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Published on Leave a comment on Time for an update. I GOT MARRIED !

So, since we last spoke I have been to Florida, got married. In the past month I have had surgery, come off my Sertraline meds, had a long haul holiday, gained a wife, seen a rocket launch, run some bucket list runs, and so much more. What I am trying to say is, the last month has been frickin mental for me!

That said, it's all good. I managed to get some nice runs in while I was away, Cocoa Beach, Key West, and some runs in Davenport too. Sadly I didn't manage to get any cycling in as I was really starting to feel fatigued, especially with the record breaking temperatures they were having in Florida while we were out there. 

So, what has happened in the past 20 days. 
Well, we flew to Florida on 29th July, bloody long day with some minor hiccups at Orlando airport with the car reservation. Already exhausted, and having planned to skip the human element at car rental, that was the final straw for me, and I had a little internal wobble. I just wanted to get to the house and hide for a bit. No time for conversation, drama or anything else. Let alone walking round Walmart for groceries. The shopping part was easy enough, it was more the "first time" experiences of the place for the others that was mentally exhausting. CAN WE JUST GET SHOPPING AND GO !!

The next morning, after a poor sleep, I got into the routine I had planned for myself and went out for a run before sunrise. The plan was to do something early each morning, not only starting the day with some time to myself, but also being up at 5am was going to avoid jetlag at the end of the trip. Spoiler alert, it worked a treat, I have been fine since Day 1 back in the UK.
Hard work, as it was already high 20's low 30's by the time I got out. Finishing the run and coming back to the community I was greeted with the fact that the vehicle gate code and pedestrian gate code were NOT the same, and I was locked out. This would become a bone of contention over time. 

Soaking wet, 6am, and of course everyone was still asleep. After 20 mins or so I managed to contact the house and get let in the gate. Phew!

Over the course of the trip to Florida I clocked up over 2,000 miles of driving, which took its toll on each day, especially the drive to and from Key West, being 400ish miles each way. But the reward for all this was some amazing adventures, some of which I shall talk about in another blog on my other page. 

So, apart from a wobbly start, and long days behind the wheel, how was it?
Well, I got married.... Did I mention that? lol
Something I have been looking forward to for a long time now, and I finally, proudly wear a wedding ring. So that was SO worth it. 
Another revelation was finding Melatonin sitting on a shelf in Walmart. Having heard so much about it, I was curious about it, and could not pass off the opportunity to see if it helped with my sleep. 2 weeks later, I can say so far so good, and my sleep has been good. Especially the getting settled part, which is what I have always struggled with. 10mg dose, and a large bottle of it, I will see how I go long term before asking the doc to prescribe it. 

Speaking of doctors, first up, arm has healed really well, can't see the surgery site at all, and no ill effects. Sadly I am still waiting on the biopsy results, but I am sure they will come in time.
As far as Sertraline goes, I can honestly say I have had no issue being off it. I am aware that I am prone to little wobbles when things get full on, however for the most part things have been just fine. 

In fact, even while in Florida, in busy surroundings I managed just fine, using coping behaviours I have developed over the past year. Focusing on only the things closest to me, rather than the depth of crowds, and sheer masses of people. I am quite proud of myself for learning another way of coping with things like that. 

As a whole then, things have been great. Frustrations have been treated as just that, run of the mill hiccups and pains in the arse, rather than personal attacks, and failures. 

Do you know what, I am gonna wrap this up here. I have a lot more to talk about, but very little is mental health related, so I will pop it over on my Michael Snasdell blog instead. It is all worth talking about, but in the right context.

Thanks for reading and supporting, hope everyone is well, and here's to many happy years as an old married man 🙂 

Published on Leave a comment on Feeling a little sensitive

Over the past couple of weeks, as my dose of meds has slowly reduced I have noticed a few changes. Sleep takes a little longer to happen, dreams are a bit weird, and most notable is the increase in sensitivity to sounds. 
For a couple of weeks I have been isolated to an extent, due to healing from the op, so I had not noticed any change. But as soon as I was back out there last week, it was like an overload of sounds all at once. Part of that might have been the time spent away from such environments, but I am pretty sure some of it is as a result of the meds too.  Or lack thereof.

The other day while out riding I noticed I was feeling overwhelmed in Parliament Square, hearing my music, the background noises of the tourists, and the sound of bagpipes plays. Bit of a clash at the best of times, but on this occasion I felt like I wanted to leave as soon as humanly possible. 
Again while out having lunch with a friend at the weekend, we chose to sit in a bar with music playing, which also had a family group eating in there too. Towards the end of their meal the kids became unsettled, and the crying and moaning really became an issue for me. Not their fault I know, but that was just how I felt. 

Thankfully they left, and our conversation continued, speaking with slightly raised voices over the music, but not terrible. A short while later two other groups came in too. Each speaking with raised voices as well. I tried for as long as I could, but I felt myself disengaging from the conversation, and twitching to leave the bar. Until I had to say, "I need to leave". Thankfully we had finished eating a while before, and the bill was settled haha. 

I know this has always been an issue for me, sounds clashing, inability to focus, and a sense of being overwhelmed. Each time I am on meds I think I forget what it feels like until around now, then it is full on. So I am being mindful to try and control the situations I put myself in to minimise it happening. For example, being in a busy airport, or on a plane packed with families for a long haul trip. Oh .... wait ! lol

It's OK though, noise cancelling headphones to the rescue. Fingers crossed if it all gets too much, they will help numb it a bit. And of course, the reward is spending two weeks in far more relaxing surroundings. 

