It makes a change for me to have a truly stress free day, but I think I might have actually managed it today. Or stress free by my standards anyway. I didn’t sleep in late, got up once my body said “ok I’m ready”. Porridge for breakfast, then slowly got ready to walk the dogs.

Once out walking the dogs, I actually appreciated the outdoors and fresh air.

Positive in mind has an amazing effect on the body I have to say. This afternoon I have managed to relax watching some TV, and instead of the usual worries and concerns about everything around me I managed to forget everything for a while and kick back.

Having recently started taking stock of what I have, what I am blessed with and gifted with (aside the great sense of humour and amazing looks), I have started to notice other people around me more. And while it would be wrong to say I pity them, I can honestly say that sometimes “it sucks to be you”. OK so sometimes I’m down on luck, go through rough patches, and other times life seems unbearable. But compared to some others around me, even those who are judged to be the lucky ones… I’m glad I am who I am.

In recent days, weeks I have started to reconnect with myself, and return to my comfort zone. Returning to my old ways, the inner me. I think one of my problems has been, as I have distanced myself from other people, and stopped helping people with their problems and woes, I have resorted to self analysis. Which in anyones books is sure to be a bad thing if you spend too long doing it, and dig too deep.

So for the past few days I have tried to listen more, compare it to my experiences and try to offer a shoulder, some advice, and a friendly ear to anyone needing one.
I have found from all this that I am ready to start trying to get back on my feet. And a part of this process I have decided that getting my book writing back on track is a key part of all this.

Right, back to relaxing, a new week starts in the morning. Fingers crossed the diet will be back on track, and with another counselling session on Tues I’m hoping for a positive week.

Thanks for reading, take care

Sent using BlackBerry®

Or at least that's what I like to tell myself. OK bad start to the day, bad start to the blog really. But a great example of how a single act can start the collapse of a whole house of cards when your mind is a tiny bit fragile.

After much deep thinking last night, with a refreshed and revitalised mind, I managed to sleep well last night, eventually dropping off at about 1.30am. In fact I slept so well last night, that there lays the problem. I overslept. So usually over sleeping to me is a matter of waking up, thinking "oops" or at worst "oh shit" and then getting on with the day, but today… Not the case. The doorbell woke me, so by the time I got up and towards the door I was still sleep-blind so asked my mother to open the door.

Now I don't think I mentioned it here, but mum is deaf and I recently bought her a hearing aid which has changed everything. Sadly she insists on taking it off and putting it on, which the cheap temp one I bought her is useless for, so in short she has managed to break it. She refused to go to the door before fixing it. So blind, I opened the door.. And there was the "we missed you" card 🙁 Damnit.

So now I am sitting in the bath with the Blackberry, writing all this down, while at the same time reflecting on it and seeing how somethings have pissed me off more than normal, and focusing on the good that will come of today.

In a couple of hours I will be sitting in a tattooists chair for another sitting on my tribute tattoo, an appointment I have been looking forwards to. So with that in mind, I will consider getting out of the bath the start of my day and start with a clean sheet.

So thank you for reading, thank you for joining me and the Blackberry in the bath (I didn't drop it, woohoo) and I shall be back in a more positive frame when I start my day again soon.

Have a great day all.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Well, I figured as I had 5 mins spare I would quickly jot down a few points that gets everything back up to date, mainly the whole issue with mum.

Since my last entry she has had 2 surgeries on her cancer. The first was a mastectomy to remove the affected tissue and the tumour. And the second was a corrective procedure following an issue with the drain after the first op.
After her first operation she was rather poorly, displaying the signs of her blood loss episode, so I was keen to get her back to the hospital and get her checked over. This is when it was decided to do a follow up procedure.

I am however happy to report that after the second operation her health has taken a turn for the better, and she is back to being an active and energetic “over 60” year old 🙂
That in turn has given me a little more time to reflect on my own life, hence the counselling being started.

All in all things are looking up for me right now, so im hoping to be able to get back to regular blogging at some point soon.

