Snazy

A quick pic of my Aunt 🙂 yay

Regards

Michael

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My brain has now officially overheated. Time-out

Regards

Michael

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Cor blimey its been a while since I did anything like that, a conversation of such depths with someone. I have done counselling, and 'heart to hearts' but nothing quite as deep and personal as I have just been with my ickle friend Kim.

And you know what, it feels bloody good to have someone tap into you for a while and drain off some of the excess pressure life loads on you. I never thought I would be talking apocalypse with Kim, let alone climate change. Sex, well duh yeah, obviously, this IS Kim after all lol (sorry hun x)

It wasn't my intention to go there and babble on for hours, or even talk about me really, ok maybe a little. But given how our conversations have always evolved, I guess it was inevitable.

Its strange to try and explain your life choices at times. To yourself they seem and sound so simple, but when you try and explain things, until a parallel can be drawn it is hard to make sense of them yourself for a while, let alone help someone else understand where your decision came from. Especially on the scale we are talking here.

Taking an unplanned time out today (not gonna explain lol) I am just mulling over what has been discussed today, letting the topics soak in. Considering advice given and received, and trying to fit everything back together. Its a bit like having a jigsaw with alternative pieces. For a while you have to take pieces out, leaving the picture incomplete, and for a while it seems confusing. But then you decided if you want to keep the originals or replace with the new pieces (opinions, beliefs, understandings) and put it all back together again. And that's what I'm doing now.
Making my pictures up again, and standing afar to see if I like what I see. And so far I do.

I am not fixed in my ways and am always willing to take on board peoples opinions. Today I don't think my opinions of any of my things have changed as such, but maybe perception has shifted slightly. Talking about things face to face has that effect on me, and I dig deeper to resolve situations, answer questions etc.

Having made some strange decisions recently (for me anyway) I have tossed them around in my head for quite a bit. Happy with them, just not quite understanding how I made the decisions. But now I seem to see things a little better, so thank you Kimberley :op

Blimey, all that talking, thinking and typing has made me rather tired... I need a nap now.

Make the most of a lovely warm day people.

Regards

Michael

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Isn't that the name of that stupid game in which you live out a different existence, with an alter ego, in a world of fantasy? Something like that anyway. Well in certain walks of life this kind of life really exists, and here I am to prove it.

Putting my weekday life behind me, I packed a little bag up last night, went through my contacts, and decided who I would like to see, and more importantly who would like to see me. (Much shorter list, trust me!) After a bit of rest I hit the road, and here I am, 6.30am in Droitwich, waiting for the Moult household to awaken, to see Kim, Chris and Livvy. This was a bit of a last minute change of plan really, but Kim knows that, and still thinks I'm insane for coming up.

However sometimes conversations are best had face to face, and that's what this weekend is all about for me really. Not sure how many other house calls I will get to make along the way, but each one in my mind requires a certain level of depth, and some person on person time, rather than phone calls and messages to try and get something across. Face to face is sincerity to me, and when it comes to the heart, I only do sincere.

I bet when you first started to read alter ego and fantasy you were waiting for something really wow and revealing, but sadly there is nothing there which I'm going to be sharing anytime soon.

So the second life, my "weekend life" so to speak is all about reaching out to others. Helping and being helped to deal with all sorts of problems, dilemmas, and really just about being sociable and caring towards those I care about. Communication is key, and to have actual one to one time with any of the people I may see this weekend is something special. From my perspective I have a lot on my plate, or plates should I say, and each person I hope to see is perfect for taking one thing off a plate.

To break away from the routine, to escape from reality for a while, to exist in a different way is where Cadell and Archie come into things. A million miles from the life I live right now, yet so refreshing to be there, and forget the illness, and other worries that blights day to day life.
To talk about my deepest fears and "secrets" even though I don't consider myself to have secrets, that's what seeing Kim is to me. A deep connection, a trust that has never faded, and a sense of responsibility to her is what talking to Kim gives me. For years we have talked about anything and everything in either one of our lives, and found peace in sharing our thoughts with one another.

My aunt who I hope to get over to, well that hardly needs explaining really. A big part of my childhood, who I distanced myself from in young adult life, and now realise the errors of my ways, and am trying to now play a big a part as possible in her life as she battles with cancer. We have the most varied conversations, remembering things from my childhood, talking about world events, and of course discussing mum. Time passes so quickly with Joan it is unreal. Best of all it allows me to communicate in such a pure and un impressionable way, not needing to project an ego or personality, I can just be plain old me.