Here ends todays update. Early days, a long way to go, but challenging myself to notice changes in mood and state of mind is helpful in the long run. It helps me find my limits and boundaries, and most of all hopefully helps me navigate day to day life without any more big wobbles for as long as possible.

Published on Leave a comment on Aaah, that’s better.

After two weeks of respite following the surgery on my arm to remove the lump, it feels great to be back at it. And by "it" I mean cycling and running. Having avoided it on instruction for two weeks, to avoid stressing it or getting it full of sweat, over the last two days I have both cycled and run, and IT FEELS GREAT!

 

 

As you can see from the joy in my face in the pictures, I am really in my happy place when being out and about, not to mention active and getting the heart pumping. The effect it has on my brain is enormously positive. I can already feel a change happening in me with just two days of being back in a routine. That is one of the reasons I think keeping that up while I am away is going to be important too. With all the stresses of the trip, it should hopefully keep me a bit more grounded. 

I have gone on about this a thousand before I know, but I really do support the notion that physical exercise, of any kind (so long as it raises the heart rate a bit) can be amazingly helpful for not only your physical health, but your mental health too. Long hikes, short runs, bike rides of any kind, just to name a few. Escaping your surroundings for a bit, giving yourself a bit of breathing space, and most of all headspace.

The main point of these blogs is a two pronged thing. Firstly to share my experiences with others, show there is a way, and a little hope when things are getting too much for you. Life is full of ups and downs. The ups are the easy bit, but recovering from the downs is the hard part. Hard but not impossible, so long as you don't give up hope and self belief. 
The second part is giving me the tools I need when self belief is at a low point, and recovering from a down seems like the hardest struggle of my life. Having notes, a diary or some way of remembering how you did it last time is so so helpful when getting things back on track, as I have found time and time again. But the playbook changes, and so should the notes, hence each time I have a down, I make a record, and see how things have changed, and what works for me now. 

This is NOT a "how to" for anyone else, merely a rough map to show there are various paths to take, and you can find yours too. 

I think the tough part for me this time around, especially while weaning off meds, was recognising what was heightened anxiety, caused by my brain being a bit of a dick, and what was just every day "oh that's shit" feelings, that everyone experiences every day. Differentiating is really important, but hard when you are in the thick of it. Taking an every day piece of bad luck and catastrophizing it to the point where it is targeted, personal, and the world is against you is so easy to do, I speak from experience.

The trick is to catch it at the start. Stop, take a moment, a few breaths, slow down. Separate it from your low mood, they are not associated. Understanding these elements can change everything. 
The example I use all the time is a common scenario. 
You are standing at the sink washing something up, you drop it. As you try to catch it you bend hitting your head on the work top. You pick the item up, go to put it under the tap to rinse it, and get splashed.

SLOW DOWN... Sometimes it's easier to accept things. OK, you dropped something, if your reflexes don't catch it straight away, let it fall, don't have a knee jerk reaction. Look down, take a breath, pick it up, take a breath. Back under the tap it goes. Nice and easy, one step at a time. Each step was individual, not one event.

It is the same with everything else in life too, they are not all connected, it is not all part of a masterplan to ruin your life. The more you panic and rush, the more of a catastrophe it becomes, and the lines become blurred.
I know, it is SO easy to say all this from a stable situation, and it never feels like it at the time. But it comes back to the tools and a little self belief. These are not only skills for getting you out of a hole, but also work for keeping you out of the next one too. The less stress you feel day to day, the stronger the mind is, and the more resilient. Going back to the point of this blog, taking a bit of time each day, or as many as you can manage, to decompress, process things that have happened, and appreciate that here you are, still doing OK, in spite of it all. Build that self belief one day at a time. 

For me, it feels great to feel positive and free again. Nice to know my escapes still work, and most of all that I am mostly in control of your life.
Side note, I have gained a few lbs while I have been unable to train, and really don't care. I am heading into two weeks of "relaxing" if that is the right word. Getting married, soaking up some sun, and of course running and cycling in some new places. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope everyone is well. Always here for a chat.

PS... My CamelChops custom bar bag is on its way too, how flippin excited am I to get that on the Canyon and off for a ride !!

Published on Leave a comment on Unsettled and agitated.

The past week or so I have really been fighting to get to sleep. Once I am asleep I seem to do OK, albeit waking up a little earlier than I would like. But the initial getting off to sleep is hard work. Certainly harder than it has been for a while now.  A couple of years back I got a bit like this, and I resorted to going for runs at 1am to clear my head and wear myself out a bit. However that was quite short lived and just seemed to correct itself, so it's return is very much unwelcome.

Now, it would be more than fair to say that I have quite a lot going on at the moment, which could be contributing to a busy mind, awaiting test results on the lump I had removed, unable to train for the past two weeks, an up and coming trip to Florida next weekend (woohoo), oh and of course, I am getting married the weekend after that. So that is quite the mental load to be getting on with. So it is hardly a surprise that my mind can't switch off too easily. 

If I break down how I have been feeling recently, it might make a bit more sense. So here goes, as I write it, I expect the fog to clear.
First up, headaches. Not bad ones, just lingering , dull aches. Reluctant to take anything for them as they are so mild, but definitely aware of them. Stress, tension? Maybe. I have taken something for it for now, so lets see. Just usually a good indicator my brain is working overtime, and that I am getting wound up.

