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Published on Leave a comment on An ultimatum!

Of sorts at least. But thinking and speaking out loud, reasoning and rationalising things (as I do), don't you find that when someone "threatens" you, or gives an ultimatum, you are actually LESS likely to comply?

Maybe its just me, maybe you are the same, but for me, having something harsh said to me just gets my back up, and my defences up, and any good intentions I have towards them go straight out the window.

In this situation its one of those matters of morals vs marbles, and for me morals win hands down. Commitment for me is a serious thing, and being asked to compromise my decision making for the sake of appeasing someone does not come easy. Let alone the fact that it offends me that I am being asked to make such an irrational decision, so say something I am not sure about.

So what about you? If someone takes a fluid situation, and almost unlawfully tries to make it become solid, what would you do? Would you aim to please them, or would you stick to your guns, and choose not to make an ill informed decision?

So late at night, so many decisions. I think on this occasion I will use the power of BBM to seek the answers I am looking for. But if you have an opinion, or want to get involved, just comment or mail me and I will bring you up to speed.

Those of you on BBM, watch for a broadcast coming your way soon.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Published on Leave a comment on Lots to say,

...so let's get started.
First up, apologies to anyone who may have been blinded or had their sight damaged by the recent change in font. Allow me to explain my insanity and justify my stupidity in choice of font. iPad!
Ok moving on.
Alright seriously though, I changed the template using the ipad and didn't realise how limited it was at displaying fonts. Needless to say, it looked fine to me, but was hideous when viewed from other devices (inc my Blackberry) Nice one Apple!

Next up, Elloooo Kimmy. Was lovely to see you yesterday, and nice to see you in such good spirits. My apologies for the random rambling and boring convo. I was slightly tired and braindead lol.

Cadell, great to see you too, and was nice to chill with you. Archie is an absolute blinding kid, and you are a fantastic mum, as well as a fun person too 🙂 Thanks for the time you took helping me to rest and relax, and I look forwards to seeing you again some time. Domino's mmmmm!

Me, well I'm feeling blergh today, probably due to a 3am breakfast of cold pizza and Haribo Tangfastic, in order to keep me going for the journey back to London. Speaking of which, having driven to the Midlands at 2am, and home at 3am, I don't know that I ever want to drive on the M1 at any other time of day now. Even the 50mph limits are fine when there are so few cars on the road. Sailing past lorries is a good pass time, and feels like you are going faster. Cruise set to 70mph, and turning the wheel, that's what its all about!

Total of 500 miles, visiting Derby, Droitwich and Birmingham along the way, getting very little sleep, but had a great time, a respite break was indeed needed. But not exactly as planned.

I arrived in the Mids at about 5am, but by the time the clock hit 8 I was getting texts from my sister to say mum had taken a turn. Lots of confusion and indecision later, and I decided to stick to schedule and head to see Kim. All the while getting updates on what could and could not be sorted, the doctor was coming etc. Eventually I called mum and spoke with her to get her side of the story. Satisfied with what she told me, my mind was at rest a little more. Which is strange for me, taking mums word on something lol. So anyway, the day continued.

On finishing up at the hospital Kim asked if I could take Chris and Livvy home, which of course was fine. So we headed over to Droitwich. Then back to Derby to pick poor lil Archie up from nursery. Jabs and a nasty cough, but still managing to smile, turn the volume up in the car and have a little rave lol.

The end of a long day was fast approaching. (Sadly the same can't be said for this blog entry)

So deciding that with the crap intake of food and drink the only answer was Domino's, food was sourced, and much eating took place.

Asda seemed to be the place to buy anything and everything on this trip. Popping in for a tshirt, I walked out with a "Plushy" (bath mat) a new Superman hoodie (most appropriate) food, drinks, oh and the said tshirt. Returning later I got deodorant, yum-yums and lots of junk food to keep me going. I'm paying for that decision today though.

