Well, it doesn't does it. You know what I mean, when you have stored it all up for so long, then it all just comes gushing out. Ok that could be taken two ways I guess, so choose your own meaning, and follow me on this brief journey of discovery.
Sitting down to coffee with Tracy this morning was very refreshing indeed, not just the caffeine, nor the chocolate twist (or the Krispy Kreme I consumed while I was waiting for her lol), but I mean the conversation. It was nice to relax with someone I feel comfortable with, kick back, be open and just let it all flow for a bit. We chatted for over an hour, and the time flew by.
Over recent times we have both been consumed by complex goings on, and managed to get these out on the table in no time, delving deep into my dark and shady self, opening doors not touched for some time. If Tracy got half of what I got from the conversation, then it was an hour well spent in Costa, and well worth the travel for us both. Caroline being there would have been superb I think, but next time I hope, then we can have a good old fashioned threesome haha.
So going back to the conversation. Strangely one of the topics covered was friendships and trust. The amazing way you can connect with someone after 20+ years and just carry on like it was last week. That takes a combination of trust, openess and a genuine sense of connection with that person. Quite apt then that we have been out of touch for the best part of twenty years, yet can get together over a coffee and be so honest with each other about such personal and may I say intimate things. But that's good right? Amazing to believe that a friendship, a bond formed so long ago at a rather immature age can go on to be something so different many years later. That said, I'm thankful that it works like that, especially for me, Mr Super Complex life!
But getting to my point, the release I mention. We all bottle things up at time. Just a note, if you took "release" to mean something else, then I do NOT bottle that up, eeew! But in the mind at least, we carry thoughts, feelings, desires along with us, until such a time we can offload them, or at least find someone to share the load with. Which is what happened today. I spilled my load all over the table, and Tracy lapped it up. Haha ok a little crude, forgive me, but you know what I mean. Cards down, heart open, and out it poured, and she was there to help make sense of it all.
The most touched on subject today, other than sex (Tracy's preferred topic) was death and grieving believe it or not. Quite a range of topics to cover, but as I say it is something we are both dealing with right now, and it was 'nice' to share a moment with someone else going through it all. As well as Noel who has also recently lost a dear friend (RIP David).
The contrast between my own and Tracy's feelings on death was like night and day. While she is not consumed with grief at this stage, there is part of her obviously showing the wish and need to grieve (sorry to speak of you as a third person hun). The eyes and face show such sorrow when speaking of her Grandmothers passing, and then switch to frustration and anger at mentioning the family issues which now surround her. A situation I am familiar with following the passing of my own grandmother a few years back.
A time we should be remembering and respecting our loved one, but so frequently it turns into a competition to be the favourite, the most important, the most grief stricken or the leader of the pack. For god sakes people, deal with it in your own way. Stop ruining these precious moments for others, and let each person cope in their own way. If you have nothing nice to say, or helpful to offer, shut up, sit in the corner and do your own thing. Its not a time for competition, but for a time of contemplation. To remember those memories made recently and yesteryear, to create a final memory of the deceased, and a time to reflect that time is short and precious for us all, some shorter than others. And as per "If tomorrow never comes", we should deal with each day wisely, yet not save up our thoughts, feelings and emotions for tomorrow. But express in real time, leaving nothing unsaid, and no stone of interest unturned.
Wow, where did all that come from lol.
I guess that's me having another release eh.
Then there are other types of release, secrets, guarded parts of our lives. Not relevant to everyone in our lives, but worth a mention. Things going on in your life that it is worth running by a friend to get a different perspective on. Maybe their opinion, or maybe just for the sake of saying "there, I said it" and moving on.
I have never believed that there is any one person in someones life that you can tell ALL to... Close but not 100%. That's not a matter of trust or respect, but more perspective and relevance. Sometimes its easier to talk to someone who is slightly more distant to a situation if you want perspective. Speaking to someone as close to it as yourself doesn't change perspective, only opinion. After all they are seeing what you see, but may have a different opinion based on morals, not presented facts. Talk to someone across the way however and they can see the other side, and sometimes give you an angle you had not considered. Sounds a little weird but think about it for a second.
The refreshing part about getting another perspective on a situation, is when the other view is very similar, and you get confirmation that no matter how messy something seems, that even from the other side YOU have made a sound decision, and one that others understand, respect and support you in. I know at least one person this is relevant to, and hope to be sharing a coffee with soon, and much like todays with Tracy, I hope it is as open and revealing for us both.
Ultimately the stories we carry and secrets we bare will eventually consume us, not with guilt necessarily, but with the amount of time it comes back to make us dwell on it over and over. A problem shared is a problem halved. So don't carry a burden, and find someone you trust and can confide in to relieve yourself. Share a release with a friend, and who knows, maybe you can have a mutual release together.
Sometimes its hard to know just how bad something is eating you up inside, until the pressure is released. Then as soon as the tap is turned, it all starts flowing, and just keeps coming and coming.
So today, I thank Tracy for her time, and offer that mutual release at any time you need it. You know how to get in touch.
And in the past few days or weeks, I thank those who have been there and supported me through recent issues in my personal life. Without you I would not be me. Thank you.
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