Snazy

Ok so they are actually song lyrics from Example's 'Two Lives' track, but the more I listen to it, the more I can relate on a number of levels. Recently I bought some CD's just to freshen up the music in my car, and this track appears on one of them. I had not paid much attention to the track before. But having spent a lot of time driving recently I have heard it over and over, and it almost haunts me right now if I'm honest.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on aspects of my life over the past week or two, and come to a simple conclusion. I indeed have a split personality or two lives. Not in a mentally unstable way I might add, although some might disagree. But seriously, I really do. When I look at certain parts of my life, I realise how differently I can behave towards an almost identical situation. And in another respect I have two completely different sides to me with regards to life in general. Both side knows nothing about the other side. A social line drawn which is never crossed.

I have actually been like this for about ten years now, but its only been recent weeks that have made it apparent that the divide remains firmly in place. Its almost like a 'work life, home life' thing, but on a far grander scale, with a whole heap of complexity mixed in for good measure. I bet you are reading this now thinking "he hasn't taken his medication has he", and to be fair, you would be right at this moment in time. But I'm not going mad, honest.

Let me try to explain this a little more before someone sends the men in white coats.

Ok, before getting all historical I should point out. I have recently realised how much of my life remains behind closed doors. Sure this blog delves, but at times it only scratches the surface. A recent conversation with Cadell highlighted this, and no matter how much I thought I was telling, it appeared there was so much more untold.
So historical time...
About 9-10 years ago I was having a conflicting time. You!? I hear you say! Yup simple little me. Once upon a time I was "popular" shall we say, and known by my nickname of 'Snazy', Google still bares the scars of that era lol. However, while digging deep one day, and starting to feel rather down, I realised no one really noticed a change in me. Then I started to see that 'Snazy' was a totally different person to Michael, and more of a crowd pleaser than a genuine person. It was all an act. So in an exercise to prove my point to a close friend, I asked her to contact 10 mutual people on MSN and ask them a simple question, "do you know Snazy's real name".... The replies were as shocking as I expected, and to her surprise maybe one of the ten got it right. (Remember this Kim?)

I think 'Snazy' died that night, or certainly in my mind he did. From that day on I promised myself it was all about ME and not about putting on fronts to make people happy. I guess to a degree I succeeded, and for a long time I have been very much one person. Until now anyway. Or maybe the past 2-3 years even. Either way, to me it is getting more and more noticeable.

The driving force behind the split is not as clear cut as before. It seems I need to be one person to deal with everything about mum, health etc. And I suppose my day to day life, dealing with work (speaking to them), coping with depression, and trying to stay as fully functioning as possible. While on the other side there is "me". What I would like to consider the real me. I will call this one Michael lol. As opposed to the serious, load baring, complex emotion filled guy, there is this far more simple side. Caring, fun loving, and a little bit stupid I guess.

Is there conflict between the two, is it hard to cope with? Well no, I don't think it is. But recent experiences have shown which side of me I resent so to speak. I don't regret being here for mum, not even the mental state it has put me in, but when I get the chance to be me for a while, I long to stay with my alter ego a little longer. Returning to normality gets harder and harder each time. Spending time away from the pressures of dealing with all of this is an absolute god send, and I love the company I get to keep during this time. But I know mum comes first, and ultimately I have a duty to carry out.

My hope is that one day I can just be one simple person again, and not be at constant battle with myself and my life to try and co-exist with myself.

Being so divided whilst being one person has all sorts of prices to pay. From social aspects, right through to making decisions. Working out how to deal with the work situation for example. Part of me has loyalty to the employer who has carried me for ten years. The other side is mad at myself for worrying about such things while mum is so ill. This is one of the reasons that I ended up on medication lol.

Right, my mind is playing a tug of war with all this, so I'm going to leave it there for now.

But I will close by saying this. If you read my blog regularly and sometime see conflicting statements. If there are obvious different writing styles, or if it just all seems a little hot and cold.... Welcome to the inner workings of my mind.... Messy isn't it!

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Today I have to see my GP. My sick certificate for work runs out today, and work are also keen to know what his opinion of me returning to work, even at reduced hours will be. My GP is also my mothers GP, so he is aware of both sides of the coin, and not just relying on me weeping "I can't cope" once a month. I respect his opinion totally, and he does not hold back his feelings on matters.