On finally getting home at about 5.30am this morning I was greeted by 2 excited dogs. More excited than they have been for a long time. The fun ended there as I walked in the kitchen and saw the jobs that lay ahead of me. Apparently breaking the routine and leaving for a single day comes with a price tag. Awaiting me was cleaning up, arranging of new medications and a few other things I needed to do in order to relax enough to sleep.
With the few hours of broken sleep I had had, concentration was in short supply, but I think I got the meds right lol

With the mentioned lack of sleep not being helped by being restless, its probably not a surprise to hear I have still not had much. I'm trying to run myself out of energy, but as I'm on emergency backup power, its all taking some time. I think finally walking the dogs will be my breaking point, and that should be soon, but before that I'm waiting on a phonecall.

The phonecall will be from work (planned) to discuss my situation with them. And with the situation with mum being so fluid, its really hard to know what to say. Add that to a tired, fried brain, and this conversation could get messy.
It seems that each time we plan to get together for a talk, something happens which reaffirms my situation. Like perhaps yesterday! Lol. In fairness though the past few weeks have been a bumpy road with mum being ill, so its been good to be here to support her and get her help. Long story short, I think I will be getting signed off again, which sadly for me means going to 50% pay now, and letting work down even more. But I can't choose or control what happens with mum, I can only play the hand I am dealt.

So, that's me for now, if you have read this far, message me your name and address and I will send you a prize for bothering to keep reading. I'm bored writing it, and they are my thoughts and experiences.

This afternoon I will walk the dogs, do my chores and try and stay awake til a normal time tonight. Walk the dogs later then the sleep will begin.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

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Published on 3 Comments on A new look.

Yup while adding some keywords to my entries I thought it was time to change the look again. As relaxing as the fish at the top were, the are useless if you are using a device which doesn't display Flash, like many Apple viewers ( as I do from time to time on my iPad)

So I hope it's a little easier on the eye, fonts have been changed a little too.
Comments welcomed. As if!

Published on Leave a comment on OMG I’m gonna explode!

Just finished lunch, and have to say, over recent days it feels like I have over indulged a little. Few hundred grams of chicken, fresh veggies, a jacket spud (small one) and a bread roll.
Phew, I feel like I have just finished a pie eating contest (those were the days)

I have to say though, recent days have involved a lot of walking, many miles, so I'm burning off the calories. And of course after todays run I can afford another 5-6 calories intake lol. All that said, just for laughs I got on the scales earlier, after breakfast and a few drinks (and going to the loo) and was shocked to see that even dressed in lounging clothes (joggers and tshirt) I'm still only 211lbs. Which probably equates to about 206-207 tops for a normal weigh in. So now I am intrigued to know what my dry weight is, so will have to check it in the morning.

Bad as it is, I have not touched the diet packs really since my last delivery, but the food I'm choosing for my daily intake certainly seems to agree with me, and is helping maintain, if not lose a little more weight.

To think, if I cut out or replaced either my morning cereal or my evening porridge, I could still be losing at quite a good rate. Or even cut out the lunch time bread roll, which I will be doing by the end of the week (I will have run out lol)

All in all, I'm shocked at how well I have done, and pleased that the route I have taken this time seems somewhat more natural. The daily intake neither feels too little, nor boring. So its more than sustainable.

Part of me wants to drop below 200lbs again, but the sensible part of me knows I'm good where I am now, and just need to focus on the health side of things from now on.

So that was a boring update to read I bet, but for once I'm chuffed to bits.
Regards
Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on Phew, I’m pooped!

What a great start to the day. For starters when I woke up this morning, my eyes were just not interest in getting up, and refused to open. Eventually time and necessity got the better of me, so I got up. Just in time for the postie to deliver something I have been waiting for. My LED spotlights for the light unit in my bedroom.

Unwrapped and installed within seconds...... And they are utter shit! Flash bright then go very dim, which is not use to me. Then to add insult to injury, as I tried to remove one of them, it fell apart. Needless to say I have contacted the seller and am awaiting a reply to see what they wanna do about it. Lesson learned, cheap LED bulbs are NOT worth it!

