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Published on Leave a comment on One of those “meh” days!

Not quite sure how or why, but know I have slipped a little over the past few days on the road to recovery so to speak. My mind isn't in a great place right now, preoccupied by the stresses of worrying about my aunt Joan. And the on going battle with my mum about how successful chemo was for her.

The arguement of how successful the chemo was has become so fierce in my head that I have taken to reading through an old thread I started on Scoobynet and my old blog to get details of old hospital visits, just to confirm that the chemo did indeed cause shrinkage of the tumour, and it DID! So that's put my mind at rest about one thing at least.

I think what's eating away at me about the situation with Joan is the helpless part. I'm far away (not that I can't go there), but also I am not live-in like I am with mum, so even if I went there I would not be able to "impose" myself upon the situation.

Not being in control of a situation, is this another issue I need to address? Maybe so. It would certainly explain my willingness to get involved in road accident and other sorts of incidents. Do I in some way seek out responsibility for bad situations? Am I trying to help or just be to blame? I need to find some answers to these questions I think.

I digress lol.

So anyway, the whole thing with Joan. I know she is having some tests and appointments over the next week or so, but what will happen from there at the moment is unknown. But something I am keen to know everything about as soon as there is something to know.

Right, I better get on with my day, after all its still morning and I'm already in an open pit mine, and still digging.

My mind and body need to be lifted to a better level, the holiday is just around the corner, I am having more work on my tribute tattoo on Saturday, things are good right.... So why the long face?

Operation Rescue-Me is under way... Stand clear, this may get messy!

Have a good day, almost the weekend people!

Regards

Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on A little pissed off. Families!

OMG, I am so fed up right now its unreal. I just got home from work, to find my mum talking to my aunt on the phone. OK that bit was expected, but the apparent content of the call was not.

On hanging up mum filled me in on the gossip. Joan is eating less and less and is subsequently losing weight due to this. Unlike mum however she is accepting advice and guidance from medical staff, and making an effort to try their solutions. So that's a good thing.
However with regards to me going up there she is slightly put off the idea, mainly because she is worried about me driving so far, which is rather sweet, but not really worth her worry. Thank you anyway Joan for caring.
Once I heard this I was a little annoyed shall we say, that my company/visit was being shunned, but at the end of the day its her decision, and like mum's decision, I respect it.

Then mum goes on.... Joan had been asking her about treatments, and mum had informed her that chemo is not only not pleasant to go through, but also not worth it. Explaining it had done nothing for her, except cause discomfort. It had done nothing to treat the cancer, and was really not worth considering.
Not only is this NOT the case, but also mum has failed to consider the differences between their two cancers. Assuming that what worked for her will be the same for Joan. This is the exact reason I wanted to go up there.

Mum has clearly forgotten the effects the chemo had on her, and the way it started the treatment of her cancer. And in turn, almost put Joan off even considering it. Well done mum!

She then went on to tell me Joan was waiting to see the Oncologist. On asking mum if Joan had seen consultants of doctors prior to this, she barked that she had JUST told me she is waiting to see the Oncologist. Clearly she has forgotten who does what and in what order she saw these people in. Grrrr. I know it was a stressful time for her, and don't expect her to remember details. I only wish she would not use these broken memories to tell my aunt about what to expect. That's part of the reason I wanted to speak to Joan myself, and part of the reason I wanted to be there with mum to make sure we were putting the right story across.

So now, we wait!
Not a situation I was hoping to end up in, but hey, time to play the hand I was dealt I guess.

Next move...... Currently unknown.

Regards

Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on From footsteps in sand, to knee deep in mud.

Ok, time for another deep and meaningful entry to my blog. Like many other metaphors I have used, this is another that creates a mental images for me to work with. But what does it all mean? Good question.
OK to me its a choice, and one I discovered I need to start making when a situation arises. What tends to happen with me is I take on someones problems, be it just talking something through, or agreeing to help in some form of physical way. Either way, what tends to happen is before I know what is going on, I am knee deep in emotional mud, and stuck in the middle of a situation.

