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Published on Leave a comment on Phew, I’m pooped!

What a great start to the day. For starters when I woke up this morning, my eyes were just not interest in getting up, and refused to open. Eventually time and necessity got the better of me, so I got up. Just in time for the postie to deliver something I have been waiting for. My LED spotlights for the light unit in my bedroom.

Unwrapped and installed within seconds...... And they are utter shit! Flash bright then go very dim, which is not use to me. Then to add insult to injury, as I tried to remove one of them, it fell apart. Needless to say I have contacted the seller and am awaiting a reply to see what they wanna do about it. Lesson learned, cheap LED bulbs are NOT worth it!

Then it was dog walking time. Getting it in asap, as mum had a nurse coming late morning. Progress was good, about half a mile from home I got word that the nurse would be home very soon.... So started running. Ran the half mile home only to find that the nurse was already there and in. Tuvaaq was in the kitchen. So that was a waste of energy lol, but a nice run all the same.

Sorry to the people startled by seeing Aana running up the road, I was getting some rather strange looks to say the least. Feels good to push yourself from time to time though I have to say.

Next up, once the carer has been, its off to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for mum. Another day with lots of walking, seems like they are never ending recently. My intake has gone up a little to allow for this, but not sure where that leaves me weight wise. I am definatly losing more size as clothes are getting looser and looser (and not stretching to match my girth! Lol)

I might have a low intake day in the next day or two and a weigh in to see where I am with weight. Just out of curiosity more than anything. I am happy with my health improvement, that's the main thing. As I said before the next step is toning, and I really must get my finger out and get on with that. Talk is cheap! Time to knuckle down and get on with it. Starting with abs and tri's.

In fact, as soon as I'm back from the walk to the pharmacy, I'm going to do a bit of each, and get this show on the road.

Other than that, life is pretty dull. Thankfully mum has stabilised for the time being. Still a little confused about a few things, but trying harder to eat and drink etc. Still loves to moan and huff about things too.

Just a quick mention to Kim who is in hospital. Hope its not a long stay for you hun, and I will be up asap to see you 🙂 x

Regards
Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on Its Meh-day

For some reason my brain is having an off day. Ok, so anyone who knows me will know that me having a dumb day is nothing rare. But this isn't me being stupid for once. Today is not about brain not engaging, its just not starting. Flat batteries, flooded with thoughts? I don't know, but its frustrating as hell.

Usually by this time I'm alive with thoughts, ideas, even if they are somewhat depressing but today, nothing really. Instead I'm moping around with nothing but bah and meh on my mind lol.

I'm sure fresh air with the dogs will help, so fingers crossed I can get the morning started soon. Thinking about it, I think one of the other problems is, I have done so many of the important things I needed to do now that there is very little stimulating or worrying left to do. Compared to a few weeks back, with bills building up, problems with the carers, stressing about work etc, this week so far is rather dull and mundane.

Not to say there is nothing to deal with, of course there is. But for once none of it has me in a spin.

Instead I'm left with other things that are months away yet. And other things that I can only wonder about. How is my dear daughter going to do in her exams (I'm sure she will do amazingly well), what is going to happen about my escape to Florida this year, what will I be doing by July/August... So many things, but none that I can influence so far away.

So my plan today, spend some time talking to mum, the weekend has been a bit quiet between us, keep up with the housework, give the dogs a groom with my super new brush from Pets at Home, walk and feed the dogs, feed myself. Oh I just remembered, pick up prescription for mum from the pharmacy... I'm sure more will come to me as the day passes, but for now, that's it.

Quick updates on other things...
Mum, been feeling a little less energetic recently, seems to have more of a job moving about. Quite grumpy (understandable with me about) and spoke to an old friend the other day on the phone. After being asked how she was, she went on to inform her "not that good, I have cancer now, I'm tired of all the fussing and just want to be left to die now". Great way to break the news. But her choice.

As for me, maintaining weight, believe about another 2-3lbs went over the past 10 or so days. Not paying too much attention now, but I'm not gaining, and recent weigh ins have been after food and drink, and are still lower than previous. Happy happy.

Right, I better get on, have a great week all.
Regards
Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on Who am I ?

A question I clearly don't ask myself enough these days, but one that springs to the front of my mind right now.

Forgive the ramblings of a mad man, but its all bubbling up to the surface right now, so as you know I like to blog it before it starts to set and make no sense to me.

I am chatting to a few people tonight on my faithful BBM (I would be lost without Blackberry Messenger), while at the same time watching/listening to a 90's resurrection set on MTV Dance, and as things are said, and tunes play, I am slowly starting to figure out a few little things, like "who I am"

Adult life started in the 90's for me, so clubbing days, driving around like a misguided youth, and discovering myself, were all done with this music as my soundtrack. Hearing these tunes play while I am in deep though provokes all sorts of thoughts.

