Category: Uncategorized

That's the only thought surging through my mind right now, runaway, as far as I can. To a place that all of this will just go away for a while, and to a place where I can seek refuge from all the voices and noises in my head. Demanding, wanting, expecting things from me.

What has brought this on? Well I think its a combination of things to be honest, all piling up slowly, and just now the final straw was added, and this camels back broke! This is the first weekend in a month I have spent at home, and while its not been that bad, its been a bite of reality, and has seemingly left a bitter taste behind. Having felt off colour for the latter part of the week, the thought of being at home, with no escape this weekend has probably only made things worse.

Money matters have slipped a little, with me letting things pile up, and not attending to them. That I am starting to get on top of now, so less of a worry, but has still contributed to things. Work preying on my mind too, with the up and coming meeting with them.

I guess from afar, looking inwards, the picture just looks wrong. There are so many things that don't fit, don't work, or just cause a lot of stress, when they really shouldn't. I want to fix that picture, and start making certain things work better, and work for me for once. Todays encounter with mum has sealed this desire. While totally unrelated to other matters, it highlights one major failing of mine... Selfishness... I need to try and be more selfish I think.

Constantly reaching out, trying to help, playing second fiddle to other peoples lives, then occasionally getting a glimpse of my own and realising how shockingly out of shape it can be at times. Its a pain in the arse, but I can't help wanting to help other people, but then when roles reverse something goes wrong. I don't think its the lack of willing from people to help, but more my rejection of such help. As discussed with my counsellor some time back, I think I believe I always have to be the alpha dog, the strong one, and never show weakness (other than in a blog eh) We discussed on a number of sessions, so its easier for me to identify now. But can I change? I really don't know.

Speaking of counsellors, that's another thing that has created this weeks problems. Not blaming her of course, but timing sucks. My first session in 3 weeks was cancelled due to her sickness. Right in the middle of one of the most fierce times of bad news and luck in my life. Can't be helped but that's the way the cookie crumbles eh. I could really do with that unattached sit down and chat right now. More an outpouring I think right now. That or a damn good cry! I would love one of those!

Then there is the final straw... Mum! That was always gonna be the way I guess. But again today she seems to have decided that I am the devil child, and at this point in time, as she wanders out of the kitchen without even looking at me, let alone speaking to me, she seems to have something to say, or something on her mind.
Earlier in a brief encounter, shortly after my sister had left from a visit, my mum asked very abruptly for her cash card back. I hold it for obvious reasons, like she can't get out of the house, and so I can do shopping etc for her. So its been the norm since Nov for me to carry it. Today she wants it back. Ok I thought, its hers, why not. But before doing so I quizzed was there a reason for it. She said my sister was going to do some shopping for her. OK I said, but I'm happy to get what you want if you just tell me what you want/need.
With that she snapped back that she was sick of asking for her own money. So at that I just gave her the damn thing back.

Sounds a little childish maybe on my behalf, but month to month I use both our accounts to balance the household books. As money comes in at different times, so different things are done with it. So its insulting to me, and a touch inconvenient. But its not about the request itself, its more about the wording and timing of the whole thing if I'm honest. I'm low, the insinuation of the situation is cutting and insulting to me I guess.
Petrol on its own isn't a fire, but today we have fuel, air and ignition... BOOM!

There are so many other little, and a few big things going on in my life right now, that even something as petty as this, probably no more than a misunderstanding can suddenly cut so deep.
Confusion about what I want from life, what direction I am heading in, satisfaction with what I already have. My wants and needs, and are they being met or compromised for an easy life. Am I selfless or selfish? I really can't tell these days.

So the thought of just running away from it all courses through my body and mind. The desire to put distance between me and all of this. Wrap up warm, hide away, and breathe for a while, at least until I can look at the situations rationally, be adult about it all, and set my chosen course into life's satnav.

I know this is probably a very confusing and conflicting read, comments without information can do that, but in my mind, as I write it, I feel like I am bearing my soul to the world. Revealing all and dropping my barriers. In the right context it all makes perfect sense, and I'm sure, in fact POSITIVE there are a few out there that understand this fully, and can honestly say, without you I would be a total mess right now.