Then it was dog walking time. Getting it in asap, as mum had a nurse coming late morning. Progress was good, about half a mile from home I got word that the nurse would be home very soon.... So started running. Ran the half mile home only to find that the nurse was already there and in. Tuvaaq was in the kitchen. So that was a waste of energy lol, but a nice run all the same.

Sorry to the people startled by seeing Aana running up the road, I was getting some rather strange looks to say the least. Feels good to push yourself from time to time though I have to say.

Next up, once the carer has been, its off to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for mum. Another day with lots of walking, seems like they are never ending recently. My intake has gone up a little to allow for this, but not sure where that leaves me weight wise. I am definatly losing more size as clothes are getting looser and looser (and not stretching to match my girth! Lol)

I might have a low intake day in the next day or two and a weigh in to see where I am with weight. Just out of curiosity more than anything. I am happy with my health improvement, that's the main thing. As I said before the next step is toning, and I really must get my finger out and get on with that. Talk is cheap! Time to knuckle down and get on with it. Starting with abs and tri's.

In fact, as soon as I'm back from the walk to the pharmacy, I'm going to do a bit of each, and get this show on the road.

Other than that, life is pretty dull. Thankfully mum has stabilised for the time being. Still a little confused about a few things, but trying harder to eat and drink etc. Still loves to moan and huff about things too.

Just a quick mention to Kim who is in hospital. Hope its not a long stay for you hun, and I will be up asap to see you 🙂 x

Regards
Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on Its Meh-day

For some reason my brain is having an off day. Ok, so anyone who knows me will know that me having a dumb day is nothing rare. But this isn't me being stupid for once. Today is not about brain not engaging, its just not starting. Flat batteries, flooded with thoughts? I don't know, but its frustrating as hell.

Usually by this time I'm alive with thoughts, ideas, even if they are somewhat depressing but today, nothing really. Instead I'm moping around with nothing but bah and meh on my mind lol.

I'm sure fresh air with the dogs will help, so fingers crossed I can get the morning started soon. Thinking about it, I think one of the other problems is, I have done so many of the important things I needed to do now that there is very little stimulating or worrying left to do. Compared to a few weeks back, with bills building up, problems with the carers, stressing about work etc, this week so far is rather dull and mundane.

Not to say there is nothing to deal with, of course there is. But for once none of it has me in a spin.

Instead I'm left with other things that are months away yet. And other things that I can only wonder about. How is my dear daughter going to do in her exams (I'm sure she will do amazingly well), what is going to happen about my escape to Florida this year, what will I be doing by July/August... So many things, but none that I can influence so far away.

So my plan today, spend some time talking to mum, the weekend has been a bit quiet between us, keep up with the housework, give the dogs a groom with my super new brush from Pets at Home, walk and feed the dogs, feed myself. Oh I just remembered, pick up prescription for mum from the pharmacy... I'm sure more will come to me as the day passes, but for now, that's it.

Quick updates on other things...
Mum, been feeling a little less energetic recently, seems to have more of a job moving about. Quite grumpy (understandable with me about) and spoke to an old friend the other day on the phone. After being asked how she was, she went on to inform her "not that good, I have cancer now, I'm tired of all the fussing and just want to be left to die now". Great way to break the news. But her choice.

As for me, maintaining weight, believe about another 2-3lbs went over the past 10 or so days. Not paying too much attention now, but I'm not gaining, and recent weigh ins have been after food and drink, and are still lower than previous. Happy happy.

Right, I better get on, have a great week all.
Regards
Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on Who am I ?

A question I clearly don't ask myself enough these days, but one that springs to the front of my mind right now.

Forgive the ramblings of a mad man, but its all bubbling up to the surface right now, so as you know I like to blog it before it starts to set and make no sense to me.

I am chatting to a few people tonight on my faithful BBM (I would be lost without Blackberry Messenger), while at the same time watching/listening to a 90's resurrection set on MTV Dance, and as things are said, and tunes play, I am slowly starting to figure out a few little things, like "who I am"

Adult life started in the 90's for me, so clubbing days, driving around like a misguided youth, and discovering myself, were all done with this music as my soundtrack. Hearing these tunes play while I am in deep though provokes all sorts of thoughts.

