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Published on Leave a comment on Grateful for a little perspective.

I do a lot of thinking, and a whole bunch of talking, be it on IM, in this blog, or occasionally face to face, but I can't really say I do a lot of thinking about the talking and communicating I do, other than "did I waffle on for too long". However occasionally I get feedback in some way, shape or form. Be it a comment on a blog entry, or in a message chain. I never take for granted anything I have said will have any sort of profound impact on someone, or even that it will make any sense. I do have a tendency to get a little abstract with my way of thinking and talking at times. You might have noticed. 

The one thing I will say is that everything I say or write is always with intention and purpose. Wait... Did I just quote Justin Bieber song titles there!!!
But seriously, I speak from the heart and mind. My aim is never to pretend the world it perfect, or that people are saints. I like to try and find a balance between what someone needs to hear, and the cold hard truth. False hope is cruel, and just prolongs the situation for longer than it needs to. When I write a blog entry I want to share my experiences and journey with others to try and show that life is never smooth. It is filled with highs and lows, challenges and rewards, adversity and opportunity. However you want to phrase it, it's just not simple. My hope is that people will come away from an interaction with me in any form with a little strength and courage to carry on down the road, knowing better times are ahead, and that we can all overcome issues we face in our lives.

Sure we might have to take a different path to the one we hoped to walk, but where there is a will there is a way. I am always so happy and even overwhelmed when I realise that I have made a positive difference to someones life, no matter how tiny. Over the years I have heard from people from all sorts of situations and walks of life, saying how a blog post made so much sense, or how their past conversations with me one day made something seem a little less lonely and frightening. 

However, I want to talk about yesterday now. In the morning I headed out for a ride to meet two dear friends in separate locations for coffee and a chat. Long overdue, and just what the doctor ordered.
At around 9.30, while sitting having my first round of coffee and cake for the day in Southwark, I received a message on WhatsApp from a lovely woman I know. Now, first things first, she is a very special little thing, and has been through a lot in her life, so I always check messages ASAP with friends like this. Seeing it was a voice note I was keen to know its content. However it also seemed a little rude to play it out loud while chatting to a friend. So I turned the volume down, and put it up to my ear. Hearing a soft and happy voice, I was relieved it was not anything bad and that she didn't need my help. So I paused it there and carried on with my chat.

A little while later when I left that location, my intention was to listen to it again, however I got caught up finding my next friend en-route to me, and completely forgot. I wasn't until I got home later in the afternoon that I remembered and sat to listen to it. Hearing the first part over again, I smiled hearing her happy voice, and the meaning of the date to her. As the message progressed and became more intentional and personal a wave of emotion washed over me. Something I have to say I am not familiar with at all, but it felt wonderful. I won't go into detail about the message, but will say it was so very personal and touching, and I will be keeping it forever, and listening to it when I feel low. Hearing such appreciation, and such an honest and raw "opinion" (if that's the right word) of how they view me and my life was deeply touching, and meant the world to me.  So thank you so much you wonderful woman, for making me smile from the inside out.  I know it seems a little egotistical to feel that way about someone singing your praises. However it was more about knowing that what I do, say, and write actually matters, and that means the world.

I felt really bad after hearing the message, that I had left it SO long to hear the whole thing, and respond. Here was someone laying it all out there, and paying me such a huge compliment, and I waited all day to even give it the time of day. However, it was only the happiness and feeling of security that the start of the message gave me, that allowed me to leave it that long. Had it been anything else, I would have given it my full attention. That goes for anyone who reaches out to me, you will become my NUMBER ONE priority in your moment of need, just as soon as I get your message. I might not immediately answer a call, I might not see your message straight away, but the second I do, if you need me, you have me. 

 It appears I was on a bit of a roll yesterday, and another thing I had said to someone else also made sense, and they expressed their gratitude for that too so, go me !

So what this blog entry is really about is gratitude. I am thankful for receiving the voice message, and it has renewed my desire to put it all out there, be honest and open about my life, in the hope that my journey resonates with others who can take some comfort from it, or that my openness gives people the confidence to speak to me about other things, things I may not have experienced, but my opinion means something to them. Over the past six months or so I have continued to learn more and more about myself. Acceptance of my limitations, aware of the difference between dreams and goals, and most importantly, what a difference, one person, one conversation, a single moment in time can have on our lives. I love sharing these moments, and my goal in life is to be a part of as many peoples moments as I can. And leave a positive mark on peoples lives whenever we interact.

