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These are the items that added with my food packs from Protikee will go to making up my intake for the week. Gammon will last a few days, roast (drained) chicken joint will do the same. The veggies there will probably go in to 2 portions per pack to make up some green intake, and the pepsi max will supply the bubbles.

And not forgetting the mighty porridge. Oat so simple, but oh so delicious and filling as an evening stop gap.

Added together with the myriad of bars and snacks, as well as chocolate shakes and hot chocolates I have, and I am taken care of for the week ahead. And not forgetting the phenomenal amount of water and squash over the course of a day too.

Weight loss, or weight maintenance, you decide, but we will find out between Saturday and Monday. If this damned pizza from yesterday ever clears my body lol
Regards
Michael

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Ok so with it being important that I maintain flexibility this week, I thought it was time to pay the physio a visit. With all the stress so far this week, the top of my spine and neck is tight as hell, Its time to see Kevin @ Back on Track to get me back to my old self.

Usually a monthly thing, I have missed Dec and Jan due to commitments and financial reasons, but Feb, let's call it my little birthday treat shall we.

In 30 mins time I hope to be free again, to turn my head, look all around and use my back as it should be used.

Is it strange to look forwards to the manipulation of the spine and making it creak and crack... Well if it is, call me weird, because the end result to me is so worth it.

So here goes......
Regards
Michael

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And probably the threat of hospital helped a little too. But this morning mum is making much more of an effort to get drink and food inside of her. Unsurprising but she is feeling a bit better, and is able to get herself in and out of bed, as well as to the loo, out for a ciggy and into the kitchen.

She says its all down to the steroids, but something tells me state of mind plays a part in that too.
Of course, its not all rosey. After being told over and over by the medics yesterday that she probably has a urine infection because of the dehydration, she didn't bother to mention the problem to the doctor when he came. So of course, they have let her down and she wants to know why the hell they are not treating it. Needless to say, it needs diagnosing properly before they can treat it.

The district nurse will be calling today to do mums blood sugar and wound checks. And a nurse from St Christophers will be coming around to see how mum is doing, and to see if anything can be done from their end to help with matters too. Thankfully things are better than yesterday though. As I type, she has just popped out for another ciggy, so has her priorities straight.

She ate before the carer arrived this morning, but was very positive when she did arrive, and they got on well, which was nice to see. Chatting, and just getting on the little things mum needed doing. After the carer had left, again mum was complimentary about her, and said it was lovely that she just did her thing and left.

Me and my sister wrote up a list of little things for the carer to do daily as her "plan" and she has been brilliant at following it, just need to do one for the afternoon now too. Then she can check it off against what mum needs, and if nothing else is needed, can go.

Going back to yesterday, just after I thought nothing else could go wrong, the dog threw up on the bed, which ended up costing £60 to replace all the bedding. But on the + side, the bread bin and biscuit tin I have been meaning to buy were in the clearance sale with 1/3 off. Balance restored.... Almost lol.

My birthday binge of food didn't go down well, and I could not sleep most of the night, so I was pleased when postie arrived with my weeks supply of Protikee this morning.

Right, I have physio booked for 3pm to get me sorted physically. Important things to do this week and need to be in my best possible shape to do them. So looking forwards to some violent pampering lol.

That's me for now, hopefully we are on the up now.

Have a good one.

Regards

Michael

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Thank you once again to the wonderful world of Protikee, aka The Kee Diet, for their supplies package which arrived prompt this morning. Packed full of both my favourites and some new bits to try during the week ahead. Including a couple of packs of their new Maltester style snacks, gratis for my birthday (thanks guys)

Now I am around my goal weight, its more about maintaining and adjusting to my new intake. With a variety of Total loss, and weight control products this week, some new flavours of bars included in the line-up. This weeks plan is maybe a shake in the morning, along with my usual 2-3 pints of fluids. Some chicken breast for lunch (a £5 frozen roast joint from Tesco lasts 5 days), some porridge early evening, and then a bar or hot chocolate at night. Bars are also there for snacks if needed throughout the day, due to the amount of activity walking the dogs etc.

I have to say, after yesterdays birthday blowout, I have never been happier to be back on meal replacements. Going back to food reminds me how much slower you feel while digesting a meal etc. So I think I have found a happy medium with the mix of Kee and foods. Just got to keep the ideas fresh now.

So this is me saying urrrgh to over rated heavy food, and yay to nice light on the stomach stuff. Chicken and porridge rock!
Regards
Michael

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The ambulance crews (yes 2 of them) spent the best part of 2 hours with mum. Talking to her, testing her, finding thingd wrong with her etc, and everything points to a trip to the hospital.
As soon as it was mentioned, the defences went up and the arguing started. Refusal to go to Lewisham hospital, they treat her like a prisoner and she is not going there.
A rethink and how about St Thomas's. No, their patient transport there is shocking and she is not going there. The list carried on, Kings College, Guys, but no no no.
Eventually they suggested taking her to St Christophers Hospice, amazing treatment and care etc, but shock horror, NO!
Apparently her visit there last week was very bad, she could not stand the noise there and now doesn't like it.

So after an almost 2 hour stand-off they finally had to offer her the "I don't want your help" form, which she signed quite happily.