Then there is the inability to switch off and get some sleep. Apparently I do some of my best thinking while horizontal, so as soon as I go to bed, my brain really gets going. I can have had a nice relaxing evening, feel totally unwound, and as soon as I am in bed, BOOM! My head becomes a think tank! The worst part about this is, not only does it keep me awake, but I actually wasn't joking when I said I do my best thinking laying in bed. Suddenly it is filled with ideas and solutions to things I have been wondering about. The problem is, I try and stick to the rule of once I am settling, don't get my phone out or anything.

By the morning, the ideas are all gone, with the occasional one coming back to me at a random point in the day. My consideration for the solution, a cheap digital dictaphone. Of course I could grab my phone , but that goes against the grain. I could call out to one of the Google devices to make a note and remind me in the morning, but what if it gets it wrong. Surely £16 for a cheap dictaphone which I can simply press the button, say what I am thinking and leave it there is worth the investment?

In fact, the idea for this blog entry was thought up last night, it was much better the first time it went through my head, honest! So to be able to quickly make some notes about something, from the title to the main content, would help alleviate the frustration no end. Hey, who knows, it might even get me used to hearing my own voice, and encourage me to carry on writing the two books I started years ago.

The other issue with my brain behaving this way, is it is very disruptive for sleep. Over the past week I have become worse again at going to bed at a reasonable time. I think subconsciously I am trying to wear myself out before trying to sleep, but of course that doesn't actually work, and it's not really a thing. Physical fatigue does not equate to getting to sleep quickly. I of all people should know that by now, which is why it is important to identify it here, and do something about it. Tonight I shall go to bed earlier.. And stare at the clock for an hour or so before falling asleep.

Next up for me is my general sense of agitation.  I would not say I am irritable as such, no more than normal anyway. However there is an underlaying feeling of being twitchy and easily annoyed. I am not angry or short tempered, but seem to have a sensation of "oh FFS" ever present in my head.
I would say I have no idea why, however I would say there are two very clear reasons why. A lot going on, and my routine is broken.

As I said in the opening, there are a few big things going on right now, the final plans for the trip and wedding are not so much a burden, but a constant thought process in my head. I am very aware I have been to Florida before, but the others have not, so feel somewhat responsible for them having the best time possible. I am a stickler for planning things, and at the moment the plans just feel a little bit loose. It would just be nice to have a basic itinerary to work off, and plan the days according to the weather.  Not really something that should be bothering me, but you know when you just want the best, and it eats away at you?

Then there is the wedding, which I am of course really excited about, and can't wait to happen, there is just the small matter of getting to and from Key West from Orlando for the weekend lol. Should be a nice drive, and a fantastic weekend. I just want to make the most of the time we have in the Keys, and tick off as many things as we can. For me other than the getting married part, I want to do some running and riding.

And that brings me neatly back around to exercise. Since the surgery on my arm, I have not been allowed to run, and cycling was strongly advised against. If nothing else the dressings would peel off, not to mention getting sweat in a fresh wound. So after almost 2 weeks of not being able to do my usual morning exercise, be it running or cycling. my mind is getting worn out. Thankfully the stitches come out tomorrow, and with no dressing, so long as the cut has closed nicely, I should be able to run and ride again, and clear my mind. Just in time for the trip. 

Time and time again, when I have to take a break from running and cycling I am reminded of how much of an integral part of my life and indeed coping mechanism it all is. So it will be a massive relief to be back in the groove soon.

The final piece of the puzzle, and the elephant in the room is the reduction of meds. In the final week of weaning off them now, and I am down to 25mg one day on, one day off. So absolute minimal, and probably totally ineffective. That said, the timing sucks a little, as without careful consideration I would usually consider this a wobble caused by reducing the meds, and get back on them pronto. So it is important to me to be mindful of all the other things going on right now, and realise they have an impact on the strongest and most level of heads, let alone mine.

As next week starts, and the final countdown to the trip comes around, I will me off the meds totally, and flying solo for the first time in almost a year. Well aware that if I do feel stressed or have disturbed sleep, it will more than likely be "normal" and not me flagging.

Oh, one final thing. Weird dreams!
Not just one or two, loads. My take on it is this is the opposite of what happens when you go ON the meds. Usually your brain seems to let thoughts go a little easier, far less dwelling and fixating on silly things, and after an initial period of a daydream like state, dreams seem to become few and far between.
Now the meds are no more, it feels like my mind is making up for lost time, and going crazy. Almost like it has a backlog of things to process and clear out of the system, and they are all merging into one in the rush. Not a bad thing, just noteworthy.

Right, I am done, I am off to buy a dictaphone lol. 

Thanks for reading as ever. 

 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Three years later, a look back and forward.

Three years ago this month I wrote a blog entry on my other blog, titled My case to remain working from home. At the time we were about 4 months into a global pandemic, restrictions were starting to lift for the first time, and things were starting to change, fast! Having started working from home at the very beginning if the Covid pandemic, I had now settled into my new routine, and apart from some physical wobbles with training and not being allowed to go out and cycle as much as I usually would, all was fantastic.

Now for the first time, the idea of returning to an office was becoming a reality, and it did NOT sit well with me, mentally. In the first couple of months of the situation it had been all new territory, all so unknown. How long does a pandemic last, when will normality return etc. The impression most had was, the weather would warm up, summer would come, and we would all go back to normal. Well, we know how that played out now don't we. But in the moment, going back to the office was always on the cards.