Thanks for reading.

Published on Leave a comment on Raw, real and relatable.

So I have just finished watching the Second Chance Podcast interview with Tom Gaymor on YouTube (link below) and can honestly say I am experiencing such a mixture of thoughts and emotions, it's quite strange. It is always amazing to hear other peoples stories in depth, especially when you already have preconceived ideas about them. In Tom's case, I am a long time follower on Twitter, and find a lot of what he says and stands for very relatable. However, on listening to the podcast, my eyes are now open wide with enlightenment and amazement. Life is not a competition, not for a second, however some of the battles Tom has faced put my own into perspective. I am sure Tom would say the same about many other people himself. No two lives are the same, so it is wrong to try and compare, but sometimes you can't help yourself. 

Link to the Podcast here. 
Second Chance, Tom Gaymor

The first part is about Tom's early days in motorsport, an environment which I imagine is character building, and by his own admission sets a high bar for the other parts of life.  Following an accident, Tom begins to struggle with his mental health. Finding things he once considered normal, to know be terrifying challenges. Even the most mundane of situations now creating chaos in his life. I won't go into too much detail, as I would definitely recommend giving it a watch or a listen, but let's just say it is at this point things became very relatable for me. 

Control. This is a word that comes up a lot in the interview, and during my recent CBT I realised played a big role in my day to day life too. To be clear, control in the sense of routine, known outcomes, and forward planning, rather than being a controlling personality who wants everything done their way. 
I think "control" is a good summary of my requirements of situations. I don't like surprises, I like normal.

As I watched I was writing paragraph after paragraph in my head in response to it all, yet as I sit here writing this my head is empty. Usually for me, my thought process is very repetitive, unable to shake a thought or an idea until I do something with it. Either speak to someone or write it down. But for some strange reason, the conversations I was having internally as I watched, seem to have washed away. Almost as if I was speaking with Tom as part of the interview. I don't know, it's a hard one to explain.

I think the most profound part for me was to hear how immediately debilitating the anxiety was. From the instant it took a hold, normal life becomes a thing of the past, and everything you once took for granted disappears in a flash. Everything feels new, scary, and such a big challenge to overcome. Everyone is different, and we will all struggle with different things. I have no idea what part of the brain decides what will suddenly become problematic, but the common theme seems to be social environment. I have never been particularly social or engaging, in Tom's case he was, however we were both somehow left with a feeling of discomfort around people. Regardless of if you are social or more introvert, not being able to mingle with society for even the most simple of things is crippling. The natural instinct is to hide away from it, to avoid it, but in reality this just makes things worse. 

The feeling of not fitting in, isolation or just feeling frantic about what used to be normal should be the alarm bell to get some help and guidance with things, however humans are pretty good at adapting to changes in life. It is not always for the best, but we do it anyway. Once we adapt, we just carry on as normal. And for some this is where the problem can start, not dealing with the underlaying issues can have catastrophic consequences in the long term. For me it was probably a few years before I did anything about my issues. I had just grown familiar with avoidance, and my greatest trick, masking. Masking or acting as Tom put it, is a great defence, building a character front that can appear to be fine. Happy, chatty, engaging, and all the things the world wants you to be. However as soon as you remove yourself from the situation, the exhaustion sets in, and the anxious mind takes over. 

Unable to switch off from all the thoughts going through your mind. Playing situations over and over again. All in the past, but IF ONLY you had said something else. No matter how many times you remind yourself that the past is the past and you cannot change anything, it makes no difference. 
Or on the flip side, preparing for something that has been planned in advance. Catastrophizing it long before it has happened. Thinking through scenarios, how things might (or might not) play out. Before you even get there you have lived the whole event a hundred times, and are ready to go home. 

I was writing notes as the interview went on, highlighting some of the above points that had been discussed, to remind me to include them, when out of the blue Tom mentions writing notes in the same sort of way. OK now it really is getting freakishly relatable. Looking at said notes, it brings me onto the next one I have written down, and the final part I wanted to address. Telling someone. 

