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It sucks doesn't it? Something we expect to wait a long time for, other things, the slightest delay just drives you crazy. I'm laying in bed, its 7am and usually I'm snoozing, but this morning I'm distracted. Caught waiting for the little purple light on my Blackberry to flash to say the conversation has begun. I'm on a knifes edge wondering when it going to happen, but then again it is rather early and maybe I should really be asleep.

I seem to spend a lot of time waiting these days, for carers, for builders, for emails to confirm the next stages of things, and my favourite waiting game, appointments and waiting rooms of course. They truly are kings of the waiting game.

Right now, as Friday begins my mind is focused on the weekend ahead. Something tells me there will be some waiting involved there, but as long as its for the right reasons, waiting is fine. So now that means I'm waiting to wait... Hang on a minute, that's bad surely! Lol.

The weekend is what I look forwards to right now though, I have a few chores and some house calls and coffees to have, and am picking up a walking frame for my mum too (thank you to Macca for collecting).

So waiting, is it such a bad thing? It builds anticipation, which is good, and of course there is frustration too which is not so good. But you can't have one without the other, ying-yang, clever-dumb, good-evil.... Its all about achieving balance right? And take it from me, if you want something bad enough, its worth trying real hard to find that balance.

So while I wait, and anticipate, I shall try and get some rest again.

Mind working overtime because some idiot forgot their tablet last night.

Message to my Blackberry ... Flash damnit FLASH!

Regards

Michael

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That is what my mother told me earlier today. I went to tell her that I was going out to catch up with an old friend for lunch, jokingly saying "I'm abandoning you for the afternoon", so was a little taken aback when she replied that she felt I HAD abandoned her, and had not been around for weeks! WTF seriously?

She didn't laugh afterwards, so I can only assume there was a certain aspect of seriousness to her comment, which is both worrying and upsetting. Yes I have taken time out at weekends recently, and had some space from the routine I have been in for 3 years now, but abandoned her I have not. Shopping, arranging, medicating, cleaning etc is still all part of my role.
So I have asked my sister to take a more active role recently, spending more time with mum, taking the leading role with medical interventions etc, but I'm still there all the time. Somewhere along the line something has gone horribly wrong if this is how she truly feels.

Just as things were starting to make more sense, just as my mind was starting to settle into a routine with these new, precious respite breaks, and all of a sudden it seems I have done wrong by her. My feeling on the matter was that the break was doing us all some good. Mum not putting up with me all the time, me getting time out, and Paula getting time in. But what makes me wonder is why she has not said anything sooner. Maybe it was a joke after all, just badly delivered... Maybe she has just been waiting for the right time for me to drop myself in it.

Either way I am left a little confused now (nothing new eh) and wondering how to tackle this. Sitting on the train, blogging away looking weird, and trying to fathom out the best approach to it. I think a simple straight question will do the trick really, but not looking forwards to it if she is serious.

Maybe I'm just over sensitive to it all and need to take my chill pill, maybe there is something there I need to address with her, who knows eh.

So in the next hour I will find out if I am the outsider now, or if indeed it was all a bad joke. I hope so!

Either way I think we should have "the chat" about my time away, and I should make sure she knows how important it all is to me right now, and how much of a difference it is making to me being able to cope with my life right now. One of us is about to find out a truth, so let's see how it all pans out.

Regards

Michael

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Todays metaphor is Sliding Doors. Yes I have written about this before, but today I find myself deep in contemplation of things around me.

The actually sliding doors today are those of trains as I travel to see an old friend who I have not seen for what seems like a lifetime. Our lives have changed a lot since we last met, so I am full of excitement about seeing him. Probably the first time I have had a reunion like this in my life. So I'm on my way there now, watching doors slide open and closed.

The other side of the doors are the decisions we make, and how our life subsequently plays out. Each time we make a decision we choose to walk through a door, leaving behind all the other choices we made. Sometimes the path will loop back to the same junction for us to eventually choose again, but sometimes its very one way and final. Sadly there is no map to show us which door to choose, and in some cases we feel fear and doom the second the door begins to shut behind us.

However we can always find redemption, and good in our decision, after all, we made it for a reason, right? Regret to me is a pointless emotion. Like missing a train, there is NOTHING you can do about it now, so let it go, adapt, adjust and follow the path you chose. I know, I know, its not always that easy is it, but you can't just give up! What's the point in that eh!

