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To the brother/son I never had…

The first thing I have to say is, I love you like my own flesh and blood, and my feelings honestly run no deeper in my my body than they do for you. For almost ten years now you have truly been a part of my family. Through thick and thin, from near and afar I know you are one of the few true friends who operated with the purest of intentions, and wear your heart on your sleeve always.

We have seen tough times together, confided in one another, and spent some very random, and also some very precious times together, all of which I cherish dearly. Stories of our antics as a group are almost folk-law now, and they will remain forever.

Forgive me as I talk of the past, I guess with the news you have shared I am left grasping at straws, memories, and happy times. Trying to find a smile to hold onto forever. Having had some pretty low times recently, it is as I write this that I actually realise who you really are to me, and how devastated I am to even consider losing someone so very precious from my life, especially so prematurely.

Confused, angry, deeply saddened and sick to the stomach are just a few things I feel as I type, filled with such self pity, and a selfish attitude, so I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. I apologise if my writing this so prematurely causes offence, but I swore not to leave words unspoken to those who I love, and you are most certainly of the inner inner circle of my friends, and one of a handful I truly call my friend.

You are an inspiration to so many, regardless if you know it or not. But anyone who knows of your battle over the years, knows what a true fighter you have been, never giving in, and spending so much time feeling so ill, yet always finding the time to smile, and give others a smile. You always find your way into conversations, through the weirdest of avenues. Time and again there is reason to utter your name, and I promise you, over the coming months and years, your name will be no less spoken.

The day you leave us, may that be so very far in the future, you will leave a hole in my heart impossible to fill. But instead I will fill that space with as many memories and thoughts of you as I can find, so they are safe with me forever, and I will always feel a part of you remains with me.

Having known of the various issues for so long, I suppose you are meant to be prepared for this "we knew it was coming" and all that stuff, but rubbish, no, I refuse to accept that for one second. You may never read this. God only knows you have enough on your plate to deal with right now, rather than listening to the emotional blabberings of a mad man, but I write this to YOU none the less.

I have stood in the sidelines of peoples lives for a while now, watching their days pass, knowing they are unwell and will leave prematurely, but I can honestly say that even with two members of my immediate family diagnosed, nothing could have prepared me for this moment in time. I will wake from every sleep hoping this is just a cruel dream, as I'm sure you will too, but throughout the days I will spend them making a scrapbook in my mind of all we have done.

I could go on forever writing, reminiscing the times we have shared together, but instead I will wrap this up now with a few words from the heart.

You are truly my brother, a deep part of my life and I have so many memories and other things to thank you for. I will never forget you, nor forgive this cruel world for daring to try and take you from us for so long. Your fight will live on with me forever, and you will be the inspirational person for many in the future.
Thank you for blessing me with your friendship, and enriching my life with your trust for so long. My eyes actually burn and start to fill with tears as I write these final words for now, which is an amazing and intense feeling for me, and one I have not felt for so long.

Thank you for being one of the few who have defined me as a person.

My thoughts are with you and your family at this time, and please know that I am only a word away, always by your side, and here for you and your entire family throughout.

I love you, please don't leave us too soom my brother.



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