The first time you connect with someone in the right way, and are able to tell them what you are going through. Your struggles, and how it makes you feel about yourself and sometimes about others. It is such a moment of empowerment, and in some cases it can happen more than once. Depending who you surround yourself with, there will be certain elements which are more relatable, and therefore easier to be open about with different people. I am lucky to have a tight circle of friends, a great support network, and I am proud to say it works both ways. I think that has probably been one of the most important parts of it. 

Talking about things should be a dialogue, not a monologue. If you just talk, there is no structure, it becomes a wild ramble (a bit like my blogs at times), and can just be a little empty. Being able to relate to the person you are talking to, even if from a totally different walk of life is key. That is my finding anyway. Having spoken to a number of professionals from counsellors to CBT therapists, if you don't connect, it feels pointless, and becomes a bit of a chore. I have had times where I have had more benefit from a coffee with a friend, than a few sessions with a "professional". I don't mean any offence when I say it like that, but it is true. I am sure other people connect better with some of the pros I have spoken to than I did. But if its the wrong person, it is counterproductive and can actually make matters worse.

For quite a few years I worked with the Royal College of General Practitioners in London, as an expert patient. The idea was to work with medical students, and do role play scenarios. They would do a consultation, and I as the patient would present myself in a way similar to how I would to my GP. They would then diagnose and offer treatment or advice. The one thing I always tried to drive home in the debriefs after each consultation was engagement. Taking the time to connect and engage with the patient. Try and form trust, and help the person feel they were being listened to, understood, and most of all were not alone. For some people the GP or therapist may be the only person they will ever try to speak to about their feelings, and the outcome can be tragic in some cases. 

It is all very well saying "talk to someone", but when the reply is "chin up" or "you'll get over it", it is pointless. The same way it can be pointless telling people they should ask how you are twice, once "how are you" and then the "and now how are you really". You will only get asked for help if you are the right person, one they feel comfortable talking to.

It's a fickle thing the mind, and it works in the most mysterious of ways, but one thing anyone who has ever had any sort of battle with anxiety would agree on is you have to want help, before you can start to get back on track. 

I will always share my thoughts and experiences, just in the hope that there may be that one person out there who it resonates with, and they can feel less isolated, know they are not the only one who struggles from time to time, and that there is hope. Your new normal may not be the same as what you are used to, but as long as it makes you comfortable within yourself, and content with every day, you are winning. 

Right, I am rambling now, so that's me done with this rushed entry.
Thanks again Tom for being one of those people willing to peel back the layers, and share his experiences. It is really heart warming to see and hear.
Honorary mention to Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe and their Parenting Hell podcast, which over the past 12 months or so has really explored mental health and anxiety. I would love it if there was a spin off where mental health was discussed even more. Experiences of the well known, but relatable makes a world of difference. 

Published on Leave a comment on Low mood or lazy?

Sitting here this morning, raining outside, got plans later this afternoon, and I am having an internal debate. Do I jump on the trainer for a bit and have a quick Zwift session, or do I take it easy this morning and enjoy my afternoon. I can always go for a ride or have a Zwift tomorrow... Right?

Then the thoughts and questions start. Am I just having a chilled morning, am I being lazy, or do I have a low mood today? If you apply the same to say running, and asthma. As an asthmatic I am familiar with being seriously short of breath and struggling to breathe. However I am also familiar with pushing hard and feeling a shortness of breath which is simply from over exertion. They are not the same, but having a history with asthma creates a moment of worry about what it is. Does that make sense?

When you have a condition, and are regularly affected by it, any sign of symptoms immediately starts an internal conversation about what could be wrong. So today, rather than just saying "I can't be bothered" and brushing it aside, I then have to worry about why I can't be bothered. Then you start to see other signs which may or may not be there, then the anxiety really kicks in and you are now spiralling.. Over a simple decision.

Fixating on what will come next, is this the start of an episode, how bad will it be, what can I do to stop it... That's it... STOP! Take a breath, step back and look at everything one piece at a time. You have worked hard this week, you are a little bit sore still, you want to enjoy your afternoon with your friend. Its fine, you are fine, you are just being sensible and letting yourself rest, and have some downtime. It's the weekend, it's what it's for.

