I don't even need to look to see that I have historically struggled a bit more this time of year, been back on meds, and off work with depression etc. I know it all to be true. 

The difference here is the level of self awareness. As I have this challenge of a new pup (I keep saying I, I mean us, me and my wife. We are in this puppy adventure together), I am more than aware of what is draining me. Normally I would feel like things were on a decline and I was about to spiral down, down, down. But this time I feel I have control a bit more. I know I am tired, so I am making a conscious effort to give myself more time and space, accept a lower level of energy, and not to convince myself this is an episode, and accept it for what it is. A seasonal change with challenges. 

The reason for the title should be becoming clearer now. This is my realisation that there are more reasons than depression to feel exhausted in every way. Sure the season plays a role, but so do other external factors, and for me it is important to differentiate between the causes. One of the biggest issues I, and I am sure many others face is the feeling of impending doom, and the subsequent self destruction behaviours which ensure we go down that road, and reinforce our beliefs that we are doomed. 

I have said this before I know, but being self aware enough to catch yourself before you throw yourself into the perpetual spiral of doom and depression is really important. Today is one of those days for me. Laying in bed this morning, awake earlier than usual due to the puppy, I was aware of how nice it felt to be curled up under a warm duvet. I could hear the rain outside and knew there was no running, dog walking or cycling happening today, so why bother to get up yet.
Then the reasons hit me, I want some breakfast, I deserve a lazy few days / week and a bit of a rest, and quite frankly that if I stayed in bed much longer I would start to ache. So here I am in a moment of realisation, writing this to make sure I don't forget, and others too can see, it's not always depression.

I can also see where the average person on the street feels like there is something wrong, and ends up with a diagnosis of depression. That diagnosis soon turns into depression and anxiety as they start to question their ability to function, and on it goes. 

OK, so I have established that this is not depression. In general I feel positive, upbeat, and have drive to do things when the opportunity presents itself. Can I go for a long walk or ride right now. Well, no.... There is a new puppy in the house who needs keeping an eye on (not obsessively, just frequently), and the weather is shite, so I will give myself a pass on that one. Could I do something indoors in the gym? Probably yes, but if I am honest, I am just being lazy right now, and rightly so too, so ner! Plus as I write this my nose has just started streaming, so I think this break in exercise and routine is the usual trigger for my body to have a meltdown and fall apart for a bit. But am I depressed, or on the road to it? Nope, I don't believe I am. 

It is worth me taking a moment to mention puppy life. It has been a long time since I had a young pup, and in addition to that it has been equally as long since I introduced a pup into the home with an established dog. Oh how quickly you forget the implications of this. It has only been a few days, and already I am starting to remember how unsettled things can become. But also at the same time I can recall how wonderful things are when harmony arrives. So there is hope and and endgame. 

With all that said and done, Leanne and Natalie you have sooo much respect from me for the journey you have both been on with your litters. Having a whole litter of pups, from their most needy moments, to their most disruptive. On the go 24/7, mixed in with having an existing pack of Malamutes in the house too. Words cannot express how in awe of you I am right now. The fact you are still both functioning, bothering to get dressed in the morning, and even entertaining having people over to make a fuss of the dogs.... WOW !

But, the fact that you are doing all of the above shows you are maybe stronger than you give yourself credit for, and that you have the grit and determination to do what you set your mind to. Regardless of the obstacles that life regularly throws in your way, you are bigger and better than it all. So give yourself a massive pat on the back, and hug from me, because I think you are fuckin' awesome!

Before I go, an honourable mention to Calm, the app. 
I am sure most people have heard of it, many have snubbed it or make light of it, some have possibly looked then seen the price and said no thanks!
Well, there is no price for good mental health, if you ever venture down Struggle Lane, or Anxiety Drive, you will realise that as good as meds and short counselling sessions are, there is only one way not to get lost down one of those roads again, and that is with constant self awareness, and well-being. Mindfulness can play a huge role in this, reminding you to check in with yourself, cut yourself some slack (just as I did above) and take things for what they are, not what you could make it if you worry hard enough.

I started using Calm a couple of months back, while I was in a good, strong place mentally, and found a new routine with it. One session a day minimum, and using it throughout the day if I felt myself getting wound up. Again, self-awareness, and being able to feel when you are slipping a bit plays a part. Mindfulness is almost the polar opposite of depression. A positive spiral. The more you use it, the more aware you become. The more aware you become, the more you use the app as self help to avoid the opposite. 

