Author: Michael Snasdell

As the days have passed since mum left us, things have seemed to be pretty normal. While its what I was expecting, there have been a few uncertainties along the way, along with some weird feelings and moods. I am still sleeping quite a lot, dozing when I can, and staying in bed as late as possible in the mornings too. But this is something else.

A loneliness that cannot be satisfied, an emptiness that cannot be refilled. But I can't quite put my finger on what's going on in my head. No constant sadness, no depth to the feelings of depression. Maybe the word is unstable. The slightest little thing can tip the weight on my mood right now. I am just hovering in the middle of happy and sad, swaying between the two at the slightest change of the social wind.

I am at ease talking about mum passing, no pent up feelings about the situation. All things considered, I believe I probably got more closure with mum than most people do when someone passes. The closeness of feeding her, and sitting with her. Nothing left unsaid, and all cards on the table, which is exactly how I have always wanted. So I don't think its that.

The bigger issue for me is the decisions that have always been weighted by mums condition, and have made things hard to do because of the uncertainty of how I would be when she passed. Now she is gone there is nothing stopping some of these things, and with others there are more obstructions than I had first imagined.

Without mum in my life I am for the first time an adult with no senior, and feel like I have choices to make, and need to put my own stamp on life. For years now I have imagined how it would be, and to a great degree that's how its all played out. But there are other areas I have full control over now, and maybe I'm just lacking confidence. Like a learner driving for the first time after passing their test, I know all the theory, and have experience in the practical, but putting it all together and going at it solo... That's just a bit scary!

Right now I'm sitting in the garden with a big grey cloud over my head, and that's not just a metaphor. But its a graphical representation of how things feel right now. Gloomy and stormy. With drops of rain constantly falling, I really can't be bothered to go in. Combined with the cool wind its a welcome break from the hot and sticky day we have had. And maybe that best defines how I am being right now, hot and cold. Changing like the weather in the day, finding the best way to pass a few hot hours before the changes move in and I have to adapt again.

I am probably pretty crap company right now, my attention span to things varies from full on to not bothered in minutes. Even things that I love like shopping are slipping in my interest ratings over the past few days. I guess lack of money can impact on that quite heavily too, and maybe that in itself is one of the roots to my unhappiness right now.

Things don't seem quite as bad at work as I might have first thought in my own delightful paranoid way, but I'm still uncertain what to expect. Either way income is what I need right now, and once that's flowing again, maybe I can really start to get back on my feet.
How about I just blame money for now, it seems a logical reason to feel pissed off, and its something that's kinda in my control. So let's be positive here. I'm touchy because of outstanding bills, and not enjoying shopping as I have no cash, so once I do have money flowing again, everything will be alright.

In reality I am blessed with great friends, who have been so supportive over the past months, some might say I have more friends there for me than most. So how about I stop being selfish and ungrateful, and start to appreciate the priceless things I do have in life. Quite good health all things considered, a roof over my head, great friends, and people who care for me and love me on many levels, all I need to add to that it a touch of positive thinking, a pinch of hope, and a sprinkle of faith.

So there is my life recipe, now let's pop it in the oven and see what becomes of it.

Its amazing how refreshing writing this blog is at times. As I write, it makes sense, as I share, the load becomes lighter. Some see it as a weird thing to do, sharing too much personal information with complete strangers, others find it heartwarming that someone can just open up like this and let them into their lives. Helping with their own situations, making sense of what otherwise seems so lonely and individual. To me its empowering, screaming from the top of the WWW, while at the same time softly whispering my woes to people who care, and those who are there to help me along the way.

Years ago I started to write a book which I am determined to finish writing. Its impact on others has been huge, without ever being published, so to me written word is so very powerful. Now I am again inspired, not only to self help by writing this blog, but to try and help others by doing more writing. Let's see how that turns out. At this pace I could be doing a chapter a day with ease.

Thank you for reading, even if its only one person. Comments are always welcomed, but knowing there is any audience whatsoever is the bit that makes it all make sense.

Thank you 🙂

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Fresh air, space and time to breathe for the first time in a while. Where am I, or was I? Cannock Chase, in the company of Samantha. A long time BBM buddy who I have been meaning to meet with for months now. So while in Derby it made sense to make time to finally meet up. And what a beautiful location to meet. Yet another part of the UK I MUST return to, with my mountain bike.

Just sitting in the back of the car, taking in the peace and quiet, and the calm surroundings of other people relaxing and haing fun.

Conversation with a new person is always easy, especially seeing as I don't shut up haha. As soon as we had met and got acquainted it was time to go again, but another friendship made, and bond created. Its nice to find common ground and someone easy to talk to, so I'm glad that she is there. I'm sure BBM will seem different now.