Welcome to the mindset of an anxious person who also deals with depression. Nothing is simple, nothing is straight forward and thought free. Everything you do is filled with continuous internal dialogue, so the easiest thing to do is nothing. No people, no activities, just NO!

Aaah, that's better. Get the thoughts out of your head, slow the frantic thought process down by writing it down. Hearing it as you say or write it, finding the weaknesses in the argument, and seeing the rational viewpoint. Calming down, breathing easier, heart rate slowing, feeling at peace again.

Having these blogs, written in the moment, gives me the ability to look back at similar thoughts and moments, see how they break down, and what the outcomes are. Be able to see it worked out OK, even when I did take the lazy approach for example. Sometimes the best person to talk to is yourself, just the other you. The calm you, the sensible you, and not the version that catastrophes the simplest of things.

I will leave it there, but hope you enjoyed a simple five minutes in my mind.

Published on Leave a comment on It’s official!

As of 8.15 this morning, I officially work from home.... Permanently! With the exception of infrequent meetings at the office, or location based training.

I had a meeting scheduled for 11.30 this morning with HR and my manager already, so was expecting news today at some point. However last night on checking my work email I saw a late email from HR saying they were trying to call me. I emailed an up to date mobile number to them in case they wanted to call then.

This morning I checked my phone and had missed a call from HR. The dread started immediately, and the playing of conversations in my head spun up to speed. Checking my email I saw one from HR saying my manager was off sick, and that HR would try to call me.

The first way my mind played this out was to think that the meeting would be postponed and the decision would not be revealed until all parties were on the call. This is my mind of doom we are talking about here.

Not giving my mind time to run away any further, I called HR back. She said that my manager was off sick at the moment and they had decided to postpone the meeting until he was back in the business.. The voices were loud... "I KNEW IT!" However she went on to add that she did have news and wanted to let me know that I would be working from home, permanently from here on in.

A meeting is still needed to formalise all of this and sort out the finer details. Notice for meeting at location etc. Not to mention any provision the company might make for my arrangement. So I still have a few hoops to jump through, but the main flaming one is done.

I guess at this point I am meant to feel some sort of emotion, however I feel nothing much right now, with exception of course to feeling like my anxiety has packed up and gone away. Most of it anyway. It is a relief, a weight has certainly been lifted, but there is no joy, exhilaration, or anything like that. Not yet anyway.

Now hopefully I can focus more on my own well-being.

Phew, that's better.

Thank you to everyone who has played a role in this. From advice, to counselling, general support, and of course for those in the business for getting everything done. It hasn't been an easy road at all, but now we are here I can see that every action has its part to play.

Published on Leave a comment on It’s the final countdown…

If you can hear the 1986 rock hit by Europe in your head right now, you are not alone!

EUROPE's "The Final Countdown" Video Surpasses One Billion Views On YouTube - "We're Sure We Have Annoyed A Few People Along The Way" - BraveWords

Yup, as I sit here writing this, I can hear the guitar solo now, and it sounds epic.

Anyway, back to what I came here for. The clock is ticking down now on the meeting that could change a lot for me. Something I have worked towards since about six months into the Covid pandemic. From the first couple of weeks working at home, it quickly became a dream to stay working this way. Not because of travelling, I kinda liked my commute on the bike. Gave me headspace, fresh air (kinda anyway) and much needed exercise. Nor was it the appeal of being off the radar so to speak. I have no issue being held to account for my actions and productivity.

If I had to sum it up in one word, I would say the biggest problem was "people". Frequent readers will know how I feel about people in general, the less of them around, the better for my brain. I was reminded of that only yesterday with a trip to IKEA. Finding myself occasionally stepping aside into a corner to let groups of people past, as I was aware I was getting uncomfortable about it. 

This is one of the many things I have learned about myself over the past few years. Rather than staying in the thick of it, sometimes it's nice to just get out of the way, and let the madness pass. If I get off a busy train I do the same. Stand against a wall until the wave of people has passed, and then carry on. Difference is, working in an office, they just don't go away. They are there all day, and regardless of your mindset, you are stuck with it. Some days are better than others, but all days are exhausting.

Over the past three years I have become very comfortable with not having to deal with that environment, and for the past two and a half years I have worked hard to make my case for remaining working from home. I know the majority of the group would also prefer to work from home permanently, with one or two exceptions I am not sure about. However as time has gone on, the group case, and MY case have taken separate paths, to the point where I occasionally enquire about the group case, but with far less interest. 