There are short sessions of daily wisdom, reflection, meditation, even yoga. By short I mean short. Anywhere from a few minutes, to extended meditation sessions. Yes, I said it, meditation. No, not chanting, and sitting in the lotus position while dressed in a sheet, and levitating. Just relaxed sitting or laying, checking in with yourself, and being self-aware. Feeling your breathing and heartbeat, and learning to let things pass on by without conflict. I know it sounds goofy, but trust me, after a week or two of it being part of the routine, it feels good. I often find myself smiling as I listen to a wisdom session. Recognising and realising how relevant it is to me, and how daft some of my actions and reactions can be at times. 

It is amazing the difference three deep breaths can make, and even more amazing what a 10 min session can do for how you feel. Try it, I dare you!

Anyway, enough rambling, I have dogs to see to. I joke, I am so relaxed they are all asleep at my feet right now. 

Thanks for reading, and please take a moment to take care of yourselves. This is a challenging time of year, don't struggle alone, there is always someone ready to listen.

Published on Leave a comment on Vivid dreams and struggling to focus.

The past couple of weeks my sleep has been off the chart, and so have my dreams. Some pretty damn vivid ones, and some rather personal and touching ones. Almost like a blockage has been cleared and my brain is finally starting to process some of the things that weigh heaviest on me. That is what I like to think anyway. If that is actually the case is a whole other matter.

I think it would be fair to say that a lot has happened in my life which has gone completely unresolved, or even processed and accepted. I have always been great at shutting things out of my mind, and pretending they don't matter, or never happened. Not denial as such, I often refer to some of these events and recognise their role in my life, but then I tuck them neatly away again for years more. 

I think it would be good to address some of those issues one day. From childhood friends dying young, to loss of family members. Losing contact with my daughter, and living knowing she is out there and I am missing so much. There is a lot to discuss one day...

But at the same time I don't put my behaviours down to those events. Some of this stuff is just hardwired and not in any way a creation of sadness and trauma in my younger life. 

Earlier this year I spoke with the GP about my ongoing mental health, how it affects my day to day life, and questioned if there might be other factors that would explain things better than simply putting it down to anxiety and depression all the time. Most recently my diagnosis was social anxiety, because it fitted with how I felt about being around others, and being in busy spaces. But to me there was a little more to it than that. The medication I took changed some things for me, but not others. CBT became infuriating as I was being told exercises with the mind would resolve the remaining matters. It did not. 

The route of investigation led me to explore ASD, and a referral was made by the GP in March. A recent conversation with a friend (now Oct) got me wondering why I had not heard anything back. Having put my sister down as a reference, I checked with her to see if she had heard anything. The answer was a resounding no.

This was all last night, and on top of an inactive morning, no notable exercise on the Sunday either, I was already on edge. The events over the next 30 mins or so just snowballed into a "complete clusterfuck" (medical term!). Needless to say I struggled for hours last night, and can feel the after effects today. 
Ironically a great example of how some of my behaviours and mannerisms are simply not explained away with "anxiety" all the time. 

Today, even though I am a little worn out from what felt like a night of terror, with weird dreams which felt very real, broken sleep, and frustration levels off the chart, I decided I would find out what was going on with the referral. I started to write an email, then decided I would call the surgery instead so there were no misunderstandings. With the noted from Patient Access in front of me, so I had the dates and comments, I placed a call to the surgery.

I spoke with reception and explained my situation, and was then put on hold. After a while she came back to me an explained she had spoken to her senior and it appeared that although I had been sent a form to fill out with my details, the issues I had, and who I wanted to use as a reference. And even though I had completed it immediately and sent it back.... It had never been actioned, so no referral was ever started. 
Nice! Frustratingly the doctor I spoke to at the time is no longer at the surgery, so they are unable to simply carry on with the process. 

So, back to square one I went. Speaking to the receptionist, I asked if I would need to do the 8am call to try and get an appointment to speak to another GP start the process over again. Thankfully I was told that I would be added to the list for the afternoon, and would be sent a text questionnaire to complete. Which I promptly received, completed and returned. Now I wait... Again.

This time I have a whole list written down, things to mention, questions to ask. I just have to hope that I actually get a call this time. If not I shall give it til after the morning appointments, and give them a call back and chase it. From here on in, I need to take control of it, and not be passive about it. 

This whole thing is not about medication, recognition, any kind of assistance or benefit, unless of course there is something available that can actually help me control things a bit better. But it is about understanding myself. I think I have been through this a number of times now, but the most important thing to me is understanding, and learning coping strategies. 

While writing this I have had a call back from the surgery, and been given a telephone appointment for next Wednesday. No idea who with, it's all a big mystery. But at least I have the appointment set, and have a list to work from. 

At some point I really do need to sit down, maybe with a counsellor and talk through some of the stuff that weighs heavy on me. Get it off my chest, and into the relevant brain department for processing and storing correctly. Not hiding away on a shelf, and try to forget about it and "move on".

