Very strange, but as I took a nap this morning after waking for the first time I fell into a deep sleep and subsequently had a dream, and a weird one at that. I was at a strange house, mum was there on a day bed in a small lounge with someone else milling around in the house. I was sitting next to mum on the bed, and had my laptop open for some reason while we spoke. Guess I might have been showing her something. She became irate and asked the other person to get me to leave. I spoke directly back to mum asking why she was being aggressive and angry with me. It was like one of the times when she would get upset and just start shouting telling everyone to leave her alone. When it happened in reality I used to take it in my stride, but for some reason in my dream I was taking it very much to heart, and getting upset with her. As she got angry, I threw my laptop on the floor... She shouted again and with that I stood up and screamed.... That is when I woke.
My guess at making sense of this, is that over the time of caring for her, and putting up with mood swings, outbursts, and other equally upsetting situations, I just bottled it up. And finally as it all leaves my system, and things return to normal I am just letting it all out. Finally displaying how I felt during these exchanges, and trying to deal with the things that cut a lot deeper than I first thought they had.
For the next few hours after waking up I was a little down and quiet about things, but as the day has progressed I have cheered up somewhat. I have a few debts etc that I need to take care of at the moment, but nothing along the stress levels of before, so I don't think they are contributing towards the situation. Just have to see how the next few nights go.
Its the first time I have had such an episode, so here's to hoping I have no more of them.
With the conclusion of my disciplinary hearing for conduct due early this afternoon, the morning for me is just dragging on. That plus still feeling ill after a week. I have a UTI or kidney infection, so am currently knocked for six. Sleep is my friend, yawning my enemy.
So in the next few hours the last truly stressful thing left in my life will reveal itself, and I will see what the future holds there after... I will edit and update this entry as soon as I know.
But for now, I'm back in bed......
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OK so I never got around to finishing this entry, so will cover everything in my next entry, coming very soon.
Not quite sure why, yesterday I went to St Christopher's to see the counsellor for the last time. If I want to speak to anyone after this I will have to speak to Bereavement Counselling, which I don't really think is much use to me. Instead when money balances out a little I will treat myself to return to private counselling. Just to keep the flow of things coming out of my brain, and make sure it has somewhere to go.
Since that meeting, with all the crap going on at work has added to the load too, along with some meds I'm on making me very tired, and suddenly I'm feeling just a little bit crappy about things. Mind over running at night making the sleep situation even more.
But the worst thing for me at the moment is a stomach pain/ache I get when I draw a long breath, like a yawn. It has become so bad over the past 48 hours that my body now reacts as soon as I start a yawn, making it shallow or stopping it totally. OK its not agony, but discomfort. Like you have eaten too much, a constant bloated feeling. There are a couple of tender spots there too. So if it is still there at the end of the week I will go and see my GP.
Last thing I need right now is more worry or stress but hey, what can you do eh.
Right, time to get on with the reality and day to day runnings of my life, and stop being distracted all the time.
Its a great starting to a sentence isn't it? But then those with foresight rarely use it. Knowing right from wrong, having morals, and knowing where the line that should never be crossed is all help in avoiding the retrospective conversations.
However, for once im going to use it, and hopefully demonstrate some maturity in the process. Comments I have made in the past 24 hours, in retrospect, do not give a true reflection of my attitude or intentions. OK so it is becoming more and more apparent that someone has gone to a lot of trouble to ensure I receive a lot of attention, and pushing me to the brink of losing my job, let alone my mind at times. Pressure applied to managers, open discussions in the office discussing his unhappiness at the situation with me, but never once coming to me directly and saying "I think you are out of order/taking the piss" If the lack of doing that was due to the understanding of the issues I faced, then why go behind my back and cause so much trouble. With all that was going on in life for me, tough decisions being made, and mum slipping away, the last thing I needed was a notification of disciplinary from work.... But I got one anyway.
However, looking at the situation as a whole, I will offer an olive branch, take pity on the person who threw this all upon me, and be man enough to take it all with a pinch of salt. its only human nature to get upset, and sometimes be irrational. So the damage is done, to my record, but more importantly to the reputation and respect of the other party invovled. The other party who everyone knows who he is, who will be treated differently by others, and trusted by few. It is true to say that those who live in greenhouses should not throw stones.
In short, I cant be bothering with remonstrating about this sort of thing. My mother died last month, and my daughter is hopefully going to be back in my life soon, so why do I care about any of this rubbish! A path will be followed, an outcome will be made, and people will be judged... Rightly or wrongly so, the truth is out there for others to form their own opinions. And while most accept a degree of bitching.... no one likes a grass!
An open letter to all at St Christophers Hospice in Sydenham.