Thankfully during 2020 there was no rush from my employer to get us back to the office. Realising it was still a dynamic situation, everyone was told to sit tight, for which I am eternally grateful. As time went on, I noticed more and more how much healthier I was both mentally and physically with working from home. My own little office, everything the way I wanted it, no noise, interruptions or irritations. For me, feeling mentally stable, with no anxiety on a day to day basis was my idea of paradise, and it was not something I was about to give up without a fight.

The end of the year came, Covid spiked, and into 2021 we went, still with uncertainty about getting normality back, never mind going back to an office environment. As we entered Spring of '21 the talk of returning to the office started back up again. Talk of a hybrid working scheme, split between office and home for certain work groups. Conversations were being had at a higher level, with occasional vague communication to the team, but still nothing solid. Having been working with an internal mental health group, I put out a little survey to see how people felt about returning to an office. People from all different roles, and locations. Getting everything back, I wrote another blog, almost directed at the company and the decision makers, setting out my case for the WFH road ahead. Work From Home - The road ahead.

Now it had been a year since the start of the pandemic, and I had been working at home throughout. Myself and the rest of my team could certainly see the benefits. However both within and outside my group, concern was starting to be raised about the impact on peoples mental health. The lack of personal face to face interactions. Not so much causing problems for the role and the company, but for the people themselves. The company recognised this, as did many others, and provisions were made for those struggling to be able to safely return to the office. The bit I wasn't hearing was what provisions were being made for those performing and feeling better OUT of the office. That's because there didn't seem to be much consideration for this side of things. Only the other way.

It was around this time, in the summer of '21 that I started to make noises about it, and make the case that while some suffered, others thrived. Of course I wanted those struggling to be looked after, but I would like a voice too. Talking to HR, I set out my concerns for returning to an office as and when the time were to come. Little did I know even the thought of that was a long way off.  As consultations continued, there was talk of a new way, three groups of roles. Office based, hybrid, and remote. But again, there was no indication of who fell into what category. As summer came to an end, and the weather turned, lessons from 2020 were used, and the decision was made to sit tight for another winter, in case of a spike in cases. Yup, Covid was still rampant back then, you forget so quickly!

OK, so Spring 2022, it has now been a whole two years since Covid started. Two years working at home, and slowly but surely setting up a nicer and nicer office environment for myself. Spending my own money, and hoping dearly that we at least fell under hybrid, and would just be left to our own devices with regards to office days. 
Then finally, the day came, the official announcement was made, and we were..... Office based! WTF! How was this even possible, two years working from home, everything working perfectly, in fact better than ever, and somehow it was back to the office for us. Naturally this was not received well, and an immediate protest was made. A protest / appeal which a year later is still rattling on in 2023. 

In the past year, since that announcement I have been making my own case for remaining at home. My home office is better equipped than my work office was, my mental health is better than ever, as is my physical health, so why change that?

So, let me jump to the point of this blog, as in reality the summary above is just a recap of all the other blogs I wrote over this time period. Is working from home better or worse for MY mental health?
If you believe the mainstream and the masses, it is not possible to be better off mentally by being isolated away from people. Humans thrive with interactions, and face to face is far healthier. However things like this always fail to take into account the input from those with anxiety, who prefer to be introverts, and to put it plainly, just don't like people. I fall into all the above categories, and was reminded of this with a couple of quick visits to the office for I.T reasons last year. Nope, nope and nope, given the choice, I choose NOT to be in an office. 

Over the past year I have been making my case to medical professionals, work HR dept, and my line manager, trying to explain why it would be detrimental to my mental health to return to working in an office. During that process I have had my first issue with anxiety in years, been back on medication, and am slowly coming back off them. Thankfully a couple of months back now, the decision was finally reached that due to mental health concerns, and the impact an office environment would have on my anxiety, I would officially remain working from home indefinitely.

Two points I would like to make. Firstly, the wording of the new agreement for working from home is far from ideal. Talking about it can be reversed at any time etc. But I understand this is a general remote working agreement, and does not specifically address the reasons for my change. So I am happy with that.

Secondly, some I am sure (I could name a few) will ask, why did you take an office job if you don't like working in an office. And to that I say, Oooh Fuuu.... No no, seriously.
When I took the role I took it because I liked the challenge, and have loved the role ever since. During the 20 years I have done the role, a lot has changed, and I have been through a lot. Ups and downs in mental health, break-ups, losing loved ones etc, so it has been hard to quantify the impact the actual environment has on my well being.  With Covid I was suddenly removed from the toxic environment of an office, and finally able to set myself up the way it suited me, and no one else. 

From Day 1 it started to become apparent that just working alone made such a huge difference to me. Improved moods, better sleep, sharper in my role, not to mention my time keeping was perfect. Strangely the same can't be said for everyone, even when only commuting to the next room, but hey! There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that working from home is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  The extra free time with no commute is a bonus, but the biggest take from it all is my mental health. Apart from the wobble late last year, caused by the indecision of the company and HR being unable to decide if I could stay working from home or not, my mental health has been impeccable, as has my physical health in general too. They go hand in hand, happy mind, healthy body.

So there we have it, I am happy as a pig in shit, working from home, having spent thousands of pounds of my own money making my home office the perfect working environment for me and my little mind. As for the rest of the team. Well, they await their fate, still hanging on to remaining at home, but with the shadow of uncertainly hanging over them every day. A shadow which weighed as much as a mountain when it hung over me. As far as I know, no one else has made their case to remain at home regardless of decision, so I am truly thankfully that I am out of the shadows now. Some believe that now that the company is actively returning to the office in the USA, the UK and Europe will soon follow suit. Whatever happens, I know what my situation is now.

