I get so emotional....
No really, I do. For years I have been pretty numb to any sort of emotional reactions, and not cried in over 20 years now. There have been the occasional choked up or moments of feeling overwhelmed, but that is as far as it goes, or has gone anyway.
Recently, specifically since stopping the Sertraline I have become a little more reactive to things. Reading out dramatic stories, watching emotionally charged TV content etc, all leaves me feeling choked up, and dare I say, vulnerable.
Having grown up in the "man up", and "real men don't cry" era, I can't say I every really considered it a weakness, or was in any way aware of my emotions. I definitely do not ever recall being told not to cry, or feeling the need to hide my emotions. I guess it just happened. Peer pressure, society as a whole etc. That said, the only time I can actually remember feeling like I was going to cry, I just went with it. It was how I felt at the time, and better out than in as the saying goes. Not sure that is about crying, but it felt good at the time.
I have spent decades being cold and emotionally numb. Many things have happened where crying would have been natural, but it didn't happen. Instead I dealt with the formalities and moved on. Quite a few near and dear people to me have died over this time, including my mother, and I can honestly (but not proudly) say I have not shed a tear for any one of those people. I loved them to bits, but nope. just didn't happen.
Some might say that had I had an emotional reaction, maybe I would not be the mess I am today. OK that isn't fair, I am not a mess, but I certainly struggle with certain things, especially emotions.
What I mean is, some people including professionals might feel that all the emotional baggage I carry, completely unprocessed might not leave processing capacity for day to day life. A good purge might leave some space to be a more balanced person emotionally. They may have a point. It has certainly crossed my mind many times over the years.
However, maybe I am just not that person. Maybe I am just practical, and take things as they come. I do get a bit quiet and more introverted when bad things are happening emotionally, but to me that is just my process. My lack of tears in no way reflects on how I feel about people. Just the ingrained instinctual part of me takes over, and moves to the "life goes on" approach. Self preservation at its finest.
The strange part is, it feels like everything is changing now. I don't feel over emotional, nor out of control. I am just more aware of feeling choked up, having to stop what I am saying, coughing to clear the "lump in my throat" and so on. Then you have the awkwardness of not knowing what to do with the feelings. It has been so long since I have felt anything like it, NOW I feel like I am suppressing it, after all this time!
It would be fantastic to be able to just let it all go, but I can honestly say, I don't know how.
It is a weird situation to find myself in, and I really do not have a clue where I go with this. Maybe some research, but that involves reading, and I hate doing that! Maybe speak to someone about it, delve back a little further, trigger some reactions and go with the flow. I just don't know.
I am sure a few of you will have some good suggestions.
To be clear, I am not afraid or against crying. Never have been, never will be. But I have not felt the way I do for many years, and just feel a bit lost in my own head. Learning how to let it all out, be emotional, and feel a little more human would be great... I just got to figure it out.
Cue the comments lol..
Oh before I forget.. It feels like the Sertraline was a bit of a reset for me, and now I am solo again, I can connect to the long lost parts of my brain.
OK that's it this time.
Thanks for reading.