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I get so emotional.... 

No really, I do. For years I have been pretty numb to any sort of emotional reactions, and not cried in over 20 years now. There have been the occasional choked up or moments of feeling overwhelmed, but that is as far as it goes, or has gone anyway.

Recently, specifically since stopping the Sertraline I have become a little more reactive to things. Reading out dramatic stories, watching emotionally charged  TV content etc, all leaves me feeling choked up, and dare I say, vulnerable.

Having grown up in the "man up", and "real men don't cry" era, I can't say I every really considered it a weakness, or was in any way aware of my emotions. I definitely do not ever recall being told not to cry, or feeling the need to hide my emotions. I guess it just happened. Peer pressure, society as a whole etc. That said, the only time I can actually remember feeling like I was going to cry, I just went with it. It was how I felt at the time, and better out than in as the saying goes. Not sure that is about crying, but it felt good at the time. 

I have spent decades being cold and emotionally numb. Many things have happened where crying would have been natural, but it didn't happen. Instead I dealt with the formalities and moved on. Quite a few near and dear people to me have died over this time, including my mother, and I can honestly (but not proudly) say I have not shed a tear for any one of those people. I loved them to bits, but nope. just didn't happen. 

Some might say that had I had an emotional reaction, maybe I would not be the mess I am today. OK that isn't fair, I am not a mess, but I certainly struggle with certain things, especially emotions.
What I mean is, some people including professionals might feel that all the emotional baggage I carry, completely unprocessed might not leave processing capacity for day to day life. A good purge might leave some space to be a more balanced person emotionally. They may have a point. It has certainly crossed my mind many times over the years. 

However, maybe I am just not that person. Maybe I am just practical, and take things as they come. I do get a bit quiet and more introverted when bad things are happening emotionally,  but to me that is just my process. My lack of tears in no way reflects on how I feel about people. Just the ingrained instinctual part of me takes over, and moves to the "life goes on" approach. Self preservation at its finest. 

The strange part is, it feels like everything is changing now. I don't feel over emotional, nor out of control. I am just more aware of feeling choked up, having to stop what I am saying, coughing to clear the "lump in my throat" and so on. Then you have the awkwardness of not knowing what to do with the feelings. It has been so long since I have felt anything like it, NOW I feel like I am suppressing it, after all this time!
It would be fantastic to be able to just let it all go, but I can honestly say, I don't know how.

It is a weird situation to find myself in, and I really do not have a clue where I go with this. Maybe some research, but that involves reading, and I hate doing that! Maybe speak to someone about it, delve back a little further, trigger some reactions and go with the flow. I just don't know.
I am sure a few of you will have some good suggestions.

To be clear, I am not afraid or against crying. Never have been, never will be. But I have not felt the way I do for many years, and just feel a bit lost in my own head. Learning how to let it all out, be emotional, and feel a little more human would be great... I just got to figure it out. 

Cue the comments lol..

Oh before I forget.. It feels like the Sertraline was a bit of a reset for me, and now I am solo again, I can connect to the long lost parts of my brain.
OK that's it this time. 

Thanks for reading.

 



 

 

This is a bit of a strange one, but then I guess that is the running theme of a lot of my blogs, so no surprises there. 

I have recently had a couple of weeks off work, some time for myself, a break from the screen, and changing up the norm a bit for me. While I have been off, I have had somewhat of an epiphany. I am starting to reconnect with my emotions, or at least some of them. For the past heavens knows how long, I have been what I can only describe as emotionally deficient. Many things which stir an emotional reaction in most, seem to have very little effect on me.

That is not to say I am without emotion. Just a bit strange about them. The passing of a loved one for example, doesn't really get much of an emotional reaction from me. Not trying to "be the man", or somehow act brave, it just doesn't do much as far as reactions go. Sure I am sad, but tearful or visibly moved, no. 

The last time I can recall shedding a tear in the true sense of the word is probably almost 20 years ago now, and that was over a girl... I know right, sad!! lol. Just kidding, it was an emotional time, but probably my last. Floods of tears on the phone to a friend, and it felt GREAT! But after that, for some completely unknown reason, nothing!

Since then, my nan, mum, aunt, and some great friends have passed, and my reaction has been nothing but a little sadness. And yes, I have been to counselling to address this, as well as other issues in my life, but nothing has changed. We are all wired differently, and I am not saying that not being fully in touch with your emotions is a bad thing. Some could say that some people are a little too in touch, and would benefit from dialing it down a bit. 

My point here is, I know me, I know how I usually behave, or have at least behaved in the past. I was never a big cryer, but when the right time came, I was able to, and completely unafraid of crying. However for some reason it just stopped. 

Over the past six months to a year, I have found myself a little more easily choked up about things. Not necessarily about anything personal to me. Even something moving (reality) on TV, or taking about something that I am passionate about, can get me choked up now. Not exactly holding back tears, but not far from it. During the time I have had away from work, I have had more time to spend with myself, and become more aware of just how much this is happening now. There is nothing specific which triggers me, I can openly talk about losing loved ones, memories of being with them, and other personal life events. However, when something unrelated to me happens, I find myself more affected.  For reference the last time I can recall being emotional about something personal, would have been on the phone to the ambulance service for mum or something.

I have been somewhat aware of this for some time now, but having the time off to think about it more, I can't help but feel that there is a direct correlation with working from home. Without the stresses of being in the office environment, without the daily anxiety of what the coming day is going to be like, or trying to download and decompress after a long day around other people, my mind seems to have the energy to do its own thing, and be a little more normal again. Even dreams feel different. More memorable, more normal, apart from the odd bad one after over-thinking the return to the office.

It is all a bit strange, a little overwhelming, but also an absolute blessing to feel like I have a little humanity back, for the time being at least.  Some could argue it is a bad thing, my brain NOT coping with the isolation of working from home, and just getting more and more emotional about anything it can. I would have to disagree with that take on things, and say it feels like being normal me again, after a long long time, rather than something out of the ordinary, and unnatural. 

Time will tell I guess though. As the clock is now ticking down on the last known checkpoint for WFH. The start of September is the end of the extension we were given for working from home. By that time, we will have been told what is coming next, if we will remain at home in any capacity, or if we will indeed return to the normal office environment.  To say the idea of that fills me with dread and anxiety is a complete understatement right now.  At no point during Covid has it felt more likely that it is the end of the road for WFH for us. The lack of information plants dread in my mind, and the minds of others I have spoken to. 

Quite what that means for me I don't know. If the simple lack of knowing and fear we are going back has me feeling like this, heavens only knows how any confirmation of this is going to feel. I of course remain as optimistic as possible, and will try and do all I can to make the case for remaining at home. There are so many plus points really, beneficial to work. But I understand that this is not simply about me, but a whole work force, and I cannot expect to be treated differently, no matter how much I would like to be. I am probably a little more flexible and willing (desperate) than the rest, as to the lengths I would go to to protect my WFH. Buy equipment, be open to a discussion on wages, take on more responsibility to name but a few. But that is all irrelevant, as I say, we are a group not individuals. 

So, here's to enjoying my emotions while I can, and making the most of them. It's good to feel human again, even if it is short lived.