Conversations have taken place time and again. Some people being hopeful and positive, others siding with the doom and gloom of it being inevitable that we will return to the office. The sheer lack of voices when it came to having a say and making the case was enough for me to go my own way, rather than be a part of something that had no momentum. Of course, regardless of this lack of enthusiasm by the group, I do hope everyone gets what they deserve... Or should that be hoping for? You decide. 

For the last year, I have discussed my case with numerous people in the company, eventually finding the core of people who I needed to speak to to try and get things sorted. Doctors, counsellors, occupational therapist, managers, HR and so on. I won't go on about it as the previous blogs have done all the detail and moaning already, but it has all come to THIS!

11.30 on Wednesday 15th I have a meeting with my manager and HR to "finalise" the arrangement.
Take that phrase any way you want, I have no idea of what exactly to expect, but obviously I am siding with positivity for my sanity sake. I think shortly after that time, all being well I will post a little update blog with what I have been told, and hopefully draw a thick black line under it all. 
I am of course aware that it could go a number of ways, and not all of the variations end with me having cake and eating it. But, like I say, I can hope!

So, with 80's rock blasting in my office, I will leave you with that... Here's to midday on the 15th, and knowing the nitty gritty. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Why can’t I sleep?

C'mon, cut me some frickin slack brain!
Months in the making, the meeting and decision I have been waiting for is just around the corner, and yet I still can't sleep. I am not over-thinking what will happen in the meeting, much to my surprise. Instead I just have an over active mind that just refuses to shut up and let me sleep. 

Anything and everything is fair game. These are not thoughts full of dread and fear of anything. Just.... thoughts! It makes no sense to me at all.
Granted sleep has aways been the enemy, but still.

Maybe it is because at the moment I feel I have less to worry about that I am simply more aware of some of the utter rubbish that goes through my mind at night. Whatever it is, right now I am so very aware that I struggle to get off to sleep at night. Although it has to be said, if I wake during the night, I can get back off to sleep again much better at the moment. Maybe I am just being greedy and wanting too much from life lol. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on We have movement!

In the name of fairness, I thought it only fair to say that this afternoon has been positive, and I have received word from my manager and HR that we are to have a Teams meeting on Wednesday of next week to discuss things going forwards.

I expressed my concern about the sound of this, and that it made me feel on edge, as if I was in trouble or something. However I was assured by my manager and subsequently by a senior HR that there was nothing to be worried about. My manager went as far as to say that there was nothing to worry about and just waiting on HR to confirm I can continue WFH, so hopefully good news.

Sounds positive for sure, but I won't start counting my chickens just yet. 

As I am writing this I have just had an email from a more senior HR, so will check what that says... Hold tight!

Interesting..
Choice wording, "a meeting has been scheduled for you to finalise the situation with your work arrangements"

Sounds even more promising. But let's wait and see. 

Thanks for staying up to speed with this wonderful matter. Keep it all crossed and I will update as soon as I know something. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Dismissive of my own well-being.

I have just penned a draft of a letter to work, making a formal complaint about the way matters relating to my mental health are being handled, and as I read back through it I realised something.

While I was writing it I was trying to find the right words to express my feelings on the matter. Words that carried the right weight, and conveyed the right message. However on reading it back, I could feel the emotion of each word bubbling away inside of me. I was not crafting a strongly worded letter, I was saying how I was feeling.

On the realisation of that, I did a quick assessment of how I am feeling right now, and discovered that I am actually nowhere near as OK as I am trying to show I am. On the surface all is well, the mask is in place, the stuff upper lip holding firm. But below the surface, I can feel myself shrinking away. Becoming more and more affected by being ignored, feeling worthless, and losing all my motivation and energy.

Sure the weather isn't helping much, and not being able to get out and blow off some steam isn't ideal, but as a whole, I feel mentally drained. Something that even shows in my Garmin metrics. Sleep poor, body battery poor, resting HR elevated, stress higher than normal. And all because I can't get my HR to take my seriously and deal with my situation once and for all.