I should also try and not only understand and create ways to cope, but communicate them to others, so the support I receive is appropriate, rather than overwhelming and emotional.

Right, today has been enough of a struggle as it is, so I am gonna wrap up there. Hopefully I will have a better night sleep and have a clearer head for making more sense soon.

Published on Leave a comment on How are YOU today?

Sometimes it seems that I am asked this frequently, but never seem to ask others very much, and it can make me feel a bit crappy at times. 
When I meet with friends for a catch-up, at times I come away wondering if I let them speak at all, and if indeed I did, then did I pay attention. Conversation is a two-way thing, and occasionally I feel like I have not done enough listening, and indeed done all the talking.

When I break it all down, I think.... THINK, it is not as bad as my mind makes it, but from time to time I need to ask and check. My circle of friends is tiny, and people I have regular deep conversations with are few and far between. So being that guy who just sits there talking about themselves, and never listens is not who I want to be. 

Now before you ask, yes YOU! I know we have a running joke about it's all me, me, me.... (or at least I think it's a joke), but that is not what I mean. I like a good ramble and rant as much as the next person, and I know I am pretty good at monologues, and sometimes conversations feel like they have a good balance of talking and listening. Then responding accordingly. I think that is the point where some "me, me" comes into it, and I like to try and use my own experiences as an offering to "compare" to, or at least relate to the subject at hand. 

My problem really starts when I am having one of those days where I just can't focus. Conversation, information etc is like water off a ducks back. No matter how hard I try it just doesn't absorb. I find myself asking people to repeat themselves. Worse still is coming away from a meet-up with someone feeling lighter and like I have offloaded my woes, but with very little idea of what they said during that time. I have been known to message people after meeting with them to apologise if I was a bit rude or vacant. 

I would never knowingly meet up with someone just to have an hour long monologue. OK sometimes I can have a lot to say, but hearing others out is just as important to me. 

Worse still is the inability to absorb information can be quite long term for me. It is frustrating when you are talking to someone and the reference something that was said in a previous conversation with such clarity. While you struggle to recall what was said at the start of this conversation today. I think it is this part of things that made me want to write this blog today.

Now it is not like I cannot absorb information, ever. But thinking back to even times at school, I would just tune out for a bit, and my mind would become noisy with my own thoughts. Internalised conversations going on, all the while growing more and more frustrated at not being able to concentrate. To be clear, as you can probably tell, it is quite a conscious issue. I am usually very much aware that I am not concentrating enough to respond if called upon. It was the same with school, had there been a mid point question, I would have been stuffed.

As I say, looking back, I realise this has been something I have lived with for years. It is probably why I got bored and left school early, and why I have never really pursued any form of further education, regardless of how interested I am in a subject. But it is only of late that I have actually realised JUST how busy and noisy my mind is. I know I have mentioned it numerous times in many blogs now. How the noise in my head disturbs my rest, makes me anxious, and plays tricks with me. However, it was only when I started doing mindfulness relaxations, and meditation that I understood it better. 

Usually I would notice it the most when I was trying to go to sleep, things pop into my head, and internalised conversations would begin for hours on end. From time to time I would be watching something on TV, well, I would be present in the room as the program played at least. But as the phrase goes, "my mind was elsewhere". Sadly, no idea where that was. But since I started using the Calm app, and have been able to be "present and in the moment", I have noticed just how quickly my focus shifts.

Some days it is the perfect example of how the mind drifts, and meditation helps you come back to the moment. Other days, no matter how much I have practised, I have to submit to the fact that my mind wants to do other things right now. Sadly resulting in frustration rather than relaxation. Of course it is then I now switch to breathing exercises, just for a few mins, to hit reset, and calm the mind down again. Something I have become quite good at recently. 

I am hoping that with these practises in my toolbox, I can start to be a little more attentive when in conversation with friends, and be better at dialogue rather than monologue. 

Whatever happens, just know that if I have taken the time to have a conversation with you, it is because I care about you, and am genuinely trying to be there and share a meaningful moment with you. If I glaze over, or didn't hear what you said, it is because my mind ran away for a moment, and not that you are boring me. Rest assured, if you are boring me, I WILL tell you. But then if we are close enough to have these conversations, you already knew that!

Right, enough of this, I am boring myself now, so I shall leave it there. 

Thanks for reading, and I will be back soon with another tedious monologue. 

Published on Leave a comment on Just SO tired!

Mentally and physically!
Not quite sure what has happened, maybe it was the bigger week of riding a week ago taking its toll, maybe it is the relief of the biopsy results finally coming in, or possibly just feeling exhausted from last weeks wobble still. 