Tunes that remind me of first experiences, ones that remind me of friends who have since passed. Past relationships, watching my daughter grow, and so much more. You know what I mean. Music is like a smell or a taste, in an instant we are back 10 years, living a moment all over again.

Then the next thing I know I am reminiscing of days gone by, and comparing the me of yesteryear, and wonder what is real and what is the adapted me. The me that has shaped myself to fit in, or accept what I have before me.

We all do it, set out with dreams and aspirations, and before we know it they are changing. Changing because its easier to change our way of thinking, than it is to make changes to our life. Leaving the comfort zone, stepping forwards, moving on, and daring to think outside the box... All too daunting for anyone and everyone from time to time.

*Just to digress for a moment, N-Trance "set you free" has just come on, and my god that has gone from being a club banger, to almost a sentimental meaningful song... Anyway... Back to the other bit.

So our aspirations change, but in my case when I look back in reality, I think I have stayed pretty true to my chosen path. OK so I'm not successful, retired and living in Florida, but we can all dream eh.
But in general, certainly up to a couple of years ago I would say I have stayed on track.

Its the past 24-36 months that provoke deeper thought for me. I have not strayed, and I still know what I want, but my life has been put on the back burner, until recently at least. The past week or two have honestly made me realise I need to live for myself too, and stay in touch with my own realities, not just those of people who "need" me.

Achievements of recent make me stronger and more positive. Steps I have taken in different directions make me confident, and people around me empower me to strive for a better life than the ditch I seem to have slipped into over recent months.

So when I think about it, the answer to who am I is a simple one really... I am me, Michael. The deep minded, over thinking, complex emotional guy. The one who spends most of his life wanting to improve other peoples lives, and forgetting to take the occasional time out to focus on his own life. Yet here I am... Taking time to reflect and think about my own life. So maybe I'm not as set in my ways as I think.

OK so I said I was rambling, and know this makes no sense, so let me summarise...

Respect your own decisions, regardless of what others try to make you believe, or opinions they impose upon you.
Don't be afraid to do something different, new, unexplored. Just because you think it might upset someone. If it upsets them, then is their opinion that important to you?
Take time out for YOU. Regardless of how smooth sailing life may seem, there is always room for manoeuvre, and time for a quick sanity check. When you lose touch with yourself, reality becomes a blur.
Remember who YOU are. What you stand for, your beliefs, morals and goals in life. There is always room for compromise, but rarely room for total surrender.

After blurting all this out, I am making sense of the root of this all, and getting back in touch and in tune with my own thoughts and emotions (as those who know me will be able to tell by how much I'm writing)

So thank you for reading, thank you for inspiring my thoughts this way, and take care of Number 1
Regards
Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on Oops, sorry!

While taking a moment to reflect recently, and talking to someone about day to day life, I realised something shocking.
I am without realising it, cutting away at life lines, and pushing people away, when in fact I actually need them close by.
Last week I had an amazing time in a friends company, we chatted, laughed and messed about in a way that truly felt unfamiliar to me at the time. Yet the more I think about it, the more I realise that was actually the real me, the normal me. Not the current me that is beaten down by emotions, and weighed down by events of day to day life.

But over the past days, as I have settled back into my normal role, I seem to have been a bit negative to said people, and really should think before I act.

Now I'm not trying to get all deep and emotional, I'm not going to run away and start a new life as a hermit living under a waterfall or anything. BUT... I am going to make a concious effort to make sure I treat the people who make a difference to me, with respect, and hope I can keep their company for a long time.

So thank you for listening to me, for entertaining my thoughts, and for all the kinds of company you offer. There are some special people out there, for which I am grateful.

A line of arrogance from me for a moment. Usually being the one offering the hand of help, I now know what it feels like to receive care, comfort and ne respected by someone who owes you none of that.

X
Regards
Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on Physical conditioning time..

..But where to start.
Weight loss has proven successful, and I am happy with where I am now, so the next logical stage is to start conditioning.
Mentally I am conditioned already towards healthier choices in food, sensible eating patterns etc, so now its physical time.

When I say conditioning, I'm not talking ripped, six pack, and vascular (although that would be nice lol.) I just want to head back to firming up around the edges, and not looking like I just lost a huge chunk of weight. Tighten up the stomach a little, some definition back in my back and arms would be lovely for me right now.

My problem, an ageing, brittle body lol. Heavy training over the past few years has seen me end up on the operating table too many times, so I am keen to avoid any more surgery.