There is another kind of sliding door though, and that is the one that I am in front of now. Imagine a cabinet or patio door, the door opens both ways, but can only open one way at a time. Allowing us to pass back and forth, or select something from one side at a time. Not allowing us to have both sides at the same time. And in some cases this is a good thing.
I used a term with someone today which made perfect sense. Is it wrong to buy veg from the green grocers and meat from the butchers instead of all from the same supermarket. Of course not, its a choice. But buying your spuds from the butcher, well that would be plain wrong, obviously! (Sorry could not resist adding that bit)

I digress, back to my point. Our decisions. As long as rational, well thought out and something we can deal with day to day, well then its the right decision.
Should I stay or leave, should I browse or shop, should I speak or be silent. Whatever the decision, just remember once you pass over the threshold, you are committed. And from there on in don't know the distance to the next door of decision.

My advice, don't be afraid, follow your heart, speak your mind. Dig deep and ask is this what makes you happy, and if it is, sod the world and smile damnit!

So as I stand before these doors at Canada Water station, and the doors open before me I will commit to the train, and take the journey on offer. Todays destination is known, but the other planned journeys don't yet have a timetable or planned route, and I am at their mercy. Yet I offer myself completely to them, knowing that deep inside, what I seek is to be found at the end. Regardless of the journey, rough of smooth, I commit, right here, right now.

So I take a final breath, and step towards these doors with open arms and an open mind, hoping and praying that what lays beyond is ready for me and will embrace me.

Ok, I'm getting strange looks on this train now. So will wait for the sliding doors to part once more before continuing my journey. So if you are afraid to commit to the doors, breathe deeply, close your eyes and take the leap of faith.

Regards

Michael

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What's that all about? Both geographically and metaphorically speaking I mean. Nothing is ever as simple as a comment with me, surely you know that by now.

Today I have covered about 18 miles or so, with a combination of chores and dog walking, and I have to say there is an ulterior motive there too.. That I will sleep really well tonight. Not sure what it is, but recently my sleep has been all over the place, quite literally. Managing a few hours here and there, and sometimes going to bed and not managing a wink. So hopefully tonight after the last dog walk (that's right, not finished walking yet!), I will sleep well.

Sometimes, on days like today when so much distance is covered and I end up back here 4-5 times a day I really do wonder if the energy would be better spent getting somewhere else, away from here, rather than going back to a place of such stress SO many times a day. Its almost like self inflicted mental torture when I think about it like that.

Either way you look at it though, my heart will be grateful for the workout, my body will benefit on my mission to tone up, Nike will benefit from my destruction of another pair of their finest, and let's face it, the dogs love it.
Add that to the low calorie intake for the day, and the positives start to shine though finally. Takes some polishing to get any shine out of it though!

Then we have the metaphor of the title. Better known as being on the road to nowhere. I once read something (usually write but occasionally read) which said the aim of every day was to "make a difference" somehow. Ok so that sounds all mushy and sentimental, but think about it for a second. Is it really that hard to do without breaking a sweat. Help someone with a bag, hold a door open, hey, just make someone smile, and in that single moment you just made a difference, and made an impression on someone else. Who would then hopefully pay the favour forward and so on. What a great place it would be if that were the case.

OK, so I held the door for a couple of people while at the chemist earlier, and some other bits, but what difference have I made for myself today? Not a lot really. Picked up my medication, that's about the only thing that's gonna change anything about me, by drugging myself. Hardly an achievement eh. But all in all, I can't be that down on myself. Over recent days I know I have made a difference, and hold my head high with pride for that, but its still a disappointment when you know you could have done more.

Today has actually been an annoying day, filled with good intentions, but ruined by people with poor timing, mixed with missed opportunities. A couple of things I have not managed to do today which will have to carry over a day or 2.

However the receiving end of things has been a different story all together I have to say. Not really much I can say other than I have been kept entertained today by the wonders of BBM again, and in the company of the wonderful Cadell, how could I fail to smile and laugh 🙂 I hope the exchange has been mutual.
While it might have seemed quite a sombre mood with me today, deep inside there has been a grin all along. I have just been a bit touchy, so sorry about that.

Right that's enough mush for now, so be nice to people out there, and aim to make a difference eh 🙂

Regards

Michael

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Dear NHS, yes she is eligible, but also HAS breast cancer and is being treated by YOUR health trust! Save some pennies and update your records eh!

Regards

Michael

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For making my blog a little popular. OK its not ground breaking stats, but knowing so many people read so much or my rambling, and that some even take something away with them is lovely for me.

I hope being part of my life is as special to you, as having you as a part of my life is to me.