Yours smugly
Michael 

Anyway, thank you for reading. Interesting fact, I only wrote four entries in this blog in 2020 and four on my other blog too. Crazy, only eight blog entries in the year the world went into lockdown ! What was I thinking.

Published on Leave a comment on Sidenote on medications…

I feel it is important to add that this is not my first rodeo coming off SSRI's, and have been in control of it in the past, so I have some experience here, I am not just winging it. Also my decision to come off them is not based on any negative feelings towards the medication. I am fine with any side effects I have experienced as they have always been for the greater good in the short term. That is not to say I have not found them frustrating at times, I really have.

Medication for mental health is a positive thing, which should have no stigma attached to it. It is not shameful or weak in any way to have some chemical assistance with getting yourself back on two feet. Short term or long term, they serve a very important part of controlling mental health issues. That said, they are not a one pill fixes all, and they are not 100% effective, they just assist. The rest of the journey is up to you. 

For me this journey has been a combination of self awareness, medication, counselling, physical activity and surrounding myself with the right kind of people. "Surrounding" might be a bit overkill, given how little I like crowds and people, but having a small circle of people I can trust, rely on and talk to has been a big part too. 

Self awareness is massive, as it is really important to know how you are feeling, what is triggering any sort of wobble, and what you can do to help with it.  For me unplanned excursions and events are horrible, and made even worse if there are lots of people. Planning makes me feel in control and safe, even if the situation gets busy. Over the past months I have realised that focusing on what is right near me, and not further afield makes things easier. Not seeing a massive crowd, just the six people in closest proximity to me. They are the only ones I can influence in any way, so no point looking further. Using this method I have been in situations I would have otherwise melted down in.
Self awareness also helps you realise when you are starting to feel like you can fly solo, like I do now, and indicate a good time to fix into a routine, and see if you are ready to reduce medication.

Physical activity is another massive part for me. Being able to exercise, get the heart up, block out my surroundings, and just run or ride free. Or as has been the case for the past week for me, walk. Not being able to run or ride right now is horrible, especially at such a key point in it all. But I know I can get back to it soon, so am staying positive. However in general, when I ride or run, I am free. Not bothered very much by the people around me, and able to open my mind up a little. Think clearly, while being distracted by my surroundings, and giving me other things to think about. 
I should add that photography is also part of this process, and taking pictures not only gives me memories to save, but also keeps the mind alert, distracted from my own thoughts. It gives a much greater appreciation of what is all around us, and seeing more feels like my mind is slowing down to a gentle pace, no longer frantic with the worries of the world.

Counselling is very hit and miss. In the long run the CBT I did this time was worth it, but not for the reasons it should have been. My reaction to it this time was to push back against the process, and made me determined to find my own way out of the hole. It was not helped by being off sick at the time and having all the WFH stuff going on too, just to be open about it. Talking in general is very helpful. Having people to talk AT, and just blabber it all out til it makes sense to you can make a difference (Sorry Jason, Matthew and Scott lol)
The way my mind works, is by saying it, I process it. If I just think something, it remains in the whirlwind that is my thought process. Only when I spit it out from there, into a reality, be it spoken or written, can I finally get to grips with it. Imagine all your washing in the machine, on full spin. You see something orange... is it the sock you are looking for? Could be, or it could be something else. It's not til the machine stops you will know, and can do anything about it. Hope that makes sense. That is just how my brain works. 

Then there is the medication. Chances are, at the point where you started taking them, you have no comprehension of what your baseline is, so that is when having people around who know you, and are happy to be honest with you helps. They can't see what is in your mind, but they can tell you how behaviours and mannerisms have changed. From the start, I like to keep a diary, note how my thought processes are changing, and how I feel about triggering activities. Knowing these things will help you understand the impact the medication is having on you, and if it is helping in the way you need it to. It is not meant to numb you until you are better. It is there to help with it all.
For me, I like to think I know when I need that extra bit of help these days. I have done it enough timest o know when I am fighting a losing battle with myself.

For anyone who has never been prescribed or taken any sort of meds for mental health, I say don't be afraid of it, make sure the GP starts you on a low dose, so you can get to grips with any side effects, and at the same time feel the positives. Even within my own circles, I know people who struggle with mental health at times, but feel meds are the enemy or just not neccesary. They are NOT the enemy, but I respect those who travel their journey solo without meds. I have done both, and both have their merits. It is a personal choice, and so long as it is not driven my the stigma of mental health and medication, kudos toy you for your decision.

Published on Leave a comment on Today is a big decision day!

For the past couple of months, as you may know, I have been reducing the dose of my meds. Sertraline, an SSRI, basically works by increasing serotonin levels. It had been a long time for me since I was last on anti depressants / anti anxiety meds, but last summer, with everything going on at work, I needed some help. That came in the form of meds and counselling.

SInce the final decision was made regarding my WFH status etc, I have definitely been in a better place mentally. Over the past few months I have felt a good positive change in my moods, and ability to function in general. These changes are aside from how I already felt being on the meds. Having used SSRI's previously it has always been important to me to document and be consciously aware of how I feel, and any changes. This helps in the decision making process for weaning myself back off the meds when the time is right.