Thank you for reading all of this. Now to go thru my little black book and see where I can run to on a Sunday night.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

For the past few days now I have noticed myself slowing down, losing motivation, and just being a little bit detached from it all. Like now for example, gone 8am and in still laying in bed, wondering what excuses I can make to myself NOT to get up and walk the dogs. But I know if I don't do it soon I will mess the days schedule up. And also know that once I start the walk I will enjoy it. But that little voice just keeps yelling NO, and my body insists on remaining in that sleepy state to try and discourage me getting up.

Its been a stressful week I guess, and my routine has been somewhat broken, with travelling and eating all out of pattern, so I'm guessing I have life-lag, and am just trying to find my routine again. For some reason health has been a bit of an issue this week too, with mad muscle aches in the early part of the week, and nausea. By Thursday that was gone, but by that afternoon it was my stomachs turn, with cramps and unrest to say the least. The stomach has not really improved since. Still unsettled and at times painful when I drink. So my only concern is stomach pain following stress can equate to ulcers. Let's hope not eh! I will monitor it and see how it goes now.

The other problem is my eating habits. Again the past few days have been a bit disrupted and I have had a fair bit of junk, not as much in the way of fluids as usual, and dare I say possibly too many jelly beans, if such a thing is at all possible! Lol. It irritates me as I lay here thinking about it. Its not like its hard to eat sensibly like normal, but my mind says otherwise at the moment. Comfort food maybe, or rebelling against the normal intake to break free of the gut wrenching routine. I don't know, but what I DO know is, I need to kick the habit and get back on track.

As my intake slips, so does my mind. Heading towards that downward spiral of thinking too much, worrying about nothing, and becoming obsessed with nothing! Example.. Last few days I have had a few simple bills to sort out, and to contact work about a meeting, but quite seriously my mind won't let me. I can lay here and think about it, and acknowledge it needs doing. But trying to do it is different. Distractions, obstructions, and all sorts of reasons not to just do it. Then the outcome is feeling low that its still not dealt with. Vicious circle or what!

Its all this sort of thing that really worries and frustrates me. The simple things in life that give it its content and quality, these are the things slipping away from my control lately, and I need to get a grip, fast to stay in control. Hence blogging it. So I can realise what I am doing, and look back to kick myself up the arse about it.

I guess the other angle on this whole matter is weekend blues. Usually I am planning a get away, to see people and get some time out from being at home. I'm sure in the back of my mind, the thought of being "trapped" here for the whole weekend, looking after mum etc is playing on my subconscious thoughts somewhere. In fact I know it is. But after travelling on Wednesday, its just not possible to get away today or tomorrow as well. Next weekend maybe.

Oh speaking of incomplete jobs, and travelling, there is an example. On Wednesday afternoon when I left home I noticed my windscreen had cracked. Knowing I had the trip ahead of me, replacing it wasn't an immediate option, and the crack was out of sight (for the time being). I got back safely with it, and replacing the screen is a phone call away, but have I bothered?.... Like hell I have! Such a simple and may I say important thing to do, yet I'm not motivated to do it!

Right enough talking, time for action. With all the above in mind, I have a full on action plan for today, so I better get started. Loads to do, let's see how many I can tick off..

Drink more
Walk dogs
Breakfast me and dogs
Call insurance
Cleaning
Training

They are the keys of today... Let's see if I can just get those done without giving up and falling asleep. Hope your in a better place than me right now.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

People, services, cars, and lifestyles to name but just a few. We all have things, people or places we just take for granted. Part of the surroundings, the background or the scenery, we assume the things we choose and want around us will always be there. So your favourite bakery shuts down, oh bugger you say, and find another. But there are other things that you really don't appreciate until they are gone.

Forgetting when or how something came into your life is a bad position to be in. Losing track of its importance in your day to day life is the first stage of taking something for granted. I have owned a car since legally old enough to drive, and while I can't imagine not having a car at my disposal each day, I remember its importance and existence due to the monthly expenditure on it.