As for things with my sister. She is pregnant, expecting her 4th this winter. The recent arrival Teyla is in good health and making great progress.
The dogs are as fun and loving as ever of course, with Tuvaaq now being somewhat calmer than he used to be. He is a man now 🙂

And finally the house issues. The kitchen and bathroom are scheduled to be refitted in the coming month or 2, which will cause a nightmare for sorting out somewhere for the dogs to go, and getting mum out of the house when any dusty building work is being carried out. But where there is a will there is a way.
The plot of land nextdoor has recently had planning permission refused for their plans of a 7 flat building. So its still an empty cleared plot of land, leaving me with a big ugly white fence blocking my view of the rest of the street

Right im done, im rambling and I dont like rambling.

Well that’s what my mind and body have been telling me to do for a while now, but today was the day it changed from a thought to a reality. Having considered all sorts of counselling for a long time now, only to dismiss is as something I didn’t need. In the past few weeks I have realised that it would be a positive thing to do, and have taken steps towards making it a reality.

So this morning I, Michael Snasdell faced up to things, and met up with my counsellor, Peter for the first time. Having always been the one who counselled others, this was a real role reversal for me, but I have to say, after just 1 hour, a much needed one.

I have been doing my usual deep thinking recently about the world around me, and trying to identify the triggers that cause me to take an emotional nose dive into, and was quite surprised with that I actually came up with. Some things that I would have expected to be a true burden are actually not factoring too highly, and other things that seem to have just been insignificant seem to really stir some emotion.

Having talked to Peter quite openly about where I am right now mentally, things slowly are starting to fall into place for me. Its not a quick fix, and its certainly not the answer to all my questions of the world around me, but its IS another trigger. I am constantly identifying things in my life that provoke me in any way, so I have a catalogue of things I in some way avoid for the greater good. Mainly people and experiences, not that they are emotional decisions, just more life choices, and areas i prefer to stay away from for ease of life, and so I remain in my comfort zone, and surrounded by all things familiar.

So today I have formed a new opinion, and experienced something quite new to me. Counselling is a positive thing, especially for people as emotionally inward as me. The u-bend of emotion, where everything seems to be building up has been identified. Now I just need some serious emotional plumbing to get everything flowing properly again.

Grief, anger, resentment, and fear are just a few of the things I know are tangled up in that u-bend. The loss of a number of friends over recent years, as well as family members has brought not a single tear to my eye. Reflecting on this today however in calm environment stirred up some of that trapped emotion, and started to cause my head to almost tremble with things trying to break free. I know grief, tears, and an emotional “outburst” is NOT a bad thing, I just feel I need to deal with what is in there, for my own good.

Anger plays its role too, knowing that being the peacekeeper is an important role to play in life, but not to deny to myself that I have feelings on each matter too. That things regardless of how impartial I remain, will affect me with some form of anger or pain. I am after all only human. But like a professional in any role that deals with conflict and confrontation, I know that somewhere there is an outlet that I need to vent it all too. Somewhere other than a blog (sorry guys)
Many professionals have counselling as part of their job, and now I can start to see why.

Resentment, well there is a lot of that floating about out there, with the whole mum being ill issue topping the charts, but closely followed by other family issues, and then of course the inevitable envy of people moving on in the direction I too want to follow, work matters and other little triggers.

And then fear, of course fear. My greatest one being the loss of my mother which I know is coming. Maybe its the uncertainty of the whole thing right now that is chewing me up inside, or maybe I am using the whole experience and journey through the hospital and treatments etc as a mask to hide behind, just to try and shield me from the money shot which is “the passing”. Reading back I have to say I have noticed deflection after deflection from the underlying issue….. My mother is going to die, and there is nothing I can do about it! There, I said it. And I said it only because after talking about it, I accept it now.

I could go on for ages right now, pouring more and more thoughts about it out, but for now, all I really wanted to say was, thank you to Peter for taking this on, and thank you for in one short hour, managing to shake things up just enough for me to start seeing things a little cleared, and start to figure out what direction I need to head in now.
To say I have been blinkered or lost is an understatement.
I now know what it is like for all the people I have spoken with, who I have helped in some way to finally start to see whats going on. I always wondered how a conversation could begin to make someone stronger, how it could act as a catalyst for action, and how my words could affect another persons life. Well, now I do know how that feels. And as a bi-product of all that, I feel better for knowing I have helped others too.

I started out today a little anxious, both about this meeting, and for what lays ahead with work etc. But now, 1 hour later that’s all behind me. Counselling is a positive step, and as for the rest of the day and work, hey its just another day, which I have a lot of control over. Watch out world, here I come.

