There, I said it, and I think I am right about it too. Right about thinking it, not right about actually feeling that way. It seems any time I am spoken to about something, given a nudge or bit of advice, it feels like the biggest telling off in the world. I would say I feel like I am back at school and getting told off in front of the class, but firstly I was never told off at school, and secondly it is hardly a public flogging.
It is always done discreetly, and with respect. Never harshly, never in a non professional way, but the words echo around inside my head for hours after, and every action I take seems to be over-thought. As I said in my previous post moments ago, for some reason the echo of the words of advice stamp all over anything else going on in my head.
What I need to take into account is I am still learning, it is still early days, and I have only scratched the surface of the things I can expect to come across. My level of experience is barely “beginner”, yet for some reason I expect myself to have all the knowledge under the sun, and hold myself to a much higher standard than I think anyone else is actually doing. But I think if this blog has shown, it is a behaviour I excel at.
Interestingly as I am writing this, something has just come up in the room that has everyone querying it. Which is one of those things that for some reason helps, and centres me a bit, making me realise regardless of the level of experience in this place, there is always something that comes up that stops everyone in their tracks. Turns out we are all human after all, and I guess I am not the only one that feels this way at times.
If I was NOT feeling this way I guess it would be more of an issue. I think the bit that really bothers me the most is the repetitiveness of it. I am going to put it down to muscle memory from training, and the fact that not all scenarios can be recreated in training, and the way I practised over 12 weeks is the way I keep doing it at the moment. The best thing I can think of doing is trying to retrain my brain by being methodical about it until the right way becomes the muscle memory.
A little self compassion, and a touch of slack for a while is what is needed here, and that way hopefully I can stop overloading myself with self doubt. Hopefully that in turn will lead to me giving myself the credit I deserve where appropriate.
Right, I am done with beating myself up, for tonight at least.