But how about people. Recent events in mine and other peoples lives have proven that we should not take our life, nor that of another for granted at all. Life is a right after all.... Isn't it? Look at the beautiful surroundings of the country you live in. You may or may not have grown up there, but choices in your life will have taken you there, and the betting is that you can look at others in the world and appreciate what you have both personally and available to you. But all this can be gone in an instant. Recession, civil war, or natural disaster. They have all hit hard over the past few years, and many millions of people have received a wake-up call that most of what they take for granted day to day, is not longer available, people they love are gone, possessions lost forever, and a way of life deleted.

So the people near to you, the ones you tell openly of your feelings towards them, the important people in your life.. Do you remember the beginning? How you met, why you grew so close and why they are so important to you? Think hard about this now, and I bet with a few people you will stumble for a moment.

Recent times have called for a reality check, a stock take, and a bit of a shake up of things. Probing my mind for memories of the first time we met, first words, and why a second time ever happened. What was it about these people that made me decide to put them in a special place in my heart? And more to the point, do I let them know why I feel that way enough. Do I even make that known at all? For me right now, its all about reaching out and communicating clearly to people I love and care about, how I feel, and letting them know they are dear to me. Remembering, respecting, and reinforcing that bond.

Don't take anything for granted, the next 10 years or the next breath. Friends, family, and loved ones. Possessions are material objects which can be replaced. Losing one is an inconvenience, but you will get over it. Lose a person from your life... That hole will remain forever.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Physically for once, not mentally. It could be a bad nights sleep, it could be all the recent activity catching up with me, but I have a feeling its something more sinister. Achey muscles, feel a bit warm, and a really heavy head. Could this be the beginning of something fluey like? I really hope not.
At the moment I am trying to fill myself with fluids to eliminate being a little dehydrated. It could be that simple, as yesterday I didn't have anywhere near my regular fluids intake, so I'm crossing my fingers here. But adding burning eyes to the symptoms and now its not sounding so hopeful.

I should say at this point, this isn't me saying "OMG I think I have man-flu", but something far more serious. If I have anything contagious so to speak, then effectively I have to quarantine myself from mum. Anything like a bad cold etc right now would be very very serious for her. And if that IS the case, then the dynamics of the whole situation here changes drastically.

She has been struggling around the house this morning sounding very uncomfortable indeed. Seems to be worsening day by day. So this morning I have made an effort not to cross paths with her at this point until I know for sure. Worst case scenario is that I am "ill", in that case I would have to ask my sister to visit throughout the day to check in on mum. Then consider that any common area would need wiping down when I use it and so on.

Its frustrating as hell too, as I have not had the slightest cold, sniffle, or bug related ache for about 4 months now, which is amazing for me. So I guess the next couple of hours will tell really. A few drinks inside me, let the carer in, snuggle up with the dogs, and have a little nap.. Then see how I feel when I wake. Should just about do the trick. If it turns out I am "poorly", then we have another problem, in that mum is meant to see the GP today. I was going to take her to see him, but she would struggle with the short flight of stairs now. So I will have to request a home visit now. Main thing is to make sure mum gets the care and medical attention she needs without me having to come into contact with her for now.

I am left wondering where the hell I could have picked up a bug though.

Right, I'm gonna wait for the carer then have a sleep and some mushy dreams. Hopefully some more cheerful news later.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

....try and fix it! Right? Oh shit no that's wrong isn't it!

Well sometimes I get it right and other times I guess I just screw up perfectly good things. Like a conversation I just had. Ticking along fine, no real issues, no complications, but clever clogs ere decided that it was all too simple, and clean cut. Therefore the only thing to be done was to screw with it.

You know when you get into a conversation that you have no idea quite why you are having. Common sense ios screaming STOP! But the interfering part of you, the bit that destroys happiness and good things just refuses to STFU!

Digging deeper and deeper, and feeling the walls of the hole falling in on you. If you are lucky you will get a life line thrown in, and bail before you get buried.

Thankfully I have to say I got the lifeline from heaven on this occasion, and will try harder to remember the correct saying from now on... If it aint broke, stfu, back off and leave it the f**k alone!

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Going back to my previous entry of sliding doors for a moment, I am back to wondering about things. When choosing your path, what do you consider? Is it the ease of passage, the morals involved or just what makes you happy.
Like choosing your route on satnav really, fastest or shortest. If I choose shortest I get a warning saying it might use more fuel and take longer, and I guess life is pretty similar really.
Take the fastest route, don't take in the scenery or consider the reason for your journey, and proceed straight there. Or take the shortest route, expend a little more energy getting there, but arrive with a deeper understanding of your decision, and some background too.

