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Finding my emotions.

This is a bit of a strange one, but then I guess that is the running theme of a lot of my blogs, so no surprises there. 

I have recently had a couple of weeks off work, some time for myself, a break from the screen, and changing up the norm a bit for me. While I have been off, I have had somewhat of an epiphany. I am starting to reconnect with my emotions, or at least some of them. For the past heavens knows how long, I have been what I can only describe as emotionally deficient. Many things which stir an emotional reaction in most, seem to have very little effect on me.

That is not to say I am without emotion. Just a bit strange about them. The passing of a loved one for example, doesn't really get much of an emotional reaction from me. Not trying to "be the man", or somehow act brave, it just doesn't do much as far as reactions go. Sure I am sad, but tearful or visibly moved, no. 

The last time I can recall shedding a tear in the true sense of the word is probably almost 20 years ago now, and that was over a girl... I know right, sad!! lol. Just kidding, it was an emotional time, but probably my last. Floods of tears on the phone to a friend, and it felt GREAT! But after that, for some completely unknown reason, nothing!

Since then, my nan, mum, aunt, and some great friends have passed, and my reaction has been nothing but a little sadness. And yes, I have been to counselling to address this, as well as other issues in my life, but nothing has changed. We are all wired differently, and I am not saying that not being fully in touch with your emotions is a bad thing. Some could say that some people are a little too in touch, and would benefit from dialing it down a bit. 

My point here is, I know me, I know how I usually behave, or have at least behaved in the past. I was never a big cryer, but when the right time came, I was able to, and completely unafraid of crying. However for some reason it just stopped. 

Over the past six months to a year, I have found myself a little more easily choked up about things. Not necessarily about anything personal to me. Even something moving (reality) on TV, or taking about something that I am passionate about, can get me choked up now. Not exactly holding back tears, but not far from it. During the time I have had away from work, I have had more time to spend with myself, and become more aware of just how much this is happening now. There is nothing specific which triggers me, I can openly talk about losing loved ones, memories of being with them, and other personal life events. However, when something unrelated to me happens, I find myself more affected.  For reference the last time I can recall being emotional about something personal, would have been on the phone to the ambulance service for mum or something.

I have been somewhat aware of this for some time now, but having the time off to think about it more, I can't help but feel that there is a direct correlation with working from home. Without the stresses of being in the office environment, without the daily anxiety of what the coming day is going to be like, or trying to download and decompress after a long day around other people, my mind seems to have the energy to do its own thing, and be a little more normal again. Even dreams feel different. More memorable, more normal, apart from the odd bad one after over-thinking the return to the office.

It is all a bit strange, a little overwhelming, but also an absolute blessing to feel like I have a little humanity back, for the time being at least.  Some could argue it is a bad thing, my brain NOT coping with the isolation of working from home, and just getting more and more emotional about anything it can. I would have to disagree with that take on things, and say it feels like being normal me again, after a long long time, rather than something out of the ordinary, and unnatural. 

Time will tell I guess though. As the clock is now ticking down on the last known checkpoint for WFH. The start of September is the end of the extension we were given for working from home. By that time, we will have been told what is coming next, if we will remain at home in any capacity, or if we will indeed return to the normal office environment.  To say the idea of that fills me with dread and anxiety is a complete understatement right now.  At no point during Covid has it felt more likely that it is the end of the road for WFH for us. The lack of information plants dread in my mind, and the minds of others I have spoken to. 

Quite what that means for me I don't know. If the simple lack of knowing and fear we are going back has me feeling like this, heavens only knows how any confirmation of this is going to feel. I of course remain as optimistic as possible, and will try and do all I can to make the case for remaining at home. There are so many plus points really, beneficial to work. But I understand that this is not simply about me, but a whole work force, and I cannot expect to be treated differently, no matter how much I would like to be. I am probably a little more flexible and willing (desperate) than the rest, as to the lengths I would go to to protect my WFH. Buy equipment, be open to a discussion on wages, take on more responsibility to name but a few. But that is all irrelevant, as I say, we are a group not individuals. 

So, here's to enjoying my emotions while I can, and making the most of them. It's good to feel human again, even if it is short lived. 

 

 

 

 

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