Well its been a few days since my last entry. Been in a funny place the past few days. Not quite sure where or why, but not a good place either way. Eating too much, and lacking enthusiasm have been the main things.

Anyway today I realised one of the things that's been eating away at me, and that has been the secrets that I have been keeping. Mum not knowing that I told my aunt about her cancer, and also not telling mum that my aunt had also told me she had a lump too. So after thirty seconds of thought I decided the time was right to come clean.

With mum feeling a lot better, and having recently been fitted with her prosthesis, I felt that she had sort of reached the end of this journey, and as she is re charging and finding her step again, I thought what the hell. Sitting her down I opened with… "Joan is ill" Which in itself is no revelation, as she has been off her food recently, but there was more to tell.

A few minutes later mum was sitting in quite a shocked state. We talked a little more, just so I knew she was ok. Then I gave her some time, reassuring her I was there if she wanted to talk.

Returning an hour later she looked much happier, and told me she had called Joan back and told her she knew that I had told Joan about mum. With that Joan told mum she was ill too.
Mum went on to tell me more that I didn't know, such as Joan had now seen a doctor, who has confirmed it IS cancer now. So todays news is, mum AND my aunt now have breast cancer. Sadly 200 miles apart, but that's something I plan on changing if I can.

Now that mum has been through the journey, and Joan is just at the start, who better to be there for you than a family member who has been through it all recently. The tough part is now getting mum to travel up to see her. I say tough, in theory its a no brainer. I can drive her NOW if she agrees to go up there. But this is mum, and nothing is ever that simple.

Joan has had her options given to her, and one the options is of course surgery. I'm her case she has been told that she may stay in longer as she has no one at home for her. Cue mum… With her recent experiences, who better to be at home for Joan, and what better reason to go and see her than making sure she can be out of the hospital sooner (having someone at home).

So that is the conversation at the moment. With Joan being off her food, and mum coaching her with what to eat. As well as being someone to talk to about the whole situation. Being living proof that there IS something that can be done about the situation. Joan is a fair few years mums senior, but there is hope. And while there is hope, its my job so to speak, to make sure they are both doing the right thing.

So I'm not sure if the stress level just went up or down, but a part of me feels better that its all out in the open now. I would really love mum to get up there asap, I.e tomorrow. If its not that soon, I would dearly love it to be before I go on holiday. So that's my mission.

Fingers crossed mum sees sense.

Right in done for now, more later maybe.
Thanks for reading.

PS fingers crossed please that Aunty Joan agrees to surgery, AND that mum agrees to go up there soon.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Dark evenings and grey days draw in, yet nature throws up this little explosion of colours just at the right time.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

A week on it is nice to see that this story has not gone away, locally at least.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

I have to say I pity anyone out there today. Pouring with rain, chilly, and then TRAFFIC!

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Well here we go again. Another 100 year old house, another basement full of concrete where the developers screwed up.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Sorry I just had to make a quick entry to put my mind at rest.

What is it with some people and their levels of selfishness? Is there no getting through to these people at times that there are more important people, things and matters in this world than their own stupid, self created, petty little problems.

I mean FFS, when someone is so wrapped up in themselves that they fail to realise they are being so damned ignorant to your feelings and emotions, what are you supposed to do?

I am an open minded guy, one with a big heart and more time for other than myself most of the time. If counselling has taught me one thing, its that you can't help everyone all of the time, and you can't help anyone if you can't help yourself.

So you know what….. Bollox selfish people, for now, go find another mug, or deal with your own shit for once!

Night night fair world

X

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

For a long time now I have thought this to be a disgusting and disturbing idea.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Ok a stone at least.
Today I left my session with Peter not only with positive thoughts, but also a physical reminder for me to THINK!

Today's session was a real eye opener, and probably the most effective session to date. After a few minutes of chatting and starting the session, hearing what I was saying, I started to realise that change is happening without me even being aware of it.

