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Today I have to see my GP. My sick certificate for work runs out today, and work are also keen to know what his opinion of me returning to work, even at reduced hours will be. My GP is also my mothers GP, so he is aware of both sides of the coin, and not just relying on me weeping "I can't cope" once a month. I respect his opinion totally, and he does not hold back his feelings on matters.

At the same time, there is a certain amount of 'pressure' from work now to make a decision so to speak. They are not a charity and have their own affairs to deal with, I understand this. However at the same time, I have my affairs to deal with, and mum I'm sorry to say is a firm Number 1 in my books. So any pressure to make me choose between them is really only going to make matters worse, not better.

So at 10.40 today I will see my GP, discuss mum, discuss my current state, and the suggestions made by work that I start to return in a limited capacity, building back up to my full hours. Now this sounds like a dandy idea, and doing half my hours would indeed be an interesting reintroduction. However, just as me being off can't last for ever, nor can limited capacity working. So I am left wondering if that would put me in a vunerable position all round. Which obviously doesn't go down well with me.

Tomorrow work will be calling to see what the GP has said about it all, and that's where it could all get a little messy. I'm not for one second gonna second guess what will happen today or tomorrow, but can't help running scenarios in my head, over and over. 2 extremes are most common to be the outcome. First that the GP says try going back, all works out and I manage to get back to a share between work and home. And the other being the GP decides trying to split myself like that is risky, and that I need to get my mind right before adding more strain, and signing me off. Causing work to 'take action' and look to working me out of the business. This is the strongest one for me at the moment to be fair.

In reality, I can't control the outcome, as much as I would love to. Getting back to work would be a positive step for me, and possibly be just what I need to break the day up. But with the responsibility load I already have, and the small amount of stability I have managed to find, I am more than aware how this could all spiral out of control too.

Yesterdays example was my sister messaging me to say she had found the doors open at home. Mum had opened the door for someone at some point, and again forgotten to close or lock the doors. Is this a worry, errm yeah!! On multiple levels. She did the same a few days back too and blamed anyone but herself.

Anyway, like I say, I can't control it, so no point in dwelling on it I guess. It is what it is, so I will deal with it from 11am!

Its a lovely day outside, great for a walk to the doctors. Just got to wait on the district nurse to come, then hopefully take a walk to the doctors. Then after the afternoon carer has been, maybe take mum to the park for a wheel in the sunshine. Feed the ducks, and relax a little.

I will no doubt be back later to tell you what happened at the doctors, but for now, have a great day and hug someone you love 🙂



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