For as far back as I can remember, way back into the early years of my childhood, the name St Christophers has been regular to conversations and teachings from my mother. Constantly singing praises of the work done there, and pointing out when we passed on the bus that although hospital signs were near by, this was no ordinary hospital, but rather an extraordinary place.
As the years went on, and I started driving I began to understand what actually happened within the walls of St Christophers, and heard more and more about how amazing the people who worked in there more. Seeing the name appear in more and more places, charity drives, local newspaper articles etc. Then when I met Donna when I was about 24-25, and heard her mum worked there (Barbara Sage) I looked into it a little more and was blown away at what they did there. Once again though, I was still too far back from there to realise just HOW amazing it was.
Then back in 2008 mum was diagnosed with cancer and my life changed forever. For 2 and a half years I worked hard making sure mum had everything she needed, and tried everything I could to keep her smiling, not believing that there was anyone out there capable of helping her the way I could. How wrong would I turn out to be! By the end of 2010 mum had reached the stage where her condition was taking a turn for the worse. Being diagnosed with brain cancer she went onto steroids. At the same time St Christophers became involved, making home visits and arranging counselling for the family. Building trust with the home care team she started to feel more confident in the idea of help, and as time went on her first admission for respite occurred. Finally I was walking into the working end of the real St Christophers. Having previously seen the Anniversary suite, and being impressed by its facilities etc, I was blown away when we went to the first ward. Wow! It was like a hospital tucked away down a side road. But there was more to come.
Even on the first night came, mum was feeling comfortable and safe for the first time in a long time. As the days went on, it was apparent that the level of care and compassion she would receive would be nothing less than that from an extended close and loving family. Bonds built overnight. Banter flowed, while the personal knowledge of each patient that each tier of staff had was mindblowing.
In total mum had 3 stays in St Christophers. Towards the end it became a place off comfort and solace for her. While she always said being at home was her wish, her stress levels would disappear each time an ambulance came for her to take her back to the hospice. Health would generally improve or at least stabilise.
Getting to know the staff pretty well, it was always an emotional goodbye when we left, for mum and me I have to say. Dreading how I would cope without these amazing people behind me, but always knowing help was never too far away. Mums last stay was a little emotional for her, as the allowance for respite breaks was coming to an end, and there was little that could be done for mum as she was neither improving, nor end of life. So when the social team arranged a meeting with me, my sister and mum to talk about the next step, homes, mum was somewhat angry about it all, or should I say a little afraid of what to expect. A home was found, and mums last stay at St Christophers came to an end. With a loving goodbye we moved onto Westwood House.
Sadly mum passed almost 2 weeks later, but in privacy, with dignity, and in no pain, so it was what she always wanted.
It is a month to the day that mum died, and the dust has settled now, so I thought I would make this entry to just simply say.
St Christophers and all your staff, not forgetting your volunteers, contributors, sponsors and anyone else I have missed out... You are all amazing selfless people who made the 9 months of mums life happy, enjoyable and incredible. So from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU all. I will forever be in your debt, and will always give back in anyway I can. I can honestly pass my mothers thanks and love to each and every one of you, and indeed my love too, for making those dark days a little brighter.
Cleansing rain, washing away all the troubles and trials of the past week, metaphoric and real life. Its the second day for me returning to a 'normal' life. Back to work, back to a routine that revolves around me. More importantly back earning money to pay off the bills and debts of recent months.
After weeks of waiting I finally received my first ESA payment from the DWP. Employment Support Allowance on the same day I return to work and no longer qualify for it. The trials and tribulations of trying to claim from a system I have paid into faithfully for over 20 years now. But that's another matter. Something I will come back to.
In the meantime, this is me and work we are talking about here, so let's continue. After months of hoping and promising them to go back to work, I have finally done it. Straight in at the deep end, full hours, full days. Although returning to work on the Weds before a bank holiday secures an easy return. 3 days this week, 4 days next week, then full 5 from week 3. Not planned, but has worked out well. Yesterday went well, not too much stress for the first day back, which was good as I still needed a refresher on how to do what, and refreshing all my passwords, clearing email etc.
It feels good to know what I am doing at a given time of day, and for what duration. In a cruel way its nice not to wake in a mad rush to get to the hospice or home each morning, then seeing what I have time left to do with the remainder of the morning or day. I have turned a leaf in my life. Completing a chapter which has been a challenge, and now returning to the path ahead of me. Ok no one likes to work, but in fairness Fedex have been good to me most of the time, and I am grateful to have a job to return to at this testing time.
I am still loaded with ambition and desire though, and still have drive to learn further skills so I have options. Part 3 here I come!
Day to day life feels so very different these days. Sitting around watching the news while I eat breakfast in my lounge, how novel. Probably the first time in my life that I have done this, other than while on holiday. Laying out on the sofa to write this part of the entry feels great. As I wait for the clock to signal the start of Day 3 at work for me, I have nothing stressing me really. Bills that were worrying me were addressed yesterday, and I work in the knowledge that I will at least have some income on payday.