At the same time, there is a certain amount of 'pressure' from work now to make a decision so to speak. They are not a charity and have their own affairs to deal with, I understand this. However at the same time, I have my affairs to deal with, and mum I'm sorry to say is a firm Number 1 in my books. So any pressure to make me choose between them is really only going to make matters worse, not better.

So at 10.40 today I will see my GP, discuss mum, discuss my current state, and the suggestions made by work that I start to return in a limited capacity, building back up to my full hours. Now this sounds like a dandy idea, and doing half my hours would indeed be an interesting reintroduction. However, just as me being off can't last for ever, nor can limited capacity working. So I am left wondering if that would put me in a vunerable position all round. Which obviously doesn't go down well with me.

Tomorrow work will be calling to see what the GP has said about it all, and that's where it could all get a little messy. I'm not for one second gonna second guess what will happen today or tomorrow, but can't help running scenarios in my head, over and over. 2 extremes are most common to be the outcome. First that the GP says try going back, all works out and I manage to get back to a share between work and home. And the other being the GP decides trying to split myself like that is risky, and that I need to get my mind right before adding more strain, and signing me off. Causing work to 'take action' and look to working me out of the business. This is the strongest one for me at the moment to be fair.

In reality, I can't control the outcome, as much as I would love to. Getting back to work would be a positive step for me, and possibly be just what I need to break the day up. But with the responsibility load I already have, and the small amount of stability I have managed to find, I am more than aware how this could all spiral out of control too.

Yesterdays example was my sister messaging me to say she had found the doors open at home. Mum had opened the door for someone at some point, and again forgotten to close or lock the doors. Is this a worry, errm yeah!! On multiple levels. She did the same a few days back too and blamed anyone but herself.

Anyway, like I say, I can't control it, so no point in dwelling on it I guess. It is what it is, so I will deal with it from 11am!

Its a lovely day outside, great for a walk to the doctors. Just got to wait on the district nurse to come, then hopefully take a walk to the doctors. Then after the afternoon carer has been, maybe take mum to the park for a wheel in the sunshine. Feed the ducks, and relax a little.

I will no doubt be back later to tell you what happened at the doctors, but for now, have a great day and hug someone you love 🙂

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

I have decided to to start a separate blog to try and capture the entire journey with mums cancer, from my perspective. So often it seems that carers are forgotten when talking about cancer and it's effects, but I can tell you first hand it is NOT easy coping at times.

So I have started this new blog.

http://annsnasdell.blogspot.com/

Its now gone 4am and I am what I like to call "fast awake". Mind racing, wide awake, and no chance of it letting up right now. When it reached 2am and I had only napped I decided for some bizarre reason, that walking the dogs might help. Dinner was a little carb heavy tonight, so I thought burn off some of that, calm the mind and sleeeep! But no, it hasn't worked.

I should say at this point, thank you to Cadell for your company on BBM in these early hours. I'm sure you could be having much more fun than talking to me, while you are out meant to be having fun. And Naruto (aka Ricky) for the company and comments/ suggestions on Facebook. On the walk the company has been invaluable and broken my train of thought nicely. Probably saving me from eternal doom at the mercy of my wild mind.

As I walked for the past almost 2 hours I have thought of numerous names for this entry. Various takes and angles on what to write, and tried to delve into what could be causing this broken sleep recently, but by the end of over 7 miles, I came up with.... Nothing basically, hence the name.

I have however identified some projects, self help ideas if you may, and one makes me think it will really work. The key one being a diary styled book. As some of you may know I have already begun a book project some years ago. Its purpose, much like this blog, was to clear the mind of deep thoughts. However its purpose ran far deeper than ever expected. Full of open and honest emotions, and reflecting on my experiences in life, it seems to have struck a chord with some people, even having quite a profound impact on some.

So my thought is to do this again, record the journey with mum and her battle with cancer, from a 3rd party view. As her carer and son, attached in so many ways, yet trying to remain detached for sanity reasons. Titles right now evade me. The mention of cancer seems inappropriate, but not mentioning it seems like shying away from the truth. I'm sure I will come up with something, but in the meantime the writing shall begin very soon. Time to fire up the netbook!

I have the foreword and first couple of chapters written in my head already, the rest, well I'm sure that will flow, just like "The Truth About Love" did, and as the story draws to a close, the ending will write itself. I am sure this blog will prove a good reference source for me, as well as other internet sites where I have recorded aspects of the journey.