So I am currently working on a daily home circuit that I can do to enable this all to happen, and trying to decide what would help. A small resistance machine with a weight stack would be good to vary the movements, while limiting the impact on my joints and tendons. Along with simple things like push-ups, chair dips, crunches etc to work the usually unworked muscle groups.

So here we are, phase 2 of getting back into shape. I can't wait to get started, and start exhausting my body nicely lol.

Suggestions for movements welcomed.
Regards
Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on That’s a bit better.

For me anyway. After a few days of battling to get back on track I feel like I am finally getting somewhere now. That said, its 8.50 and I'm back in bed lol. So maybe not a great example.

Difference between today and yesterday is that I'm all geared up and mentally prepared to get the day started properly. My feet and legs are craving the morning walk with the dogs, so must answer their calling soon.

After that, a few more things I have to do, bank, shops, doctors... But all in hand I feel.

So first up, getting ready and going to give the dogs a good walk. From my panic list of to-do's from the earlier part of the week there is really not much left. Work contacted, chunk of rent paid, accounts balanced to hopefully cover the remainder of the months expenditures.

So really nothing too stressful to do for the day, other than make sure mum gets some fluids inside her, and takes her meal replacement drinks that the doctor prescribed yesterday.

Right, gonna step it up a gear now and get going. Back later with more, if I don't wear myself out with housework and walking.

Regards

Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on Snap out of it!

That's what I have to keep telling myself over the past few days. It seems that taking a day out from caring and stressing has had a profound impact on my ability to function. Ok, so I'm probably over thinking this, and let's face it, it would hardly be the first time now would it!
The night I spent away from home kinda threw my sleep pattern, but that's not to say I'm complaining, trust me IM NOT! But I just seem to lack the get up and go I have had over recent months. Little jobs stacking up, reluctance to get out of bed.
Hey, you know what, maybe its just my body and mind saying "chill the f**k out". After all, everything seems ok here right now.

That said, the past couple of days, mum is back off her food and drink again. Complaining she is feeling tired and weak, and is really quite wobbly too, which really isn't good. Not sure if she has not recovered very well from last weeks bout of being ill, or is just at another stage of the illness now.
I am trying to let her stay in control of seeing doctors etc right now, and we spoke about them yesterday, but her mindset seems to me that she will see one when she is ready too. Which anyone reading this blog will know, is usually too late.

So all these little jobs building up, anything major? Nope not really. Rent arrears need paying towards over the phone, but can't be bothered speaking to people right now. My mind is shying away from conversation like mad.
Also I need to speak to work regarding the current situation, but again, the thought of that conversation just makes me put it on a back burner and add it to tomorrows to-do list.

I also have a whole load of reading to catch up on too, which I am going to use today for. The crap weather is almost a sign saying, "nowhere else to go, so crack on with your chores".

So todays to-do:
Rent payment
Contact work
Reading
Housework
Shopping
Consult GP for mum
And I'm sure things will add themselves to it by the end of the day.

With that said, I guess I better get started. Once the carer is done with mum I can get going on the housework.
Speaking of the carer, I meant to say, she is getting on with them much better now, just the weekend one that is the issue. She still won't depend on them but is more at ease.

Oh one last thing, just as a time stamp for me really, but feel free to read on. Mums confusion seems to be playing up a bit. Nothing too serious, but not like her to get something like this wrong.

Yesterday, 9am the carer left the house. 9.30 I took the first dog out. 10.15 I returned to the house. On opening the outer door, the inner door blew open. Mum was in the hallway and said there was post for me. (Postie had been while I was out with the dog) I said to mum "did you see me in the hall and leave the door open for me", she replied no. So I asked why the door would have been open. Her reply was "those bloody women (carers) they keep leaving the door open, I will have to say something". Pointing out that I had left AFTER the carers, I tried to explain it could not have been the carer, but her reply was "well it certainly wasn't me". So I explained further that she was last to open the door as she had just checked for post. This made her quite angry, and she said "ok it must have been me" then slammed the door behind her. Oops!

Right this was meant to be a quick entry, so I'm done.

Have a good day

Regards

Michael

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Published on Leave a comment on 640 miles later….

And I'm home. A great 30 hours away from home. I am completely drained, quite literally, and had a great time and feel like I have truly shed a load!

As exhausted as I am, I am glad I took some time out, went to see my aunt, and feel I have achieved a great deal from one trip.

Can't say much more than that, as due to my exhausted mental state I am lost for words of any depth.

Now sitting at St Christophers Hospice waiting for a meeting with the family worker. Not sure how productive that will be because I am not quite switched on.

But worth a go lol

Regards

Michael

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