Am I still a complete mentalist, am I still in the wrong place to work, or will this be the day the doctor finally agrees that I can return to work, and fully at that?
And also my financial reckoning too, what will become of my money situation. Will I be given help after over 20 years of working, or left to suffer because I'm not enough of a f**k up!
Well its early evening now, quite a while since I wrote the start of this entry, and it has indeed been quite a day. First off I went to the GP at 8am to make a same day appointment. I was given 9.50 as my time. Came home and fed the dogs and did a bit of tidying to pass the time, then back to the GP. We had a good long chat about how the funeral had gone, how I was feeling etc, and after some contemplation he agreed I could return to work on my full hours. If nothing else, to help me restructure my life. His only condition was that I go back to work tomorrow, so I start the day knowing I have work, rather than just falling into work on unsteady feet.
When I came home from the GP there was a letter from the DWP (dept of work and pensions). I knew it would say one of three things... Yes, No, or we need more info. I must have sat staring at the letter for 10 mins before opening it. Eventually curiosity overcame the fear and I ripped it open. It started "Dear Mr Snasdell, I am pleased....." That's all I needed to read. Thank heavens for that.
Agreeing to pay many weeks of backdated benefits, I can finally start to claw my way out of this financial hell hole I am in. Missed payments, misunderstandings, and mis-management of some of my affairs have left me in a right mess, but now there is even something coming in, there is relief too. Now I can call creditors etc and have something to say, rather than "I can't pay", which to me is something big, I hate empty, pointless words.
So now today I have made a couple of phonecalls to some of these people, and they have been wonderful. Blackhorse were amazingly helpful, and made me feel so much better about it. Not sure I will be able to say the same about others yet lol.
For now, I am taking a break after walking one of the dogs, and getting my thoughts together on what to do next.
Today is a weird day for me. Believe it of not its the first whole day I have spent on my own since mum passed. Up until now I have been surrounded by friends, children, and family. But today I'm not. That's not a bad thing, in fact its a step in the right direction, however its been weird. More time to think about things, miss mum, and find my feet. The first time I actually missed mum was a couple of days ago, something happened that I would always have talked to mum about, to blow off steam and calm down, but she isn't there now. So finding new ways to cope with such matters is a learning curve. That's not to say I don't miss mum in other ways, but its the first "oh crap, she's not here" moment I have had. Don't realise how important some things are and what you rely on, until they go eh!
But in general I think everyone is coping well. I think I need a good long chat about things soon, to friends or to the blog at least, so look out for an epic entry.
So there you go, an interesting day for me, changing the way things are looking for sure. And while there is change in my life, Libya is about to fall to the rebels. We are all fighters really, just all for different causes.
Seems like my ride on the emotional rollercoaster isn't over just yet like I thought it would be. Raging tempers, irrational behaviour and feeling like I'm some sort of idiot with no decency or common sense is what I feel right now. Losing my temper over the smallest things, and not being able to get over it for increasing periods of time.
I don't know what has brought this on. Talking about mum to many people who I can open up to, I am fine about it, there are really no underlying regrets, upsets or angers about the whole thing. Maybe this is just part of me taking control over my life again, and being over protective about it. Maybe its confusion in my mind about where I am in life and what I want right now. Either way, its seriously pissing me off right now, and I'm getting angry about being angry! How the hell does that work?
A quiet stream, a rock to sit on, and some pebbles to throw into the water to make ripples is where I need to be right now. I would be there to if I had the money, up in Wales around Snowdonia would be idyllic. Then I could scream as loud as I want, and worry no-one.
I wonder if I stress people as much as they stress me at times. Probably more me stressing others if the truth be known.
I'm currently sitting in the car, in the roasting sunshine, in an ADSA carpark (right over in the corner), just to get some fresh air (albeit hot) and just to be in a safe place so I don't rip anyones throat out for speaking to me, or making me stressed. I really wish I knew where all this was coming from, but I have no idea. And before you wonder or worry, yes my medication is all up to date.
Each time I rise from a low, something like this brings me down. Seemingly forgetting certain details of what's happened. Which worrys me, am I blacking out, am I saying things I don't know I'm saying, or have I actually really got some form of underlying mental issue that I need help for? Quite a scary realisation.
People have made huge sacrifices to accommodate me over the past 6-8 months, and all I find myself doing is crapping on them in return. Its a horrible feeling to see and feel control of things slipping away from you, and quite frankly, I am actually considering an evaluation soon.
Thanks for reading, don't think I'm a freak just yet please.