Ok, ok I can hear you saying, wtf are you on about, but hear me out, there is some kind of story behind it, I'm just not going to go into too much detail.

You see taking the easy way out or the fastest route might seem the best option, and for many people this is how they choose to live their lives. Fast-track, a-z with no in between. But then look at everything they miss along the way. How many times have you driven a route for years only to be pushed on a diversion, then suddenly see a whole new way, no longer feeling like its all just a part of the daily grind, but you are now in fact part of a much bigger journey... Now apply that to life.

So much passes us by in life, in the blink of an eye, the speed we live our lives, we miss it all as it flashes by. So every now and then its important to back off the gas, slow it down a touch, and appreciate the situation fully before we make a decision. Occasionally something demands our full attention, a little more consideration than usual. So pause, breathe and make sense of it all before you fly ahead with your decision.

Can you look back at life with no regret? Can you put your hand on your heart and say every judgement or decision made was right for you at the given time. In reality that's all regret is, an ill informed or rushed decision we live to realise was the wrong choice for us at that juncture in our life. Take your time, consider the outcomes of both choices, and be sure that the one you go with, the sliding door you walk through is the best one for you at that time. And if you have done that, stand by your decision and live knowing that you made that choice for a reason. Whatever happens in the future will of course be influenced by that decision, but regret should never feature.

Sometimes the harder choice, the tough option is actually easier. You can flee a situation, or you can take the more complicated path, but there is a bonus there at times. Let me explain. Easy is usually yes or no, simple defined answers, where as complex is usually broken down into more stages, allowing a whole myriad of choices and decisions. Ok an example, chinese takeaway, set meal for 1 or choose 4 of your own dishes... You see what I mean? Make a decision for yourself and what you leave with is all about what you want, and not the simple acceptance of taking what's on offer as black and white.

For me, right now I am taking the B-road and un-named road route. I have a rough idea where its going and where I will end up, but the main thing is I'm loving the change in scenery, and whatever the journey throws up, I know I have committed to the final destination of it. There are many turns in the road ahead, but I travel it with confidence that I will get to where I'm going. It might take a while, I might change passengers along the way, or even arrive alone, but like the space shuttle heading for space, I have reached zero return... No turning back from here.

So don't take decisions lightly. Consider what lays ahead of you, and take that leap of faith from time to time, commit to the longer route, the bumpier twisty roads, and enjoy what passes you by. Life is for living, not fearing.

Live a little, live a lot... Regret nothing.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Respite it may be, but rest I did not. After getting my affairs in order at home, and making sure mum was cared for I made a break for the border and headed for Linslade to see Graeme. Been a long time since I saw him, and with recent changes I thought it was about time I showed my ugly mug at the house. On my arrival it was only his dad in, but he was due home so I was invited in to wait.
Having met his parents on a number of occasions, and being "mature", we click so are comfortable talking openly. So I had a good long catch up with his dad first.
Eventually Graeme and his mum came home, and while he took care of business I had a long chat with his mum, again very open and honest, which was both informative and emotive to say the least. I thank them both for entertaining such an exchange.
Sitting down to talk with Graeme I suddenly felt either old or at least grown up. Talking sensibly instead of being surrounded by lairy cars or a food fight, but I'm not complaining. Its times like this that you realise what friendship is all about, and I hope the feeling was mutual for Graeme too.
The visit was short, but rich for me. Touching base with someone you care about but have not had much contact with for an extended period is a heartwarming experience, and as I say it defines friendship. Not needing to be close together, but never far apart.
I will no doubt return there very soon, as I pass the area quite frequently, so would be rude not to.
The parting hug, as much as I joked about it at the time, very much sealed the purpose of the visit for me, not much more I can say about it other than, for a man hug it was nice lol.
See you again soon sonny.

