Sometimes it seems that I am asked this frequently, but never seem to ask others very much, and it can make me feel a bit crappy at times.
When I meet with friends for a catch-up, at times I come away wondering if I let them speak at all, and if indeed I did, then did I pay attention. Conversation is a two-way thing, and occasionally I feel like I have not done enough listening, and indeed done all the talking.
When I break it all down, I think.... THINK, it is not as bad as my mind makes it, but from time to time I need to ask and check. My circle of friends is tiny, and people I have regular deep conversations with are few and far between. So being that guy who just sits there talking about themselves, and never listens is not who I want to be.
Now before you ask, yes YOU! I know we have a running joke about it's all me, me, me.... (or at least I think it's a joke), but that is not what I mean. I like a good ramble and rant as much as the next person, and I know I am pretty good at monologues, and sometimes conversations feel like they have a good balance of talking and listening. Then responding accordingly. I think that is the point where some "me, me" comes into it, and I like to try and use my own experiences as an offering to "compare" to, or at least relate to the subject at hand.
My problem really starts when I am having one of those days where I just can't focus. Conversation, information etc is like water off a ducks back. No matter how hard I try it just doesn't absorb. I find myself asking people to repeat themselves. Worse still is coming away from a meet-up with someone feeling lighter and like I have offloaded my woes, but with very little idea of what they said during that time. I have been known to message people after meeting with them to apologise if I was a bit rude or vacant.
I would never knowingly meet up with someone just to have an hour long monologue. OK sometimes I can have a lot to say, but hearing others out is just as important to me.
Worse still is the inability to absorb information can be quite long term for me. It is frustrating when you are talking to someone and the reference something that was said in a previous conversation with such clarity. While you struggle to recall what was said at the start of this conversation today. I think it is this part of things that made me want to write this blog today.
Now it is not like I cannot absorb information, ever. But thinking back to even times at school, I would just tune out for a bit, and my mind would become noisy with my own thoughts. Internalised conversations going on, all the while growing more and more frustrated at not being able to concentrate. To be clear, as you can probably tell, it is quite a conscious issue. I am usually very much aware that I am not concentrating enough to respond if called upon. It was the same with school, had there been a mid point question, I would have been stuffed.
As I say, looking back, I realise this has been something I have lived with for years. It is probably why I got bored and left school early, and why I have never really pursued any form of further education, regardless of how interested I am in a subject. But it is only of late that I have actually realised JUST how busy and noisy my mind is. I know I have mentioned it numerous times in many blogs now. How the noise in my head disturbs my rest, makes me anxious, and plays tricks with me. However, it was only when I started doing mindfulness relaxations, and meditation that I understood it better.
Usually I would notice it the most when I was trying to go to sleep, things pop into my head, and internalised conversations would begin for hours on end. From time to time I would be watching something on TV, well, I would be present in the room as the program played at least. But as the phrase goes, "my mind was elsewhere". Sadly, no idea where that was. But since I started using the Calm app, and have been able to be "present and in the moment", I have noticed just how quickly my focus shifts.
Some days it is the perfect example of how the mind drifts, and meditation helps you come back to the moment. Other days, no matter how much I have practised, I have to submit to the fact that my mind wants to do other things right now. Sadly resulting in frustration rather than relaxation. Of course it is then I now switch to breathing exercises, just for a few mins, to hit reset, and calm the mind down again. Something I have become quite good at recently.
I am hoping that with these practises in my toolbox, I can start to be a little more attentive when in conversation with friends, and be better at dialogue rather than monologue.
Whatever happens, just know that if I have taken the time to have a conversation with you, it is because I care about you, and am genuinely trying to be there and share a meaningful moment with you. If I glaze over, or didn't hear what you said, it is because my mind ran away for a moment, and not that you are boring me. Rest assured, if you are boring me, I WILL tell you. But then if we are close enough to have these conversations, you already knew that!
Right, enough of this, I am boring myself now, so I shall leave it there.
Thanks for reading, and I will be back soon with another tedious monologue.