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Published on Leave a comment on Dear Blog….

Well as usual its been a long time since I last wrote anything, hot and cold, that's me. Anyway, let's get up to date shall we.

So since I last wrote a lot has changed. The biggest bombshell being mum going back into hospital. She had let herself get in a terrible state, and finally we had to make a decision for her.
A day or so after going in, I was summonsed to the hospital by one of her doctors for a sit down chat. The cancer has now spread to her lungs and brain, so time is suddenly much shorter for her.

She was in for about 2 weeks, and in that time I was also having a massive amount of refurbishment done in the house, so life was hellish to say the least.
During this time, the NHS, and St Christophers Hospice did an amazing amount of work, putting in place loads of equipment for her including a motorised hospital bed, motorised rising chair etc. Meanwhile we laid laminate flooring throughout the hallways to make walking easier.

So mum is home now, slowly adapting to a new way of life. Less balance and reduced mobility. We now have a carer come in twice a day to help mum wash and dress, the bits I can't really help with. I would like to say its made things easier, but that's not really the case. Tempers are short in this house these days.
Yesterday brought it all to a head for me, with mum getting angry about her medication and how I was getting it wrong. After trying to explain what was what a couple of times, she started shouting she would sort it for herself. Sadly she doesn't know what day it is, let alone what drugs she should be taking. She swore blind that the hospital had told her to stop taking 2 of them... Which they had not.

So I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm in a pretty cold and dark place right now. I am off sick from work with stress and depression, on some mild medication to try and level me out, and struggling a little with day to day life at the moment.

I need some structure back, a routine, something to keep me occupied and my mind away from stressing 24-7. So I'm trying that from today. Hoping to get the regular dog walks in, and reach out to a couple of long forgotten things to keep me ticking over.

Meanwhile, the pity is not with me, its with mum, and for her suffering through this all. I know she just wants to throw in the towel some days, but other days she is happy as anything. When her health slips she tries to avoid doctors, but each time they eventually fix her up again. So we just have to stay on top of all of that. And keep her in the best possible health.

Love ya mum 🙂
X

Regards

Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on Tribute tattoo in progress

A couple of pictures of what I have been up to this weekend.

The piece is a tribute to my lifetime friend John Littlebury who was killed in a motorcycle accident on 7/7/2010.

A couple more sittings left on it, but chuffed with the progress. Thank you to Michelle @ Innocent Needle in Croydon.

Regards

Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on One of those “meh” days!

Not quite sure how or why, but know I have slipped a little over the past few days on the road to recovery so to speak. My mind isn't in a great place right now, preoccupied by the stresses of worrying about my aunt Joan. And the on going battle with my mum about how successful chemo was for her.

The arguement of how successful the chemo was has become so fierce in my head that I have taken to reading through an old thread I started on Scoobynet and my old blog to get details of old hospital visits, just to confirm that the chemo did indeed cause shrinkage of the tumour, and it DID! So that's put my mind at rest about one thing at least.

I think what's eating away at me about the situation with Joan is the helpless part. I'm far away (not that I can't go there), but also I am not live-in like I am with mum, so even if I went there I would not be able to "impose" myself upon the situation.

Not being in control of a situation, is this another issue I need to address? Maybe so. It would certainly explain my willingness to get involved in road accident and other sorts of incidents. Do I in some way seek out responsibility for bad situations? Am I trying to help or just be to blame? I need to find some answers to these questions I think.

I digress lol.

So anyway, the whole thing with Joan. I know she is having some tests and appointments over the next week or so, but what will happen from there at the moment is unknown. But something I am keen to know everything about as soon as there is something to know.

Right, I better get on with my day, after all its still morning and I'm already in an open pit mine, and still digging.

My mind and body need to be lifted to a better level, the holiday is just around the corner, I am having more work on my tribute tattoo on Saturday, things are good right.... So why the long face?

Operation Rescue-Me is under way... Stand clear, this may get messy!

Have a good day, almost the weekend people!

Regards

Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on A little pissed off. Families!

OMG, I am so fed up right now its unreal. I just got home from work, to find my mum talking to my aunt on the phone. OK that bit was expected, but the apparent content of the call was not.

