By this time tomorrow another little curve ball adventure of my life will be pretty much over with I can't wait to be done with it. Back in Feb I had a tattoo sleeve started, while I was slow to heal (I am getting old!) I healed well in the end. One small area which had been the last to heal kept scabbing. Assuming it was something to do with the healing I thought nothing of it. However in the last month it started to become a bit of a lump.
Now convinced it was unrelated to the tattoo, and starting to concern me, I booked an appointment with the doctor. The good old "call up at 8am and pray" method. To my surprise I was given an appointment for two hours later at 10am, face to face too!
After a short consult, the doctor said she thought it was OK, but as it shared some signs of a BCC (Basal Cell Carcinoma) she wanted to get it checked out by dermatology, under the two week cancer screening rule. Off I went home, expecting to hear something sooner or later. This was the Monday. On Tuesday morning a letter dropped through the door, with an appointment for the Friday of the same week. WOW!
On the Friday I saw the dermatologist, who examined it, could not be 100% sure of what was going on due to the fact I am one of those stupid people who gets themselves coloured in, so decided it would be better to get it cut out. So treatment and diagnosis in one, as a sample would be sent off for testing.
Here we are two weeks later, and tomorrow I go into Lewisham Hospital to have it removed.
Over the past week it has become a little more uncomfortable. Possibly because I am more aware of it, and keep knocking it, but possibly because it is becoming more tender.
When discussing the lump as it was growing, I had said to Ann that if they decided to remove it, the date could be an issue. If it was much later than tomorrow it would still be healing at the end of the month, and that would not fit well with going away to Florida to get married. I never like the idea of travelling with a healing wound. This didn't go down too well, and a few people thought I was nuts for saying I would rather have it done after we got back, than travel while healing. Thankfully the dermatologist completely understood my thoughts, and tried very hard to find an appointment with the right person for the job in time.
She was even kind enough to comment on the tattoo covering the area, and say it would be a shame to ruin it, so she wanted to get it done by plastics to be sure.
All that is left to do now is see if I can convince them to let me take a pic or two. It is only a clinic setting as far as I know, not theatre.
While all this is going on, and with 30 days or so left til we exchange vows (me and Ann, not the dermatologist), I have been experimenting with drugs too!
OK , that sounds wrong, I have been adjusting the dose of my medication. Since I started on Sertraline the dose has never really been that high. Given the original reason for feeling the need for meds was "temporary", waiting on the decision from work about my Work From Home status. I was always confident that unlike previous times on meds, this time would be short lived, and as soon as I got the decision I was waiting on, I would be able to come back off them.
That decision was made a couple of months ago now, and I have carefully picked my time. Not rushing into dropping the dose, waiting for a baseline to appear again for me, then slowly starting the process. One of the key reasons for starting the drop now has been the problems getting hold of the meds in the first place. For some reason the prescription can only be repeated a few days before the last round of meds runs out. For example, prescription filled 1st Feb, 2 months worth, I am not able to request a repeat until the last week of March with just a few pills left in the pack.
Ironic getting anxious about running out of meds for anxiety and depression!
By dropping the dose slowly, I am now almost stockpiling, as I have not done it formally through the GP. I want to be in control of the dose for now, and not have it dropped, struggle on a lower dose, then panic about not being able to get a new appointment to have it increased again.
From a dose of 50mg a day (told you it was low) I first did a few weeks alternating between 25 and 50mg each day. Once levelled out and no strangeness encountered, I have now dropped to 25mg a day. That is half a pill a day.
Obviously mid way through this process, the whole lump on my arm thing has come about. So if anything was going to cause a wobble, affect my sleep, energy levels of mood, the threat of the C word would be the one. However I am happy to report that I have not struggled at all. In fact my mood has been pretty darn good to be honest. I must admit I have had a few days of not focusing properly, but in general, as you can probably tell by the length of this entry so far, my mind is working well.
That was always the #1 concern for me. Through everything, the one thing I have always clung to is my mind, and ability to communicate. It is how I cope. By sharing with others, and explaining to the world, and most of the time myself at the same time, how I am feeling, what I am thinking, and how I am coping. When my mind becomes cloudy, my mood really takes a hit.
There are of course other side effects to be had, the prevalence of which became apparent to me recently when contacted on Twitter about a comment I had made about Sertraline. It seems a large number of people feel very different sexually when taking such medications. I am no exception to this. However it is causing alarm in some circles, especially for those taking them long term. My own experience has been varied over the years, but of course I have not remained on them "long term". A couple of years was the longest period for me, and I can say that I was not affected sexually on that occasion.
This time around, taking Sertraline rather than Citalopram as I have taken in the past, I can say openly that I have very much been affected, but feel that as the dose is decreasing again, so are the side effects.
I can also definitely feel a difference physically since dropping the dose. More energy for running and cycling, getting out of bed earlier in the mornings, and just a better sense of general well-being.
I should add to this blog, that I was reminded this evening how long it has been since I last wrote anything. A brief conversation with a complete stranger, turning into a chat about mental health reminded me that it was about time I logged some thoughts and info. And it feels good to be doing it too. So thanks for the nudge, you know who you are.
Conversations with others over the past couple of weeks have also had me thinking again, and I have so much more to write. As ever my thoughts are always with those going through the lows, and I am always here to chat to. Although should add that I hate talking, and WhatsApp is always my go to.
Now that things are getting exciting and chaotic again for me, I shall make a point of making more entries again. Trying to lighten my load, while sharing my thoughts with others. The more we share, the less alone we feel on the journey. It's good to talk, express yourself, get the frustrations out of your head and into the ether for others to relate to, and offer their thoughts on.
Right, I will shut up now but as ever, thanks for reading, and watch this space.
Oh, PS, should I do an Instagram account for this blog? Sharing snippets from it, links to new blogs, and the occasional inspirational thought I might have? SnazysMind.... What do you think?