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Dear Blog…. I’m scared!

After a few weeks of "respite" and having a little freedom from the pressures of life, it appears its all about to change again. Mum is coming home from the hospice today, I am returning to work for the first time this year tomorrow, and in a few weeks time I will face an enormous life changing challenge. While things have been settled for so long now, suddenly I am left wondering how everything is gonna work out.
The past few nights I have not got much sleep, waking throughout the night in slight panic, then struggling to settle again.

Looking back over entries of a year ago I am remembering the stress I was going through, the worries about mum being home, and struggling with appointments and caring for her.
Over the last week the hospice have been discussing with us what sort of care package she needs once back at home. She was annoyed with the regular 2 visits a day, so when they said they wanted 4 in place for when I'm at work, she flipped. The discussion has wavered from care homes to coming home. And the circumstances under which she can come home. Finally agreeing to try 4 a day, giving me peace of mind while at work, we decided she could come home. Only to hear from my sister the next day that she and mum had agreed with the hospice that there would only be 3 visits a day. Apparently my sister has agreed that she will visit regularly during the day while I'm at work, so she won't be alone. Let's see eh!

Then there is work. In previous meetings with them we had agreed a careful steady phased return to work. My worry was always that as soon as I stepped through the door, it would all be rushed and I would be back to full hours very quickly. After reassurances this would NOT happen, you can imagine my surprise when the first suggestion was up to full hours in 3 weeks time! So this is going to be interesting trying to get that all worked out and slowed down.
Not to mention the pissy and frosty reception I got from my colleagues when I first walked in the office.
Its all new to me, new location, new office, new PC, updated systems etc. So its a whole lot to take on board. Add that to mum coming home, the worries about her being home alone, and arranging the other bits, and suddenly the skies are darkening!

Maybe I should go to the doctors now and get some stronger medication lol. Maybe I am building this all up in my head, and its all going to be fine. Who knows. Only one way to find out I guess!
I really do wish that the 4 carers had been left in place. Just so there was an independent care package, with me and my sister being extras or bonus carers. But this isn't to be the case, so no point in dwelling on it eh.

So with all this hanging over me, I'm trying to have my last "morning of freedom", so I can try and deal with tomorrow as it comes. But as the time is ticking by I'm wondering if working tomorrow is going to work or not. No carers will have been installed by the time I go to work, no full day will have been had at home with mum before she is left. That would leave my sister, who doesn't live with us, to install the carers, and leave me in the dark to know what has been requested, agreed, and arranged.

Aaaah who knows what eh, we shall find out, watch this space!

Regards

Michael

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