The journey there and back was eventful too. Within 10 mins of the journey starting I had a Micra decide to stop on the A38 sliproad to join the traffic, sudden stop or what. Then stuck behind a van doing 35 in a 60. It seemed every over cautious person was on the road today, there is careful, and there is irritating and slow.... Maybe I was just being a little short tempered as I was pushed for time.

On the way back there had been a smash on the A38, with a very shaken family on the central reservation with a smashed BMW. Makes you think about the risks of driving.

Yesterday I went to see Graeme's mum and dad. Its been a few months since he passed now, so I felt it an appropriate time to touch base with them, check in to see how they were doing, and have a good chat. I didn't realise we had so much to say to each other, but every word was worth while. Sharing emotions of the final days of Graeme and my mum, finding out all that has happened since his passing and seeing how his memory lives on. I am so grateful that my journey took me to theirs, as it feels like I have faced a demon, and overcome something. I cannot think of a more emotional thing than talking to his parents about him and mum. If anything would trigger emotions, it was that.

I have also spoken to my counsellor Peter via Facebook and email, and received some good advice about how to cope with things, and when to consider further counselling. Very unbiased, and nice to know there is a genuine figure of support there. Thank you Peter.

With the big day closing in, the thought of memorial has sprung to the front of my mind. Seeing some lovely pewter abstract urns in Catford the other day, I decided that I would very much like one. And also to take a little more with me on any foreign trips I may go on. So now the hunt is on for appropriate vessels for such causes. One for the display cabinet and one for taking away with me.

Another thing that has touched me is the groups of people that are going to try and make the service. Its heartwarming to know how some people care, and are willing to go to any length to offer support as and when they can.

Right, I guess that's enough sentiment for one day. Tomorrow I must go and get something suitable to wear to the service.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

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The first weekend after mums passing when the pressure isn't on to achieve much, and I have to say it sucks. Its not necessarily it dawning on me that mum has died, but more that I am on my own til Monday evening now, and don't have anything to fill the void of time with.
Limited money, bills coming up soon etc, its just deciding how I best use the funds available.
I could travel north, see my aunt before the funeral, stop in with friends and find some other things to do. But I would need to tax the car first, then pay the petrol too. That said it would help to have the car on the road by Wednesday for the funeral, so that cost is 'justified'.

I could visit friends more locally, but to get to most friends I actually want to see would again take a car, or rail tickets.

I'm not sure what I actually want though, company, comfort, or something to keep me occupied. So that kind of makes my decision of what to do a little harder.

My day didn't start too well, struggling to wake up from a bad dream. I had had a car accident and smashed through a motorway barrier and slid down the side of a house. From gaining consciousness in the car after the 'accident' I was actually aware it was a dream, but was fighting desperately to wake from it. Very distressed in the dream and getting more distressed in real life, after what seemed like a few minutes I managed to wake, but was very shaken by that point.

After taking some time to get myself together I managed to get started on the day. Dogs fed, it was my turn, but no milk, so dry Frosties for me. Then I have got on with a little sort out, some washing up, and sorted a couple of bills.

And that's it.... Now the day has stalled somewhat, and I am left with nothing much I want to do. There are some bits of rearranging to do, some bits to clear out, and some other jobs I can't be bothered with right now.

If I do go away I might offer the house to my sister and kids, give them a bit of space to relax a bit, and have some personal space.

Right I better get one... I have loads to do........NOT!

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So its a week since mum passed now (ok 8 days if you must), and so much has happened in that time its hard to keep up. From the word go it has been full on. Travelling to Wales the day mum passed, to see her sister, spending some valuable time there with my aunt Joan. Staying with Cadell at the end of the weekend, and chilling out with Archie. Then coming back to a broken London.

As per the blog, the next few days were spent observing the riots and wondering what would happen next. Then visiting the registry office and the funeral directors (Steven Mears) to make the plans. Sorting out the chosen music for the day, and coming up with the most beautiful piece I have heard in years, Ludovico Einaudi's, I Giorni.

Once those arrangements were out of the way, the remainder of the time has been spent getting other affairs into order, like benefits claim, doctors appointment and seeing as well as speaking with friends and mums friends to see who can attend on Wednesday. If I haven't already mentioned, the funeral is On Wednesday 17th August, at 10.45am in Honor Oak Crematorium.

Meanwhile in other events, the riots, or the aftermath at least. How refreshing it is to see, that over 1000 people have now been arrested. Over 500 charged, and many processed at courts working throughout the night. What pleases me most is that lots of the arrests have come following the little scrotes having THEIR doors and windows smashed in. It sucks to be you right now eh! If you have not been arrested yet, watch over your shoulder... They are coming for you.