When I take a step back from some of these now resolved situations and take a long hard look, I realise that with everything I have going on in life at the moment, I don't have the time, nor the mental strength to see these things through. And if I had looked properly at the time, I could have and indeed would have taken a step back BEFORE I started to sink.

So now I have a mental image to work with. Which believe me, is a god send.

In all walks of life, we generally like to make an impression on people, create memories, and have our input remembered. Without making an impression, our lives would serve far less purpose. Be it educating someone, or saving a life. Helping someone out, or being the recipient of help, everything we do makes a footprint in the sand, and that's a good thing.

But as I have found, and I'm sure many more have too, from time to time the ground is soft and uneven, and those are the times I am now looking out for. For when we tread on these, we need to make a quick decision. As our feet make that first impression, do we leave a footprint, or do we indeed stand firm and sink in deeper.

As I say, I have stood far too long in contemplation in the past, and now that I recognise this, what better time to make a change.
Does this mean a less caring me? A more selfish me? Well I would like to say no, its more about perception. I am sure to some I will appear a little self obsessed and all that, but the truth of the matter is, I have been an emotional punchbag for far too long now. From becoming engrossed in helping people writing letters and deal with debt and speeding fines, to spending hours on the phone, usually at my expense, listening to why life is so unfair, I have spent far too long on other peoples problems, and run out of energy to deal with my own. Now is the time for all that to change.

Time to set my own agenda.
My mum is ill (dealing with that)
My aunt is ill (starting to deal with that)
My daughter has been gone 12 years (not anywhere near dealing with that)
Unhappy at work (was dealing with it but have stalled)

Life is changing rapidly all around me, and sometimes keeping up with that is not as easy as it seems, but I like to think in general I am doing ok.

As profound as a lot of this all sounds, I am actually a lot better off today, thanks to Peter and the session this morning. Sounding off about a few things, developing mental pictures to reference with, and making sense of a few things in life has made all the difference. Almost like emotional cleansing, as I spoke I felt my shoulders loosen up, my mood lighten, and my foggy mind clear a little. Slowly but surely its all making sense now.

I am once again the master of my own destiny. I have many lessons to learn on the way, and will encounter obstacle. But with determination, good friends, and positive mental attitude I will reach my destiny, achieve my goals, and leave firm, clear footprints in the sand.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Regards

Michael

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Published on 2 Comments on Hard to get my head around.

Now call me selfish, ignorant, or just plain stupid, but I just don't get it. Maybe its just me being weird, or different to the rest of the world, but to me its just a natural act, progress, paying it forwards.

What am I talking about you are wondering? My mum of course!
After today's revelation about her sister being ill too, and the subsequent phone call they held, after they had come clean I was expecting something more than seems to have happened.
Instead of which, it seems there is just a stalemate again.

I asked mum if she would come up to see her sister with me in Wales very soon. To offer support, share her own experience, and boost my aunts moral. Let alone help my aunt make the brave decision to accept treatment sooner than mum did. To my surprise she replied with a flood of reasons and excuses why she could not, would not and should not go. Or not now at least.

They ranged from, wait until we know what's going on (errm we do mum, she has cancer), to I can't do long journeys in the car its too tiring (um, mum, I'm driving, we can stop whenever, and when was the last time we drove a long way). Needless to say its all very frustrating right now, and there is a certain element of deja vu present too.

Now to me, I feel compelled to use any experience in life, in any way I can, in order to help others. Be it a blog (like this), to forums chatting, IM chats, or phone calls. If I feel anything I have been through can benefit someone else, I share it. And armed with that experience I would go to the ends of the earth to help someone else and prevent them going through the same. Now make that a member of my family and suddenly to even question my commitment would be deemed offensive.

