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OK, I’m back again.

Not that I have been anywhere in particular, but I sure haven't blogged much recently. My mind has been a little preoccupied in its usual jumble of confusion, but with a few extra twists.

So as I sit in the doctors surgery, waiting to see my GP about my "mental state" shall we say, I thought I would take a few minutes to pause and start putting thumbs to keys (2011 version of pen to paper). So let's find a suitable starting point, somewhere after my last entry.

Mortality, how about that for somewhere to start. On the 5th May I was reminded of the meaning of mortality, as were many others, as we gathered for the funeral of Graeme Breen. At 28 years old he was far to young to pass away, but he fought a hard and nobel battle against anything thrown his was. Illnesses and all other kinds of adversity, he ploughed right through it all, and all with a smile on his face when anyone looked on. I hae lost many people in my seemingly short life, but Graeme stands for so much, and will continue to do so too. I think everyone left the burial that day feeling empty, but with a clear understanding that life can be over in a flash.

Then you have my mum, who seems to defy the odds over and over. Once given a year, she is now almost 3 and a half years into her fight against cancer, as well as her fight against anyone who tries to help her too. Well you know what I mean.
Since going into the hospice she has travelled down a twisty country road, taking turn after turn. Changing direction in health as well as opinions of certain things, especially treatment and care.
At the moment her stomach is working well so she is comfortable eating and drinking, which she has not been for quite some time. She is being well looked after at the hospice and getting into a routine of visitors, ciggy breaks, and eating properly.
There have however been arguments and standoffs over medication, with her insisting they keep cutting her medication, and making her beg for her sleeping tablets etc. She won't accept that medication can change colour, and some meds are replaced to have better effecr. As has been proven with her bowel medication. But overall things with her are good while at the hospice. I have said before and will say again now, St Christophers is an amazing place filled with amazing people. Staff, volunteers and patients.
Mum has now spoken to her sister Joan, and her life long friend Pam on the phone briefly, getting them up to speed on how the place is like a hotel. She enjoys the food, and the banter with the staff. There have been downs too, with her constant refusal to try different things like massage therapies, and other sorts of complimentary treatments, as well as not wanting to use the common room / lounge as a change of scenery, which would be good exercise for her as well as getting out for free air more.
Speaking of exercise, that's another area she is still persistent in not doing as she is told. Advised by the physio to take short walks regularly to work on her strength and coordination. Naturally instead of regular and short, she has occasional bursts of energy so goes for "long" strolls, wears herself out, then falls against walls like she did yesterday. Doh! No telling some people is there!
So that's mum, doing ok, and looking for her way out of here.
The undecided parts are when she will leave here, and where she will go to next. The doctors are checking for funding for home care or care home, whichever she prefers, but I'm pretty sure that's already agreed by the PCT anyway. Then there is where she goes. In my mind, the way she is now, not needing constant care, but irregular and occasional care, her best bet is the local (very nice) care home where she can summons help when needed, and is purpose built for her requirements. However home is still an option if the situation is right. Its really a battle in my mind, not wanting to deny mum coming home, but also not wanting her to be in a compromising situation with regards to her safety and well being. I guess all I can do is go with the opinions of the professionals and adapt to their recommendations. I also must really visit the care home to see what its like.

Speaking of mum coming home, before I was aware there was talk of this I was at the doctors surgery (this morning when I started writing this entry). I discussed the situation with me, where mum was and how I felt, and we got onto talking about a phased return to work. Comforted by his control of the situation, and in the knowledge of how work want to also introduce this phased return, I have provisionally agreed to try it. So I emailed work this morning to say I finally have the green light to try and return. I am still on meds, but all controlled, so I'm hoping that getting back will get me back to a structured way of life. Obviously as soon as I had finished talking and agreeing to this, I was informed by my sister that they are talking about sending mum home next week. While not set in stone, its taking some deep breaths not to panic and shy away from the return to work.

So much more is going on around me too. I feel more awake and aware of other peoples plights and situations, and want to help where and when I can. Whilst at the same time, I seem to shy away from things I need to address and deal with in my own life. Recently falling folly to a bill payment, letting the date pass, which has since been referred to the courts (oh crap), and not paying much attention to bank balances and finances, which just leaves you hanging at each turn. But today I am regaining control of these matters, and taking leaps towards getting it all under control again. Emails and phone calls dealt with this morning. I won't dwell on me and those things for now though.

Oh, drawing, yes I have discovered I can draw, well kinda. Putting pen to paper the other evening to start sketching a design for a tribute tattoo for Graeme, I shocked myself at how good it is. So I have something to focus on there for now :).

Right that's it from me for now, its all dragging on a bit, and I'm sitting in the sun in the gardens of the hospice with mum, so should pay her some attention I guess.
Thanks for reading, I won't leave it so long next time.



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