So what else is there? Well another thing I have decided to do is "A letter to mum" Just like a few days ago, making an entry regarding the people who surround me, I feel there is a lot to say to mum, and for me the best way is to write it, share it, make sense of it, then say it properly. Might sound a bit freaky, but with anything emotive I like to sound myself out first, before storming in without thinking.

Speaking of storming in, I managed to pick an argument with a neighbour and his friend this evening. Coming home from the shops the driveway was blocked. Unpacked the car, went indoors just as the owner returned. Deciding it wasn't good enough I went out to speak to the owner. Looking back I was quite rude to him, and he was apologetic for his actions. However as I walked away I heard what I had just said to him, realised I was harsh and went back to apologise. Thankfully both of them were understanding, we shook hands, made peace and left it there, with a smile and a laugh. Phew.
All a bit weird for me to be that confrontational about something like that, especially given the odds being against me lol. But that's where I am right now. Unstable, realistic, not sure what to call it really.

Ok, so that's my ideas for now. Proper writing starts soon, so I better try and sleep now. As ever, thanks for reading, and thanks again for the company tonight/ this morning

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Ok the very first thing I have to say is 'thank you'. To everyone who took the time to read yesterdays elongated entry, and also to those who chose to text, email, BBM, me, and those who commented too. Its amazing the difference it makes. Just to know someone listens to what you are saying can be like therapy itself. But to get such powerful feedback, from those who have experienced what you are going through, empathise with what is happening, and to have people reach out with support is SO very powerful.

Not one word said to me in any format yesterday went unregistered, and all the passion and comfort in peoples words has impacted me deeply. Added to the openess I had written with, it almost feels like I dug deep into my heart, and pulled out all the pain, and anguish, and replaced it with all the care and love offered by all. So as I said yesterday, my friends, you define me, and quite clearly empower me too. Thank you, sincerely.

So I mention clarity being found, so let me explain. In the midst of all the confusion with everything going on yesterday, the fog almost began to clear. Shortly after getting all that off my chest, I started thinking. Thinking about decisions I need to make, corners I need to turn, life passengers I need to drop off, and most importantly seeing a path starting to appear to the road ahead. While I am not going to leap into anything, and heed the wise words of Lisa (thanks luv) to take baby steps, seeing a way out from the fog is such a positive step for me right now.

Yesterday afternoon a number of things seemed SO serious, and left me in confusion. However if I think about those things now, my reaction is more 'oh that, oh well' Have I spent hours thinking things through, working out plans of how to cope with them? No, not at all in fact. A few brief phonecalls (thank you Noel) and a good night sleep has done the trick really. By late yesterday afternoon despair had been replaced with disregard, and rather than dwelling on things, I was happy to leave them to play themselves out, and have confidence that no matter how messy the outcome, my decisions are good, and from the heart.

By about 3pm yesterday I found myself back to 'bonding' with mum again. Having relaxed conversations with her, tending to her needs with a renewed sense of compassion, rather than a tired sense of duty. Maybe we were both having a good day, or maybe I just feel fresher recently. Peoples calming nature rubbing off on me, a break from the situation, fresh thoughts, and rest! So after lots of talking and making sure she had everything she needed, I decided to give the dogs an extra walk. Usually I walk the dogs for 60-90 mins at a time, and while people say fresh air does you good, and clears the mind.... Au contrair mon ami. For me walking just opens up the pandora's box of troubles and woes. The entire walk will be spent in silent dialogue with myself, running and re-running scenarios in my mind until I am 10% madder than I was before leaving home.
But again, yesterday was different. Reflection of a different kind was allowed for, and I spent a pleasant hour and a half walking with relaxed dogs, thinking about days gone by. Distant memories, and newly made ones too. Allowing them to influence my feelings and emotions. While all the time suddenly appreciating them for their full value. Realising how truly blessed I am to have certain people around me, gifted with a wealth of experience, or a plethora of blissful ignorance to the problems I face in life.

You might be able to tell by now, given the choice of words, the difference in tone, and maybe a slight element of positivity, that things today feel a world apart from yesterday. I find myself joking with people, engaging in conversation I would normally shy from, and daring to look a decision straight in the eye. Heck, I can even remember all the bills I have forgotten to pay this week while my head has been in a dark place. For me that's HUGE!