And that was the final word on the occasion. Yesterday was the funeral of a mother, a grandmother, a sister and a dear friend to so many people, including myself. A day we have known as been coming for a long time now, but never knowing for sure how each of us would feel and react on the day. This uncertainty has loomed over me for over 3 years, and in the past year losing John, Tas and Graeme, but failing to grieve in any way, I have wondered if I was saving it all up for mum. This curiosity has eaten away at me for so long now, and mums passing, then her service were always going to be the true test. Strangely, to some at least there has been no grief, only a small period of mourning, and some fond recollections of our years together, first as her child, then a friend, and ending as her carer and companion making her final weeks as comfortable and dignified as possible. It may surprise people, but I have to say that the whole event has been a huge relief in so many ways. No more suffering in pain, or taking tablets to appease others. No more appointments, examination, worries or stress. No more feeling that she was a burden upon us, nor needing to apologise when she felt she had put us out of our way to do something. A mother and a dear friend is lost forever, and I cannot say that doesn't sadden me. No longer can I get her hooked on new TV programs, talk to her about my day, or make her proud of my next achievement in life.
However all that said and done, I have 38 years of memories, silly stories, times of comfort, experiences of wonder. I have learned so much from mum it is unreal. Common interests, shared beliefs in the world, and times of happiness and sadness, always shared. I am the son of an amazing woman, and I will forever carry her in my heart. Doing things in her honour, making her proud whenever I can. Remembering all she has ever taught me, and most certainly the lessons I learned in the past few years. To never give up, rise in the face of adversity, be strong whenever the occasion calls, but never be afraid to show your true emotions and feelings when the time is right. I have seen a few people in my life battle such cruel diseases, each one of them eventually losing their battle. But none have ever refused to face their opponent. None have rolled over and said "take me". I am so choked to have lost these wonderful people from my life, but so very proud to have known such strong, determined, and wonderful, warm individuals. Always trying to rise above their issues to maintain a normal life, always wanting to help other people rather than dwelling on their own problems. I am truly blessed to have known you all.
For me, my journey continues. For every day I am blessed with, I feel a duty to live it for all. Not always an outstanding memorable day. But a day lived for all, appreciating the gift of life I have, and never daring to be ungrateful for another day surrounded by such wonderful caring people. People I shared mums final journey with yesterday. Close friends, family and neighbours. Their presence there made the day an outstanding and fitting tribute to such a strong woman, so I thank each of you from the depths of my sometimes dark heart.
As I listened to the tribute to her be read, I smiled. I loved the simplicity, yet beauty of the casket, as she would have too, and just pictured mum there, finally resting, in the knowledge that she has been an amazing mother, and done her children proud and beyond. Hearing the all the things she has done in her life, I could do nothing but smile with love and honour to mum. Standing to read my own words I chose not to read my pre-written piece, but to speak from my heart, thanking all present for sharing this final moment with us, and reflecting on the pride I live with, the lessons learned from my mother, and how she will forever be present.
As I contemplate my next move, I do it in the knowledge that my mind is once again free. Free from stress, worry and anxiety. A little depression remaining but that is purely down to money. A weight has been lifted, and while mums body is free of pain now, I am also free, but of strain. It is hard to comprehend how much pressure you can find yourself under during times of long term terminal illness, unless you have been there yourself. To those who have, I salute you, to those who are on this journey now, I offer my support to you, and for anyone who isn't, if you know someone who is, give them your hand to hold when times are hard, your arms to bare the load when the pressure is on, and your heart to allow them to share their worries and sadness.
My heart is with my other friends who have loved ones who are fighting this battle now. As I regain my strength I offer my hands and heart to you whenever you need it.
I will finish up by explaining the images attached, and a few closing words. The image of the flower is a lily mum took great pride in. Growing in the pond at home. The picture was taken by me on my first DSLR camera, and an image she took with her to hospitals, hospices and the final home. This will end up as part of a tattoo I am having done in her memory. The flowers and card are those at the chapel after her service. Wanting no fuss, only a few flowers were brought along, as she preferred the beauty of them growing, rather than cut and wrapped. But thank you for those who brought flowers. And the final image, well that's me. Trying to put together a look that would have made her proud. Pink tie and hanky to add colour and pay tribute with the official cancer colour. And a strange decision but Farah trousers, just like those bought for me at school over 20 years ago. Struggling to find the extra money to add towards my ILEA clothing grant for school, so I could have fashionable trousers and fit in at school. So mum, the Farah's are for you.
So onwards and upwards now. I shall return to strength while always remembering where I got my fighting spirit.
Thank you mum for all you have done for me, to raise me into a man you could be proud of. I am proud to say that Ann Snasdell was my mother, and that I am the son of an amazing woman, a great friend, and a soldier. I love you mum, as much today as every other day, and will do forever. I miss you so much from my life, but know you will always be there in my heart.