Back later with a little more reflection.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Cor blimey guvnor, time for a brief update..
Just got back from one of the hospitals with mum. I was a bit confused at first, the doctor called her in, 20-30 mins passed, then he came out and called someone else. While I wondered if she had strolled off somewhere or something, Joan the nurse appeared and asked me to go with her… Uh-oh I thought.

We went into an office where mum was sitting, sat down, and the conversation started. Her regular doctor was not in, and having seen a slightly stronger willed doctor he has reopened the suggestion of surgery for mum. So Joan wanted to sit us both down to talk it over. Mum has been against any form of surgery from the start, although she was also against chemo and radio therapy, but ended up taking the treatments, so this could go the same way. I could see from the look on her face from the start that she was not too impressed at it being brought up again, but she weathered the storm and talked.

The suggestion they are making is to clean up the wound on the right side, which is starting to weep again, and will just get worse and worse, smelly, large and painful for her. It will involve removing a large section of the breast, and require a skin graft due to the loss of area skin. The graft is suggested that it will come from her thigh.

Now naturally she has done more negative thinking about the whole matter than the average human, and feels she knows every possibility, so is a tough one to break.
The nurse and surgeon will be discussing the matter at an inter-departmental meeting on Monday and seeing how they can best approach it. They will also be involving the plastic surgeon in the discussion to see how he wishes to perform the graft. So there are lots of decision and things to talk about before the day can come around.
In the meantime she has to decide if she is ok with going ahead with it, or would rather the messy painful route.

The nurse will call me Monday afternoon to say what they have planned. She has already been deemed fit for surgery by the POPS team at Guys, so there is no delay there. Just got to hope she goes with it now. I know she is scared of the whole matter, but fingers crossed she will be brave and realise its a positive thing, not a bad thing.

This is NOT to remove the tumour, this is just to remove ulcerated tissue from around it to make life a bit more manageable.

So thats the update. Oh the other bit is that she has decided that taking Folic Acid for her other conditions is now a no no, as she read somewhere that Folic Acid can affect SOME tumours, and the hospital could not reassure her enough that she would be unaffected by it. So thats another condition about to get worse again.
Mothers eh ! lol

Well after a few days of moaning about my materialistic phone, its time to face the reality of life once again, and worry about more important things etc.
This morning sees a trip to Guys Hospital in London SE1, mum has 2 appointments there today back to back. A lung function test, and an appointment in Oncology for a check up.
So again, things seem slightly more in perspective now,

The weather outside is crap, got to get on a packed train, which I hate at the best of times, but I both get to ensure mum gets there and back safely, and to see the progress on The Shard too. The Shard being a fascinating modern building being put up next to London Bridge station. So its fun to watch from week to week as it progresses, and it takes my mind off other things.

In the meantime, the Blackberry 9700 still has no data, I have written and posted a letter to their complaints dept at head office, and that is as much as I am going to do now. I’m NOT going to carry it around with me in the hope that someone will phone me and fix it, I’m NOT going to pull the battery 100 times for them to run through little tests. Instead I am going to leave it sitting here, and if by Thursday afternoon its not working, then I will call Orange back, and decide on my next move.

Right, time to get ready for the hospital, hope you have a great day, and thanks once again for reading one of my little rants.

Well, the appointment I have been waiting for, for mum to see the POPS team at Guys has finally come, although not actually a letter, but a phone call. After scheduling it for mid April, I got a call today to say they want her in on Monday instead, as all dept’s have asked for it to be done ASAP. Which comes as quite a relief to me. Sods law says tomorrow we will get a letter saying the Colonoscopy has been set for Monday too lol. (bloody hope not)
So that’s one piece of good news. And also she gets a full once over again on Monday which makes sure her HB and BP are still fine and she is healthy to be at home for now.

The other letter of the day is from my solicitor. The solicitor has been working on my behalf now for about 28 months, acting on the liability case against my employer.
Its been a long journey, but today I got the letter from my solicitor confirming their intention to settle the payment for loss of earnings and for private physio I received following the start of the issue. This draws to a close the whole messy affair, and allows me to finally get on with life as normal. No longer worrying about what appointments or letters need attending to next.

The funny thing about the whole matter is it was almost completely avoidable. But one man on a mission to make life difficult for me has cost the company a huge sum of money, a lot of disruption, and may I add, me a lot of physical pain and discomfort. Sadly, like most cases like this, its me and the company paying for it, not him.