Skipping back to the arrangements for mum, I spoke with my half sister Lynn earlier today. She has not seen mum for many years now, but is choked up about her passing and will be coming, with her extended family to the funeral. So Steve, Simone, Sammy, Thomas will all be there, and are coming quite some distance. So thank you to them for making such an effort. Unfortunately some of mums friends will be unable to make it due to Sainsburys not allowing them a little bit of time off to pay their respects. So that's a whole chunk of people I would have loved to have seen on the day, unable to make it.

Still not sure who else is coming, but will be using the medium of Facebook to send out a blanket message to gauge who will be and won't be. Helps to know who to expect, so there are no shocks or disappointments on the day. There are a few I hope don't come, but if they do, I will be polite.

In the meantime on speaking to my GP he has signed me off until the week after the funeral. He thought I should leave it longer, but a distraction and a routine will be good.

Right I better get on, I have phone calls to make to people to tell them I have no money, doh!

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It is with a heavy heart that I tell the readers of this blog that my mother, Ann Snasdell slipped away peacefully this afternoon.

She has fought an amazing battle with cancer and many other health issues, but finally passed away today.

I would like to take this chance to thank everyone for taking the time to read and respond to this blog, as well as offer their support.

I will make a full entry later, but for now, rest in peace mum, with me forever. X

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I arrived early this morning and walked in on mum crying out in pain and distress. She had just been given morphine, and the hope was that would settle things down for her. Unfortunately an hour and a half later the pain is spreading, the distress and discomfort is getting worse, and there is no sign of it letting up.

Having removed her pad, it also appears she has had an accident in the bed, but is in so much distress, she cannot be moved at this time to sort this out.

Over the past hour she has been crying out, sometimes with cries of "oh Michael" but then running out of breath before she can say what she is trying to. Almost like the scene of a dying man trying to give up the name of the killer, or location of the treasure. Infuriating and frustrating to say the least. If she could just tell me where the pain was, I could direct help to her.

She flails in pain on the bed as I sit there being unable to do anything other than a hand of support and comfort. She looks on at me like a child wanting the parent to just take the pain away, but I'm helpless. Refusing to have her hearing aid in, I'm not able to speak to her very much, so that's causing problems too as she mis-hears what I say and gets more frustrated with me.

Its strange, as I look at her there helpless, in pain, the range of thoughts going through my mind range from, this is the wonderful person who gave birth to me, and gave me life. Now I sit and watch her life draining away. Right through to how I wish the suffering could just be over with. And I know at points this is a thought she shares.

They have just, as I write, administered more morphine, and called for the GP as they are not happy with her deteriorating condition. Hopefully the extra dose of morphine will help a little more. Fingers crossed.

Throughout the morning her short comments have ranged from "I don't want to give up" right through to "I can't take this anymore". So it is hard to gauge her true feeling on the matter. I know she has never wanted to go through pain like this, and it was always her wish to pass before things got unbearable. But the not giving up comment changes all that.

Her refusal to take new antibiotics for a urine infection have not helped, as that itself is adding to the pain she is going through, although unlikely to be the only cause of this bout of discomfort. I'm hoping the GP can offer a little more guidance on this, but I know they can't perform miracles. With mum unable to talk right now, that isn't going to help matters either. She says a few short words to me, but tends to just ignore medical staff.

In the meantime all I can do is sit here, be some comfort, keep my sister and others informed of what's happening, and hope for her pain to ease sometime soon. I feel amazingly calm about this, and am surprised at home easy this is to go through. Yes I find it distressing to see my mum in this level of pain, but at the same time I am seemingly coping with it. Just like arriving on the scene of an accident, the natural instinct has kicked in, emotions are put to one side, and I find myself just getting on with the job in hand. I had this scenario with my counsellor about a year ago, and its playing out exactly as expected.

Right, so this blog entry has given me enough of a distraction now, I better get on, grab a coffee and wait to see what the GP says. Hopefully whatever the case, it can be dealt with here.

Thanks for reading.

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Here at Westwood House with my mummy 🙂

She may be taking a rest, but it feels great to be here. Connected, comforting, and just doing the right thing really. There is little I can do as breath is short for her, so conversation has to be kept short. Instead I find it easier to talk to her, so she can listen in short spurts. Local things, messages from people, and interesting news. Not money worries, or other depressing stuff.

Its great to actually grasp with what is needed, and to understand how best to be with her, rather than overwhelming her, and bombarding her with talk, questions and pressure to perform.

As she drifts in and out I just continue from where I was, as if she just closed her eyes. That way she doesn't feel the need to apologise all the time for dropping off.