When you think mental health, you should also think urgency. When a situation becomes so dire that the person waiting on a decision needs to start taking medication, alarm bells should start to ring. Once all the facts and reports are in place, it becomes a mere formality to tick some boxes, and make a decision. Such a decision should take a matter of weeks of all parties are available to discuss.

Once that matter spills over into months it becomes out of control, and is either misunderstood, or beyond the remit of the person charged with the responsibility of the decision. That, or a matter of laziness and ignorance to mental health.

When this carries on to a point where it has been almost EIGHT MONTHS since all the details were in place, it becomes something far more serious. Either a calculated attempt to brush the matter aside and hope it goes away. Ignorance is bliss, they will go away if I ignore them long enough. ORa display of complete inability to deal with the matter. Either way it is a complete and utter failure internally by a department to deal with a mental health matter with the urgency and compassion required.

If you are the person on the receiving end of this treatment, depending on the fragility of your state of mind, this could be utterly devastating. For a very vulnerable person to feel ignored, belittled and worthless, this could literally be a matter of life of death. The decision you are waiting on could shape your whole future, will you have a job, can you pay your rent, can you afford to live..... Do you want to live?

Thankfully I am not of the mindset to end my life. However, sadly there have been cases in recent years where colleagues have done just this. Not I might add because of direct failings of HR, but none the less we have had the completely mentally vulnerable working with us, so who is to tell who that next person is, or what will be the straw that pushes them too far?

I am now left gathering myself up, and trying to find some get up and go before I spiral further down into depression and a feeling of self loathing. A feeling I am all to familiar with. This time of year usually sees me flourishing, instead I am curling up, and not even wanting to get out of bed. Hopefully I will hear something soon, but I am growing tired and impatient now, and quite frankly becoming disappointed with myself for being so understanding and patient.

Published on Leave a comment on Getting things straight while I wait.

Following on from yesterdays frustrations, I thought I would put my thoughts down here, as I have all along through this process. Yesterdays interaction was counter-productive, and I have to say had a horrible impact on my state of mind. Something I have long tried to avoid, but the situation yesterday felt so dire that it put me into a bit of a tailspin. Last nights sleep was poor, and today I feel a bit twitchy and edgy while I wait to hear back from any one of the parties involved. 

Going back through the timeline of all this, and making notes for my reference, I feel even more annoyed about it all now, than I did yesterday. 

In May 2021 I first started conversations with HR about the road ahead. Highlighting how different my life had become since lockdown, and how it felt almost impossible to return to that way of working, knowing my mental health would suffer for it. Initial responses were good, but at that point we were a long way from getting back to an office, let alone normal lives, so it is easy to say.

At this time I also started a series of blog entries expressing how I was feeling, and what my dream of the future was for work. Life was now so different, and I felt like a new man. 

By May 2022, as the world started to get back up to speed, and everyone started to find out what the new normal was for them, I waited. With the company still working on their new hybrid working scheme, no one knew which work groups would end up with different arrangements. Around this time we were informed there were three groups, office, hybrid and remote. Until now we had been remote throughout Covid, and with no short fallings in our work flow. Proving we were an effective team working remotely. Remembering of course that our role is a remote one regardless of if we are in an office or not, as our workforce is nationwide. 

With all the chatter and rumours, I reached out to my HR and expressed my concerns, explained how I felt, and tried to get some clarification on what direction we would go in. Sadly no one had the answers, but I was assured that consideration would be given when the time came. 

Early July 2022, we were told that the decision was imminent, and we would know very soon. Sure enough by the 19th of July we received word, and it was not good.  At this point I forwarded an email to HR which I had pre-written for this exact situation. Knowing my mind would be all over the place, writing would be impossible, so "here's one I made earlier". The next day I received a comprehensive reply, recognising my concerns, and telling me the following...

we will always support anyone with a disability and look at reasonable adjustments. I am not sure if you have been to our occupational health provider previously, but we will need to send you to our occupational health provider to understand if you have a disability and what that disability is and get some professional advice on what we need to know as employers. Once we receive a report back, we can then have a discussion on what is next, but without this we are unable to determine if you will continue to work from home or return to the office.