Tunes that remind me of first experiences, ones that remind me of friends who have since passed. Past relationships, watching my daughter grow, and so much more. You know what I mean. Music is like a smell or a taste, in an instant we are back 10 years, living a moment all over again.

Then the next thing I know I am reminiscing of days gone by, and comparing the me of yesteryear, and wonder what is real and what is the adapted me. The me that has shaped myself to fit in, or accept what I have before me.

We all do it, set out with dreams and aspirations, and before we know it they are changing. Changing because its easier to change our way of thinking, than it is to make changes to our life. Leaving the comfort zone, stepping forwards, moving on, and daring to think outside the box... All too daunting for anyone and everyone from time to time.

*Just to digress for a moment, N-Trance "set you free" has just come on, and my god that has gone from being a club banger, to almost a sentimental meaningful song... Anyway... Back to the other bit.

So our aspirations change, but in my case when I look back in reality, I think I have stayed pretty true to my chosen path. OK so I'm not successful, retired and living in Florida, but we can all dream eh.
But in general, certainly up to a couple of years ago I would say I have stayed on track.

Its the past 24-36 months that provoke deeper thought for me. I have not strayed, and I still know what I want, but my life has been put on the back burner, until recently at least. The past week or two have honestly made me realise I need to live for myself too, and stay in touch with my own realities, not just those of people who "need" me.

Achievements of recent make me stronger and more positive. Steps I have taken in different directions make me confident, and people around me empower me to strive for a better life than the ditch I seem to have slipped into over recent months.

So when I think about it, the answer to who am I is a simple one really... I am me, Michael. The deep minded, over thinking, complex emotional guy. The one who spends most of his life wanting to improve other peoples lives, and forgetting to take the occasional time out to focus on his own life. Yet here I am... Taking time to reflect and think about my own life. So maybe I'm not as set in my ways as I think.

OK so I said I was rambling, and know this makes no sense, so let me summarise...

Respect your own decisions, regardless of what others try to make you believe, or opinions they impose upon you.
Don't be afraid to do something different, new, unexplored. Just because you think it might upset someone. If it upsets them, then is their opinion that important to you?
Take time out for YOU. Regardless of how smooth sailing life may seem, there is always room for manoeuvre, and time for a quick sanity check. When you lose touch with yourself, reality becomes a blur.
Remember who YOU are. What you stand for, your beliefs, morals and goals in life. There is always room for compromise, but rarely room for total surrender.

After blurting all this out, I am making sense of the root of this all, and getting back in touch and in tune with my own thoughts and emotions (as those who know me will be able to tell by how much I'm writing)

So thank you for reading, thank you for inspiring my thoughts this way, and take care of Number 1
Regards
Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on Oops, sorry!

While taking a moment to reflect recently, and talking to someone about day to day life, I realised something shocking.
I am without realising it, cutting away at life lines, and pushing people away, when in fact I actually need them close by.
Last week I had an amazing time in a friends company, we chatted, laughed and messed about in a way that truly felt unfamiliar to me at the time. Yet the more I think about it, the more I realise that was actually the real me, the normal me. Not the current me that is beaten down by emotions, and weighed down by events of day to day life.

But over the past days, as I have settled back into my normal role, I seem to have been a bit negative to said people, and really should think before I act.

Now I'm not trying to get all deep and emotional, I'm not going to run away and start a new life as a hermit living under a waterfall or anything. BUT... I am going to make a concious effort to make sure I treat the people who make a difference to me, with respect, and hope I can keep their company for a long time.

So thank you for listening to me, for entertaining my thoughts, and for all the kinds of company you offer. There are some special people out there, for which I am grateful.

A line of arrogance from me for a moment. Usually being the one offering the hand of help, I now know what it feels like to receive care, comfort and ne respected by someone who owes you none of that.

X
Regards
Michael

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