From there, the plan was to catch up with Rachel for a drink and some food, but given the time, and her distance from where we had agreed to meet, it wasn't going to happen that day. So I headed north to see if I could make the time slot I had agreed with Sammi. I was hopeful but again in reality it was never going to happen, but not through lack of trying I can assure you. So 1 for 3 at this stage.

Next idea was stay over locally and see if I could catch up with Sam on Sunday (unlikely as I knew she was busy, but never give up eh) Calling on Cadell first, seeing if I could stay the night with her (and be climbed on and bitten to death by lil man Archie) but again luck was down, and her sister was staying over, so back up plan Operation Travelodge was called for. Going through the list of the locals but not having a clue where they were I got Cadell to lead the way to one. Great, right by a football grounds lol. We grabbed a bite to eat from a very weird (by London standards) kebab shop and had a chat, while being abused by Archie. Noooo Archie... NOT the Pepsi Max!! Lol

Bedtime, but really not that simple, it appears the roads around there are the drag strip for the locals with their 1.1 speed machines with large exhausts lol. Now I can't mock because I spent so long on the scene it would be hypocritical of me to do so. But I remember the days when a loud exhaust was on a frickin fast car! Now days they seem to take forever to drive past, not unlike mopeds lol. Eventually sleep was had.

Now one thing I like about Travelodge is the 12 o'clock checkout time. No need to rush. Just lay about, don't get dressed and relax in any way chosen for a while. Now that's what respite is all about eh. Needless to say by the time I checked out I was chilled.... And ready to eat.

Planning what I was going to do with the remainder of the day was as painful as having teeth extracted I have to say, but eventually on emailing Macca and getting a reply my destination was Peterborough, to pick up the walker he had kindly collected for me days previous. My sincere thanks for doing that dude, again a demonstration of what friendship is. Was also lovely to finally meet his wife Jude too. Will have to catch up properly another day. And that A605 would be a naughty road if I was in the Scooby!!

Final call of the day, and finishing the weekend off was a trip to catch Rachel at last. Just down the A1M which I was using to leave Peterborough behind, so quite handy really. Zoomed down there to Biggleswade and finally caught up in a car park to a leisure centre lol. It was cold, and Liam was waiting in the car so it was never going to be a long chat, yet we managed to cover off a good few topics in that time, and delve deep into the minds of the carers that we both are, and discuss the mutual friendship we share with Graeme too. So as short a chat as it was, it was well worth the drive. Finished with a lovely hug, and dressed up beautifully with compliments from Rachel. You really know how to find my good side don't ya hun. Nice hug too, for a lil person. Maybe picking you up was overkill but I was enjoying myself, ok!! Lol I wil see you again soon too!

So a weekend of hugs, bites and deep emotion drew to an end. Thank you to everyone who played a part in this one, to those who entertained and hosted me, and a sorry to those I didn't make it to see. I will get back to see you all soon I promise you that.

For now, its back to the weekday reality of life.

Mum has her new walker, which after discussing with her last week and explaining the benefits of its seat etc she absolutely rejected... Now she is buzzing around the house with it, singing praises to the seat it has. Tsssk.
Her health however is not so simple. Her breathing is not good, and she is quite weak. Slowly going off her food again at the moment, but this is not the cause of the decline I don't think. She feels she might have a chest infection, but something is telling me that it could be a little more serious than that. Progression of the condition seems far more likely.

So I have arranged an appointment to see the GP tomorrow now, and we can explore the situation and options from there. The breathing isn't wheezy, its just short and awkward. Time will tell all I guess. I won't guess any more than that.

Right that should be enough of a read for anyone I think, so thank you for reading.

Thank you once again to Cadell, and just to say Archie at lunch was hilarious. It WAS a nice carpet, before it was showered with chewed sausage and yorkie pud. I expected him to be bad at eating but your display was shocking lol.
Thank you to Graeme and his family for their hospitality, and to Rach for standing in a freezing car park and all your kind words.. You don't look so bad yourself.
And thanks to Travelodge and the teddies... Sleep tight ;o)

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

The first thing I have to say is, I love you like my own flesh and blood, and my feelings honestly run no deeper in my my body than they do for you. For almost ten years now you have truly been a part of my family. Through thick and thin, from near and afar I know you are one of the few true friends who operated with the purest of intentions, and wear your heart on your sleeve always.