At the moment she is snoozing, and sounds a little uncomfortable. Its times like this that honesty surfaces, and the masking of any pain or discomfort appears. Things to note for the next time a doctor or nurse does the rounds.

She really isn't very well right now, and from what I see there is unlikely to be any significant improvement from this state. Maybe an infection will pass a little and she may perk up. But from the wasting away of her muscle and tissue, she is unlikely to recover much strength or mobility from this state.

Its sad to see this unfold, but at the same time its natures cruel way, and there is little that can be done. So it is easier to try and accept it and go with the flow to be the best support to her I can.

Rather than mental turmoil within, and struggling to be of any use.

The final day may be a long way off, or very close. Whatever the case, I will be here whenever I can, just to be company for her, and comfort when needed.

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Jeez as if going home today isn't bad enough, the journey is just here to torment me now. First train made an emergency stop from speed, refreshing to know the brakes work, thanks for that.

On arrival at St Pancras my stupid damn ticket would not work through the barriers, leaving me queuing being a stack of tourists trying to use all manner of tickets, etickets and passes. I then discovered my connection was NOT coming due to flooding on the line.

Next up, well I had to get a tube to London Bridge. Hot day, sweaty people, yucky time to be on a tube, let alone when you are having a bad day.

OK so finally made it to London Bridge, result....

Nope, 5 mins before the train was due to depart it had no platform... Eventually 2 mins before it was due to leave, that word appeared.... DELAYED! Next train due in 15 mins but already had a platform, so I headed for that. My useless damn ticket still won't work on the barriers, but eventually I'm through and on the train. Sorted!

Errm nope, after 5 mins the doors locked, lights went out and AC went off. So we sat there for another 5 wondering wtf was going on.

I am however please to report the train is now moving and heading for Forest Hill.... I hope!

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This time always sucks, facing up to the realities of life, responsibilities and commitments. Its all those things that I so frequently want to escape, and I guess over recent months have probably done this a little too often. But right now, with everything the way it is, it just feels the right thing to do.

Debt mounting, mum worsening, work looking less and less favourable (understandably), but all makes a pretty grim life to go back to.

All that said and done, once I hop on the train and start heading towards home a transformation will begin, and by the time I arrive home, I will be someone else, and begin living my normal life.

News on the wires is that mum is still getting worse, so if nothing else, that's the reason to get back. And of course to see my beautiful dogs 🙂

The journey begins NOW!

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Have you ever reached a point in your life where you have to make a choice. Choose a direction, aim yourself to a goal, and commit to it? Sucks doesn't it!
It seems so easy to look on at people and decide for them, and drop the "well if that was me" line, but actually being there, that's so very different. Mindbending, confusing, frustrating and actually quite upsetting.

Whatever you decide in life it will never suit everyone. Someone is always left out in the cold, or gets the short end of the stick. Every direction offers hope and also threatens disappointment and rainy days. I think we all know there is no such thing as perfection. So its a matter of holding your breath, hoping for the best and committing to it.

Ok, so say for example after lots of contemplation you have decided what to do. Do you weather check, mirror signal manoeuvre, and proceed with caution, or just hammer the gas and go for it, without a care in the world? Some things in life should just be rushed at, raced into, where others require a little more tact and delicate handling, for the sakes of all parties involved.

A wise man once said "Every action has and equal and opposite reaction", something like that anyway. Ok while not quite relating to the same thing, that is actually how these things work. The pursuit of happiness leaves behind a trail of misery. Some may be able to keep moving and leave that all in their wake, me however, I am mindful of what the results are. I am no true believer in karma, but experience in life suggests you always get a losing streak after being an arsehole.

So ahead of me is a junction in life, straight ahead, continue with life as it is. A left turn is a new direction for me, continuing with some familiar things in life, and a right is away from it all, fresh start, break free, and take the easy way out. But wait... That's not a crossroads at all, its a roundabout with 4 exits. Same options, but the time to drive round and round in circles until I can work out what the hell to do.

No wonder I'm left dizzy as hell, and unable to tell which way I'm facing, let alone which way I should go next. Problem is, the only solution now I am on the roundabout is to choose an exit, commit and pull off... Then and only then can I pull over and catch my bearings. Sounds so simple, but the wrong choice can leave everything in turmoil.

Truth is, I know which exit I want, but I am so dizzy now, I can't think straight about what signals to give before taking the exit. I know that there will be a wake left behind that will need dealing with, but I guess I have to accept that.

I think what it comes down to is...
You can please some of the people all of the time, and please all of the people some of the time... But you can never please all of the people, all of the time.
In short, look after number 1, accept there will be casualties in life, so man up, and move on!

Hope some of this makes sense to some of you. I know 3 people at least that will appreciate this particular ramble.

Thanks for reading and take care.

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