So she is left with, a urine infection, severe dehydration, an irregular heart, no appetite, no strength and no will to go on.

The GP called shortly after they left and bluntly (as he usually is) asked did she not care about the impact she was having on others, she screamed down the phone at him that she was sick and tired of caring what other people wanted, and was doing what she wanted now, and that was doing nothing, and being left to do her own thing and slip away.

Problem with that is, none of the conditions from the symptoms she is displaying are related to the cancer, so it unlikely that "this is it" at all. So instead she is committing to lots of pain and discomfort, weakness and less dependency, and infection spreading to her kidneys. Which she will no doubt say the cancer is spreading to too.

So here I am, at home, on my birthday, 3 years to the day this journey begun, wondering what I am supposed to do. I will admit I am feeling VERY resentful right now. Disappointed that mum is doing this to herself, and feeling its fair on everyone else around her to be left to cope with this.

When my sister asked earlier if she had wished me happy birthday she just grunted "NO!".

Its not about my birthday really, its about her lack of comprehension of how this impacts me and my sister. Mum doesn't want to talk to me at the moment (in the devil), hung up on the doctor, but is nice as pie to my sister, laughing and joking with her.

Oh well, I guess I better get back on track, I was meant to be having celebration pizza today, but for some reason have lost my appetite!

Thanks for reading
Regards
Michael

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And this year, it starts with an ambulance.

Mum has been unwell and a bit unwilling for the past 24 hours, but this morning is refusing to get out of bed, to take food or drink, or even her medication.

The carer called me in this morning to say how she had found mum, and on speaking to the GP he informed a home visit was not worth while, and he would send an ambulance for her.

Feels her general condition warrants a trip to the hospital to check her over and see what they can do for her.

All feels rather normal to me these days, less adrenalin pumping round the old body, even though I know an ambulance is coming for mum. How am I writing this you ask, should I not be doing something else?

Well the doctor has advised its a non priority 1 hour call for the ambulance, and in my judgement, given how she will respond on their arrival, especially to me, its better I stay out of the way for now.

I am expecting them to advise that she is dehydrated, and a little malnourished, as for what any other tests might show, that's hard to know, but I'm sure time will tell.

So here goes, waiting on the ambulance and what she says to them now. If she refuses to go with them, this is going to be one hell of a day. And if she does go with them, who knows what to expect.

Regards

Michael

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Ok so today is "I give up" day, mum not me.
Since the other day with the change of colour of one of her meds she has become more and more determined to do things her way. Refusing to take the yellow pill now, so I have changed it with the few remaining ones of the other colour until I can see the GP about it, and now eating less and less.

Needless to say it is frustrating as hell to sit back and watch someone slowly starve themselves, as well as have such a low intake of fluids.

To me, another stay in hospital is on the cards, but if course she can refuse that too.

She said in short to my sister today that she is fed up of it all now and just wants to give up. Which is fine if that's what she really wants. But there is a right and wrong way to do it, and right now, it's the wrong way of doing it.

On top of all this, her interest towards her sleeping tablets is a worry too. Complaining that I won't let her keep the entire pack of 28 in her room. My reasoning to her for this is the kids. All she has to do is drop one, or the pack, and one of the little ones could be enticed by their pretty blue colour and down some.
Obviously I have a dual agenda, and my other concern is, with no one about, on a bad night she could decide to take more than she should. For obvious reasons I want to minimise this risk.

One way or the other I am going to have to speak to the GP and the hospice in the morning and try and get some advice and some hands on help with all this, as it is rapidly becoming more than I can deal with.

I can't imagine how it feels to be going down hill, knowing you are terminally ill, and at any time there may be a droip off point. But at the same time I can't imagine not trying everything possible to stay on to of my game too. Maybe its because I am not in that position, maybe we have different mindsets or something, but I can't figure it out.

There have been numerous "false alarms" along the way with her getting ill over something totally unrelated, and we go to the hospital, she stays in, gets hydrated and comes home much better. But this time the train of thought is on another route. Fighting help, refusing to discuss, and turning away almost anything offered to make life a little easier.

Needless to say, that just makes my life harder. I know, I know, poor me, but I'm not the one dying right. Nope, you are of course right. Instead I'm the one feeling shitty about being off work for so long, wondering what is being said about me, on medication so I can think straight and life a "normal" life, and be there for my mum while she wastes away right under my nose. What would I know, right!

Ok rant over. Here's to hoping that I can get some help from the GP and hospice with this tomorrow.
Tomorrow, my 38th birthday, and 3 years to the day that I ran around like a crazy man trying to get a doctor to see my mum who had just admitted to me she thought she had breast cancer.

Birthdays are great eh!

Tense times ahead I fear, but time will tell.

Regards
Michael

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Yesterdays weigh in saw another good weekly loss, another 4lbs gone, in 6 days. That's allowing for a chinese treat meal the previous Saturday, and slightly reduced exercise this week due to appointments, weather etc. As well as the reintroduction of food this week, turkey, bacon etc.

So I'm a happy man. I'm now in my comfort zone, so losing a few more lbs won't hurt, but if the loss slows right down, no bother.

Well as its my birthday tomorrow, I have decided for a treat. Pizza! If I can still lose a lb or 2 by the weekend, bonus. If not, I will still be happy 🙂

Regards

Michael

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