So the time is passing on, the calling of a McDonalds breakfast gets louder, having not eaten since lunchtime yesterday. Making plans sucks lol, never quite works out, and its only at 7am you start to remember what you missed out the day previous. The sun is rising, birds are starting to sing, and the dawn of a new day is upon us. What will this day actually bring by its end, time will reveal all I guess.

So that's me for now, a little weary from the drive, but enjoyed the scenery and different roads, and contemplating filling myself with the evil that is McDonalds.

Hope you have a great day, watch out for updates if I have unexpected free time later.

Regards

Michael

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Just when you think that you are in the worst position possible, just when you think life is a complete pain in the arse, something happens to make you re-think things, and puts you in your humble little place in the grand scheme of things.

Today I refer to the massive earthquake which has hit Japan this morning. An 8.9 triggering a tsunami too. Fires blazing, areas flooded, and now the tsunami is heading for distant shores of other countries. I know everyone does the whole "thinking of you" thing, and most say it as matter of course, with no sincerity. But having someone out there that you care about changes everything. One person in the millions affected, but none the less it draws you so much closer.

Thankfully, with the wonder of the internet and Facebook and I already know young Naruto is alive and well, and unsurprisingly being his usual superhuman upbeat self about it all. I must confess, to be near something so substantial, such a massive display of mother nature IS exciting. Taking all of mans creations and hard work, and throwing it all around like a child having a tantrum with a Lego town. As I say, humbling.

In my own weird and twisted way I still want to experience a tornado from as close as safely possible. Each time I see something like this, its like pressing a reset button. No matter how far ahead of myself I have run, regardless of great I think I am, a natural disaster puts me in my place, and reminds me I am nothing more than a speck of dust.

As I write, news is coming in of another large after shock, so again wishing all well.

This morning (UK time) is going to be one hell of a time for the Pacific, so I hope regardless of what fury mother nature unleashes, the loss of life is as tiny as possible. Can't help but think the LPG refinery is gonna go bang in a big way soon.

Regards

Michael

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My mind is telling my body to do this. Weird time of day to have a thought like this I know, and the quality of this entry will be poor. But as I lay here awake at this ungodly hour, my mind in thinking about escape.

I guess I have grown too accustomed to upping and running recently, but its such a great feeling to get away from it all for a while, who in their right mind would not want to do that. Respite, care break, escape, call it what you may, but I'm addicted now to that new found feeling of freedom that I get.

The weekend is fast approaching, the opportunity to go "on tour" and see a few faces, who will bring a smile back to my face from deep within, is almost too much to resist. So if you are free, and I can get to you, maybe its your door I will be knocking on 🙂

Sorry, this is a bit of a random ramble, but just wanted to say, I miss my escape right now.

Regards

Michael

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Chemical or metaphoric, both make one hell of a difference. But there is a price to be paid for either. I have been taking an anti depressant for a few months now, and all seemed under control, days were somewhat more bearable, and the stress levels felt under control. But the price for using these is that the mind becomes a little numb. The best example of what I mean is writing this. Yesterday and days previous my heart and mind spoke clearly, and writing just flowed, but today, its foggy, and finding the right words is more of an effort. (Might be noticable just from reading, I don't know)

Then there is the other kind of 'drug'. Drug being a metaphor for something else, or someone else. Replacing the chemicals in the drugs with something else which causes the same effect is a positive thing for sure. The drugs I use assist with the release of Serotonin in the brain. The stuff that makes you happy and relaxed. But if you can find an escape from what is bringing you down, then maybe, just maybe the brain can produce this on its own. And it has been.

So managing to escape the daily grind a few times recently, it has been refreshing to say the least. But the result of this was such a natural high, I took a chance and stopped taking the medication. And all was well. Well in past tense you may notice. You see the problem is, its all very well having a replacement 'drug', but if there is a break in the supply, then its not really sensible to swap over. Feeling this good naturally, I won't deny it has been a great feeling, but at the end of the day, popping a pill out of a packet daily, to protect yourself from bombing out and crashing to the ground is the safer and easier option.

So the upsides to pills are its easy to take, regular, and effective. And the upsides to the alternative... Well its natural, allows clarity, and feels fantastic. But there are downsides too. Pills make my mind foggy, leave you not knowing what a good and bad day really feel like, and dependency becomes a worry. The downsides to the alternative, well addiction is definatly the biggest problem there, and the problem that causes is lack of supply. Without the escape there is no good feeling, and with no good feeling comes the inevitable crash... Which happened last night.

After a conflicting day, with no upper so to speak, by the evening with more and more stress building, I reached sulking point. And I mean that quite literally. The point where my mind doesn't want to bother trying anymore, and suddenly I physically feel myself going inward. Backing away from anything. It was feeling like that, and remembering why I use the meds that has been the lesson for me.