Talking things through, reflecting on how things are changing for me right now, and how my attitude towards things, it all starts to become a little more obvious to me what I do right and wrong during a normal day. From anger and frustration towards selfish arseholes blocking my driveway, to how I react to being cut up, or someone cutting in in traffic, its all about being aware of the emotions that are being invoked, and how I choose to work with them, deal with them and vent them.

One revelation that arose from today's session was, how I treat anger and sadness in a very similar way. The process of feeling them both is almost identical, however I manage anger in a better way, if that's the right way of looking at it. From trigger, emotional reaction, and expression, right through to resolution. Anger for me goes through all the motions. And while dealt with badly at times, it reaches its conclusion. Where as sadness just seems to stall at expression, or maybe even before at the reaction stage.

Never concluding an emotional cycle seems to be where I trip up, and rather than being a 100 metre sprint, it becomes a never ending 400 metre loop that just keeps going on and on. To draw an analogy, running the 100 metres is a straight clear journey with the ending in sight. But running emotions round an oval just goes on forever. Yes we know there is a finishline there somewhere, but where? We keep going, running hoping and praying it will all end soon, but with the line nowhere in sight, we just keep running, tiring out and losing hope and motivation. To me, THIS is sadness.

Anger, a dash, a quick journey, and straight forward.
Sadness right now is the loop, so what I need to do now is find the tail of the 100 metre track, the emotional run off, and find the place I know I can end the cycle when it occurs.
To me, sadness is a deeper, longer process, to taking a longer journey is fine, as long as that line is in sight.

So, that was deep eh! And that's the real me coming out again. Unleashed again into the wild world (sorry about that)

But that's a good thing. Now I have a parallel to draw on, I can maybe start to see why sadness seems to be such a hard emotion to deal with. Am I afraid to cry, no. Am I emotionally detached? Nope. I am more than capable of understanding sadness, and feeling it. But when its something like grief, I seem incapable of seeing it through to its conclusion, which is the problem we have here, hence the sessions with Peter.

On my provisional chat with Peter on the phone before the first session even started I was asked what I felt I needed from the sessions. At this point I said I needed someone to sound off against, a sounding board. Someone to bounce thoughts off, to help me make sense of what I was thinking. 3 weeks later, as we sat in session I said that I felt in control, having known what I needed from the start.

As we talk in the sessions a weird thing happens. I will say something, something relevant, an emotion or a situation. Peter will then repeat it to me with his wording on the matter. Then the weird part happens. I will then take what he has said to me as his own problem, reflect on it and start to break it down, make sense of it and understand it. Helping myself more than anything else.
The exact process that usually occurs with me helping someone else, but somehow as I am replying, I am feeling myself start to understand.

All a little complex I guess, but hell its working.

Right, with all that said, I had better return to the daily grind and get a wiggle on.

So thank you Peter for my thought stone, and today's session. And thank YOU for reading 🙂

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

After struggling about this morning and moaning all afternoon I decided to book in a session with my old physio. Remembering how quickly the symptoms went away once my back had received some attention, I thought it is a small price to pay for comfort and mobility back.

On calling I was pleased to hear I am still on their records over 2 years after my last appointment. Sadly the rather pretty and capable physio Jodie who used to work there, does not any more. Which is a shame as she was fantastic at cracking my back.

So I am booked in for tomorrow afternoon for an assessment and initial session, hopefully the person replacing Jodie will be just as good at deep tissue massage and back cracking (not a technical term I might add) As long as I can turn my head by the time I walk out of their offices I will be happy.

The question on my mind now is, should I splash out on a once monthly deep tissue sports massage to keep my old knackered body loose and ticking over? I'm sure it can't do any harm, but on the flipside, will there be any benefit. Something I may discuss with them tomorrow. Resolution treatment is one thing, but if I can be proactive and prevent these things arising, even better.

So the day is coming to an end now. I have some reading material from the counsellor to go through, details on stress and emotions. So I shall get tucked into that soon. Then its walk the dogs, chill for a bit and try and get a good nights sleep on my aching neck/back.

On another note, day 2 of Protikee diet. Doing fine on it, and looking forwards to the coming days 🙂 Fingers crossed I can stay on track.

Have a great evening all.

Night
®