Ok the very first thing I have to say is 'thank you'. To everyone who took the time to read yesterdays elongated entry, and also to those who chose to text, email, BBM, me, and those who commented too. Its amazing the difference it makes. Just to know someone listens to what you are saying can be like therapy itself. But to get such powerful feedback, from those who have experienced what you are going through, empathise with what is happening, and to have people reach out with support is SO very powerful.
Not one word said to me in any format yesterday went unregistered, and all the passion and comfort in peoples words has impacted me deeply. Added to the openess I had written with, it almost feels like I dug deep into my heart, and pulled out all the pain, and anguish, and replaced it with all the care and love offered by all. So as I said yesterday, my friends, you define me, and quite clearly empower me too. Thank you, sincerely.
So I mention clarity being found, so let me explain. In the midst of all the confusion with everything going on yesterday, the fog almost began to clear. Shortly after getting all that off my chest, I started thinking. Thinking about decisions I need to make, corners I need to turn, life passengers I need to drop off, and most importantly seeing a path starting to appear to the road ahead. While I am not going to leap into anything, and heed the wise words of Lisa (thanks luv) to take baby steps, seeing a way out from the fog is such a positive step for me right now.
Yesterday afternoon a number of things seemed SO serious, and left me in confusion. However if I think about those things now, my reaction is more 'oh that, oh well' Have I spent hours thinking things through, working out plans of how to cope with them? No, not at all in fact. A few brief phonecalls (thank you Noel) and a good night sleep has done the trick really. By late yesterday afternoon despair had been replaced with disregard, and rather than dwelling on things, I was happy to leave them to play themselves out, and have confidence that no matter how messy the outcome, my decisions are good, and from the heart.
By about 3pm yesterday I found myself back to 'bonding' with mum again. Having relaxed conversations with her, tending to her needs with a renewed sense of compassion, rather than a tired sense of duty. Maybe we were both having a good day, or maybe I just feel fresher recently. Peoples calming nature rubbing off on me, a break from the situation, fresh thoughts, and rest! So after lots of talking and making sure she had everything she needed, I decided to give the dogs an extra walk. Usually I walk the dogs for 60-90 mins at a time, and while people say fresh air does you good, and clears the mind.... Au contrair mon ami. For me walking just opens up the pandora's box of troubles and woes. The entire walk will be spent in silent dialogue with myself, running and re-running scenarios in my mind until I am 10% madder than I was before leaving home.
But again, yesterday was different. Reflection of a different kind was allowed for, and I spent a pleasant hour and a half walking with relaxed dogs, thinking about days gone by. Distant memories, and newly made ones too. Allowing them to influence my feelings and emotions. While all the time suddenly appreciating them for their full value. Realising how truly blessed I am to have certain people around me, gifted with a wealth of experience, or a plethora of blissful ignorance to the problems I face in life.
You might be able to tell by now, given the choice of words, the difference in tone, and maybe a slight element of positivity, that things today feel a world apart from yesterday. I find myself joking with people, engaging in conversation I would normally shy from, and daring to look a decision straight in the eye. Heck, I can even remember all the bills I have forgotten to pay this week while my head has been in a dark place. For me that's HUGE!
So now to turn it around. Yesterdays responses of all mediums were emotive to say the least, but some seemed to share a common ground. Maybe I gave the impression that my life is full and that coping with any more emotions, regardless of their relation to me is impossible. But no I say, the inn keeper says there IS room here, and other peoples worries, gripes, anguish and upsets actually keep my fire burning. You see, the same way reading this all is making an element of sense to some of you, relating to it, learning from it and even growing from it, well the same applies to me.
I have spent my life helping people, and I say that in the most humble of ways. Always honoured to have been trusted with the closeness and letting them feel they can confide in me. From people I have just met, to age old friends. I seem to be the person people can reach out to, who people bounce their ideas off, and ultimatly the person who's opinion counts, and seemingly influence decisions and outcomes of all sorts of situations. Having shared so many of peoples experiences, having learned so much about the complexities of human emotion, I find myself able to make a certain amount of sense of it all, then pass this on to the next person who seeks light on their path. Mixed with the experiences of my own complex life, the words spoken to the person seems to strike a key, hit common ground, and usually they too find clarity in all their confusion.
So to all who have trusted me, felt they could confide in me, and sought my time over the years, you have NOT been a burden, you have not tired me. In fact you have empowered me to help others. So you are each responsible for each others clarity, rather than in some sort of debt to me for my time and words. I am a mere vessel to pass on your stories.
So please, don't shy away from me at this time. Knowledge is power for me. Empower me with all you have, and allow me to do what I do best (I think)
I really do hope that some of the words I have written in the past couple of days have had some sort of impact with others. Like the book I wrote a number of years back, the whole idea of this blog is not only to empty my mind, and try and make sense of it all, but also to share these experiences with others, in the hope that it will make sense to just one person out there who is going through similar times. And in turn bring them a renewed sense of hope, strength and the drive to keep going. If it does that, every minute spent, every word typed becomes priceless to me.
Thank you again for reading another epic entry, and for the strength you give me.
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