At the weekend just gone, I realised that recovering from a wobble seems to take much longer than the initial "feeling a bit better" phase of things. With the thought process, and energy levels just not snapping back as quickly as you might think they would. It is almost like recovering from the flu or something, and while you are not sniffling anymore, things just are not quite right, yet!

The past couple of days it has been really noticeable. Going for a run yesterday morning, my brain said "YEAAAAAHHH", my body said, "oh give it a rest!" Not that it was a bad run at all, but I am feeling it today. For the rest of the day yesterday I noticed I was sluggish while working. Physically slow, and mentally just taking my own sweet time about things. The cogs turning very slowly. I would go so far as to say almost a little confused and foggy. Right now, if I stop and look at the keyboard while I am typing, my eyes go all over the place looking for the next letter, then all the words I had in mind disappear. 

Physically is where I notice it the most, a bit wobbly on my feet, tired and stiff when moving, mostly from DOMS from the run yesterday, but still. A little unstable, so taking extra care getting up, and getting out of the bath earlier too. 

It is just frustrating to feel so low on energy in body and mind. That said an indoor session on Zwift was my limit today, especially as its so damn windy today. Sod being out there on a bike.

Hopefully over the next few days, as we head towards the weekend things improve and I have a bit more get up and go. One thing that might help with that is getting back into a better sleep routine, and cleaning up my diet a little. Weight gain makes me physically sluggish anyway, and poor sleep, well that is no good for anyone. 

Fingers crossed I can clear this hurdle soon. 

Published on Leave a comment on To quote the late Whitney Houston…

I get so emotional.... 

No really, I do. For years I have been pretty numb to any sort of emotional reactions, and not cried in over 20 years now. There have been the occasional choked up or moments of feeling overwhelmed, but that is as far as it goes, or has gone anyway.

Recently, specifically since stopping the Sertraline I have become a little more reactive to things. Reading out dramatic stories, watching emotionally charged  TV content etc, all leaves me feeling choked up, and dare I say, vulnerable.

Having grown up in the "man up", and "real men don't cry" era, I can't say I every really considered it a weakness, or was in any way aware of my emotions. I definitely do not ever recall being told not to cry, or feeling the need to hide my emotions. I guess it just happened. Peer pressure, society as a whole etc. That said, the only time I can actually remember feeling like I was going to cry, I just went with it. It was how I felt at the time, and better out than in as the saying goes. Not sure that is about crying, but it felt good at the time. 

I have spent decades being cold and emotionally numb. Many things have happened where crying would have been natural, but it didn't happen. Instead I dealt with the formalities and moved on. Quite a few near and dear people to me have died over this time, including my mother, and I can honestly (but not proudly) say I have not shed a tear for any one of those people. I loved them to bits, but nope. just didn't happen. 

Some might say that had I had an emotional reaction, maybe I would not be the mess I am today. OK that isn't fair, I am not a mess, but I certainly struggle with certain things, especially emotions.
What I mean is, some people including professionals might feel that all the emotional baggage I carry, completely unprocessed might not leave processing capacity for day to day life. A good purge might leave some space to be a more balanced person emotionally. They may have a point. It has certainly crossed my mind many times over the years. 

However, maybe I am just not that person. Maybe I am just practical, and take things as they come. I do get a bit quiet and more introverted when bad things are happening emotionally,  but to me that is just my process. My lack of tears in no way reflects on how I feel about people. Just the ingrained instinctual part of me takes over, and moves to the "life goes on" approach. Self preservation at its finest. 

The strange part is, it feels like everything is changing now. I don't feel over emotional, nor out of control. I am just more aware of feeling choked up, having to stop what I am saying, coughing to clear the "lump in my throat" and so on. Then you have the awkwardness of not knowing what to do with the feelings. It has been so long since I have felt anything like it, NOW I feel like I am suppressing it, after all this time!
It would be fantastic to be able to just let it all go, but I can honestly say, I don't know how.

It is a weird situation to find myself in, and I really do not have a clue where I go with this. Maybe some research, but that involves reading, and I hate doing that! Maybe speak to someone about it, delve back a little further, trigger some reactions and go with the flow. I just don't know.
I am sure a few of you will have some good suggestions.

To be clear, I am not afraid or against crying. Never have been, never will be. But I have not felt the way I do for many years, and just feel a bit lost in my own head. Learning how to let it all out, be emotional, and feel a little more human would be great... I just got to figure it out. 

Cue the comments lol..

Oh before I forget.. It feels like the Sertraline was a bit of a reset for me, and now I am solo again, I can connect to the long lost parts of my brain.
OK that's it this time. 

Thanks for reading.