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Not a good day for mum.

I arrived early this morning and walked in on mum crying out in pain and distress. She had just been given morphine, and the hope was that would settle things down for her. Unfortunately an hour and a half later the pain is spreading, the distress and discomfort is getting worse, and there is no sign of it letting up.

Having removed her pad, it also appears she has had an accident in the bed, but is in so much distress, she cannot be moved at this time to sort this out.

Over the past hour she has been crying out, sometimes with cries of "oh Michael" but then running out of breath before she can say what she is trying to. Almost like the scene of a dying man trying to give up the name of the killer, or location of the treasure. Infuriating and frustrating to say the least. If she could just tell me where the pain was, I could direct help to her.

She flails in pain on the bed as I sit there being unable to do anything other than a hand of support and comfort. She looks on at me like a child wanting the parent to just take the pain away, but I'm helpless. Refusing to have her hearing aid in, I'm not able to speak to her very much, so that's causing problems too as she mis-hears what I say and gets more frustrated with me.

Its strange, as I look at her there helpless, in pain, the range of thoughts going through my mind range from, this is the wonderful person who gave birth to me, and gave me life. Now I sit and watch her life draining away. Right through to how I wish the suffering could just be over with. And I know at points this is a thought she shares.

They have just, as I write, administered more morphine, and called for the GP as they are not happy with her deteriorating condition. Hopefully the extra dose of morphine will help a little more. Fingers crossed.

Throughout the morning her short comments have ranged from "I don't want to give up" right through to "I can't take this anymore". So it is hard to gauge her true feeling on the matter. I know she has never wanted to go through pain like this, and it was always her wish to pass before things got unbearable. But the not giving up comment changes all that.

Her refusal to take new antibiotics for a urine infection have not helped, as that itself is adding to the pain she is going through, although unlikely to be the only cause of this bout of discomfort. I'm hoping the GP can offer a little more guidance on this, but I know they can't perform miracles. With mum unable to talk right now, that isn't going to help matters either. She says a few short words to me, but tends to just ignore medical staff.

In the meantime all I can do is sit here, be some comfort, keep my sister and others informed of what's happening, and hope for her pain to ease sometime soon. I feel amazingly calm about this, and am surprised at home easy this is to go through. Yes I find it distressing to see my mum in this level of pain, but at the same time I am seemingly coping with it. Just like arriving on the scene of an accident, the natural instinct has kicked in, emotions are put to one side, and I find myself just getting on with the job in hand. I had this scenario with my counsellor about a year ago, and its playing out exactly as expected.

Right, so this blog entry has given me enough of a distraction now, I better get on, grab a coffee and wait to see what the GP says. Hopefully whatever the case, it can be dealt with here.

Thanks for reading.

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