Regards

Michael

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...is LOVE! Simple to spell, hard to say, easy to write, and almost impossible to define.
OK Baljit, this one is for you luvvie. Or inspired by our conversation anyway, the rest is all me, so here we go.

I once wrote a whole book on the subject, and maybe one day I will finish and publish it, if anyone really cares. It turns many corners and covers many examples, but who has the ultimate right to define the scariest word to utter? We all have our own meanings of the word. We make it, we feel it, we celebrate it, and we sing about it. It makes us happy, confused, safe and sad too, but 99% of us spend most of our life looking for it. Yet we don't even know what it is.

For me love is such a diverse word. It has such a simple outlining meaning, but is used in so many terms, that unless we explain sentiment correctly, we can end up causing confusion more than anything else. Think about it this way, I love my daughter, my mum, some of my friends, and driving fast. So how can the same word possibly refer to all of those things. There are of course a number of other loves in my life.
People capable of making me feel like no other can make me feel. Special, wanted, warm, and amazing too. As well as secure, safe, and isolated in such a beautiful way. Are you one of these people? Then I love you too.
Is there a limit to how many people we can love.. No, I truly don't think so. But can there be a limit on the number we are IN love with. To this the answer is a yes from me. For starters being IN love is a very deep and conditioned state. A level of commitment to someone you have a huge emotional attachment to. And to me, so huge is this commitment, that feeling it for one person alone is huge, let alone more than one (that would kill me I'm sure) I have only one true recollection of feeling this emotion, and if you have ever truly felt it, you are blessed, as so few really have.

How many do I love right now. On the grand scheme of things many. On the true emotional level, the number is much much smaller. The emotional kind of love for me is about a connection, and for that person to find a way through my defences and into my heart. Through acts of kindness, affection, warmth and compassion. Touching me in a way that no other has, and creating an inner peace in me that blows everything else away. It is rare for me to allow someone in to such a depth, as to have that access leaves me vulnerable, and I have to trust them to respect me as I respect them. Each time I find myself feeling love for someone in this way, it is never comparable to that for another. Each is unique, almost like an individual place for each person, which cannot be filled by another.

To tell someone you love them, for some is a very difficult thing to do. For me, saying the words "I love you" is easy. But explaining HOW is somewhat more difficult at times. Try telling someone you love them, and most will either start to plan a wedding or run a country mile! Both before even contemplating what you mean when you say it.

Love conquers all, love breaks hearts, and love is SO under rated and misunderstood. For the few who have truly found the meaning of the word and embraced it, you are rare, and should cherish everyday of your confidence with this complex emotion. And those who don't understand it... Try harder, its in us all if we just let people close enough.

I guess this is a bit of a mish-mash of everything covered in my longer writing in the book, so probably a little confusing, but I hope you get the meaning of it all.

If you love someone, tell them, let them know, and let the world know. And if you are reading and wondering..... Yes, I do love you ;o)

X

Regards

Michael

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Have you ever thought of writing such a passage, or even trying to record it on video or audio? Every time someone I know passes, I always wonder the things that were left unsaid. People who never knew that one thought they had always held onto, and maybe those who were never told how special there were.

We are all familiar with last will and testaments, but too often these are short formal documents that do nothing really than cause arguments and tension, and relate only to money and possessions. But what about your true final words, your secrets. The things you dared not utter until there was no consequence. Or could just never say to the said person.

Some of you will read this and say "I know exactly what you mean" and others will simply thing "wtf". So allow me to explain what I really mean.

In life we encounter many people, we get to know all sorts of people on so many levels. Some we grow close to and let them into our hearts, others we tread carefully with, damage limitation or a safe arms length is as close as they will ever get to us. Ultimately there is only a small select few that will ever share our full life, and know on our death bed everything there is to know. No hidden feelings, no secret emotions etc.

This for some people leaves a wide scope of people who will never know something we have wanted to tell them. It could be "I broke the window that you got the blame for when I was 8" or it could be something deeper, more passionate and emotive. Undeclared feelings, "I love you" or something else that a person could treasure knowing for the rest of their lives.

Problem is, does a married man dare declare his undying love for an ex, does someone in a relationship risk all to tell their old class mate that they were always the one in their heart, and so on.

Admission of guilt is one thing, coming clean, clearing the air and making amends is of course important, but we have ways of forgiving people for such trivial wrongdoings as breaking a window, nicking a fiver, or seeking out when you told your friend you were too ill to see them. However the emotional part is the awkward one. So few people are capable, let alone willing to express their emotions explosively, and truthfully. Many people carry a torch for someone in their past, but never admit to it. Not that knowing the truth would change the course of history for either person, but as a parting gift, leaving a piece of your heart is amazing.