On hanging up mum filled me in on the gossip. Joan is eating less and less and is subsequently losing weight due to this. Unlike mum however she is accepting advice and guidance from medical staff, and making an effort to try their solutions. So that's a good thing.
However with regards to me going up there she is slightly put off the idea, mainly because she is worried about me driving so far, which is rather sweet, but not really worth her worry. Thank you anyway Joan for caring.
Once I heard this I was a little annoyed shall we say, that my company/visit was being shunned, but at the end of the day its her decision, and like mum's decision, I respect it.

Then mum goes on.... Joan had been asking her about treatments, and mum had informed her that chemo is not only not pleasant to go through, but also not worth it. Explaining it had done nothing for her, except cause discomfort. It had done nothing to treat the cancer, and was really not worth considering.
Not only is this NOT the case, but also mum has failed to consider the differences between their two cancers. Assuming that what worked for her will be the same for Joan. This is the exact reason I wanted to go up there.

Mum has clearly forgotten the effects the chemo had on her, and the way it started the treatment of her cancer. And in turn, almost put Joan off even considering it. Well done mum!

She then went on to tell me Joan was waiting to see the Oncologist. On asking mum if Joan had seen consultants of doctors prior to this, she barked that she had JUST told me she is waiting to see the Oncologist. Clearly she has forgotten who does what and in what order she saw these people in. Grrrr. I know it was a stressful time for her, and don't expect her to remember details. I only wish she would not use these broken memories to tell my aunt about what to expect. That's part of the reason I wanted to speak to Joan myself, and part of the reason I wanted to be there with mum to make sure we were putting the right story across.

So now, we wait!
Not a situation I was hoping to end up in, but hey, time to play the hand I was dealt I guess.

Next move...... Currently unknown.

Regards

Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on From footsteps in sand, to knee deep in mud.

Ok, time for another deep and meaningful entry to my blog. Like many other metaphors I have used, this is another that creates a mental images for me to work with. But what does it all mean? Good question.
OK to me its a choice, and one I discovered I need to start making when a situation arises. What tends to happen with me is I take on someones problems, be it just talking something through, or agreeing to help in some form of physical way. Either way, what tends to happen is before I know what is going on, I am knee deep in emotional mud, and stuck in the middle of a situation.

When I take a step back from some of these now resolved situations and take a long hard look, I realise that with everything I have going on in life at the moment, I don't have the time, nor the mental strength to see these things through. And if I had looked properly at the time, I could have and indeed would have taken a step back BEFORE I started to sink.

So now I have a mental image to work with. Which believe me, is a god send.

In all walks of life, we generally like to make an impression on people, create memories, and have our input remembered. Without making an impression, our lives would serve far less purpose. Be it educating someone, or saving a life. Helping someone out, or being the recipient of help, everything we do makes a footprint in the sand, and that's a good thing.

But as I have found, and I'm sure many more have too, from time to time the ground is soft and uneven, and those are the times I am now looking out for. For when we tread on these, we need to make a quick decision. As our feet make that first impression, do we leave a footprint, or do we indeed stand firm and sink in deeper.

As I say, I have stood far too long in contemplation in the past, and now that I recognise this, what better time to make a change.
Does this mean a less caring me? A more selfish me? Well I would like to say no, its more about perception. I am sure to some I will appear a little self obsessed and all that, but the truth of the matter is, I have been an emotional punchbag for far too long now. From becoming engrossed in helping people writing letters and deal with debt and speeding fines, to spending hours on the phone, usually at my expense, listening to why life is so unfair, I have spent far too long on other peoples problems, and run out of energy to deal with my own. Now is the time for all that to change.

Time to set my own agenda.
My mum is ill (dealing with that)
My aunt is ill (starting to deal with that)
My daughter has been gone 12 years (not anywhere near dealing with that)
Unhappy at work (was dealing with it but have stalled)

Life is changing rapidly all around me, and sometimes keeping up with that is not as easy as it seems, but I like to think in general I am doing ok.

As profound as a lot of this all sounds, I am actually a lot better off today, thanks to Peter and the session this morning. Sounding off about a few things, developing mental pictures to reference with, and making sense of a few things in life has made all the difference. Almost like emotional cleansing, as I spoke I felt my shoulders loosen up, my mood lighten, and my foggy mind clear a little. Slowly but surely its all making sense now.

I am once again the master of my own destiny. I have many lessons to learn on the way, and will encounter obstacle. But with determination, good friends, and positive mental attitude I will reach my destiny, achieve my goals, and leave firm, clear footprints in the sand.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Regards

Michael

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