Right now mum and Joan are 200 miles apart. While it sounds a fair bit, its nothing more than a drive away. One I am willing to begin this very second if the need arose. However it appears this is not to be the case. Mums view on it right now is, she is willing to be there for Joan, but only wants to make the trip once. For me that's a no brainer. Go there now, help her make decisions, bounce ideas about, see her through surgery and recovery, then see what happens next.

However mums line on this is to wait a bit until some decisions are made, then be there for her if she goes ahead with treatment. While that is commendable, something still screams at me that Joan could really do with some support right now, and someone close to her to talk to. And with that in mind, I get the impression I will be making a trip to Wales this Friday. I will let mum know I am going and open the invitation to her. If she wants to come she may. All I know is, I went through this all for mum, and cannot just stand by and watch my aunt go through it alone. So I will hold out the hand to offer support.

I was the first person she ever told about it, she had lived with it as a secret for ages. And while I kept it from mum for some time, once the time was right I told all. And for a reason, so they could offer mutual support, and so one of them would not die in pain and the darkness of their own lies and secrets like their other sister did.

So tonight I am left a little confused, and little annoyed, and somewhat wound up about the whole matter.
In the meantime I will make my own plans, draw up my own agenda and do what I usually do.... My own thing.

Families eh, what a complete pain in the arse!

Regards

Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on A day of mixed emotions (understatement!)

Well its been a few days since my last entry. Been in a funny place the past few days. Not quite sure where or why, but not a good place either way. Eating too much, and lacking enthusiasm have been the main things.

Anyway today I realised one of the things that's been eating away at me, and that has been the secrets that I have been keeping. Mum not knowing that I told my aunt about her cancer, and also not telling mum that my aunt had also told me she had a lump too. So after thirty seconds of thought I decided the time was right to come clean.

With mum feeling a lot better, and having recently been fitted with her prosthesis, I felt that she had sort of reached the end of this journey, and as she is re charging and finding her step again, I thought what the hell. Sitting her down I opened with... "Joan is ill" Which in itself is no revelation, as she has been off her food recently, but there was more to tell.

A few minutes later mum was sitting in quite a shocked state. We talked a little more, just so I knew she was ok. Then I gave her some time, reassuring her I was there if she wanted to talk.

Returning an hour later she looked much happier, and told me she had called Joan back and told her she knew that I had told Joan about mum. With that Joan told mum she was ill too.
Mum went on to tell me more that I didn't know, such as Joan had now seen a doctor, who has confirmed it IS cancer now. So todays news is, mum AND my aunt now have breast cancer. Sadly 200 miles apart, but that's something I plan on changing if I can.

Now that mum has been through the journey, and Joan is just at the start, who better to be there for you than a family member who has been through it all recently. The tough part is now getting mum to travel up to see her. I say tough, in theory its a no brainer. I can drive her NOW if she agrees to go up there. But this is mum, and nothing is ever that simple.

Joan has had her options given to her, and one the options is of course surgery. I'm her case she has been told that she may stay in longer as she has no one at home for her. Cue mum... With her recent experiences, who better to be at home for Joan, and what better reason to go and see her than making sure she can be out of the hospital sooner (having someone at home).

So that is the conversation at the moment. With Joan being off her food, and mum coaching her with what to eat. As well as being someone to talk to about the whole situation. Being living proof that there IS something that can be done about the situation. Joan is a fair few years mums senior, but there is hope. And while there is hope, its my job so to speak, to make sure they are both doing the right thing.

So I'm not sure if the stress level just went up or down, but a part of me feels better that its all out in the open now. I would really love mum to get up there asap, I.e tomorrow. If its not that soon, I would dearly love it to be before I go on holiday. So that's my mission.

Fingers crossed mum sees sense.

Right in done for now, more later maybe.
Thanks for reading.

PS fingers crossed please that Aunty Joan agrees to surgery, AND that mum agrees to go up there soon.

Regards

Michael

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