Yesterday I felt the same way I have felt for months previous to starting the pills, but thankfully for just one evening. Its almost like peering into someone elses life, and feeling their despair and helplessness, then with the click of your heals, being able to escape it all back to relative safety.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my "self pity call" last night and get me back in the safe place.

Today, I shall try harder.

Regards

Michael

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Its not like I have timed it this way, or that I have saved spot 200 for something substantial. But its how these things pan out. Having whined for the past few days about some pretty insignificant things, I have just heard from someone who is treading a similar path to my own, and its not great news.

A short while ago I received news through my beloved BBM from a guy who is watching/ supporting his mother through cancer also, and sadly their news is less joyful than some I have heard recently. Having been what seems recently diagnosed with cancer (prob some 6 months or more in reality). Sadly her progress appears to have been somewhat more rapid.

Her condition has worsened now. So from giving advice and talking about what to possibly to expect, suddenly Nick is the one in territory unfamiliar to me.

For the first time in a while I am somewhat lost for words I have to say. Today really seems to have spiralled downwards from the start, and now I honestly feel myself reaching for the tablet packet once again, worried that my mindset will again get a little out of control.

How selfish this sounds, starting an entry about someone suffering, and ending worrying about myself, but suddenly my eyes are wide open to how fluid life really is, and how much can change in such a short space in time. Like the change of a tide, suddenly the water is rising and panic is setting in again.

My thoughts are with you all, I dedicate this to Nick and his family.

Regards

Michael

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Life is never really as simple as it seems. While travelling in a straight line it seems obvious what we are heading towards, but then we reach a bend in the road, and the view of the horizon changes, the end of the road becomes uncertain, and we are once again left wondering where this journey is really taking us.

So many examples of this exist, in our work and private lives. A promotion at work seems a dead cert, until a new person starts, strolls straight in and takes up the promotion from under you. A relationship can seem fine, then the horizon changes, the vision of the future changes and bang, you are on your arse wondering what the heck just happened.

I guess one of the problems is the word "plan". A word I have tried to avoid for years now as it seems whenever you plan something, officially, you crash and burn. While if you quietly hope for something, everything seems to pan out just fine.

The solution, well its not to plan of course, and just to watch the road just ahead of you, not assume anything, and just wait and see what you arrive at when you reach the next junction.

For me recently, the road ahead has not only been bumpy, but also like a winding country road, nothing ahead has been clear for more than 50 metres. So its time to apply the brakes, maybe even pull over in a layby and check the ancient roadmap of life and see if I am still on the right road, or if I took a wrong turn somewhere along the way.

I'm sure I'm not far from the right place to be fair, but better to be safe than sorry I think.

Life eh. Never a bore, always a challenge. But you know what its like, sometimes you find a new road, a new route, and it becomes that guilty pleasure where every once in a while you can take it, be a little crazy, let your hair down, and be a kid all over again.

This random ramble was brought to you by a 2001 AA Road Map.

Regards

Michael

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Or the next step of sheer stupidity? Just writing this alone kind of suggests the latter, however I am compelled to follow the advice of the professionals, rather than relying on guess work and suggestions from untrained individuals.

Yesterday I went to see my GP to review my situation, and the outcome was not good. Ok I should rephrase that, its not that anything has got worse, but the decision that I was hoping to hear, and work have been very keen to hear, did not happen. He has decided that I am still in no mental state to take on the responsibility of work, and decided to sign me off for a further six weeks. He was also keen to impress that the reason for signing me off was for anxiety and stress, and not so I can look after my mother. He feels that the reasoning has become blurred recently and wanted to make sure everyone involved knew why I was off and were not making their own reasons up.

I am sure that this is now going to have serious implications with work now. It has already been expressed that this can't go on, and that some commitment is needed from me to allow them to maintain a working relationship with me, which I think I understand fully, and of course appreciate their predicament. However I cannot just snap my fingers and make all the worry go away.

A couple of recent breaks from home have helped me see just how much I stress about things in day to day life. And an outburst at a neighbour the other day demonstrated to me just how fragile the balance with me really is right now.

I am not sure how I feel right now about matters. Knowing my full sick pay has run out, and drops to 50% now, feeling like people are conspiring against me (strong words I know) to uproot me from work, wondering what the next step is regarding work, will I be dismissed etc? And of course worrying about how I will cope if the dynamics should change so much and so quickly. Not exactly the sorts of things that make me feel any better, or help recovery from this all, but realities that need facing when I can.

Something tells me this whole thing is about to pick up speed in a whole new direction very soon. I just hope the world is ready for it.

Regards

Michael

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