So now to turn it around. Yesterdays responses of all mediums were emotive to say the least, but some seemed to share a common ground. Maybe I gave the impression that my life is full and that coping with any more emotions, regardless of their relation to me is impossible. But no I say, the inn keeper says there IS room here, and other peoples worries, gripes, anguish and upsets actually keep my fire burning. You see, the same way reading this all is making an element of sense to some of you, relating to it, learning from it and even growing from it, well the same applies to me.
I have spent my life helping people, and I say that in the most humble of ways. Always honoured to have been trusted with the closeness and letting them feel they can confide in me. From people I have just met, to age old friends. I seem to be the person people can reach out to, who people bounce their ideas off, and ultimatly the person who's opinion counts, and seemingly influence decisions and outcomes of all sorts of situations. Having shared so many of peoples experiences, having learned so much about the complexities of human emotion, I find myself able to make a certain amount of sense of it all, then pass this on to the next person who seeks light on their path. Mixed with the experiences of my own complex life, the words spoken to the person seems to strike a key, hit common ground, and usually they too find clarity in all their confusion.
So to all who have trusted me, felt they could confide in me, and sought my time over the years, you have NOT been a burden, you have not tired me. In fact you have empowered me to help others. So you are each responsible for each others clarity, rather than in some sort of debt to me for my time and words. I am a mere vessel to pass on your stories.

So please, don't shy away from me at this time. Knowledge is power for me. Empower me with all you have, and allow me to do what I do best (I think)

I really do hope that some of the words I have written in the past couple of days have had some sort of impact with others. Like the book I wrote a number of years back, the whole idea of this blog is not only to empty my mind, and try and make sense of it all, but also to share these experiences with others, in the hope that it will make sense to just one person out there who is going through similar times. And in turn bring them a renewed sense of hope, strength and the drive to keep going. If it does that, every minute spent, every word typed becomes priceless to me.

Thank you again for reading another epic entry, and for the strength you give me.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

The past 24 hours have been a proper pain in the arse to say the least, with gauntlets laid down, irritations, and mental challenges all thrown in for good measure. Not really sure where to start on this one.

So the conversation with work yesterday, there is a starting point. Not exactly how I wanted things to go, but how I was expecting them to turn all the same. Its all getting a bit messy now, and having slept on the conversation for a night, I have to say I'm feeling a little cornered right now. I totally understand that its not a charity, and they can't just support me while I am off with the stresses of mum being ill. But at the same time, as much as I have tried, it is impossible for me to find the right words to convey to them how I am feeling right now. I think I will try a little later in this entry.

So currently I have a bitter taste in my mouth, and am back to being concerned about what is going to happen next.

Then there is mum. Past couple of days have seen a steady decline in her condition, now becoming very weak and shaky. Thankfully I have to day (I think), for once its not due to her neglecting herself. Her food intake is as good as it can be, she is drinking much better than before, and taking her tablets like a good girl. But the simple fact is, she is just not improving this time around. Her weightloss is noticeable now in her arms and legs too.

She has not really been out of bed much in the past 72 hours, just toilet and ciggy breaks. But even those are now short and quick. Rarely venturing to the kitchen for food or drink. So I am spending much more time popping into see her and check all is well. When I went to see her before the carer arrived this morning she was laying there gasping for a drink but didn't want to bother me by asking. Lol I really can't find a balance here, is it just me being awkward?

So, what else is there? Oh well there is my intake of food, that's taken a bit of a battering in the past 48 hours too, slowly recovering from that, but feeling heavy and slow right now. Might try and walk the dogs an extra time today just to get motivated again, and get some time out from being stuck indoors on a sunny day.

Rent, that's just gone up a fiver a week. Just what I needed, just as I'm cutting back and prices go up, just my luck.

One thing times like this DO do well are show you how lucky or unlucky as the case may be regarding your choice of friends and company. Me, well it appears I chose well, and am also blessed with an amazing group of friends and "supporters" (helpers not fans lol). From bouncing ideas off, to helping with practical things with mum and life in general. From just chatting casually to at all random hours of day and night, to deep meaningful conversations, with exchanges of emotion and sentiment. Being able to do all of these things is an amazing gift, and something I feel truly blessed for. So to all of you, if you just read my babbling on here, or if you contribute to conversations. In fact anything you do relating to my life.... Thank you, I'm blessed to have you.

