Skip to content

Published on Leave a comment on The week of food ahead.

Thank you once again to the wonderful world of Protikee, aka The Kee Diet, for their supplies package which arrived prompt this morning. Packed full of both my favourites and some new bits to try during the week ahead. Including a couple of packs of their new Maltester style snacks, gratis for my birthday (thanks guys)

Now I am around my goal weight, its more about maintaining and adjusting to my new intake. With a variety of Total loss, and weight control products this week, some new flavours of bars included in the line-up. This weeks plan is maybe a shake in the morning, along with my usual 2-3 pints of fluids. Some chicken breast for lunch (a £5 frozen roast joint from Tesco lasts 5 days), some porridge early evening, and then a bar or hot chocolate at night. Bars are also there for snacks if needed throughout the day, due to the amount of activity walking the dogs etc.

I have to say, after yesterdays birthday blowout, I have never been happier to be back on meal replacements. Going back to food reminds me how much slower you feel while digesting a meal etc. So I think I have found a happy medium with the mix of Kee and foods. Just got to keep the ideas fresh now.

So this is me saying urrrgh to over rated heavy food, and yay to nice light on the stomach stuff. Chicken and porridge rock!
Regards
Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Published on Leave a comment on Wow this is SO much fun!

The ambulance crews (yes 2 of them) spent the best part of 2 hours with mum. Talking to her, testing her, finding thingd wrong with her etc, and everything points to a trip to the hospital.
As soon as it was mentioned, the defences went up and the arguing started. Refusal to go to Lewisham hospital, they treat her like a prisoner and she is not going there.
A rethink and how about St Thomas's. No, their patient transport there is shocking and she is not going there. The list carried on, Kings College, Guys, but no no no.
Eventually they suggested taking her to St Christophers Hospice, amazing treatment and care etc, but shock horror, NO!
Apparently her visit there last week was very bad, she could not stand the noise there and now doesn't like it.

So after an almost 2 hour stand-off they finally had to offer her the "I don't want your help" form, which she signed quite happily.

So she is left with, a urine infection, severe dehydration, an irregular heart, no appetite, no strength and no will to go on.

The GP called shortly after they left and bluntly (as he usually is) asked did she not care about the impact she was having on others, she screamed down the phone at him that she was sick and tired of caring what other people wanted, and was doing what she wanted now, and that was doing nothing, and being left to do her own thing and slip away.

Problem with that is, none of the conditions from the symptoms she is displaying are related to the cancer, so it unlikely that "this is it" at all. So instead she is committing to lots of pain and discomfort, weakness and less dependency, and infection spreading to her kidneys. Which she will no doubt say the cancer is spreading to too.

So here I am, at home, on my birthday, 3 years to the day this journey begun, wondering what I am supposed to do. I will admit I am feeling VERY resentful right now. Disappointed that mum is doing this to herself, and feeling its fair on everyone else around her to be left to cope with this.

When my sister asked earlier if she had wished me happy birthday she just grunted "NO!".

Its not about my birthday really, its about her lack of comprehension of how this impacts me and my sister. Mum doesn't want to talk to me at the moment (in the devil), hung up on the doctor, but is nice as pie to my sister, laughing and joking with her.

Oh well, I guess I better get back on track, I was meant to be having celebration pizza today, but for some reason have lost my appetite!

Thanks for reading
Regards
Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Published on Leave a comment on Another typical birthday begins….

And this year, it starts with an ambulance.

Mum has been unwell and a bit unwilling for the past 24 hours, but this morning is refusing to get out of bed, to take food or drink, or even her medication.

The carer called me in this morning to say how she had found mum, and on speaking to the GP he informed a home visit was not worth while, and he would send an ambulance for her.

Feels her general condition warrants a trip to the hospital to check her over and see what they can do for her.

All feels rather normal to me these days, less adrenalin pumping round the old body, even though I know an ambulance is coming for mum. How am I writing this you ask, should I not be doing something else?

Well the doctor has advised its a non priority 1 hour call for the ambulance, and in my judgement, given how she will respond on their arrival, especially to me, its better I stay out of the way for now.

I am expecting them to advise that she is dehydrated, and a little malnourished, as for what any other tests might show, that's hard to know, but I'm sure time will tell.

So here goes, waiting on the ambulance and what she says to them now. If she refuses to go with them, this is going to be one hell of a day. And if she does go with them, who knows what to expect.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Published on Leave a comment on “I give up”

Ok so today is "I give up" day, mum not me.
Since the other day with the change of colour of one of her meds she has become more and more determined to do things her way. Refusing to take the yellow pill now, so I have changed it with the few remaining ones of the other colour until I can see the GP about it, and now eating less and less.

Needless to say it is frustrating as hell to sit back and watch someone slowly starve themselves, as well as have such a low intake of fluids.

To me, another stay in hospital is on the cards, but if course she can refuse that too.

She said in short to my sister today that she is fed up of it all now and just wants to give up. Which is fine if that's what she really wants. But there is a right and wrong way to do it, and right now, it's the wrong way of doing it.

On top of all this, her interest towards her sleeping tablets is a worry too. Complaining that I won't let her keep the entire pack of 28 in her room. My reasoning to her for this is the kids. All she has to do is drop one, or the pack, and one of the little ones could be enticed by their pretty blue colour and down some.
Obviously I have a dual agenda, and my other concern is, with no one about, on a bad night she could decide to take more than she should. For obvious reasons I want to minimise this risk.

One way or the other I am going to have to speak to the GP and the hospice in the morning and try and get some advice and some hands on help with all this, as it is rapidly becoming more than I can deal with.

I can't imagine how it feels to be going down hill, knowing you are terminally ill, and at any time there may be a droip off point. But at the same time I can't imagine not trying everything possible to stay on to of my game too. Maybe its because I am not in that position, maybe we have different mindsets or something, but I can't figure it out.