After the WFH decision was made, I started making note of the meds and moods, and after a few weeks started to reduce the dose. I have not been on a high dose at any point this time around, so things were slightly less critical for me. 
I would like to say this was done with the guidance of the GP, but that is not the case for a number of reasons. Primarily I wanted to feel in control of things. If I don't change the prescription dose, I will always have sufficient meds to increase again. Whereas if I do it with the GP, the prescription will change, and if I wobble and feel the need to increase, I would need to speak to the GP again, and getting an appointment would just add stress, making the whole situation feel worse, and defeat the object. 
Anyway, I have retained the normal prescription for now, and slowly lowered the dose. A few weeks at a time on each dose, until I reached this week. 

Now I am at the point where the dose is so low that I can either stop completely, or do one day on one day off so to speak, as the final step. In reality, with the dose this low, it is really only a mental exercise, and any effects would likely be psychosomatic anyway. But nonetheless, it's all about the process and feeling you have done the right thing. The half life of the drug is 24-32 hours, so by doing one on, one off, the levels will remain present, with no sudden drop off for the off day.

Obviously as will all things like this, timing is key. The timing for me on one hand is perfect, and on the other hand, depending how you look at it, couldn't be worse.
Almost a week post surgery, off work for a week. Three weeks out from a long planned trip to Florida, and four weeks out from getting married. So as the timing goes, if I alternate this week and next, I will be off meds with a week to go to Florida. Again, two weeks in the sun, away from everything, relax, and unwind. But at the same time quite full on with travel too. Not that a micro dose that I am on would change much about that anyway.

I would of course take the meds with me, although they take a few weeks to kick in properly, at least I would have them if I needed to restart the course.

While writing this (as usually happens) I have had the conversations with myself that I needed to, and pretty much come to a decision, but I am always interested in other peoples opinions and experiences, so feel free to share either. 

What do you think?

Published on Leave a comment on This time tomorrow..

By this time tomorrow another little curve ball adventure of my life will be pretty much over with I can't wait to be done with it. Back in Feb I had a tattoo sleeve started, while I was slow to heal (I am getting old!) I healed well in the end. One small area which had been the last to heal kept scabbing. Assuming it was something to do with the healing I thought nothing of it. However in the last month it started to become a bit of a lump.

Now convinced it was unrelated to the tattoo, and starting to concern me, I booked an appointment with the doctor. The good old "call up at 8am and pray" method. To my surprise I was given an appointment for two hours later at 10am, face to face too!
After a short consult, the doctor said she thought it was OK, but as it shared some signs of a BCC (Basal Cell Carcinoma) she wanted to get it checked out by dermatology, under the two week cancer screening rule. Off I went home, expecting to hear something sooner or later. This was the Monday. On Tuesday morning a letter dropped through the door, with an appointment for the Friday of the same week. WOW!

On the Friday I saw the dermatologist, who examined it, could not be 100% sure of what was going on due to the fact I am one of those stupid people who gets themselves coloured in, so decided it would be better to get it cut out. So treatment and diagnosis in one, as a sample would be sent off for testing. 
Here we are two weeks later, and tomorrow I go into Lewisham Hospital to have it removed.  

Over the past week it has become a little more uncomfortable. Possibly because I am more aware of it, and keep knocking it, but possibly because it is becoming more tender.

When discussing the lump as it was growing, I had said to Ann that if they decided to remove it, the date could be an issue. If it was much later than tomorrow it would still be healing at the end of the month, and that would not fit well with going away to Florida to get married. I never like the idea of travelling with a healing wound. This didn't go down too well, and a few people thought I was nuts for saying I would rather have it done after we got back, than travel while healing. Thankfully the dermatologist completely understood my thoughts, and tried very hard to find an appointment with the right person for the job in time. 

She was even kind enough to comment on the tattoo covering the area, and say it would be a shame to ruin it, so she wanted to get it done by plastics to be sure.  
All that is left to do now is see if I can convince them to let me take a pic or two. It is only a clinic setting as far as I know, not theatre. 

While all this is going on, and with 30 days or so left til we exchange vows (me and Ann, not the dermatologist), I have been experimenting with drugs too!
OK , that sounds wrong, I have been adjusting the dose of my medication. Since I started on Sertraline the dose has never really been that high. Given the original reason for feeling the need for meds was "temporary", waiting on the decision from work about my Work From Home status. I was always confident that unlike previous times on meds, this time would be short lived, and as soon as I got the decision I was waiting on, I would be able to come back off them. 

That decision was made a couple of months ago now, and I have carefully picked my time. Not rushing into dropping the dose, waiting for a baseline to appear again for me, then slowly starting the process. One of the key reasons for starting the drop now has been the problems getting hold of the meds in the first place. For some reason the prescription can only be repeated a few days before the last round of meds runs out. For example, prescription filled 1st Feb, 2 months worth, I am not able to request a repeat until the last week of March with just a few pills left in the pack. 
Ironic getting anxious about running out of meds for anxiety and depression!

By dropping the dose slowly, I am now almost stockpiling, as I have not done it formally through the GP. I want to be in control of the dose for now, and not have it dropped, struggle on a lower dose, then panic about not being able to get a new appointment to have it increased again. 
From a dose of 50mg a day (told you it was low) I first did a few weeks alternating between 25 and 50mg each day. Once levelled out and no strangeness encountered, I have now dropped to 25mg a day. That is half a pill a day. 

Obviously mid way through this process, the whole lump on my arm thing has come about. So if anything was going to cause a wobble, affect my sleep, energy levels of mood, the threat of the C word would be the one. However I am happy to report that I have not struggled at all. In fact my mood has been pretty darn good to be honest. I must admit I have had a few days of not focusing properly, but in general, as you can probably tell by the length of this entry so far, my mind is working well. 