Just before John Littlebury died we had a long heart to heart on the phone, apologies made from both sides for the distance that had grown between us, memories revisited, and common ground remembered, reminding us why our friendship was over 30 years old. On hearing he had passed I was naturally sad, but for the first time in losing a friend I also felt at peace with him, and him with me. I didn't feel anything was unfinished or unsaid, and having that knowledge really made such a difference to letting someone go so suddenly.

So I ponder my own fate, and think of all the things that circumstance has prevented me from saying. Thousands of things rush to the front of my mind when I think like this, many too trivial to cover off, but if time allowed me I would love to record as much as I possibly could, so that when my day comes, my friends and loved one can hear from me my favourite times shared with them, and if anything is left unsaid, that will be the time for me to wrap that up.
I don't think I have ever not told someone I love how I feel. But the reminders are important to. Knowing that love was there is nice, but to know you died with that emotion still glowing within is priceless to some.

So now I am left wondering how I write and maintain my parting words. I'm not planning on going anywhere soon, but time is a bitch and waits for no man. I have seen too many now, all young, just taken away in the blink of an eye, and wonder how many people never knew something that the person had carried with them for years, never finding the time or the words to share it.

I guess this is for me to work out how to do, and I'm sure I will be open about its existence when I start it. But to make sure everyone knows my thoughts and feelings about them today, until my final day is dear to me, and something I will do for sure.

So I ask you this.... Think carefully now. Does every person in your life, past and and present know their place in your life. Know how you feel and care about them. Have you managed to tell everyone you love that you love them, or thank them for their contributions to your life, regardless of how small. Imagine an oscar acceptance speech, a short window of time to think and thank as many as you can. Why rush, why leave anyone out, when you can write a journal, an email, a letter or a simple text file where you can direct someone to after your passing.

Leave everyone a gift, a sentiment, and your unspoken words. Leave them a piece of you to carry for eternity.

Thank you for reading.
RIP to all my friends I have lost already. Thank you all for your rich contributions to my life.

Regards

Michael

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...To anyone who had to put up with this miserable sod wallowing in self pity yesterday, seeking emotional attention for what now seems like the sake of it.
The weekend has been a long one to say the least. With a high load of emotion and complexity (my favourite word right now).

Lots of shocks, a few nice surprises, many smiles and laughs, and ending with the devastating news about Tas. Needless to say by last night when the news started to filter through I was truly emotionally at my capacity and over flowing. If I could have gone to sleep then I'm sure I would still be sleeping now, such was the feeling of being drained of energy.

I remember very little about the drive home, other than feeling sick, and spending the whole time trying to distract myself with happy and positive thoughts from the weekend. Luckily there were plenty to keep me going along the way, so thank you for giving me those smiles.

One thing I could not escape replaying over and over in my mind was the conversation with Kim. Hearing her happy on the phone, waiting for her to find some quiet at the party she was at to hear me properly, then punching her in the stomach so hard with those words. 🙁 I'm sorry for doing that Kim. I still keep playing that over in my head.

Thank you also to Cadell for being there when the news dropped. Amazing how timing can bring you to a place of comfort just in time to receive such news. Sorry for dumping all that on you like that, especially as you were getting ready to go out. Hope my mood didn't affect your night.

I have just spoken to Dave Rolfe, a long time friend who I have not actually spoken to verbally for a long time. Quite emotive really, as it reminds me of how a close bond with someone neer really fades, and that you can always have a conversation like you last spoke only yesterday. The true sign of a friendship and its strength. Cheers for the call fella and hope to do lunch soon.

So today is starting slowly, a new dawn, a new day, opportunity to make a difference on this day. Just lacking motivation to even get out of bed right now. I'm sure I will soon though.

Right, with that in mind I better get on.

Sorry and thank you to all involved.

Regards

Michael

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Just heard the heartbreaking news that another young friend has lost his life to illness. Details are sketchy right now but appears he lost an ongoing battle with a brain tumour.

Your passing leaves a huge hole to fill Tas Hossain, and many people are without words right now at the news. Thoughts and condolences to his family and loved ones.

My apologies to Kim for breaking the news in such a way over the phone, but I wanted you hearing the news first hand, and not getting confusing messages.

Now to feel sorry for myself. 200 miles from home, no medication with me, feeling ultra low, and a long lonely drive home. Should be fun huh.

Thoughts and hugs to anyone affected by this news.

Regards

Michael

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