Weird start eh, but it comes from the title of the documentary I just coincidentally watched before writing this. A story about the DJ/Artist Avicii who while seeming to live an amazing life, struggled with his identity, which ultimately cost him his life, and his family and friends a loved one.

Now I am not going to start drawing direct parallels here, as that would be disrespectful and inaccurate, however I can relate, and I will loop back around to that in a bit. But for now, I will get started on the blog I initially intended on writing.

A long, long time ago, nice years to be precise, I finally came out of a slump I had been going through. For the first time in a long time I found myself single, lonely and very confused about who I was, and what I was to others. The irony of the reminder of this coming from Facebook is not lost on me.

In 2015 a long term relationship ended. It was always going to happen, and that was genuinely not the cause of my sadness and depression. It was more what was going on around me. Looking on my Facebook I had hundreds of friends and connections I had made over the previous decade or so, but didn’t seem to be much of an outreach of support from many. Those I did speak to just confused me further, with the same old toxic bullshit you usually head around break-ups.

Then there were others who just caused confusion and damage to the new relationships I was forming. Starting rumours, spreading lies, and just telling me things that just led to more bad feelings. Eventually one evening, while feeling particularly shitty I decided enough was enough.

500 friends on Facebook, barely 5 who knew me properly, let alone cared enough to reach out and be supportive. Why do I need this in my life. So late in 2015 I posted a dying swan post, saying I was taking some time out, deleting all my “friends” from Facebook and would hopefully come back stronger and more prepared for the world. After that point there was medication, time off sick, counselling and a lot more. Eventually around this date in 2016 I decided it was time to reconnect with a few people, so I reactivated my account, posted I was back online, and reminded people of what I had said previously.

I would NOT be re-adding people, sending out invites etc, instead I would let others add me. Not to be arrogant, but in fact to be genuine. Let’s be honest, how many times have you had a friend/follow request from someone you either barely know, or really couldn’t care less about, and just pressed accept for an easy life. I didn’t want to be that “friend”.

Unsurprisingly the requests came in thin and slow, but that is OK. It takes a while to notice someone is active, I respect the consideration given before adding me, and I felt truly grateful for each person who made that decision that they wanted to be in contact with me. There were no goals here other than only to connect with people who had a genuine interest in me as a person, and wanted to be connected.

I must admit, I did browse people who I thought might have added me, only to see they had thousands of “friends”, and decided I wasn’t really missing much at all. People come and go, but true friends….. They are generally in it for the long haul.

Around this time I started to realise the true value of friendship, and how they do not always come from spending the most time with people, having the most in common, or any other common belief of what friendship is. They actually come from people being decent human beings, and sharing at least a single interest with you, and maybe, just  maybe being cut from the same cloth,

The four people in my life who I consider true friends all share a common strand with me, and that is being humble. Regardless of our roots, regardless of where we are in life now, we are all humble people. Our focus is on others, our intent is good, and our reward…. Simple, seeing another human being thrive and smile. There is NO greater reward.

Aaaannnyway…. 9 years ago today (roughly) I started my comeback. I wanted to be my authentic self. I was no longer tied to the constraints of who others believed I was, or expected me to be, I was me. I’m Michael!

So watching the Avicii documentary “I’m Tim” today just struck a chord. Seeing someone go from a confusing childhood where they struggled to form their identity, to reinvent themselves as a new persona (Avicii / Snazy) only to find a world demanding things of them to the point where their happiness became misery and the cause of all their problems was really relatable. The problem is there, in that moment, all those around you who want something from this persona are not willing to allow you to acknowledge your misery, as they would lose something, so everyone just perpetuates the lie.

Eventually, when the world falls apart around you, you have time and space to take stock, and if you are really lucky you realise what has been happening, and create some separation from it all. That is not to say that the ghost of the persona will not haunt you for a long time. Ironically, the domain name of this blog is that of my past persona, But I use that now as a reminder that Snazy will forever be the name for my poor mental health era. That is not to say I see it as a negative name, so if you use it when you speak to me, that is absolutely 100% OK with me. It is a nickname to many, and only a persona to some. There IS a difference.

Sadly for Avicii, all the money in the world was not enough to help him back to being Tim again, and his road ended prematurely. A great loss for many people, and I do not mean those who expected and demanded music from him. But those who knew Tim as a person, a friend or a family member.

Since Jan 2016 I have been through many phases, a few ups and downs with my mental health, but they have just come about naturally, and not because of pressures and expectations from others. Social media believe it or not has taken a back seat, and I prefer now to be a passive contributor, rather than some sort of active person people will then pretend to know and relate to.

Reading back through years of blogs, it is crazy to see how many times external influences have created such a bad situation, that I have spiralled to the point of anxiety and depression, and my main goal these days is to never let this happen to me again. I refuse to let people too close to me anymore. I won’t say I don’t trust people anymore, as truth be told I have never really trusted people too much. As I have always told others not to trust me.

Manipulation is human nature, and something I am quite good at myself, so I would be foolish not to expect it from others too. So that has always been my outlook. I take calculated risks, and as a recent one has proven, always be willing to lose whatever you give, expect nothing in return even if it is due.

What I am getting at here is, after nine years of coming back from the brink, I finally think I like myself, and have slowly grown some self respect back. I don’t need others approval, I don’t desire admiration from afar… I’m Michael, take me or leave me, I couldn’t care less either way.

Everyone close to me will get the same levels of respect and attention, anyone outside will get the colder more calculated me. No ill intent, just matter of fact. I don’t wish harm on anyone, but I do wish well to those genuine individuals out there who find it in their lives and their hearts to take a moment to offer kindness and support to someone they have no NEED to, but simply choose to.

Take a little look inside at yourself, and ask yourself, would you help someone you barely know, with no offer of reward other than feeling good about what you just did? Be honest with yourself here. I am not judging, it is a tough thing to do, especially in todays world of mistrust and fakery.

Right, I am off to relax and be my authentic self for a bit. Share this on social media, then check in on some friends. Did your phone just buzz/bleep? 😉