This entry was originally written on 17/8/2022. However due to delays beyond my control, it has taken this long to publish it, as it has taken 7-8 months to finalise things since this appointment. Make of that what you will. But it has been a very frustrating wait. And so much more has happened in that time, which has changed things a lot.
It has been a long time coming, and a cause of great anxiety for me, as I have mentioned before. But yesterday I finally had my appointment with Occupational Health. Before I get into that, let me do a quick (by my standards) recap of how we got here.
I started the role I am in now back in 2002, so 20 years ago now. A few years later I had my first recorded mental health episode. I am not drawing parallels here, or claiming my role caused or triggered this. For the record I love my job, and am pretty fond of the company I work for. The timing is just unfortunate.
Through the years in the role I have had a number of episodes of anxiety and depression, some of which have led to long term sickness. There has never been an obvious trigger of one of these episodes for me, just a sudden slump in mood and sense of well-being, and an immediate withdrawal from society. Over these episodes I have been prescribed medication which I have remained on for long periods, as well as been sent to counsellors and group therapy classes. I have always managed to bounce back over time.
The highs and lows have always been pretty frequent, month to month noticing changes in my mood, interactions and focus, but thankfully the massive dips have been pretty spread out. I have never quite understood what the root cause was, but just dealt with and adapted accordingly. One constant I have discovered is exercise helps me manage my mental health. Keeping active, and having an escape and distraction from day to day life keeps me far more level than I have experienced in the past. It also keeps my healthier physically too. Except for times when I am struggling to cope, when I will bury myself in exercise. Riding and running to excess, and causing myself physical harm.
Fast forward almost two decades to 2020, and the beginning of the global pandemic. Late March 2020, the instruction to Work From Home came into play, and everything changed. If you look back at blogs of mine between now and then, you will see so many positive entries, how good it feels to be away from the office environment. The feeling of being in control of my space and surroundings, and how good it made me feel mentally. Don't confuse this with the common sense of freedom many found being away from the office. Of course I felt that too, but early days it was hard for me to put my finger on, but I felt good.
As time went on, I still felt good, wasn't experiencing my usual seasonal dips in mood, and felt far more positive about life in general. The first year passed, lockdowns came and went, and the instruction to remain working from home continued, hurrah! By the start of 2022 the company started talking about the next steps, and how it included a complete review of roles which had worked from home throughout the pandemic, and a new way of working taking into consideration work-life balance, and a new hybrid working scheme. The idea was to identify which roles could just stay at home moving forward, which could split between office and home, and which would need to return to location based working. From everything that had been said along the way, my role was a no brainer for remaining at home.
As we waited for the structure to be announced there was some anxiety for me. Pretty sure it made sense we were staying at home, but needed to see it in writing. About a month ago now, we were told the decision was made, and we were.... Going back to the office 100% of the time! From WFH to WTF !!
My mind exploded, my mood spiralled and I felt the world around me crashing down. I immediately reached out to my line manager, his manager, HR, and my GP, as well as the work provided wellness provider. Expressing my distress at the decision, not to mention my amazement at it, given other similar roles were at least hybrid.
Thankfully my line manager was very understanding, and guided me on what I needed to do next. Speaking to him and HR it was decided that I should be sent to Occupational Health for a review of my situation. I won't go into specifics here, but I highlighted my mental health concerns, and pointed out how much better WFH had been for me, not only mentally, but from a work perspective, productivity wise too. It was suggested that work would of course give consideration to reasonable changes to allow for my needs, but first needed to determine what those needs were, was this a "disability" and if it was, was it long term. Trying to find out who made that decision proved quite tough. I will come to that later.
In the space of a week I found myself with a GP appointment, a referral to Lewisham IAPT services, and an appointment to speak with OH. First up, the GP appointment. I will be brief as there is a blog about this, but the outcome was the referral to IAPT, and suggestion to go onto medication. I felt I had been heard and understood by the GP, so self referred to IAPT, and picked up my prescription. Informing work of the outcome of this, I was told this would be passed on to OH for my appointment.
When I had spoken to the GP, I had asked who determines if there is a disability, and was told it was down to my work to do so. So not a medical diagnosis, but a recognition of my needs by the employer.
HR had in turn suggested that they would take lead from OH.
So here we are... Told you the recap wouldn't be too long!
The OH appointment, yesterday. The moment I had been dreading, but also a turning point in the road either way. Not a fork in the road, but a straight up T-junction, things from this point will go one way or the other. So lets take a look at the appointment, and what was covered and roughly what was said. Again, I don't want to go into too much detail as the ink is still wet on the report, and although I have heard what the report will contain, I have not seen the actual wording used yet, so don't want to get too ahead of myself.
First up was confirmation of what was going on with me. My role, time in the role, what has changed, and how I was feeling right now. I explained I had done the role for a long time now, and had experienced intermittent bouts of anxiety and depression, I didn't feel they were connected as such, but the time working from home had made me realise that being in an office environment was almost certainly detrimental to my mental health, and that during the time away from office life my mental health had improved no end. So to that extent I felt I could draw correlation between the two.
I then went on to discuss medication, and at this point I begged understanding, and explained that although prescribed, I had not yet started taking the medication, as I was concerned this dip was purely triggered by current events with WFH, and that once I had a better understanding of what was happening next, I felt that things were likely to improve rapidly on their own, without needing to be stuck on medication for a couple of years. To my surprise she almost completely agreed with this decision, and said it was worth seeing how things went in the next couple of weeks before starting them. I did of course point out that I am in no way against medication for this, and will happily start them if things did not start to improve.