 

Sounds simple enough, right? A formality and one I completely accepted, and embraced. After all it would be good to get the opinion of an expert on this, so I wasn't to feel like an entitled brat. One was arranged for 16th Aug 2022. While I was waiting on this appointment to come around, growing ever anxious, and it really starting to affect my day to day life, I spoke with my GP. This was on July 27th 2022. At this point she recommended medication and a referral to IAPT. A couple of weeks later I had my Occupational Health appointment, and was told the report would follow shortly. Without going into detail, the report was very supportive and understanding of my situation, and very clear in its intention.

A few days later I received a paper copy of the report, and HR would have received their copy too, via email or post I am not sure. None the less, I received NOTHING back as far as HR was concerned. The report they had requested, and since received got no recognition from them at all. So on the 9th Sept 2022 I emailed my HR and asked for an update and confirmation that they had received the report. Along with an update from my GP, noting I was now on medication due to the anxiety caused by waiting and waiting. The reply was a short and sweet one, and basically told me that I now had a new HR rep, and that it was all being handed over to her. Getting this information I forwarded my last email to her, and introduced myself and my situation. 

I received a reply from the new rep the next morning, saying she would get back to me shortly, and just clarifying the source of my OH report. A few days passed and I had heard nothing, so I followed up with her again, and politely asked for...

Even just an idea of when I can expect a decision to be made about my situation, so I can try and get things under control would be appreciated. 
At this point it has been 3 weeks since the report was sent, and I have heard nothing.. 

I received a reply apologising for the delay, that she had been on leave and was catching up on emails, but had reached out to my line manager for more information. That was the last I heard. From Sept 12th 2022, I didn't hear another word from HR. I occasionally caught up with my manager to try and get updates, but really didn't get anything other than he was waiting on HR to update him. On the 14th of Sept, during a follow up assessment with my GP, my medication was increased and it was recommended that I not work for a while, and I was subsequently signed off sick on Sept 20th.

After seven weeks or so off sick, I returned to work, hopeful that having seen how bad things were getting, the matter would receive some attention and be sped up. I returned to work in early Nov 2022, and once again heard nothing. On the 3rd Jan 2023 I emailed my HR and line manager with a comprehensive timeline of events, long details of what had happened, what I was waiting on and who had said what, along with prodding a bit that the report had been received back in August of 2022. While I received a reply from my manager, the only thing I got from HR was an auto response.

I am out of the office on  29th December to 5th January 2022 with no  access to my emails.  I will respond to your email on my return    

You may note that it says Jan 5th 2022, that should actually read 2023. It is irrelevant though, as I received no reply whatsoever. In fact I heard nothing from HR on the matter until I chased it all up once again on, wait for it, 3rd March 2023. I sent a few emails that day, to various levels of people in the business, all with varying points and requests. Keeping it polite and professional, I asked my HR...

Further to the attached email dated 03/01/23 , I just wondered if you had had a chance to follow up on my PHC report.
It has been quite a while now, and I would really like to get this whole matter wrapped up for the sake of my sanity.
I would appreciate it if you can drop me an email and let me know the current situation.

I received a swift response for which I was grateful.

I have been away from the business and just returned today. I am catching up with emails. I will come back to you  as soon as possible

Within a couple of days I had established via my manager that there was a meeting taking place between himself and HR soon, so I once again emailed HR and asked if we could speak prior to this, so I could ensure all my concerns were being addressed. You may have already seen my blog from yesterday expressing my dismay at the outcome of my conversation, but in case you missed it, I shall summarise.

HR seemed blissfully unaware of who I was, what I did, what issues I faced. Not to mention unsure of the time I had been off sick, the content of the HR report, or what indeed I was even waiting for. Expressing they were not sure a WFH role was ever fully WFH. Having waited since last August, when my case was handed over, my OH report was received and I had ultimately been off sick, it felt like I was insignificant, and it was almost an attempt to  "leave him long enough and he will fuck off". That is truly how it felt, and indeed currently feels. 

Instead of feeling like I have been patient with a process of due course, which ultimately has my health and sanity at its heart, it feels like I am an entitled, pestering arsehole, who is joked about amidst the ranks, and frowned upon. Needless to say that is devastating to my mental state, and no matter how hard I try to deny it, has affected me deeply. 