That was always the #1 concern for me. Through everything, the one thing I have always clung to is my mind, and ability to communicate. It is how I cope. By sharing with others, and explaining to the world, and most of the time myself at the same time, how I am feeling, what I am thinking, and how I am coping. When my mind becomes cloudy, my mood really takes a hit. 

There are of course other side effects to be had, the prevalence of which became apparent to me recently when contacted on Twitter about a comment I had made about Sertraline. It seems a large number of people feel very different sexually when taking such medications. I am no exception to this. However it is causing alarm in some circles, especially for those taking them long term. My own experience has been varied over the years, but of course I have not remained on them "long term". A couple of years was the longest period for me, and I can say that I was not affected sexually on that occasion. 

This time around, taking Sertraline rather than Citalopram as I have taken in the past, I can say openly that I have very much been affected, but feel that as the dose is decreasing again, so are the side effects. 
I can also definitely feel a difference physically since dropping the dose.  More energy for running and cycling, getting out of bed earlier in the mornings, and just a better sense of general well-being. 

I should add to this blog, that I was reminded this evening how long it has been since I last wrote anything. A brief conversation with a complete stranger, turning into a chat about mental health reminded me that it was about time I logged some thoughts and info. And it feels good to be doing it too. So thanks for the nudge, you know who you are. 
Conversations with others over the past couple of weeks have also had me thinking again, and I have so much more to write. As ever my thoughts are always with those going through the lows, and I am always here to chat to. Although should add that I hate talking, and WhatsApp is always my go to. 

Now that things are getting exciting and chaotic again for me, I shall make a point of making more entries again. Trying to lighten my load, while sharing my thoughts with others. The more we share, the less alone we feel on the journey. It's good to talk, express yourself, get the frustrations out of your head and into the ether for others to relate to, and offer their thoughts on. 

Right, I will shut up now but as ever, thanks for reading, and watch this space.

Oh, PS, should I do an Instagram account for this blog? Sharing snippets from it, links to new blogs, and the occasional inspirational thought I might have? SnazysMind.... What do you think?

Published on Leave a comment on The life / drug balance.

It is a tough one to get right, that is for sure, and a journey I am currently on. Each time I use anti depressants or other anxiety medication, I reach a point where you feel you are levelling out, and start to have the internal conversation about what percentage of it is you, and how much of it is the meds. Trying to remember what "normal" felt like before your last episode is tough. We all have a perception of how we think we behave, but it is not always the same as what others see in reality. This is why I find it important to have people around me who are not afraid to tell me what they see, rather than what they think I want to hear. 

From my perspective I can make the following observations. 

  • I am sleeping much better than I have for a long time.
  • I dwell on things much less.
  • I feel vacant at times, unable to focus on company.
  • Fatigue is a part of every day, especially when exercising.
  • I feel calmer, and more at one with the world.

These are just the key points I can identify, and the ones which I have to consider when deciding the next step with medication. Some of them are unwanted, others much desired, what I have to do is determine the causes of them, and which I can trade. For example, sleeping better is massive for me, setting me up mentally for a good day. Not laying there over thinking for hours on end is wonderful. Fatigue on the other hand bothers me. Physical exertion which used to feel rewarding is now hard work, nausea inducing, and impossible to achieve the data I used to. 
If the meds are causing both, do I sacrifice sleep for the sake of physical achievement for that short lived dopamine hit? Or do I keep the sleep pattern, and accept that my exertion levels are not what they once were?

Same for not over-thinking things vs feeling vacant. Can those around me accept I might tune out of the conversation, completely unintentionally of course, just because I don't want to over-think things as much as before. Which ironically is what I am probably doing right now, but I feel relaxed about it, and am not constantly thinking about it, so that is OK.

The biggest problem here of course is I am completely in the dark about what effect the meds are actually having, and what the impact of reducing and eventually stopping the Sertraline would be. As I said before, I have been through this process a number of times previously, but am almost completely ignorant to the actual impact. The only thing I can say for sure is I have never come off the meds too soon, and have always maintained a stable level following the reduction and subsequent stopping of the meds. Many happy years have gone by without meds, so I know it is something I am capable of doing, just not at what cost.

One interesting thing is my Garmin Fenix 6X Pro watch. Wearing it all day everyday, it records a number of metrics. Recently as I increased my activity levels again and noticed I was not 100%, I had a look back over the data, and was quite intrigued by what I saw. From a week or so after starting the medication, and again after increasing it, there was a notable drop in fitness status, max HR, max power, running pace etc. All of which I retrospectively put down to general fatigue, and mid activity fatigue. Simply not having the effort to give. Could this be down to the meds?

Chatting to a friend about this over the past week to try and get some outside perspective on it, I think the conclusion I have come to is my mental wellbeing is more important than ego stroking performance stats. If I can still enjoy a good bike ride, just maybe with 10% less effort, whilst getting a good nights sleep and waking mentally and physically ready, then it is a good trade. Finding new limits might take a while, but it is a change I am willing to embrace. Of course, that does not mean I am just going to carry on taking the meds. I have no issue with being on any form of medication, if it offers me an improvement of quality of life, and is required to maintain my state of mind. I have always felt this way about medication. There is a difference between necessary and just the norm.