Ok, from a rant to a ramble...
This is an attempt at a "from the heart" segment for once. Ok the whole blog is from the heart, but I'm digging deep here.....
I want to take a moment to reflect, clarify and share with you what my heart and mind are feeling and doing right now. These are emotions and feelings that I try to suppress in order to keep functioning, but at times like this I feel I need to acknowledge them.
Every day I wake up in the knowledge that the closest living person to me is slipping away. Slowly, and in pain, her time with me, our shared life together becomes shorter and shorter. No-one can say how much time we have left together, like waiting for a train to arrive at a lonely desolate station, time has no bearing on the matter. The only thing we know for sure is it will arrive eventually. So we treat each moment like the last, and make precious memories for me to carry forwards with me.

But in amongst all this pure heartfelt emotion, there is confusion. While we are related at the closest possible level, I have to behave like a professional individual with no emotional investment in the "patient". Acting as an almost sole carer, I have to be her friend, her supporter, and at times her worst enemy. All in order to try and make the best decisions I can for her health and well being. Whilst at the same time respecting her wishes that I am all too familiar with. And it is this role I play that I feel I have yet to explain. I have never yet found the right words to convey the emotions invoked by playing this solitary role.
Isolation, hatred, exclusion to name but a few, these are the emotions that I deal with over the course of a week. Calling doctors out against her will, only to be moaned at but never thanked once she feels better. Sourcing and preparing food for her, never the right thing, never what she wants, and always making her feel sick, yet never being acknowledged for keeping her alive. Making arrangements for treatment, help and conversing with the hospice, care agency etc to make changes to suit her need. However always managing to be the one to blame for everything that happens, and being responsible for every persons actions.

Self pity I hear you say, and to a degree you are probably right, but somehow I can't help but feel there is imbalance there too. How can someone with so much emotional investment possibly play such a role? I know there are thousands in the same situation as me, and I don't claim to be in any way unique, but instead I am writing this to reach out and to empathise with those going through it, as well as trying to explain to anyone and everyone around me, what I am going through.
Have I not been myself, have I forgotten to say thank you or show I care about you. If so, I am sorry, and know that I take nothing for granted. Each word spoken, each thought shared, every act of physical contact is all appreciated, and noted. So I take this moment to say to you all, yet with true sincerity, thank you for being who you are, and helping me along this journey. Together we are all caring for my mum, and without your support I would be useless.

But please don't leave my side right now, as the journey is not over. Confusion, distress, and a whole pool of emotion and stress lays ahead of me. Share with me your thoughts too, so I can help you as you help me, so I can support you in your time of need. As my duty as a friend, and as a distraction from my own reality, I always have time to care for and share with others.

My mind is in turmoil yet my face and spoken words say otherwise. So please take this message as the complete truth, and an insight into the deepest most secret parts of my heart.

Thank you for reading all this, I know its gone on, but as I have written, I have felt stress draining from me, and my thoughts have cleared a little.

Some difficult choice lay ahead, but with this new found clarity, I know I can make the right decisions. People may be upset by them, but I will stand by my decisions with the full confidence that I made them in sound mind.

Without you, there would be only an empty me. Thank you for defining me.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Of sorts at least. But thinking and speaking out loud, reasoning and rationalising things (as I do), don't you find that when someone "threatens" you, or gives an ultimatum, you are actually LESS likely to comply?

Maybe its just me, maybe you are the same, but for me, having something harsh said to me just gets my back up, and my defences up, and any good intentions I have towards them go straight out the window.

In this situation its one of those matters of morals vs marbles, and for me morals win hands down. Commitment for me is a serious thing, and being asked to compromise my decision making for the sake of appeasing someone does not come easy. Let alone the fact that it offends me that I am being asked to make such an irrational decision, so say something I am not sure about.

So what about you? If someone takes a fluid situation, and almost unlawfully tries to make it become solid, what would you do? Would you aim to please them, or would you stick to your guns, and choose not to make an ill informed decision?

So late at night, so many decisions. I think on this occasion I will use the power of BBM to seek the answers I am looking for. But if you have an opinion, or want to get involved, just comment or mail me and I will bring you up to speed.

Those of you on BBM, watch for a broadcast coming your way soon.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

...so let's get started.
First up, apologies to anyone who may have been blinded or had their sight damaged by the recent change in font. Allow me to explain my insanity and justify my stupidity in choice of font. iPad!
Ok moving on.
Alright seriously though, I changed the template using the ipad and didn't realise how limited it was at displaying fonts. Needless to say, it looked fine to me, but was hideous when viewed from other devices (inc my Blackberry) Nice one Apple!