I am told that meetings are taking place today to discuss the situation, my manager has also expressed frustrations at how long it is all taking. Senior HR are aware of my feelings on the matter, so right now I have done all I can to try and push things along. To my knowledge a senior Ops manager is also involved in todays meeting, although I am unsure if my situation is on his agenda, it is an opportunity to discuss it with someone in a position to make a decision. Senior HR are also involved to a level that the decision can be made from their side too. So in reality, with all those who can, now aware... What exactly am I waiting for now?  This is where my main frustration lays now. 

The longer I wait, the harder it gets to sleep, and function day to day, and I am simply not willing to put my mental and physical health on the line because certain parties simply cannot be bothered to move things along in a timely manner. Should things persist, and no progress be made, I will not hesitate to speak with my GP again. 

I have been told by a number of parties involved in todays meetings that I will hear an update today via email or call. While I don't expect a final decision, I would at least hope that an email will be received as promised. Although I am not going to hold my breath with the above timeline in mind. 

Thank you so much if you have made it to the end of this rant. I really appreciate it.
While I know it is probably frowned upon to openly publish things like this, and employers may not like it, I am using this blog to timestamp and record my feelings in relation to the constant delays in resolving this matter. 

 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Rather fucked off!

Well, I'm still waiting to hear about my situation re WFH following my Occu Health referral last summer. 

I have recently been chasing up on the matter, and going higher up the ladder, which culminated in me having a phone call with my line HR manager just now.

Just as a quick catch up, I will list below the timeline of events so far, a timeline which I emailed to all parties involved back in Jan.

  • 20th July I emailed to raise the issue of my anxiety relating to the return to the office. A number of exchanges were had, and I was advised to speak to my GP and arrange an appointment with PHC.
  • 27th July I spoke with my GP and was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. I was prescribed anxiety medication, and referred for CBT. A follow up appointment 2 weeks later was made. 
  • 10th Aug I had a GP review, and my medication was increased due to no improvement.
  • 16th Aug I had a phone assessment with PHC
  • 19th Aug Report from PHC received by all parties via email. 
  • 8th Sept CBT started with mental health team.
  • 12th Sept Follow up appointment with GP, and signed off until 4th Oct (first week self cert)
  • 4th Oct sick certificate extended until 2nd Nov by GP during review.

I think that is a pretty good summary for anyone to make a start from.

Unfortunately the call I just had filled me with nothing more than dread and despair. The HR manager was not really up to speed with my situation, history with anxiety, journey through this matter as listed above, nor much else about me to be honest. Checking with me the dates I was off sick, what my diagnosis was, what my job title was, and what "persona" had been allocated to my role. A phrase I was unfamiliar with, but understand it to mean office/hybrid/remote.

It is nothing personal of course, but incredibly frustrating to have a conversation with one of the links in the chair, and to discover that they have pretty much no idea what you are talking about. I have gone from speaking with other parties and feeling confident that we are getting somewhere, to feeling that I am asking a bit much, and it is unlikely that I will get a favourable outcome.  

She did have recollection of talking to the manager about the group decision, but there was very little more said on that. The outcome was basically that she will speak with my manager about it tomorrow, and get back to me with an email update tomorrow. I did have a whole list of questions I wanted to ask all written down in front of me, but firstly didn't really get the chance to say much other than answer her questions, nor have much faith that they would get any kind of answer. I tried with a couple, asking who makes the decision, and a time scale, but the replies were open and a bit empty. The decision will be made by..... I don't really know, it depends what your manager says, I will speak to him about it.

So that just makes it sound like NO conversation has taken place between any parties since the initial PHC referral, which given it was about 8 months ago now, is both disappointing and fuckin outrageous! How can we be this far into the matter, with a full medical report written by Occupational Health, a full timeline supplied by me numerous times, a whole chain of emails going back almost two years talking about this, and there being seemingly absolutely NO knowledge or progress on the matter?

I am currently sitting here going through a whole range of thoughts and emotions about it all, none of which are very positive. I do however fall back on my decision about all this, and that regardless of outcome, I will not go back to a toxic and negative environment. 

I started today feeling pretty happy and chipper, maybe a little anxious about the call taking place. A simple 10 min phone call has wiped out most of the positivity I had, and left me further back the process than I started the day with. It feels like I am starting all over again now. All I can do is wait to see what the email update from HR says tomorrow, and go from there. 

PS, I am not in a bad place mentally, just really annoyed and upset by the call.