Anyway, that’s me for now.

Oh couple of quick updates.
Mum is in good health and spirit right now. Much better than she was a week ago.
And I am planning my return to the gym on Tuesday, following a successful introduction of my new early rise routine. Cant do Monday as I have a day of appointments with mum etc.

Have a great weekend.

Plan was to get mum to the hospital by train, get her to her Oncology appt, then get into work.

About 30 mins before we were due to leave she told me she could not make it to the hospital as she felt too ill. Having been here before I decided she HAD to go, so suggested drive to the hospital instead. She agreed.

On our arrival there, she was just getting out, and went wobbly. That was enough. I got her back in the car, and ran in to get a nurse. Thankfully I found an amazing Oncology nurse called Sharon. She was fantastic, got a chair, sorted parking out with security and in we went.

Attention was immediate, with doctors and nurses all over the place running bloods etc. A good examination as well as her appointment. She has been sent home now thankfully as her hb and bp are both stable.

This is only a quick entry as she has asked for a burger from the shop for lunch so I'm writing this while waiting lol.

Main thing is she is ok, and been told to hydrate herself properly, and advise of any issues. Next problem is keeping an eye on her all the time, hmmm.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Well I guess at the moment its just a little concerned about how mum is. My sister is round there at the moment, but mum has been grumpy and slow moving all morning. She has been eating which is a good thing, but insists she now cant eat many things (again). Cant eat her usual crackers as her mouth is sore, cant drink orange juice for the same reason. So when I left her she was trying a spag bol (at 11am lol)

A friend just suggested getting some CCTV around the house so I can see what is going on with the house, security and safety wise. Added bonus to this is I can keep an eye on the dogs at the same time. So kills 2 birds with one stone. Lets see what mum’s opinion of that is. If I tell her its just for watching the dogs, im sure she will say less about it.
I will look into the cost of installing it and maybe sourcing it over the weekend. (watch this space)

In other news…..
Im getting on with the Android better than expected and have decided to keep it for the second line. It adds a bit of sparkle, while the Blackberry continues to do the more practical side of things, and keep me in touch with the world. I can see the appeal of the iPhone now, with the fun and trick apps that are available. Although their appeal is short lived.

Or at least it seems like it has been, since I last wrote anything here. In reality, I missed one day lol. How you begin to depend on routine for stability in your daily life eh. Shocking.

Anyway, a quick catch up on everything. Im not sure where to start. Oh I know, mum.
Yesterday, being Monday, the doctors started doing their rounds again, and started looking at what else could be causing mums problems. There is still an internal bleed, and she up until Sunday evening was still having tranfusions. Which I am assuming as they have not found the “leak” yet, must continue until thats resolved.
So you can imagine my suprise when she text to say they were letting her go. A trip to the hospital and a chat with the nurses last night confirmed this, and she was discharged, pending further appointments for investigation. Now call me daft or stupid, but if she is still losing blood, and has been getting topped up every day or 2, then what happens now she is at home, and how long til she needs to go back in for a top up?

The next stage of the investigation is a colonoscopy, but she has to wait to be sent an appointment for that, so I have no idea when that is at all. She does however have an Oncology appointment at Guys tomorrow. Although it remains to be seen if she actually goes or not.

Me on the other hand. Im on a bit of a slippery slope at the moment if the truth be told. Been here before, and am clinging on for dear life right now.
Depression or becoming very introvert is a regular side effect for me when going through something like this, and its that I am fighting right now. Taking a look from the outside I am noticing myself wanting to do less and less, and just looking for the easy ways out.
Yesterday evening was spent listening out for mum, making sure there were no loud thumps, making sure I could hear her cough from time to time, and that she was not calling out for me. Today will be spent torturing myself, wondering if she is ok while I am at work. And so the routine will continue.

I am desperate to get some of my own routine back now, like gym for one. I have a plan to get in better shape and intend on sticking to it, or at least getting back on track with it. Although at the moment I am desperatly lacking the enthusiasm to even pack a bag for the gym, let alone go there. So this week I am trying to establish an early rise routine, walking the dogs early, leaving me time for the gym with no excuses. If I stick to it til Mon, then I can start back at the gym on Mon too. Fingers crossed for me.

Right, time for a breather, might be back later with more steam to blow off.