Its now gone 4am and I am what I like to call "fast awake". Mind racing, wide awake, and no chance of it letting up right now. When it reached 2am and I had only napped I decided for some bizarre reason, that walking the dogs might help. Dinner was a little carb heavy tonight, so I thought burn off some of that, calm the mind and sleeeep! But no, it hasn't worked.
I should say at this point, thank you to Cadell for your company on BBM in these early hours. I'm sure you could be having much more fun than talking to me, while you are out meant to be having fun. And Naruto (aka Ricky) for the company and comments/ suggestions on Facebook. On the walk the company has been invaluable and broken my train of thought nicely. Probably saving me from eternal doom at the mercy of my wild mind.
As I walked for the past almost 2 hours I have thought of numerous names for this entry. Various takes and angles on what to write, and tried to delve into what could be causing this broken sleep recently, but by the end of over 7 miles, I came up with.... Nothing basically, hence the name.
I have however identified some projects, self help ideas if you may, and one makes me think it will really work. The key one being a diary styled book. As some of you may know I have already begun a book project some years ago. Its purpose, much like this blog, was to clear the mind of deep thoughts. However its purpose ran far deeper than ever expected. Full of open and honest emotions, and reflecting on my experiences in life, it seems to have struck a chord with some people, even having quite a profound impact on some.
So my thought is to do this again, record the journey with mum and her battle with cancer, from a 3rd party view. As her carer and son, attached in so many ways, yet trying to remain detached for sanity reasons. Titles right now evade me. The mention of cancer seems inappropriate, but not mentioning it seems like shying away from the truth. I'm sure I will come up with something, but in the meantime the writing shall begin very soon. Time to fire up the netbook!
I have the foreword and first couple of chapters written in my head already, the rest, well I'm sure that will flow, just like "The Truth About Love" did, and as the story draws to a close, the ending will write itself. I am sure this blog will prove a good reference source for me, as well as other internet sites where I have recorded aspects of the journey.
So what else is there? Well another thing I have decided to do is "A letter to mum" Just like a few days ago, making an entry regarding the people who surround me, I feel there is a lot to say to mum, and for me the best way is to write it, share it, make sense of it, then say it properly. Might sound a bit freaky, but with anything emotive I like to sound myself out first, before storming in without thinking.
Speaking of storming in, I managed to pick an argument with a neighbour and his friend this evening. Coming home from the shops the driveway was blocked. Unpacked the car, went indoors just as the owner returned. Deciding it wasn't good enough I went out to speak to the owner. Looking back I was quite rude to him, and he was apologetic for his actions. However as I walked away I heard what I had just said to him, realised I was harsh and went back to apologise. Thankfully both of them were understanding, we shook hands, made peace and left it there, with a smile and a laugh. Phew.
All a bit weird for me to be that confrontational about something like that, especially given the odds being against me lol. But that's where I am right now. Unstable, realistic, not sure what to call it really.
Ok, so that's my ideas for now. Proper writing starts soon, so I better try and sleep now. As ever, thanks for reading, and thanks again for the company tonight/ this morning
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