We have seen tough times together, confided in one another, and spent some very random, and also some very precious times together, all of which I cherish dearly. Stories of our antics as a group are almost folk-law now, and they will remain forever.

Forgive me as I talk of the past, I guess with the news you have shared I am left grasping at straws, memories, and happy times. Trying to find a smile to hold onto forever. Having had some pretty low times recently, it is as I write this that I actually realise who you really are to me, and how devastated I am to even consider losing someone so very precious from my life, especially so prematurely.

Confused, angry, deeply saddened and sick to the stomach are just a few things I feel as I type, filled with such self pity, and a selfish attitude, so I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. I apologise if my writing this so prematurely causes offence, but I swore not to leave words unspoken to those who I love, and you are most certainly of the inner inner circle of my friends, and one of a handful I truly call my friend.

You are an inspiration to so many, regardless if you know it or not. But anyone who knows of your battle over the years, knows what a true fighter you have been, never giving in, and spending so much time feeling so ill, yet always finding the time to smile, and give others a smile. You always find your way into conversations, through the weirdest of avenues. Time and again there is reason to utter your name, and I promise you, over the coming months and years, your name will be no less spoken.

The day you leave us, may that be so very far in the future, you will leave a hole in my heart impossible to fill. But instead I will fill that space with as many memories and thoughts of you as I can find, so they are safe with me forever, and I will always feel a part of you remains with me.

Having known of the various issues for so long, I suppose you are meant to be prepared for this "we knew it was coming" and all that stuff, but rubbish, no, I refuse to accept that for one second. You may never read this. God only knows you have enough on your plate to deal with right now, rather than listening to the emotional blabberings of a mad man, but I write this to YOU none the less.

I have stood in the sidelines of peoples lives for a while now, watching their days pass, knowing they are unwell and will leave prematurely, but I can honestly say that even with two members of my immediate family diagnosed, nothing could have prepared me for this moment in time. I will wake from every sleep hoping this is just a cruel dream, as I'm sure you will too, but throughout the days I will spend them making a scrapbook in my mind of all we have done.

I could go on forever writing, reminiscing the times we have shared together, but instead I will wrap this up now with a few words from the heart.

You are truly my brother, a deep part of my life and I have so many memories and other things to thank you for. I will never forget you, nor forgive this cruel world for daring to try and take you from us for so long. Your fight will live on with me forever, and you will be the inspirational person for many in the future.
Thank you for blessing me with your friendship, and enriching my life with your trust for so long. My eyes actually burn and start to fill with tears as I write these final words for now, which is an amazing and intense feeling for me, and one I have not felt for so long.

Thank you for being one of the few who have defined me as a person.

My thoughts are with you and your family at this time, and please know that I am only a word away, always by your side, and here for you and your entire family throughout.

I love you, please don't leave us too soom my brother.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

I have just had yet more news, and this time its really hit home hard. I won't go into deep details at this point as the news is not out there yet. But I am at the point of really not understanding what its all about right now.

So many people, so close, and all in such a small time frame. Sometimes you are left wondering what is the point in all this, period!

I'm not thinking straight, and just babbling now, so will shut up, but dude.... My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I will be with you shortly.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Well, it doesn't does it. You know what I mean, when you have stored it all up for so long, then it all just comes gushing out. Ok that could be taken two ways I guess, so choose your own meaning, and follow me on this brief journey of discovery.

Sitting down to coffee with Tracy this morning was very refreshing indeed, not just the caffeine, nor the chocolate twist (or the Krispy Kreme I consumed while I was waiting for her lol), but I mean the conversation. It was nice to relax with someone I feel comfortable with, kick back, be open and just let it all flow for a bit. We chatted for over an hour, and the time flew by.

Over recent times we have both been consumed by complex goings on, and managed to get these out on the table in no time, delving deep into my dark and shady self, opening doors not touched for some time. If Tracy got half of what I got from the conversation, then it was an hour well spent in Costa, and well worth the travel for us both. Caroline being there would have been superb I think, but next time I hope, then we can have a good old fashioned threesome haha.