The plan is to speak to the GP about reducing my dose first, then relying on people around me (as well as my Garmin) to tell me if things are changing, and if it's for the better or worse. As humans we are so adaptable to change, sometimes it is hard to spot the change, and be sure if it was beneficial. If all goes well reducing the dose, I shall remain on that for a while, then try lower or stopping, again with the input from the GP. There is also a second medication I am on, which again is starting to leave me wondering if I can change the dose, as all the indicators are showing that I am doing a lot better than I was before, so it will be an interesting exercise to reduce them both at the same time. Not that they are known to interact.

This time of year is probably the best for me to do an experiment like this. I said back last autumn when I started back on the anxiety meds that I would stay on them for the winter, giving myself time to level out, and get through the tougher time of the year with the cold and darkness, before trying to see how I would do without. I am aware of the impact the seasons can have on my mood, so probably best not to mess around too much.

Hopefully in the next week or two I will speak with the GP and get the ball rolling on this, maybe even be med free for the wedding in August, who knows. There is no rush, and in reality no NEED for change, just a curious mind in need of some answers. 

Let's see how this goes.
Oh and note to self.... Blog more if and when off meds, so I you have something to look back on to see what the non-medicated normal looks and feels like.

Published on Leave a comment on Grateful for a little perspective.

I do a lot of thinking, and a whole bunch of talking, be it on IM, in this blog, or occasionally face to face, but I can't really say I do a lot of thinking about the talking and communicating I do, other than "did I waffle on for too long". However occasionally I get feedback in some way, shape or form. Be it a comment on a blog entry, or in a message chain. I never take for granted anything I have said will have any sort of profound impact on someone, or even that it will make any sense. I do have a tendency to get a little abstract with my way of thinking and talking at times. You might have noticed. 

The one thing I will say is that everything I say or write is always with intention and purpose. Wait... Did I just quote Justin Bieber song titles there!!!
But seriously, I speak from the heart and mind. My aim is never to pretend the world it perfect, or that people are saints. I like to try and find a balance between what someone needs to hear, and the cold hard truth. False hope is cruel, and just prolongs the situation for longer than it needs to. When I write a blog entry I want to share my experiences and journey with others to try and show that life is never smooth. It is filled with highs and lows, challenges and rewards, adversity and opportunity. However you want to phrase it, it's just not simple. My hope is that people will come away from an interaction with me in any form with a little strength and courage to carry on down the road, knowing better times are ahead, and that we can all overcome issues we face in our lives.

Sure we might have to take a different path to the one we hoped to walk, but where there is a will there is a way. I am always so happy and even overwhelmed when I realise that I have made a positive difference to someones life, no matter how tiny. Over the years I have heard from people from all sorts of situations and walks of life, saying how a blog post made so much sense, or how their past conversations with me one day made something seem a little less lonely and frightening. 

However, I want to talk about yesterday now. In the morning I headed out for a ride to meet two dear friends in separate locations for coffee and a chat. Long overdue, and just what the doctor ordered.
At around 9.30, while sitting having my first round of coffee and cake for the day in Southwark, I received a message on WhatsApp from a lovely woman I know. Now, first things first, she is a very special little thing, and has been through a lot in her life, so I always check messages ASAP with friends like this. Seeing it was a voice note I was keen to know its content. However it also seemed a little rude to play it out loud while chatting to a friend. So I turned the volume down, and put it up to my ear. Hearing a soft and happy voice, I was relieved it was not anything bad and that she didn't need my help. So I paused it there and carried on with my chat.

A little while later when I left that location, my intention was to listen to it again, however I got caught up finding my next friend en-route to me, and completely forgot. I wasn't until I got home later in the afternoon that I remembered and sat to listen to it. Hearing the first part over again, I smiled hearing her happy voice, and the meaning of the date to her. As the message progressed and became more intentional and personal a wave of emotion washed over me. Something I have to say I am not familiar with at all, but it felt wonderful. I won't go into detail about the message, but will say it was so very personal and touching, and I will be keeping it forever, and listening to it when I feel low. Hearing such appreciation, and such an honest and raw "opinion" (if that's the right word) of how they view me and my life was deeply touching, and meant the world to me.  So thank you so much you wonderful woman, for making me smile from the inside out.  I know it seems a little egotistical to feel that way about someone singing your praises. However it was more about knowing that what I do, say, and write actually matters, and that means the world.

I felt really bad after hearing the message, that I had left it SO long to hear the whole thing, and respond. Here was someone laying it all out there, and paying me such a huge compliment, and I waited all day to even give it the time of day. However, it was only the happiness and feeling of security that the start of the message gave me, that allowed me to leave it that long. Had it been anything else, I would have given it my full attention. That goes for anyone who reaches out to me, you will become my NUMBER ONE priority in your moment of need, just as soon as I get your message. I might not immediately answer a call, I might not see your message straight away, but the second I do, if you need me, you have me. 

 It appears I was on a bit of a roll yesterday, and another thing I had said to someone else also made sense, and they expressed their gratitude for that too so, go me !

So what this blog entry is really about is gratitude. I am thankful for receiving the voice message, and it has renewed my desire to put it all out there, be honest and open about my life, in the hope that my journey resonates with others who can take some comfort from it, or that my openness gives people the confidence to speak to me about other things, things I may not have experienced, but my opinion means something to them. Over the past six months or so I have continued to learn more and more about myself. Acceptance of my limitations, aware of the difference between dreams and goals, and most importantly, what a difference, one person, one conversation, a single moment in time can have on our lives. I love sharing these moments, and my goal in life is to be a part of as many peoples moments as I can. And leave a positive mark on peoples lives whenever we interact.

Thanks for reading.