There have been numerous "false alarms" along the way with her getting ill over something totally unrelated, and we go to the hospital, she stays in, gets hydrated and comes home much better. But this time the train of thought is on another route. Fighting help, refusing to discuss, and turning away almost anything offered to make life a little easier.

Needless to say, that just makes my life harder. I know, I know, poor me, but I'm not the one dying right. Nope, you are of course right. Instead I'm the one feeling shitty about being off work for so long, wondering what is being said about me, on medication so I can think straight and life a "normal" life, and be there for my mum while she wastes away right under my nose. What would I know, right!

Ok rant over. Here's to hoping that I can get some help from the GP and hospice with this tomorrow.
Tomorrow, my 38th birthday, and 3 years to the day that I ran around like a crazy man trying to get a doctor to see my mum who had just admitted to me she thought she had breast cancer.

Birthdays are great eh!

Tense times ahead I fear, but time will tell.

Regards
Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Published on Leave a comment on Getting there.

Yesterdays weigh in saw another good weekly loss, another 4lbs gone, in 6 days. That's allowing for a chinese treat meal the previous Saturday, and slightly reduced exercise this week due to appointments, weather etc. As well as the reintroduction of food this week, turkey, bacon etc.

So I'm a happy man. I'm now in my comfort zone, so losing a few more lbs won't hurt, but if the loss slows right down, no bother.

Well as its my birthday tomorrow, I have decided for a treat. Pizza! If I can still lose a lb or 2 by the weekend, bonus. If not, I will still be happy 🙂

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Published on Leave a comment on The wrong colour!

Following on from the past few days of negative behaviour from mum, I have to say no real improvement today. In fact if anything she is getting worse.
As some of the more frequent drug takers might know, the same drug from a different distributor can be a different colour. On this occasion it is an anti sickness tablet to help with excess acid, and indigestion.
This afternoon I asked how mum was and she said still feeling sick and poorly.
At lunch time while making my lunch I noticed all her meds for today were still there, so I asked if she was going to take them.
First off she said she was sick of taking tablets at all now, and was fed up of them all. Then she said she was not taking the yellow one. Insisting it had made her ill the day before and she didn't want to feel like that again.
I tried to explain to her that it was the same as the blue/white one, but was from another supplier. She still refused to take it. She grew angry about me challenging her, so instead I ended up having to open a different packet and give her a different coloured one. Which she took reluctantly.

So today, she feels weak, has a headache, says she feels sick but has had Bovril and 2 bowls of cornflakes, and some tea. So sick or not she is getting food and drink in her.

Problem is, with issues like this coming up more and more frequently, I have to ask the question. Is she genuinely tired and fed up of it all (understandably) or is she progressing to the early stages of confusion now.

With the recent behaviour I am starting to think more confusion than anything else. Blaming pills for making her ill, refusing to eat certain things, claiming people are not doing things they are meant to etc.

She complained earlier that the new carer had not made her bed for her. I asked mum if she had asked the carer to, and all I got back was a dirty look and the reply that she didn't notice in time. She did however comment earlier that the carer had nothing to do.

Time to talk to the GP again I think, appointment asap.
I feel my stress levels rising again.


Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Published on Leave a comment on Testing, testing…

My patience that is.
It seems that whatever is suggested or offered to mum recently is wrong. The hearing aid was not as promised, the nurses at St Christophers are getting on mums nerves, she is sick of the doctor mentioning anxiety, the new carer is no good as she doesn't understand what mum wants, and my sister should not come around daily but believe text updates from mum.... All of these are of course mums perceptions of how things are.

In reality, but without wishing to sound harsh, she just seems a little unwilling and ungrateful right now. With help being offered at every turn and dip in the road, I personally feel humbled by how much is being done by both the NHS and the hospice to help with mums comfort and condition.

Anxiety IS an issue, and the more you step back and look in, you can see how some of these mood swings and outbursts are driven by the anxiety she is feeling. And before you say it, yes, of course I can understand the feeling of anxiety in all this. Difference is, I am accepting medication to try and help with my anxiety, caused by dealing with the stresses of mums anxiety. She of course finds it amusing that I am in fact taking medication for her. If I wasn't, I honestly think I would be close to giving up right now.

Today, following on from yesterday, the carer situation has once again changed.
Meeting the new carer yesterday afternoon mum said other than some difficulty understanding the carer (middle aged indian woman), she was lovely, effective and efficient. Today however she is now useless, not going to work and can't understand a word mum is saying, let alone mum understanding her.

The old carer made her last visit this morning, and from what I understand, Sandy, the new one starts covering both visits from tomorrow. From "just hanging around passing time", we are now at "could not get out fast enough". It truly seems, like me, whatever the carers do, its wrong.
As I have mentioned before the carer has been coming an hour early recently. It started as a one off and soon became the norm. This is why I requested a change. Today, when poor Sandy said she would be here at 8 tomorrow, mum was angry with her, complaining that she was messing about and she was meant to be here for 7. Not actually the case, 8 is correct. They finally agreed 8, which is a relief to me. I then explained in private to Sandy why there was confusion. Thankfully she was fine about this.

I am really hoping that mum can get along with this carer, and all the worry and stress about her that I have can relax a little. With my sister now visiting in the afternoons too, (just started yesterday) hopefully this is the start of me getting back to work. That said, mum is already saying to my sister that it must be a terrible strain on her, and maybe she should just call or text if she needs anything. Obviously I have set my mum straight, telling her that her recent honesty issues and hiding problems meant this was not an option, and physical visits were the only way. (Harsh but fair)

OK all this thinking is giving me a headache now. The day has already been too much for me. Medication and walk the dogs time I think. Air is needed!

Thanks for reading

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®