So going back to the conversation. Strangely one of the topics covered was friendships and trust. The amazing way you can connect with someone after 20+ years and just carry on like it was last week. That takes a combination of trust, openess and a genuine sense of connection with that person. Quite apt then that we have been out of touch for the best part of twenty years, yet can get together over a coffee and be so honest with each other about such personal and may I say intimate things. But that's good right? Amazing to believe that a friendship, a bond formed so long ago at a rather immature age can go on to be something so different many years later. That said, I'm thankful that it works like that, especially for me, Mr Super Complex life!

But getting to my point, the release I mention. We all bottle things up at time. Just a note, if you took "release" to mean something else, then I do NOT bottle that up, eeew! But in the mind at least, we carry thoughts, feelings, desires along with us, until such a time we can offload them, or at least find someone to share the load with. Which is what happened today. I spilled my load all over the table, and Tracy lapped it up. Haha ok a little crude, forgive me, but you know what I mean. Cards down, heart open, and out it poured, and she was there to help make sense of it all.

The most touched on subject today, other than sex (Tracy's preferred topic) was death and grieving believe it or not. Quite a range of topics to cover, but as I say it is something we are both dealing with right now, and it was 'nice' to share a moment with someone else going through it all. As well as Noel who has also recently lost a dear friend (RIP David).
The contrast between my own and Tracy's feelings on death was like night and day. While she is not consumed with grief at this stage, there is part of her obviously showing the wish and need to grieve (sorry to speak of you as a third person hun). The eyes and face show such sorrow when speaking of her Grandmothers passing, and then switch to frustration and anger at mentioning the family issues which now surround her. A situation I am familiar with following the passing of my own grandmother a few years back.

A time we should be remembering and respecting our loved one, but so frequently it turns into a competition to be the favourite, the most important, the most grief stricken or the leader of the pack. For god sakes people, deal with it in your own way. Stop ruining these precious moments for others, and let each person cope in their own way. If you have nothing nice to say, or helpful to offer, shut up, sit in the corner and do your own thing. Its not a time for competition, but for a time of contemplation. To remember those memories made recently and yesteryear, to create a final memory of the deceased, and a time to reflect that time is short and precious for us all, some shorter than others. And as per "If tomorrow never comes", we should deal with each day wisely, yet not save up our thoughts, feelings and emotions for tomorrow. But express in real time, leaving nothing unsaid, and no stone of interest unturned.

Wow, where did all that come from lol.
I guess that's me having another release eh.

Then there are other types of release, secrets, guarded parts of our lives. Not relevant to everyone in our lives, but worth a mention. Things going on in your life that it is worth running by a friend to get a different perspective on. Maybe their opinion, or maybe just for the sake of saying "there, I said it" and moving on.
I have never believed that there is any one person in someones life that you can tell ALL to... Close but not 100%. That's not a matter of trust or respect, but more perspective and relevance. Sometimes its easier to talk to someone who is slightly more distant to a situation if you want perspective. Speaking to someone as close to it as yourself doesn't change perspective, only opinion. After all they are seeing what you see, but may have a different opinion based on morals, not presented facts. Talk to someone across the way however and they can see the other side, and sometimes give you an angle you had not considered. Sounds a little weird but think about it for a second.

The refreshing part about getting another perspective on a situation, is when the other view is very similar, and you get confirmation that no matter how messy something seems, that even from the other side YOU have made a sound decision, and one that others understand, respect and support you in. I know at least one person this is relevant to, and hope to be sharing a coffee with soon, and much like todays with Tracy, I hope it is as open and revealing for us both.

Ultimately the stories we carry and secrets we bare will eventually consume us, not with guilt necessarily, but with the amount of time it comes back to make us dwell on it over and over. A problem shared is a problem halved. So don't carry a burden, and find someone you trust and can confide in to relieve yourself. Share a release with a friend, and who knows, maybe you can have a mutual release together.

Sometimes its hard to know just how bad something is eating you up inside, until the pressure is released. Then as soon as the tap is turned, it all starts flowing, and just keeps coming and coming.

So today, I thank Tracy for her time, and offer that mutual release at any time you need it. You know how to get in touch.
And in the past few days or weeks, I thank those who have been there and supported me through recent issues in my personal life. Without you I would not be me. Thank you.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®