Next up, Elloooo Kimmy. Was lovely to see you yesterday, and nice to see you in such good spirits. My apologies for the random rambling and boring convo. I was slightly tired and braindead lol.

Cadell, great to see you too, and was nice to chill with you. Archie is an absolute blinding kid, and you are a fantastic mum, as well as a fun person too 🙂 Thanks for the time you took helping me to rest and relax, and I look forwards to seeing you again some time. Domino's mmmmm!

Me, well I'm feeling blergh today, probably due to a 3am breakfast of cold pizza and Haribo Tangfastic, in order to keep me going for the journey back to London. Speaking of which, having driven to the Midlands at 2am, and home at 3am, I don't know that I ever want to drive on the M1 at any other time of day now. Even the 50mph limits are fine when there are so few cars on the road. Sailing past lorries is a good pass time, and feels like you are going faster. Cruise set to 70mph, and turning the wheel, that's what its all about!

Total of 500 miles, visiting Derby, Droitwich and Birmingham along the way, getting very little sleep, but had a great time, a respite break was indeed needed. But not exactly as planned.

I arrived in the Mids at about 5am, but by the time the clock hit 8 I was getting texts from my sister to say mum had taken a turn. Lots of confusion and indecision later, and I decided to stick to schedule and head to see Kim. All the while getting updates on what could and could not be sorted, the doctor was coming etc. Eventually I called mum and spoke with her to get her side of the story. Satisfied with what she told me, my mind was at rest a little more. Which is strange for me, taking mums word on something lol. So anyway, the day continued.

On finishing up at the hospital Kim asked if I could take Chris and Livvy home, which of course was fine. So we headed over to Droitwich. Then back to Derby to pick poor lil Archie up from nursery. Jabs and a nasty cough, but still managing to smile, turn the volume up in the car and have a little rave lol.

The end of a long day was fast approaching. (Sadly the same can't be said for this blog entry)

So deciding that with the crap intake of food and drink the only answer was Domino's, food was sourced, and much eating took place.

Asda seemed to be the place to buy anything and everything on this trip. Popping in for a tshirt, I walked out with a "Plushy" (bath mat) a new Superman hoodie (most appropriate) food, drinks, oh and the said tshirt. Returning later I got deodorant, yum-yums and lots of junk food to keep me going. I'm paying for that decision today though.

On finally getting home at about 5.30am this morning I was greeted by 2 excited dogs. More excited than they have been for a long time. The fun ended there as I walked in the kitchen and saw the jobs that lay ahead of me. Apparently breaking the routine and leaving for a single day comes with a price tag. Awaiting me was cleaning up, arranging of new medications and a few other things I needed to do in order to relax enough to sleep.
With the few hours of broken sleep I had had, concentration was in short supply, but I think I got the meds right lol

With the mentioned lack of sleep not being helped by being restless, its probably not a surprise to hear I have still not had much. I'm trying to run myself out of energy, but as I'm on emergency backup power, its all taking some time. I think finally walking the dogs will be my breaking point, and that should be soon, but before that I'm waiting on a phonecall.

The phonecall will be from work (planned) to discuss my situation with them. And with the situation with mum being so fluid, its really hard to know what to say. Add that to a tired, fried brain, and this conversation could get messy.
It seems that each time we plan to get together for a talk, something happens which reaffirms my situation. Like perhaps yesterday! Lol. In fairness though the past few weeks have been a bumpy road with mum being ill, so its been good to be here to support her and get her help. Long story short, I think I will be getting signed off again, which sadly for me means going to 50% pay now, and letting work down even more. But I can't choose or control what happens with mum, I can only play the hand I am dealt.

So, that's me for now, if you have read this far, message me your name and address and I will send you a prize for bothering to keep reading. I'm bored writing it, and they are my thoughts and experiences.

This afternoon I will walk the dogs, do my chores and try and stay awake til a normal time tonight. Walk the dogs later then the sleep will begin.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Yup while adding some keywords to my entries I thought it was time to change the look again. As relaxing as the fish at the top were, the are useless if you are using a device which doesn't display Flash, like many Apple viewers ( as I do from time to time on my iPad)

So I hope it's a little easier on the eye, fonts have been changed a little too.
Comments welcomed. As if!