Discussing the role, the needs of it, and how I interact with other employees, she said she felt that it was a good fit for a WFH or hybrid role, so was a little confused by the change. Obviously she is not employed by the company, so is not 100% aware of the roles and its needs, so can't judge too heavily based on just my input.
As the conversation went on I felt more and more comfortable speaking openly, not only about my own mental health, but also what I felt work could do to adapt things for me. We discussed how negatively even hybrid working can affect some peoples mental heath, and I pointed out that I have kept a blog/diary since we started working from home. And on reading back through it, I could not identify one point in time where I felt being back in an office environment would be better for me either mentally or productivity wise. She was pleased to hear this.
Explaining that she would now need to produce a report to send back to my HR rep, in which she would make her findings known and also make recommendations, she began to summarise what we had discussed, and what should be done moving forward from here.
First stating that I was in contact with my GP, and waiting for counselling. I was in possession of, but not currently taking my medication, which she supported.
Moving onto her understanding of my role, how practical and achievable it has been while WFH during the pandemic. Then it was time for the big one, the part that had sat heavily on my shoulders for months now. What should be done in relation to my working environment.
She said, "I am going to recommend that you continue to work from home on a permanent basis" adding "I feel that your condition is long term and on-going, and believe it would be covered by the act" Referring to the Equality Act 2010. To say I almost cried is no exaggeration, an instant wave of emotion crashed over me, washing away all the weight from my shoulders in a flash. Gone!
Given I haven't cried in about twenty years, that was quite a big deal for me!
For the next few minutes she carried on explaining what she was going to suggest to HR, what their actions should be given the situation, and more. As she did so I rudely interrupted a few times with pieces of information I felt were important to be included, such as I am of course not in any way adverse to attending meetings or other group activities on an ad-hoc basis, and my main goal here is separation from a busy office, for the sake of my mental health. I went on to say that the only two thoughts that had crossed my mind when we had been told we were returning to the office were a separate office on my own, or most likely needing to resign from my role completely.
I also asked about the definition of "disability" in this situation, and who actually determines this. Having asked my GP and HR about it already, I was desperate to find out who does this. Given she had mentioned it, I thought I would ask. The reply was simple, her "recommendations" should be enough for most companies in most situation to determine there is indeed a long term disability which requires recognition and adaptation. However the only body who can formally stamp the work "disability" would be an employment tribunal, which she hoped there would be no need for.
Rounding off the conversation, I thanked her sincerely for listening to me, and understanding so many of the confusing things I might have said. Expressing how life changing just this conversation had been, and how anxious I had been leading up to it, only to feel such an overwhelming sense of relief immediately afterwards. The conversation ended with her telling me that she felt her report would be enough to encourage the company to allow continued working from home moving forwards, that there should be no need for any follow up appointment with her, but she was more than happy to speak again if things do not work out, or there are future concerns.
WOW !!!
Now, I am not stupid. Writing this the day after the appointment, with HR having not yet seen, let alone digested the report, I am very aware that this actually changes nothing formally at this stage. By the time I publish this blog, I will have received my copy of the report, and hopefully so will HR. Furthermore I hope we will have spoken about it, or at least have a meeting in the pipeline, with some indication of their intentions towards the report. None the less, even at this point, I feel so much better.
Having spoken to a number of friends about the appointment, the findings and recommendation of OH, everyone feels that this is definitely a positive thing. Regardless of what happens next, a massive weight has been lifted, I no longer feel like I am making this all up just so I can be a hermit and work from home, getting my own way. Instead I feel like I have been recognised as having a condition which makes doing my role, in the proposed setting incredibly uncomfortable and mentally unsettling for me. Something I only came to realise by chance due to the global pandemic. WFH giving me the separation and time to realise that it is not the role, it is not the company, it is the office setting which causes me so much mental exhaustion, and impacts both my work and private life long term. In a word, vindicated!
There is a still a long road ahead, or at least it feels that way. So many things could happen from here on in. Just now it feels like none of them can be considered negative. In my mind now, returning to working from a shared office is no longer a reality, or should I say fear. Instead WFH is possibly on the cards, with a multitude of other less favourable, but not negative, options floating around. If for any reason the report is ignored, then there is a process to follow at this point, but I am confident it will not come to that.
Looping back round to the start of this whole process, and the email from HR, it seems the decision should be a simple one. The point of referring me to OH in the first place was, I quote
"we will need to send you to our occupational health provider to understand if you have a disability and what that disability is and get some professional advice on what we need to know as employers. Once we receive a report back, we can then have a discussion on what is next, but without this we are unable to determine if you will continue to work from home or return to the office."
So make of that what you will, but I think the stage is set. Of course, even with the best outcome, this doesn't mean there will not be some form of "managing" me, but I will just leave that thought there for now.
Of course there is one last thing, and that is the groups appeal to the manager, which has now gone higher up, to remain working from home as an entire workgroup (in our own houses, not at one!). The decision of this appeal is still outstanding, and could negate this whole process for me if it is decided that the role is indeed in the scope of WFH. Either way, I am pleased to have had the consultation, and recognition from OH that I do indeed have "needs" and a long term condition. Wow that feels good to say!
The next bit below was written a day or three after the part above, due to waiting on the report from OH and the reaction from HR.
I wrote the line above in the genuine belief that the process was simple and would take a matter of days to finalise. However, 7-8 months later, and although I have had a verbal conversation with my HR, I am still awaiting anything in writing, or a formal Teams meeting with HR and my manager to absolutely settle the matter once and forever. So its been more like 180 days, rather than 2 or 3, and I am still kinda waiting, although not out of my mind and frantic any longer.